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Dear Friends,


All I have been doing is obsessively posting and doubting that I will ever get better.  I tell myself I will get better but the doubts are overwhelming after being two years out.  Today the hollowness is so dark and again I don't know why I am trying to even live like this.  All I am doing is cycling depression, anxiety, rage and the monotony of disconnected disinterest in everyone and everything is tormenting me constantly.  I am hanging on just posting and posting and not doing anything else.  Anything else I try to do just brings more despair as I can't feel or connect and life is just too painful.  Hope4us

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you re one tough cookie!!! you are doing sooo good!! one day at a time!! I am new to thhis so I cant offer much help but I will be thinking about you!
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Hi hope,  have you ever read Charlotta's Story from Recovery Road?  This woman had quite a huge turnaround after 3 years.  Keep in mind she c/t'd off of 8 mgs of Xanax.  Since you slow tapered, you may experience healing even sooner.


Charlotta’s Story


Charlotta was put on 0.5 mg Xanax three times (tid) daily. It was prescribed for bereavement-related anxiety. She quickly developed a tolerance (when more of the drug is needed to be effective) and the dosage was increased. This kept happening over a period of 6 years until she was taking 8 mg daily. Her withdrawal problems began during these periods of tolerance and she thought she had developed a serious psychological problem.


When her doctor stopped increasing the dose and tolerance withdrawal once again set in, she got her husband to check her into a mental health institution. They stopped her medication without tapering. What Charlotte experienced during the cold-turkey detox would be too disturbing for me to write here. As you can imagine, it was extremely traumatic for her. She was faced with every conceivable symptom and more.It was only after her discharge when her husband found the Ashton Manual online, that they realised the source of her all problems.


When Charlotta first started writing to me, she was 2 and ½ years off. She was experiencing nausea, blurred vision, severe head pressure, head pain, confusion, dizziness, fatigue, restless legs at night, tinnitus, constant muscle spasms in her leg, constipation, benzo belly, burning pains in her leg that would come and go, stiff and painful neck with a burning spine, memory problems, repetitive thoughts, understanding conversations, itchy rash and withdrawal induced depression.


Most of these symptoms came in waves but some were constant. Around 34 months off she noticed that some were beginning to lessen in intensity. This was short-lived, however, and she was hit with a very intense wave of severe symptoms. She described it as worse than any of the previous waves had been.


I was relieved to have received another email soon after the 3-year mark saying that the restless legs, repetitive thoughts and muscle spasms had stopped suddenly. She was, at last, able to sleep for more than two hours each night. Other symptoms persisted but she was beginning to feel much better. At 38 months off more symptoms disappeared and she was left with just blurred vision, dizziness and the itchy rash.


A few months later, at approx. 41 months off, Charlotta emailed to say that apart from the odd symptom surfacing for very short periods, she felt completely healed. Although she was thrown and very discouraged by the severe wave, she kept telling herself that her healing was taking place. This was difficult with the withdrawal induced depression but she could not allow herself to give up hope. She kept telling herself that she had already been through so much, her situation could only improve.


Charlotta’s final email brought tears to my eyes. She sounded so ecstatic. After more than three years of terrible insomnia she was enjoying many hours of sound, refreshing sleep. The silence after the tinnitus was, according to her, “like heaven”. Being symptom free and back in charge of her life was a joy for her. She even joked about her husband not being able to stop celebrating the return of his beloved wife. The best thing for Charlotta was knowing that she did not have permanent damage which was her greatest fear during the whole journey.


I love Charlotta’s story. At the time of our email exchanges I was still having waves of symptoms and so found her last few emails very encouraging. Like me, she and her husband absolutely adore Professor Ashton. They strongly believe Charlotta would have been misdiagnosed and given inappropriate treatment had her husband not found the Ashton Manual.


I hope that you, too, will find this story reassuring in some way. As you know, the recovery process is unique and Charlotte’s unfolded according to her schedule. But just being reminded that we do heal should bring new moments of hope. As Charlotta said in her final email, “There is no way that I have permanent brain damage! My life after benzos is the coolest ever – nothing sucks and everything is great. I deserve a special medal!”

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I am so sorry you are suffering and despairing that you will ever recover.  You must be one strong lady to have endured it for 2 years.  There's nothing I can say to make it go away.  Just know that I am thinking of you.  Reach deep and find the strength to go on towards recovery.  You will get there!  We all will get there.  I am sending thoughts your way for you to find hope and healing.




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Hey Crono,Hope,


Great success story have read before a true story of courage,hope keep on posting every minute if it  helps,that's what it's all about ,no limits on help here.

We all share the same nightmare,we all WANT OUR LIVES BACK!!


I re read success stories constantly,have for 2 years,I have that to hold onto ,this has too end someday maybe tomorow!!!





The nevermind part to this will and does happen for all of us,it will it just ends!


Believe in our fellows who have walked ,crawled this path before us-they have there lives back you will too,maybe Tomorow!!!!!





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Charlotta's story made me cry...but it's a story of hope, Hope... you will get there.  Keep posting and reading, that's what it's all about here.  We are here for each other.

Challis :smitten:

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Hope, I absolutely salute you, you are one brave soul.


The doubting you will ever get better is a natural reaction to being ill for so long. In times of tribulation the past can be no friend, I know this as I have been very ill (not only with Diazepam) for 18 months now. It all seems to pile on top of itself and become a really heavy burden.


There are a few turnarounds I have read about now which seem to happen around the three year mark, maybe won't take that long for you, maybe it's only a month or less away, but from what I have read it can all turn around so quickly with a protracted withdrawal, after such a long time. I would bet that your doubts are as much a symptom of wd as all the rest, and they will leave as quickly as the rest once you have healed.


I cannot wait to read your success story, it is coming, you hang in there, as you know you will, it takes incredible bravery and courage to do what you have done up to now, and the darkest days ARE just before dawn.


So sorry for all you are going through, and have been through, makes me mad when I think about our so called caring "medical" system. You are in my thoughts. Keep posting, keep doubting if you need to, do whatever is neccessary to pass the time - it will turn around.


Hugs.  :smitten:


Crono, Charlottas story is incredible.



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i know how u feel hope,i been obsessively posting to,i must have 1000 of them on here! u r definetly not alone. i feel your pain. just remember that time is a good healer.  get close to god and pray. u will get better.  ((((hugs))))
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Dear Hope,


I remember another member who wrote a post about obsessively posting and reading on this forum and it was right before he turned a big corner and healed. I think many have had their worst moments right before they saw big improvements. I hope this is the case for you.


Your friend, :hug:


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