After 20 years... i can say this much (hope this helps some)

[[os...]]

i am getting better.

 

I have been on this drug for half of my life, i started out on 20mgs per day, that lasted for approx 12 years and then i upped my dose by 10mg, so a total of 30mgs a day, mostly taken in the evenings, however, in the last few years i abused them for hangover relief, not realizing quite how awful these drugs are...

 

I got "sober" 15 months ago, i had really had enough of drinking, so i quit and started out in AA, three months later my life started changing dramatically, i felt a return of self esteem and confidence, it was gradual but i knew life was getting better by the day... i had hope, the depression lifted and i knew that things would get better and better.

 

It was about 6 months into my abstinence from alcohol that i decided to quit the benzo also, i had absolutely no idea how hard this was going to be... i was clueless. I knew i had to taper off and asked my Doctor if i could drop 5mg initially, he said that would be fine, it was not until 2 weeks later that i woke at 4am covered in sweat with a migraine from Hell and i knew it was withdrawal.

 

For 3 days i woke with a snap and had fast music playing in my head, i was scared of everything, even the TV, i reinstated immediately and 3 days later i started to feel well again... my Doctor said there was a mix up and that was far too much to drop in one go (equivalent to 2mg Valium)...

 

That moment was a huge wake up call, i then knew the power of these drugs and that my mind was literally being held together by this chemical, i knew i had to somehow get off but i had no idea how.

 

I researched the internet and i was horrified by what i read but i found a solution, to taper off very gradually...

 

For the past 9 months i have gone from 30mgs Librium down to almost 9mgs... for the most part the taper has been OK, yet i had symptoms but they were mostly tolerable... one symptom was a feeling of being in a bubble, separated from ones close to me, it was very isolating and i was very lonely around others, it was easier to isolate with the TV than feel so disconnected in company... it was not painful but it was at times very frustrating... i wanted to cut through that and get back to reality but i accepted this as a symptom... i also had a bout of severe agoraphobia and some perceptual problems... i can say that all these symptoms went away.

 

The bubble i was in disappeared about 3 months ago... for a brief period a light fog took it´s place but that has lifted also... although i am not free as yet, compared to 9 months ago, i feel connected to life again, colours are already brighter and my mind is definitely clearer again... in many ways i have a clarity of thought and clarity of vision i have not had since years and years ago... life is starting to feel like LIFE again.

 

The other symptoms that disappeared i can list also, the severe agoraphobia i had only lasted a couple of months... i did not want to step outside my house, i was relieved when that lifted as it was not me as i had feared, it was simply withdrawal induced.

 

I also had headaches quite often, these are few and far between now, my neck which i used to have terrible trouble with for months on end no longer "grinds" as i turn my head (i had this for some time before starting tapering), my neck and whole body feels less tense these days despite still being in withdrawal...

 

I had a period of urgency to urinate and with little warning, this lasted for 3-4 months, this too has gone completely along with a few other symptoms.

 

Unfortunately i hit a wall a month or so ago and i had anxiety, i proceeded to taper when i was feeling bad, i had tapered daily for 8 months more or less without a single hold... i think i just got ahead of myself, i held for 6 days to start again using the same cut and started to feel that again a week later, so i held for 2 weeks... now i am back to tapering again but going slower.

 

I am now at the equivalent of 3.8mg Valium and compared to the 12mg equivalent 9 months ago, i can definitely say that i have felt huge improvements, from the d/p and d/r to the agoraphobia and more... even the fatigue is slowly lifting, today i felt more motivated than i have in a long time... i am happier and although i had a bad bout recently, i am confident in going forward now... never push through symptoms, it only makes matters worse.

 

I am getting my life back and i feel so much better at a lower dose, i was so unaware of just how much the drug had blunted my emotions, my thinking and even my vision... i can feel a gradual return of some life force now... everything has a more vividness already... healing is happening.

 

It has been a long past 9 months and has not been a fun time, yet i am doing so much better now... i am disappointed i hit a wall and took awhile to recover, so many doubts crept in, i was quite panicked at losing it all but from the advice of some great people, i held my dose and it all came right again... i had fears that this was not doable for the past few weeks but now i am back on track and i know that sooner or later, i will lose these last mgs and i will be free... i am in no hurry... the last mgs should be tapered slowly... life is not going anywhere and all the while i am healing.

 

As a long term user, i wanted to say that it does get better... i was nervous to start tapering again but all is well... never be afraid to hold and stabilize... it is what your body wants.

 

Lastly, i could be bothered by the time frame ahead to get free but i know, that when i started out i thought 9 months was forever, it is not... time passes by, it really does...

 

20 years is a long time to be on this drug, i can say that i am feeling a lot better these days... my long and slow taper is healing me of that i have no doubt... i have fallen a couple of times, i have had fears and doubts but i know now, more than ever, that i made the right decision to get off this drug... and when i do, i will dedicate a huge amount of my time helping others...

 

It is good to be reconnecting to LIFE again and feeling the real me slowly emerge... in many ways it is daunting at times but often it is hugely exciting also... i may not be free yet but i have been healing... the last mgs may be a little tricky but i´ll get there as and when my body tells me, i can only say this, patience in this pays off... it is one of the hardest aspects of benzo withdrawal but it is probably the strongest weapon we have... suffering may not be avoidable completely but it sure can be minimized... i don´t regret going slow in the past 9 months and i won´t regret going slow until i am free... as i know i am healing along the way, i do not believe healing only happens once we are free... complete healing yes, but we can heal a great deal if we take the time in getting there.

 

Thank you to all my new friends here for the support... i am so grateful for all of you... time and time again i have had to learn to be patient... but it is the ONE thing we have against this... patience pays off... take it slow, be kind to yourselves... this is not a thing to rush, it will not shorten this journey for many... i know after 20 years i could not have got this far by doing it any faster... i am grateful to be where i am at today and for the friends i have made along the way.

 

Oscar

 

 

 

[[os...]]

PS: To this day i have not lost one night of sleep... slow is the way to go. 

[[Ti...]]

Oscar--so happy for you!!!   I know you have encouraged me along the way, and I so appreciate it.  I am so happy for you that you notice healing--there is a beautiful life out there waiting for you and you will be there before you know it

 

Tina 

[[no...]]

Oscar-Thanks for your post.  It does help. My problem is that I'm afraid that if I reinstate I'll be on benzos for the rest of my life. All I know to do is ride this nightmare out.

 

 

[[pa...]]

What a wonderful testament to healing, but also to your smart spirit - YOU - who listened to your body and knew it was the drug - and to have the courage to get off of it. 

 

That is what I think really separates those of us here - yes -even though we are suffering - from so many others.  WE BELIEVE WE CAN WIN.  We KNOW it's possible to have a better life. That is why we go through this.

 

I know of several people (friends of my parents) who are really struggling right now with mood and health and all of it.  Come to find out, they are BOTH on benzos and do not believe it could be the drug, as their doctors assure them it is not.

 

Oscar - I am SO happy for you - and that you are healing on the way down through the taper.

 

I am proud of you for the insight that you can share with others.

 

:)Parker

[[pa...]]

Thank you for your very inspiring post.  Congratulations are in order!

 

Paresthesia

[[fl...]]

Oscar,

So glad to hear that you are doing so much better with your taper.  What you have wrote here means more than you know!

 

I've been cleaning up a blue breeze all day, getting everything in order for 'down time' because I was planning to cold turkey the rest of this so called taper tonight.  Just feels like I'm prolonging this misery, until I read your words. 

Thank you so much for opening my eyes.

 

Take care and continued healing to you!

 

[[os...]]

flutter, trust me, i have been there recently when i hit a wall... to just CT this junk seemed like it would end the agony... yet i knew it would not help deep down... could i really afford to risk that after 20 years use? No was the answer... i held my dose, all came right and i am glad i am thinking rationally about this again, slowly has always been a better way, if i feel better at this dose than i felt 2, 3, 6 and 9 months ago, i am hoping that trend carries on... it takes a ton of patience... and at times there can be the mental agony of just "wanting to be done"... acceptance is key, not always easy but it can save a lot of needless suffering... many that have CT´d here have advised against it... Be kind to you... every step in the right direction will get you there... listen to your body.

 

Oscar

[[fl...]]

Thank you for your words of wisdom, Oscar.  You're right, it is true that others that have c't have adviced not to do that.  These walls are the pits but at least I may be able to get some sleep tonight after all of this cleaning.  I've moved most of the stuff out of my home (a lot of stuff!) to be picked up.  I've been running around the house, shaking, sweating and slinging stuff out the front door ...as fast as lightning.  Must be anxiety and adrenaline?  I don't know but paying the price for today's fun now lol.

One day we will be able to look back and Thank God this chapter in our lives is over. 

[[sw...]]

I read the whole thing.  Nice post!

 

[[Re...]]

Thank you Oscar, just verifies everything I have been worrying about.  Read your body, take it slow, hold when necessary and don't give up.  It is so encouraging to hear that you are doing really great.  You deserve to be healthy and happy, 20 years is a long time but you have a much longer time to live your new life drug free.  There are so many new and exciting experiences ahead of you.

 

No looking back now,

Renny

 

 

[[...]]

Oscar, your struggle and triumph is such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for your encouraging post. It's a great reminder that patience, acceptance and kindness to oneself are so crucial throughout this journey. Very happy for you and how far you've come in your healing.

 

All the best to you!

Ally

[[an...]]

Oscar, I am so happy that you are feeling better.  I am new to this.  When you feel unstable and say to "hold" a dose, does that mean that you don't take anymore until you feel stable or does it mean that you just cut the same dose as last time and not reduce?

[[He...]]

Thank you for posting this Oscar, and Congratulations.  It's a really lovely read. 

[[Sp...]]

Oscar your post was wonderful. This journey is so hard and long and yet you have found some good in it. Thank-you so much for reminding me to keep focused on that part of it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.