[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi All, I had a miserable 2-3 weeks after jumping, then I had several good weeks with marvelous long lasting windows. Was getting cocky and thinking "I'm one of the lucky ones." Well now at 2+ months off I have been slammed again and feel like I am back to square 1. WTF REALLY? I have been having palpitations, increased imbalance and dizziness, muscle twitches, nausea DP/DR and all of the early withdrawal symptoms I thought were behind me Yesterday my BP fluctuated wildly. One hour it is 100/60 and the next it is 160/100 with a horrible headache. Sleep has not been a big problem for me but last night I lay awake hour after hour. I logically know the uneven course of withdrawal and recovery. Nevertheless, I am feeling discouraged and alone. I could use some encouraging words. Thanks Benzo Buddies. MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 MM - Withdrawal is a very frustrating process, and it can be even harder to deal with after thinking that the worst is behind you (trust me, I know the feeling). You are early in the process and these waves will come and go. Just remember how well you felt not too long ago - that feeling will eventually return. Rico Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[He...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 MM Am going through hell myself just now, real bad, am a newcomer here, and in fact a newcomer to understanding how devastating wd is in all respects. I hope you see another window (or door even) open again real soon. As new as I am to all this, I would think that the long windows you had must be a good sign. You ARE recovering. I am happy for you, really, and hope to some day be in the same position (I am still dosing on the poison ever night) Don't mean in any way to belittle what you are feeling, I know how tough it is believe me, but you are on the road to recovery, things can and will get better. I read that at times the worst moments when completely off can be just before complete recovery. You could be just around the corner from that, and if not you are still getting closer every day. Am with you in my thoughts and spirit, I hope a speedy recovery for you, you have gotten to be drug free, that in itself is a milestone worth marking, now it has to be all about repair and healing. When I get really down (often) I try to think of how good it will be to feel normal again, and be full functional, helps sometimes. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Rico, thanks for your kind words, they DO help. HenryK, Thank you for responding, it really helps. I'm so sorry you are suffering this mess too. That's the beauty of this forum. Even as we are suffering we can encourage and support our fellow sufferers because we understand. Thanks for reminding me to celebrate that I am benzo free and then the next step is to be symptom free and healed. I am wishing the same for you too and you will get there! We will get there. Lets go on one more day. MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ga...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi Mini I, too have had good days. I know its frustrating when you have a good day or even a week then SLAM. Im trying to be patient thru this wave. I hope you feel better soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Thank you Gardenia! Every encouraging word helps me so much. How are you doing? I know you have been struggling too. We will get through this!!! MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ch...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Here for you, Minnie... Challis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 I know you are Challis! Vice versa girlfriend! It helps a lot. MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[su...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi, Minnie, I've been off since 2/13, so we have about the same length of time in.... I was just wailing to my husband about this this a.m....how there are good times and I think, OK, this is not so bad, then WHAM. This a.m. was a WHAM. I'm trying to remember that this will pass and there will be more good times ahead. I sure wish it would hurry, though, and I want that window to be huge...not the double-hung kind...I want the panoramic kind that spans the length of one wall! Sending you good wishes......we'll get there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mo...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi All, I had a miserable 2-3 weeks after jumping, then I had several good weeks with marvelous long lasting windows. Was getting cocky and thinking "I'm one of the lucky ones." Well now at 2+ months off I have been slammed again and feel like I am back to square 1. WTF REALLY? I have been having palpitations, increased imbalance and dizziness, muscle twitches, nausea DP/DR and all of the early withdrawal symptoms I thought were behind me Yesterday my BP fluctuated wildly. One hour it is 100/60 and the next it is 160/100 with a horrible headache. Sleep has not been a big problem for me but last night I lay awake hour after hour. I logically know the uneven course of withdrawal and recovery. Nevertheless, I am feeling discouraged and alone. I could use some encouraging words. Thanks Benzo Buddies. MiniMinnie It never fails that whenever I pop onto this forum for reassurance or an answer to a question one of my BB's has posted exactly what I am going through or want to ask. Mini, I am in EXACTLY the same boat. Approaching 90 days off ativan/zop and all last month I was doing great!! Just the odd day here and there with minor symptoms. Anxiety was behind me, I was sleeping great and the only nagging sx was D/R & tinnitus that both seemed to be fading as well. I too thought I was "one of the lucky ones"! And then last Saturday I had my first bout of real anxiety that I had had in ages. It felt strange to be feeling that way again. I passed it off as a single occurance, but then I had another attack on Sunday and then most of Monday at work and now today my DR & dizziness is off the charts again!!! Oddly enought, I've been relatively calm, and the anxiety seems to be more physical than mental, if that makes any sense. I whole heartedly agree with you - "WTF" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just asking myself before I popped onto the forum if this could be the ultimate darkness before the dawn?? Let's hope so, my friend. Let's hang in there together and with the support of our BB's let's pray we are almost at the finish line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi Monyd Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I'm sorry you are getting slammed too. I know exactly what you mean that the anxiety seems more physical than mental!! I have not been bothered with the mental anxiety, the pervasive fear of everything. I have had that kind of anxiety before and this isn't it. I feel like I am trembling on the inside, kind of a hyped up physical feeling but not true anxiety per se. Its hard to describe. Today my heart races with the least effort, yesterday morning I walked briskly for 45 minutes, worked with my weights and cleaned house, felt great, then WHAM late afternoon it all hit me. WTF is right! Okay so I will choose to believe that for us it is the storm before the calm. Maybe we will get up tomorrow and it will be all behind us like a bad dream. Lets just hope so! MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mo...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Mini, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's like an inner vibration. My hands and limbs are not visibly shaking, but it feels like the muscles are vibrating internally. Like adrenaline coursing through my veins. That's why I think it is allergy fuelled. It has come on all of a sudden since my allergies have gotten bad and it reminds me of that shaky feeling one gets after a near miss car accident or some jumps out and yells "boo!" Weird that we are both feeling this way. But at the same time it's reassuring. What's that saying "misery loves company". Keep me posted, let me know how you are doing. Hopefully, we can celebrate our total healing together very, very soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 EXACTLY like adrenaline coursing through my veins. I think that is exactly what it is. Our adrenals working overtime unchecked by calming GABA. It explains my racing heart, my high BP, my insomnia, my "shakiness" for want of a better word. You describe what I am feeling very well. Yes, my allergies are acting up but they have been for a while. Down here in Florida we have had high pollens for a month or 6 weeks. During many weeks of that time I felt great. That is what is so frustrating about this whole thing, can't predict or explain how we feel from hour to hour. But yes, lets sprint for the finish line together. We'll get there! MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ch...] Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Minnie, You'll LOVE this...just got back from my doctor appointment. My doctor says my hair is not falling out from w/d. She said I should go to .125 every other day now and stop a few days after that. She said it's easy to get off Xanax after three months. She said I can feel free to take Xanax as needed after my taper is done. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/roflmao.gif Just thought I'd put a little humor in here...TG for BB! Challis P.S. And she said my body doesn't even recognize that I'm taking .125...I told her maybe my body doesn't know it but my w/d does!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Well Challis, thanks for my belly laugh of the day. Gawd, even the best of doctors are CLUELESS. Do they go to these medical workshops and decide en masse to parrot these silly fairy tales about benzos? I am picturing the doctor as a ventriloquist dummy and the ventriloquist is who? THE DRUG REP. If it wasn't so grim it could be a comedy routine. Black comedy. Very black comedy. MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Benzo Buddies today I am still struggling. Went to my Bunco night last night. I didn't want to go but I forced myself to get out and not huddle alone in my PJs watching trash tv. OMG, the sound of the dice hitting the table and everyone laughing and talking loud just about drove me crazy. All the party food just made me nauseous to smell it. I stuck it out but was so glad to go home to the peace and quiet. I am torn between staying home and forcing myself to get out and interact with people. Today I just feel flattened, absolutely no energy, still having BP fluctuations, sitting staring into space on the couch. I'm not sure which bothers me worse, staying home being a nonfunctional human being taking up space on the planet or forcing myself out and getting things done but feeling like crap doing it. What about you guys do you try to make an effort versus vegging at home indefinitely? MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mo...] Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hey Mini. Sorry to hear that you're still feeling so crappy today. :'( But good for you for dragging yourself out there. You can't let w/d steal all your joy. You have to live your life - at least as much as physically possible. I know exactly what you mean about loud voices and noices causing sensory overload. That just happened to me this morning at a staff meeting. It's like your brain just checks out. Give yourself permission to nurture yourself today. Maybe if it's nice in your area you could sit out in the sun??? That always helps me - a good shot of warmth and vitamin D. I'm sending you healing thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Re...] Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Mini, Hang in there Sweetie! Another window will come for you again. I have read so many recovery stories and time does heal...... Hold onto those windows and be strong through the waves. Do a happy dance for how far you have come. I am proud of you and you have been so supportive and have put innumerable smiles on my face with your " Looking like hell" blog. Challis, ask your Dr to take .125 mg for a few weeks and stop and then ask her what she calls it? I would love to guinea pig some Drs! Recover Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hey Mini. Sorry to hear that you're still feeling so crappy today. :'( But good for you for dragging yourself out there. You can't let w/d steal all your joy. You have to live your life - at least as much as physically possible. I know exactly what you mean about loud voices and noices causing sensory overload. That just happened to me this morning at a staff meeting. It's like your brain just checks out. Give yourself permission to nurture yourself today. Maybe if it's nice in your area you could sit out in the sun??? That always helps me - a good shot of warmth and vitamin D. I'm sending you healing thoughts. Hi Monyd! Thanks for your encouraging words. Yes, this benzo mess does tend to steal a lot of joy from us but I'll be darned if it takes it all. I did enjoy the bunco outing on one level, no one there knew my struggles and thought I was my normal self. Whats the saying? "Fake it til you make it?" Yes it is nice here in Florida. After I read your post, I went out on my lanai and puttered around with my tropical plants, watering and deadheading and so forth. Nothing too intense but you know what? The sun and touching the plants and listening to the nature sounds really helped my mood. Thank you for your healing thoughts, they helped! MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi Revocer! Thank you so much for your supportive words. It really helps. Hope things are going well for you too on this strange and amazing benzo adventure. MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi, Minnie, I've been off since 2/13, so we have about the same length of time in.... I was just wailing to my husband about this this a.m....how there are good times and I think, OK, this is not so bad, then WHAM. This a.m. was a WHAM. I'm trying to remember that this will pass and there will be more good times ahead. I sure wish it would hurry, though, and I want that window to be huge...not the double-hung kind...I want the panoramic kind that spans the length of one wall! Sending you good wishes......we'll get there! Hi Sunnyside! Thank you for popping in to offer kind words. Hope today is not another WHAM day for you. Love your description of the perfect window. Double hung? Well I could take that term in a whole different direction but I won't! I think my perfect window would be a French door type window that looks out on the most amazing peaceful garden with dappled sunlight, lots of green and blooming plants and a hammock slung between two leafy trees. That's my window, its always open and I'm gonna have it someday! MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ch...] Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Ocean view for me through double French doors... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mi...] Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Ocean view for me through double French doors... Kinda like the one in your profile pic? OOH nice! MiniMinnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ch...] Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Northern California coast...so very beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mo...] Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hey Mini. Sorry to hear that you're still feeling so crappy today. :'( But good for you for dragging yourself out there. You can't let w/d steal all your joy. You have to live your life - at least as much as physically possible. I know exactly what you mean about loud voices and noices causing sensory overload. That just happened to me this morning at a staff meeting. It's like your brain just checks out. Give yourself permission to nurture yourself today. Maybe if it's nice in your area you could sit out in the sun??? That always helps me - a good shot of warmth and vitamin D. I'm sending you healing thoughts. Hi Monyd! Thanks for your encouraging words. Yes, this benzo mess does tend to steal a lot of joy from us but I'll be darned if it takes it all. I did enjoy the bunco outing on one level, no one there knew my struggles and thought I was my normal self. Whats the saying? "Fake it til you make it?" Yes it is nice here in Florida. After I read your post, I went out on my lanai and puttered around with my tropical plants, watering and deadheading and so forth. Nothing too intense but you know what? The sun and touching the plants and listening to the nature sounds really helped my mood. Thank you for your healing thoughts, they helped! MiniMinnie Oh, I am so glad that you got out in the sunshine and that it improved your mood. Enjoy some for me too. I'm stuck at my desk, feeling dizzy and full in the head. But at least it's trying so hard to be sunny here in British Columbia, but winter just doesn't want to let go. It's supposed to be a sunny Easter weekend, so hopefully I'll feel the sun on my face this weekend too! Hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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