11 to 14 months out, Return of intensity

[[Cr...]]

Well I had a pretty good run from mid September to mid February.  I had some minor waves, intermittent nights of insomnia, and some off and on anxiety.  Of course there was the ever present cog fog as well as other emotional defects. 

 

Ever since the 2nd week of March the intensity of my symptoms has increased almost to acute withdrawal levels.  My anxiety is high enough to cause restlessness, the depression has come back, and I am besieged by physical symptoms that I didn't quite expect to be experiencing again.  My stomach is churning, skin is burning, and my appetite has gone down to an all time low. 

 

I do not attribute all this to withdrawal, as I have external factors such as work, school, and family matters that may be contributing to my stress level.  I know that a sensitized nervous system, aggravated by stress, can produce strong symptoms.  But nothing in my life has changed recently from when I was in my feeling "tolerable" period for about 5 months.

 

I am going to the doctor to get some tests done (blood work, etc) to make sure there isn't a physiological component to this.  It is just very discouraging to get hit with such hard mental symptoms this far out and they have been pretty relentless and seem to be reaching a pinnacle.

 

At 11 months since my last benzo (April 23rd), I wasn't expecting such a strong return of the mental symptoms.  I believe this is even worse than my mid August to mid September flareup.  And I have been doing mild exercising and eating sensibly for awhile now.  I almost feel housebound once again.  I was never like this before benzos and alcohol.  My recovery seems to be in strong stops and starts, rather than gradual linear healing.  Of course I had many cold turkeys and reinstatements.

 

I am going to do my best to ride this out proactively (get a checkup).  Any similar experiences or words of encouragement are appreciated 

[[ve...]]

Hi Crono.

Yep, coincidentally I had a lot of stress right at 14 months off valium (about a year ago).  We had just gotten a puppy and in addition to the housebreaking, early wake ups, he also got sick and this caused a lot of medical vet bills and to boot, he had worms which is not what you want when you're housebreaking a pet! 

 

Anyway, I ended up getting pretty revved up with anxiety, agitation, sleeplessness, even vertigo came back for a couple of days.  I agree that the CNS can still be quite sensitive in the 2nd year off.  I've also had some family matters that came up and travel that got me revved up a bit.  The good news is that you do calm back down. 

 

I was able to write my success story at 17 months last May I think it was.  I would still say I react to stress and anxiety about 15% more intensely than before benzos, what i call the final 5% of healing that seems to be the final frontier for me.  I don't consider myself protracted though.  I had anxiety and sleep troubles before benzos and the sleep is actually better than before.  I also have better coping skills for when anxiety does rear itself and I've learned that the goal is not to eliminate anxiety or stress.  I'm just over 2 years off and hoping that in a few months, things will settle back down for good, but I'm always aware that stress can stir things up but I know the worst is behind me as it will be for you soon.

 

Good idea to get yourself checked out too.  I did that a couple of times, had elevated BP at 9 months off (after resuming a little too much alcohol, sodas and junk food... too early ).  You're right, it's not linear in terms of ups and downs, but the trajectory is moving overall in the right direction .

 

Vertigo

[[pa...]]

Hey Crono,

 

I'm nowhere near as far out as you. First of all, congratulations on just getting there.   I look forward to that day.

 

I keep Bliss's book on my nightstand, and I was just reading it this morning. She explains how her healing was a lot like you describe yours to be-  in strong stops and starts.  I don't know that she actually had a great period as long as your run was, but she certainly describes a very bad wave close to 2 years out - and what followed was her "open door".  She was incredulous about it - that it could last that long - but then - after that return of heavy symptoms, what followed was complete healing.

 

This experience continues to be unbelievable in the sense that it truly isn't linear for many people. That is and will always be hard to wrap my brain around.  I know it logically, but it is hard to truly accept watching something go from bad to better - to worse.  That's different than almost any other human experience in regards to healing. 

 

I just pray that this is a time that is nearing your open door.  I cannot fathom why this last "storm" must occur for some before the calm comes, but it just seems to happen that way.

 

Try to be patient and love yourself - give yourself a special smile. You are very close to when so many see complete relief.  I have a feeling it won't be much longer.

 

:)Parker

[[Au...]]

I'm right there with ya Crono!

Just entered my 13th month... and getting hit hard.  Was doing pretty ok in months 9-11, and then BAM.

I've been in this bad wave for 3 weeks now...

 

I can't believe I forgot how bad this could feel... these sxs are freaking me out... head pressure, fog, my body aches everywhere, weakness in my arms and legs, nausea, no appetite, blocked ears, it's really bad...

 

I too had some external factors in my life that probably set this wave off, the stress of an operation, and a 1-time dose of several meds in the hospital...

 

I have been checked and all is ok - thank God... I have actually been checked so much, I don't WHAT to check anymore... but I still worry that they missed something

 

Anyway, hang in there...I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.  Hope we both come out of this wave soon

[[Cr...]]

Vertigo and Parker, awesome replies.  Very encouraging.  This whole process is about relearning how to deal with stress while coping with a body that is in recovery.

 

Parker, I ordered Bliss's book about a week ago and anxiously await for its arrival.

 

Here is what Dr Claire Weekes said about setbacks for nervous illness as a result of a sensitized nervous system.

 

Understanding Setback

 

The contrast between the hope and peace experienced in a good period and the renewed suffering felt in a setback highlights the setback and makes it seem more unendurable than ever.  It is this contrast that may make the early setbacks seem so especially severe and brings such disappointment and despair that the sufferer may decide that the struggle to climb up the ladder to recovery is beyond him.  It seems as if some "thing" is always ready to drag him back whenever he tries to go forward.

 

He had thought that as he recovered, setbacks, if they occurred at all, would be less and less sever, occur less and less often.  And so they might.  But, as I have just explained, they may just as well seem worse than ever.  Indeed, the worst setback of all may come just before complete recovery, just because recovery is so close.  The closeness of recovery makes any setback at that time especially frustrating.  And yet, however severe setback may be and however close to recovery it may come, it makes no difference to complete recovery if it is coped with the right way.  That is why, when trying to recover, you should understand the tricks memory can play and understand setback so well that you are not discouraged by it, however long it may last or whenever it may come.

[[Cr...]]

August, sorry to here you are in a bad state as well.  I too feel head pressure, but it isn't the heavy kind.  It is just a strange sensation as if my brain is coated in something.  The lack of appetite always concerns me because I don't want to lose anymore weight and a body that is lacking nutrition produces yet more symptoms.  I guess I will supplement again with some Ensure until things improve.

 

This has been going on for about 3 weeks for me as well.

 

Thanks for your words of encouragement.  Hopefully we are in the sunset of our recovery.

[[WT...]]

 

Here is what Dr Claire Weekes said about setbacks for nervous illness as a result of a sensitized nervous system.

 

Understanding Setback

 

The contrast between the hope and peace experienced in a good period and the renewed suffering felt in a setback highlights the setback and makes it seem more unendurable than ever.  It is this contrast that may make the early setbacks seem so especially severe and brings such disappointment and despair that the sufferer may decide that the struggle to climb up the ladder to recovery is beyond him.  It seems as if some "thing" is always ready to drag him back whenever he tries to go forward.

 

He had thought that as he recovered, setbacks, if they occurred at all, would be less and less sever, occur less and less often.  And so they might.  But, as I have just explained, they may just as well seem worse than ever.  Indeed, the worst setback of all may come just before complete recovery, just because recovery is so close.  The closeness of recovery makes any setback at that time especially frustrating.  And yet, however severe setback may be and however close to recovery it may come, it makes no difference to complete recovery if it is coped with the right way.  That is why, when trying to recover, you should understand the tricks memory can play and understand setback so well that you are not discouraged by it, however long it may last or whenever it may come.

 

This should be a sticky.

[[pa...]]

Crono - that is a great quote from Dr. Weeks.  Where did you find that?  I woudl love to read more of wherever it came from.

:)Parker

[[ws...]]

I am almost 15 months out and experiencing the same setbacks and i would like to say to everybody that it is normal to have some severe setbacks and that we just all need to stay the course and be patient and ride out the waves. 

 

I think that the increase in the w/d symptoms this late in the game is the benzo launching its last major attack...before it dies and goes back to hell where it came from.

 

Andy

[[Au...]]

 

I think that the increase in the w/d symptoms this late in the game is the benzo launching its last major attack...before it dies and goes back to hell where it came from.Andy

 

[[Pe...]]

Hey Crono-

 

Linder and I are where you are at and we are both getting hit again too.  I have had a return of some mental sx's (OCD thinking and The 'Fear Factor') plus increased nerve pain, breathlessness and anxiety.

 

I was glad to see Parker told you about Bliss Johns...and there was a guy who was on another benzo forum, who Helpme123 stays in touch with, who said he felt at times like his recovery was going in the wrong direction, which really resinated with me.  He is fully recovered now, and we will get there too.

 

Just wanted you to know this happens to others and you are not alone.

 

[[pi...]]

Hey Crono,

 

I am coming up on 10 months off and am having more physical sxs these days.  I am also doing more which might contribute to it or not.  Its hard to tell with this process.  I try to steer myself away from the fear factor stuff, since the muscle and nerve stuff is all thats hanging on. Don't want to get a bad case of googleitis.

 

 

I think that the increase in the w/d symptoms this late in the game is the benzo launching its last major attack...before it dies and goes back to hell where it came from.Andy

 

 

I'm liking what Andy said a lot. 

 

pianggirl

[[Cr...]]

Crono - that is a great quote from Dr. Weeks.  Where did you find that?  I woudl love to read more of wherever it came from.

:)Parker

 

It is from here book "Hope and Help For Your Nerves". Doctor Weekes suffered nervous illness herself for two years back in the 30s and being of a scientific mind, she set out to find the causes.  Her research has won her many awards, I even believe she was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for Medicine.

 

This book was written before the problems with benzos were brought to light, but that is kind of what makes it comforting. She has a strong understanding of the nervous system, how we end up getting mental disorders, and how we can go about curing them.  Her methods won't fix the damage done to the nervous system, but they change how we view that damage and teach us how to be patient until the damage resolves itself.

[[Cr...]]

I am almost 15 months out and experiencing the same setbacks and i would like to say to everybody that it is normal to have some severe setbacks and that we just all need to stay the course and be patient and ride out the waves. 

 

I think that the increase in the w/d symptoms this late in the game is the benzo launching its last major attack...before it dies and goes back to hell where it came from.

 

Andy

 

Wss, thanks for the excellent metaphor 

 

I just wish the mental symptoms didn't come back so strong, because when you are impaired mentally it really saps your ability to cope.  Hopefully I get a clean bill of health from the doctor.

[[Cr...]]

Hey Crono-

 

Linder and I are where you are at and we are both getting hit again too.  I have had a return of some mental sx's (OCD thinking and The 'Fear Factor') plus increased nerve pain, breathlessness and anxiety.

 

I was glad to see Parker told you about Bliss Johns...and there was a guy who was on another benzo forum, who Helpme123 stays in touch with, who said he felt at times like his recovery was going in the wrong direction, which really resinated with me.  He is fully recovered now, and we will get there too.

 

Just wanted you to know this happens to others and you are not alone.

 

Thank you perseverance    Our jump dates would have been the same had I not experienced setbacks in March and April.  I am not sure exactly where I am in my recovery, but it is somewhere between Jan 21 2011 and April 23rd 2011.

 

I am looking for others who have had flare-ups primarily in mental sxs this far out, as it helps to reinforce some of the sanity that is lost in this process.

 

I was looking up info on the HPA axis and came across information regarding seasonal allergies (tree allergies) causing increases in anxiety and depression as well as physical symptoms that are not normally attributed to allergies. It seems that people who have nervous systems that are compromised in any way may react differently to pollen in the air. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2196438/

 

I said that this wave started around the 8th or 9th of March, well I went and checked on weather.com the tree pollen almanac and the HIGH pollen counts started on the 8th.  Coincidence?  I don't have the typical physical symptoms right now like burning eyes and sneezing, but I do have this strange cough where I cough once or twice every 5 minutes or so.  This has been going on since the 8th.

 

Right now I am just going to chalk it up to coincidence, but another thing that strikes me is that this year everything is blooming one month earlier than last year.  Well last year around April 10th is when the horrible wave (that was the worst one I had and very similar to this one) started for me and didn't let up until the 2nd week of May.  Again, just a very strange coincidence.

[[Cr...]]

Hey Crono,

 

I am coming up on 10 months off and am having more physical sxs these days.  I am also doing more which might contribute to it or not.  Its hard to tell with this process.  I try to steer myself away from the fear factor stuff, since the muscle and nerve stuff is all thats hanging on. Don't want to get a bad case of googleitis.

 

Yeah, I am avoiding google as well, except for basic scientific information.  Google can put you at ease or send you into a panic depending on what you find.

 

I will take some of nerve stuff if you take some of this anxiety, deal? 

 

Thanks for chiming in,

 

Crono

 

[[ve...]]

Hi Crono.

Pollen counts were insane early last week at 8000 and 9000, near record levels.  I believe very high pollen levels could impact recovery.  For me, antihistamines actually helped me sleep but they do act differently on people.  I got a sore throat and some strange kind of cold last week, I'm sure it was the pollen.  I had to take allegra almost every day last week.  Fortunately I am past withdrawal days but allergies have always impacted me, particularly in the Spring time.  What part of the country are you in?  It's really bad here in Georgia this year with the early Spring.

 

That was good info from Weekes on setbacks.  No doubt they do happen as healing progresses.  I liken it to the stock market.  It waxes and wanes but hopefully has an upward trajectory!  Lord knows we don't need any depressions!

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

[[re...]]

Crono

sorry to hear you are being hit again. This stuff seems never ending. I pray this is the last of it for you.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing.

 

 

[[br...]]

Crono,

 

My jump date was June 11th (11).... though technically I stopped taking Xanax regularly on May 4th of 11.  I stayed off for 30 days before taking emergency doses.

 

So, all in all, I'm fairly close to you, jump-wise. It seems a lot of us in the 9-11 month range are getting hit with some trouble.

After a fairly good Jan/Feb... I've spiked up big-time in March. Essentially, it looks like I'll be able to consider the entire month a wave.

It does seem like it's inching downward in intensity now, so hopefully that's a sign that it's going to pass. March has definitely brought more

of the acute-type symptoms back than almost any other month prior.

 

So, you're not alone. There's a total randomness to this process that no one will likely ever figure out. I will say this though... these waves

represent healing. They're not random EVENTS. The events themselves represent recalibration in our brains and bodies.

So, the upside to the suffering is... this will lead to better days.

 

 

[[br...]]

The March pollen thing is kind of interesting. It seems far-fetched, but I will say that the 7-12 month thread has a ton of people who got hit right around the beginning of March. We were joking (mostly) that it could have been the sun-storms, too! 

 

I wouldn't rule anything.  But, more likely... I'm guessing this healing process just involves a regular occurrence of symptoms late in the game.

 

 

The term "extinction burst" has been tossed around in a few different areas of science.  I wonder if this could be part of what we've experienced.

 

[[...]]

Hi Crono -

 

I'm almost 10.5 months off and I'm having more issues with physical symptoms, although I still have some mental ones as well.  Good to hear that you are going to see a doctor; make sure they run as many blood and/or urine tests as possible to rule out any other issues.  I am having thyroid issues and it may be contributing to why I feel so rotten lately, so I'm going to see an endocrinologist soon.  Guessing that you are just in a nasty wave right now and I'd expect that it will weaken soon.

 

Rico

[[pa...]]

Hi Crono,  My hubby got slammed at 9 months, he is just over 14 months be a few days, things have changed again.  Patty

[[Wa...]]

Hey Crono,

 

I am coming up on 10 months off and am having more physical sxs these days.  I am also doing more which might contribute to it or not.  Its hard to tell with this process.  I try to steer myself away from the fear factor stuff, since the muscle and nerve stuff is all thats hanging on. Don't want to get a bad case of googleitis.

 

 

I think that the increase in the w/d symptoms this late in the game is the benzo launching its last major attack...before it dies and goes back to hell where it came from.Andy

 

 

I'm liking what Andy said a lot. 

 

pianggirl

 

Me too that should the benzo theme of the year!!!

 

God hold everyone

Watchman

 

[[re...]]

Crono

How are you? Just checking in.

[[Cr...]]

Hi RFB,

 

I am still in the thick of it.  I meet with my doctor on Monday to discuss treatment for hypothyroidism, although I will probably request further tests or a referral to an endo.  Starting around April 3rd everything picked up even further in intensity and I believe it is due to my messed up hormones.

 

Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since things went downhill for me.  I hope to be climbing out of this mess soon, as I cannot miss work or school. I almost feel backed into a corner in a way.  The symptoms are so intense that it makes it hard to go to work and school.  If I don't go to work I will suffer financially, and if I don't go to school my student loans will start coming in and I will not have a way to pay for them.

 

The fact that there may be a physiological reason for feeling the way that I do does bring some comfort, as hypothyroidism can be treated.  I also have low testosterone so that may be a factor in how I am feeling as well.  Did a wave cause my hormones to get messed up or did my hormones get messed up and cause a wave?  Will they resolve on their own in enough time with a proper diet and exercise or will I need medication? Am I now healed from withdrawal but dealing solely with thyroid and hormone issues? Possibly.  I am going to try my best to sort all this out with my doctor.

 

Thanks for checking in on me.  I am still hanging in there, although sometimes it feels like just barely.  My will is still quite strong.

 

Take care,

 

Crono