[WT...] Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Sorry for the negative post, you all, but I just need to talk about how I feel right now. Despite the fact that I know I have made progress, I just feel like I'm ruined. My thoughts, and feelings are so FAR removed from anything I recognize as myself, that I just can't see, or even imagine who I am. I see logically that my brain is healing and such, but I'm NOT who I was, or am supposed to be. Some would say that 8 months is still early, but there are just some symptoms that I think I should not still be experiencing. I used to see the world as such a beautiful place, and could even find good in bad things, but now, everything is sinister. Should I still be feeling that things are sinister at 8 months? Shouldn't that be gone by now? Examples: I can imagine that even plants die, and it horrifies me. (This is stupid.) I can look at the sky, and feel a sense of doom. I just don't think I should be experiencing this still (although it's not as bad as it used to be.) I don't want anyone else to feel this way, but I hope it's still normal to have these feelings at 8 months out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[pa...] Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 WT- I just want you to know that I care and that I have felt that way off and on a LOT over the last month. I think it has been worse in the past, but the fact that we have to endure it at all - and for so long - is just so unfair. It feels like I'm in - or waking up from anesthesia. I get it. Hopefully we dont' have too much longer. You've come a long way - longer than me. I just know your'e going to get there. It can't be much longer for you. I know it feels awful. I just feel that it's best to say this and let you cry. I need that a lot - to just have someone tell me it's okay and that this is a big burden to carry - and to just let me cry. It's a hard experience - harder than anything we'll ever have to endure. I write to buddies on the success stories site when I am REALLY Down. It always helps me to hear from those who have directly healed from my same benzo (in my case, klonopin). I love you. I know we'll get through this. :)Parker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[re...] Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 I know what you mean, WT. I felt bad during my taper, but it wasn't until my 'recovery' that I actually felt crazy - like a different person, lost in someone else's nightmare. For me, this feeling comes and goes. So I just wait it out. You seem to have longer cycles. I don't know why. But if you ever felt ok during this whole recovery, I think it's certain that you'll feel good again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ho...] Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 I am just a few weeks behind you and definitely have very similar feelings on a daily basis. I pray for relief and healing for us both soon. Hang in there!! Hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[WT...] Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 Thank you, Parker, Redeven, and Hope4444. I'm sorry that you all experience feelings like this too, but I'm glad I'm not alone. I know for a fact I did not have these kinds of feeling before w/d. I can't cope with the thought of not going back to who I was before all this mess. I like to read the success stories a lot too, but I never actually know how psychologically bad off the people who recovered were. I know my mind always tells me "They weren't nothing like you, and that's why they recovered." Of course I don't always buy into the benzo brain stuff, but it's so powerful. I feel as though I'm in a near death experience -- it feels spiritual, but in a horrible, horrible way. Can anyone relate to that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ma...] Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 I see you cold turkeyed. I have yet to taper, but I have thought alot about Stevie Nicks. She said it took her two years to feel better. Look how well she is now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[WT...] Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 I see you cold turkeyed. I have yet to taper, but I have thought alot about Stevie Nicks. She said it took her two years to feel better. Look how well she is now. Hi, Mairin, do you have a link to where she talks about that? I'm a big fan of Stevie Nicks. I've always heard her talk about her 47 day detox, but I have yet to find further info. If you can link me to additional info, that would be great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I'm over 10 months out and also have the mental issues, although mine are different from yours; maybe it has to do with the different kinds of benzos, or brain chemistry, etc. This said, you are not alone and as time moves forward, these thoughts should start to lessen and eventually go away for good. Distraction seems to work well for me at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[os...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 All of this is quite simply your body trying to right itself... and it will. I know i have not CT´d myself or that i am not free but i was tapering and daily at that... and i had an afternoon where everything went... i am not quite sure if many here define windows as just being periods of feeling better than usual or whether real windows are a real sense of well being and a huge change in feeling... that is what i had and it was magical and it was instant... i actually felt like my real self and i have not felt that in over 20 years... life felt amazing... Why that happened i do not know but it went again... yet i am feeling a gradual return to myself apart from when my taper is not going great BUT my point is this... it all snaps back... sometimes it is gradual and for others it is like a switch gets flipped... i think many here refer to windows as being that but not all... Hang in there, the sky, nature and life itself will all feel super again... it WILL happen... and oh boy is it ever worth it... you bet. I am SO grateful for that true window, it only lasted hours but when i feel bad, if i remember to think on that time and how instant it was, i KNOW that the whole journey will be worth it and then some... Just keep on going... you may wake up one day and find that the sky is great and chances are you´ll wanna go fly a kite... the sky is not doom, it is just the drug and it will leave and the best stuff will be yours to enjoy... it will be like going from fuzzy black and white to full HD color... that´s what is waiting... maybe we´ll appreciate it so much more when the time comes eh? Keep going, many CT´s on the success stories healed 100%, you will too. Oscar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[st...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hi Buddies, This process brings us into some horrible, deep, dark places but I can attest that the world will seem brighter in the near future. I still can vividly remember hearing a bird sing one morning and noticing the billowy clouds in the sky after being in such despair. I then knew that life was waiting around the corner for me. This dark place is only temporary. Patty xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 So sorry WTBNA that you are feeling so awful. One day you too will have a success story to share with us. Just hang in there. Already 7 months free! How good that must feel to be free. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I see you cold turkeyed. I have yet to taper, but I have thought alot about Stevie Nicks. She said it took her two years to feel better. Look how well she is now. Hi, Mairin, do you have a link to where she talks about that? I'm a big fan of Stevie Nicks. I've always heard her talk about her 47 day detox, but I have yet to find further info. If you can link me to additional info, that would be great. I read the same thing somewhere...that she hid in her brother's house for 2 years after the 47 days on detox. I believe the 47 days was acute withdrawal phase only. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hmmmm....same here...I feel this unfamiliarity about myself that scares me. I too can only see the negative, the scary, the evil in things...very rarely the positive. The only things I can sometimes see positive in is nature, children, baby animals and art. So I try to fill my life with those. Distraction seems to help me; arts and crafts especially. Do you have any hobbies? Even if you don't feel like working on them, if you force yourself you'd be surprised at how many times you can get a little glimpse of joy here and there. It is when my mind is free to wander that I encounter the darkest thoughts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[WT...] Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 All of this is quite simply your body trying to right itself... and it will. I know i have not CT´d myself or that i am not free but i was tapering and daily at that... and i had an afternoon where everything went... i am not quite sure if many here define windows as just being periods of feeling better than usual or whether real windows are a real sense of well being and a huge change in feeling... that is what i had and it was magical and it was instant... i actually felt like my real self and i have not felt that in over 20 years... life felt amazing... Why that happened i do not know but it went again... yet i am feeling a gradual return to myself apart from when my taper is not going great BUT my point is this... it all snaps back... sometimes it is gradual and for others it is like a switch gets flipped... i think many here refer to windows as being that but not all... Hang in there, the sky, nature and life itself will all feel super again... it WILL happen... and oh boy is it ever worth it... you bet. I am SO grateful for that true window, it only lasted hours but when i feel bad, if i remember to think on that time and how instant it was, i KNOW that the whole journey will be worth it and then some... Just keep on going... you may wake up one day and find that the sky is great and chances are you´ll wanna go fly a kite... the sky is not doom, it is just the drug and it will leave and the best stuff will be yours to enjoy... it will be like going from fuzzy black and white to full HD color... that´s what is waiting... maybe we´ll appreciate it so much more when the time comes eh? Keep going, many CT´s on the success stories healed 100%, you will too. Oscar Hi, Oscar, I too have had windows where it feels as though a switch has been flipped, and everything goes back to normal -- completely amazing! The sadness is that it disappears, and I feel almost as though I will always have only windows of normalcy. I guess it's natural to feel that way when that's all you experience anymore. I haven't had a window that good since November, but I have had some decent spells since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[WT...] Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hmmmm....same here...I feel this unfamiliarity about myself that scares me. I too can only see the negative, the scary, the evil in things...very rarely the positive. The only things I can sometimes see positive in is nature, children, baby animals and art. So I try to fill my life with those. Distraction seems to help me; arts and crafts especially. Do you have any hobbies? Even if you don't feel like working on them, if you force yourself you'd be surprised at how many times you can get a little glimpse of joy here and there. It is when my mind is free to wander that I encounter the darkest thoughts I can't do any of my past hobbies because it just saddens me really bad. I have taken up photography as a new thing to distract, and it helps me some. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[el...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hi WTBNA....I have a wood stove.When I put a piece of wood in it and I see a ant about ready to get burned,My feeling for that ant is like it is a human,or one of my dogs!I have to turn away.Stop my thoughts...When I was 3 yrs old I remember crying because the food in the fridge was cold.So I think its kind of like that for me now!Thats my crazy post for today!Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[WT...] Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hi WTBNA....I have a wood stove.When I put a piece of wood in it and I see a ant about ready to get burned,My feeling for that ant is like it is a human,or one of my dogs!I have to turn away.Stop my thoughts...When I was 3 yrs old I remember crying because the food in the fridge was cold.So I think its kind of like that for me now!Thats my crazy post for today!Lol I can identify, Elsie. I do remember even as an adult (before w/d) feeling bad for seeing a stuffed animal out in the rain at a trailer park once. There are also black ants in my kitchen (they are large, and you almost always see them in solitude) that I always avoid stepping on.. sometimes I will offer them crumbs of food. Also there are some small moths I see in my home, and I named one of them "Arthur".. I'm very sensitive at this point because I now know what real suffering is. When it comes to people though.. I feel evil feelings when I look at them -- it's so odd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 OMG! I have always thought I was strange for having some of these highly sensitive feelings for living and non living things. I have done the same thing. People giggle at me because I am known to save the crickets here at work. They step on them and I get so upset! I literally walk up the hall and grab them and set them free outside. I saved a mosquito in my house the other day from drowning in my bathtub! Spiders i kill though. I have an intense fear of them. I make a deal with them...stay hidden and you don't die. Come out into my living space and I have no choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[os...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I can't do any of my past hobbies because it just saddens me really bad. This one i can so relate to... we´ll be back to enjoying our previous hobbies soon enough, i think it is a good idea to try new things, anything that distracts... A permanent window will come. Oscar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hmmmm....same here...I feel this unfamiliarity about myself that scares me. I too can only see the negative, the scary, the evil in things...very rarely the positive. The only things I can sometimes see positive in is nature, children, baby animals and art. So I try to fill my life with those. Distraction seems to help me; arts and crafts especially. Do you have any hobbies? Even if you don't feel like working on them, if you force yourself you'd be surprised at how many times you can get a little glimpse of joy here and there. It is when my mind is free to wander that I encounter the darkest thoughts I can't do any of my past hobbies because it just saddens me really bad. I have taken up photography as a new thing to distract, and it helps me some. I know the feeling...like all the stuff we used to like to do feels bad now that we are not ourselves....My hobby used to be art (painting watercolors, oil, acrylic), but now I'm doing crafts mostly home decor stuff -- similar, but different and I get to decorate my house with the things I make Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hi WTBNA....I have a wood stove.When I put a piece of wood in it and I see a ant about ready to get burned,My feeling for that ant is like it is a human,or one of my dogs!I have to turn away.Stop my thoughts...When I was 3 yrs old I remember crying because the food in the fridge was cold.So I think its kind of like that for me now!Thats my crazy post for today!Lol Exactly! I think in many ways our brains regress to that of a toddler...actually, I can identify better with my toddler now than with adults Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[pa...] Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I have a 2yo. There are days I think he is smarter than me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[tr...] Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I see you cold turkeyed. I have yet to taper, but I have thought alot about Stevie Nicks. She said it took her two years to feel better. Look how well she is now. Hi, Mairin, do you have a link to where she talks about that? I'm a big fan of Stevie Nicks. I've always heard her talk about her 47 day detox, but I have yet to find further info. If you can link me to additional info, that would be great. Here's the link of Stevie Nicks talking about her ordeal: _http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/3667803/Stevie-Nicks-a-survivors-story.html_ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest [...] Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 hey W just want to share something do you think you have a little ocd happening. just with you looking at people and thinking they are evil. is it that you look at them and think it then get the flight or fight response to the thoughts or do you really think it. you must remember you brain has been traumatised the world is now a very scary place ive had these thoughts before but mine is ocd. just a tip that my psychologist told me JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT DOESNT MAKE IT REAL i love this however when im in full ocd mode like i am at the moment i cant believe it. just came back from the doctors again with my thoughts that all this crap has ruined me forever. for the 60000000 time. good luck Lizzy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ga...] Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 WTBNA I, too thought i was better but now find it hard to figure out whats real depression and w/d depression. I thought Id feel so much better this far down the road :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
![[WT...]](data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns%3D%22http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w3.org%2F2000%2Fsvg%22%20viewBox%3D%220%200%201024%201024%22%20style%3D%22background%3A%23c46278%22%3E%3Cg%3E%3Ctext%20text-anchor%3D%22middle%22%20dy%3D%22.35em%22%20x%3D%22512%22%20y%3D%22512%22%20fill%3D%22%23ffffff%22%20font-size%3D%22700%22%20font-family%3D%22-apple-system%2C%20BlinkMacSystemFont%2C%20Roboto%2C%20Helvetica%2C%20Arial%2C%20sans-serif%22%3EW%3C%2Ftext%3E%3C%2Fg%3E%3C%2Fsvg%3E)
![[br...]](data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns%3D%22http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w3.org%2F2000%2Fsvg%22%20viewBox%3D%220%200%201024%201024%22%20style%3D%22background%3A%2362b8c4%22%3E%3Cg%3E%3Ctext%20text-anchor%3D%22middle%22%20dy%3D%22.35em%22%20x%3D%22512%22%20y%3D%22512%22%20fill%3D%22%23ffffff%22%20font-size%3D%22700%22%20font-family%3D%22-apple-system%2C%20BlinkMacSystemFont%2C%20Roboto%2C%20Helvetica%2C%20Arial%2C%20sans-serif%22%3EB%3C%2Ftext%3E%3C%2Fg%3E%3C%2Fsvg%3E)
![[ve...]](data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns%3D%22http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w3.org%2F2000%2Fsvg%22%20viewBox%3D%220%200%201024%201024%22%20style%3D%22background%3A%23a562c4%22%3E%3Cg%3E%3Ctext%20text-anchor%3D%22middle%22%20dy%3D%22.35em%22%20x%3D%22512%22%20y%3D%22512%22%20fill%3D%22%23ffffff%22%20font-size%3D%22700%22%20font-family%3D%22-apple-system%2C%20BlinkMacSystemFont%2C%20Roboto%2C%20Helvetica%2C%20Arial%2C%20sans-serif%22%3EV%3C%2Ftext%3E%3C%2Fg%3E%3C%2Fsvg%3E)
![[sh...]](http://content.invisioncic.com/l325915/monthly_2023_07/3C0838FD-BC6D-4673-A127-1105F46CC6B4.thumb.jpeg.de8ae6ed05bbb97dda7fd69ecb7133d8.jpeg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.