Unable to be alone for extended periods of time - Need Support

[[Kl...]]

I am terribly embarrassed to admit this, but I need information, hope, and encouragement that this too shall pass. I have become dysfunctional in terms of being able to live on my own, let alone be left alone unless I am having relief from my symptoms (extreme anxiety).  I have moved in with my mom and she is my sole carer.  My mom has been fantastic in providing me with grounding and a sense of safety, but she gets worn out and needs a break.  It has gotten to the point where we are discussing hiring someone to babysit when other family/friends are unable to help. 

 

The distorted thought process is born out of a fear of getting hit with a symptom(s) that I am unprepared for and a fear of dying.  The impact that these drugs have on families in surreal.  Thank you for reading this.  I hope to hear back.  Hugs, Klonkers

[[os...]]

Hi Klonkers,

 

If that helps then i´d say do it... gives your mum a break... i also could not be left alone if i were in a wave or off so recently... you are aware you need someone with you and so you should try and organize that... i know that terrifying anxiety that i had a month ago made me VERY scared to be left alone for even half an hour...

 

I hope you manage to sort something out until these fears and anxieties subside which they will.

 

Oscar

[[...]]

Same here Klonkers...can't stay alone for more than 5-10 minutes.  My husband has been with me (or some other family member) 24/7 for the past 6 months and I don't see that changing any time soon

[[pa...]]

A big hug to ALL of you.  I just want you to know how incredibly NORMAL this is for recovery.  I don't know why it is, but I feel there is an animal part of the hindbrain - the deep animal brain inside, that just wants to run and hide. It's as if the fear center that would normally be impacted in the face of a mortal predator is being activated. I spent many mornings under the covers just trying to hide from nothing -freezing.  It wasn't rational, but I couldnt' think my way out of it.  And I have never experienced anyting like that before in my entire life.

 

My dad came over every day for about a month starting around month 3.  I had 2 kids to take care of in the midst of this, one a toddler.  I needed his help - not only with the kids, but to console me. There were so many times that all I can do was hold on to him - physically hold on - and sob.  It is the worst "hurt" in your entire life. I so get it.

 

I just want you to know that it passes. For me, that's all gone.  I still have some bad mornings and some days I dont' like, but those times of needing someone around are over.  It's intense while it lasts, but it's not "real" - and it changes as the GABA re-alights to the neurons. 

 

The only thing you "have" to do during this time is "last through it".  Do anything you can. Sometimes you can literally do nothing but huddle under those covers, and that is fine. Other times, just playing a simple computer game or word game without much pressure is enough to distract. TV can be good if the volume is down and the show is easy to watch.  Familiar TV shows from childhood helped me. I watched and recorded every last episode of Little House on the Prairie. I cried on every episode and watched them over and over. 

Those days have ended.  I'm not 100%, but this intense time DOES end. It really does. 

 

While it lasts, it's okay to feel messed up. Personally, I knew that "this is not me" and yet my rational mind could not overcome the irrational fear I felt in my body and my very being. And that bothered me all the more! - because that truthfully DOES make you feel crazy, doesn't it?  But you are NOT crazy. You are simply in a state of CNS overexcitability - nothing more. And while it's not somethign you've ever felt before, and not something you're ever going to feel again, it's still very unnerving. 

 

I wanted to say all of this so that you feel UNDERSTOOD, because everyone feels like NOBODY else felt this bad.  I promise you that's not true. Many of us - myself included - have beeen through a time this bad.  But I promise you, it ends.

 

If nothing else, KNOW that it ends.  It may be like this off and on for a few months, but it will let up at times, just enough to help you catch your breath.  And the healing, for me, couldn't come fast enough.But a LOT can change in a short time. I promise you.

 

Hold on. You've only got to hold on and do nothing else.  It will change.

 

Love to you,

xoxo

Parker

[[Kl...]]

Dear Parker,

 

I feel so much relief and comfort after reading your post.  I have been feeling like there is something incredibly wrong with my personality and that it is proof that I have some deep-seated problems.  Today, I am up for a breather with great (and needed) symptom abatement.  I don't have the cold fear and dread that makes me feel so very small and vulnerable. 

 

Thank you again for your very compassionate explanation of what is going on.  I am going to print this off for my mom.  I am sure she will appreciate reading this.  Many Hugs, Klonkers

[[pa...]]

Klonkers,

 

I printed EVERY success story having to do with Klonopin and read them over and over in the bed on these days.  My memory was so shot that I couldnt' remember what success story to come look at, so I printed them. LOL.  And I have a post from Zoe about the fog lifting that I printed out and hung on my bathroom wall. It is so healthy to keep this positive, comforting stuff around while we're healing. Good for you. You may be going through it, Klonkers, but you have SUCH good skills and such a naturally positive attitude. That shines through on here. I just want you to know that.

:)Parker

[[Sa...]]

I also have that symptom as well. This has been my symptom now for 27 months! I am now 27 months off the benzos, but it does get better and you can adjust to being alone. I had to have my boyfriend with me 24-7 in the beginning, then when he went back to work (his job is seasonal) I have to move with my mom 10 hours away from where we live so I could be with someone (she works in the house), then I came back to our house where my boyfriend and I live, and then again when he went back to work last year I had called SEVERAL churches and finally found a woman who was willing to come over and babysit me. She stuck it out for 9 months!!!! I was sooooo thankful.... then when she told me she was burnt out I was DEVASTATED! I then put an add in the newspaper for a female comapanion to help recover from breif illness, and I paid a woman to come and help me! Now this year he is back to work, just started last Saturday and I am doing this myself - giving it my all, and I have been healing the whole time and I am getting better, but yes, at times it is very stressful especially when you are in a wave, but you can do it! I get some moments of panic, but I DISTRACT myself the best way I know how, and I made it! He will be coming home in a half hour and he will be home all weekend, then we do it again!!! I am going to FIGHT this year to not have anyone else here and TRY my best to do it on my own. I am obviously off longer than you and in recovery more, so this is why this may be a little easier for me now, but it is still difficult at times.

 

This is has been my main symptom coming off benzos. Fear of being alone, Anxiety, and Derealization - but life is getting better..... just VERY slowly.......

 

SamElliot

[[Kl...]]

Dear SamElliott,

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  You have given me and my mom some very good ideas on how to resource to get some help.  To have lost your companion after 9 months must have been a terrible blow, but it sounds like you really are doing well! 

 

I will send you a PM to ask for details of how this arrangement worked for you.  Thank you!  Hugs, Klonkers

[[Bi...]]

Klonkers,

 

Yes, I have a fear of being alone. The thing is, I ask myself, "What is it I fear?" This is organic fear, and the d/r doesn't help. I think it does get better. If you can, try to go outside and do some tree yoga. I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

Billy.

[[Kl...]]

Klonkers,

 

I printed EVERY success story having to do with Klonopin and read them over and over in the bed on these days.  My memory was so shot that I couldnt' remember what success story to come look at, so I printed them. LOL.  And I have a post from Zoe about the fog lifting that I printed out and hung on my bathroom wall. It is so healthy to keep this positive, comforting stuff around while we're healing. Good for you. You may be going through it, Klonkers, but you have SUCH good skills and such a naturally positive attitude. That shines through on here. I just want you to know that.

:)Parker

 

Awww, Parker!  It is so great to hear you affirm the "real me".  The temporary personality changes that come with w/d are astounding to me.  My mom is pretty tough when it comes to this w/d stuff - when I say "I can't" I have to come up with a statement that refutes the negative.  Although I admit that I felt a bit miffed when my mom broke out the CBT stuff, I must say that it has demonstrably shortened my downward, negative spirals and gets me back in the boat again.  Basically the more I talk about my fears the more I am in fear.  Hugs, Klonkers

[[Kl...]]

P.S. To Parker,

 

I almost forgot to tell you that my mom said that your post on GABA and glutamate was probably one of the most helpful things she has read so far with respect to benzo w/d.  She said, and I quote, "Parker is a very bright, young woman."  And yes you are!  Hugs, Klonkers

[[no...]]

After reading these posts, i am wanting to ask you all- what if this kind of thinking increases out as far as 6 months? I never had this as much at first, did whatever I needed to do, was anxious some...but now it seems to be escalating. and its like I just start telling myself I'm scared, and I begin then to feel it, and it spirals. I am very worried that I am just becoming more neurotic as time goes by, rather than healing. Would love to think that this is a temporary w/d symptom, but it seems to be gaining steam. I do work out of the house, and go to school, shop etc. but not without a ton of fighting the "I can't"thoughts.

I am home alone now, and need to stay really busy to keep from thinking about the fact that I am home alone. I absolutely hate it.-Susan

[[Kl...]]

Hi north,

 

I would be willing to bet that if my problems continue past acute that I would benefit from some behavioral therapy.  It's great that you are working and maintaining your social life!  I wonder if there is some element of trauma in this w/d business? Hugs, KL

[[no...]]

I think you have a point.  The experiences of w/d have me very vulnerable feeling, raw.  Even after this is past, it seems like it will take some major adjustments to being in the world.

Did you have any fear of being alone prior to benzos or while on them?

[[...]]

A big hug to ALL of you.  I just want you to know how incredibly NORMAL this is for recovery.  I don't know why it is, but I feel there is an animal part of the hindbrain - the deep animal brain inside, that just wants to run and hide. It's as if the fear center that would normally be impacted in the face of a mortal predator is being activated.

This is IT! This is what's controlling me: the fight-or-flight response...the flight part used to the the worse, but lately it's the fight that's on the forefront

[[Sa...]]

I messaged you back in your inbox! Please reply when you get it.... Hope you have a great day tomorrow!!!

[[bl...]]

Hi Klonkers,

 

I had agoraphobia before I was on benzodiazepines and sometimes had this exact symptom which was horrible; if no one could stay with me, I would lie in bed pretending to be asleep with my eyes shut until someone came home. Apparently it is just a part of agoraphobia and is perfectly normal. Another relative of mine really struggled with a similar problem (also not benzo-related). So it will go away when you're all healed again. It went away and for me, was a primary disorder.

 

It's not flared up during my w/d yet, but I expect it will since I've had some other bad problems relating to agoraphobia recently. I just remind myself that it's okay to be kind of loopy right now because my brain is going through major confusion about "where did all the GABA go?" Of course I feel confused in turn!

 

I was sitting in a cafe with visual hallucinations of things crawling on themselves and unable to gauge speed or distance, also some auditory distortions, in the first few days of my taper. I had d/p and d/r which I recognized from "pre-benzo" times all too well. I just told myself mentally that it was okay to see the room crawl around that way because I was short on GABA. That helped me. Talk to yourself about how you feel and try to reason with yourself when you can. If you're scared of being alone, try writing down what you are afraid of. For me, it was not being able to get to the ER if I needed to, or having something happen that I couldn't cope with, or sometimes just being unable to handle my anxiety and fearing I would go crazy while alone and then I would not have anyone to help me. That kind of thing. Then you can use CBT very easily to reason with yourself: We have 911 and people have cell-phones too. Fearing anxiety makes the anxiety worse. If I need someone, I can call someone, even a stranger at a psych help line (been there, done that, they're very nice to talk to). If there was a major emergency, the police could quickly locate my relatives. That sort of thing.

 

I don't know if that helps. But it sometimes helped me.

 

You know what else helped me a lot? This will sound strange. But with my family at home, I would take a walk by myself with my cell phone, around the neighborhood. Sometimes I would get really far. I never much called home because I knew that I could if I needed to.

 

I'm probably going to wind up in this state too. I'm pretty well-prepared for it, luckily.

 

I hope you ride it out and feel better soon. You'll be back to your old self in time. Remember about your brain. It wants to know where it's GABA is, because it isn't there yet. 

[[re...]]

Klonkers,

Nothing wrong with your personality. Its your brain in wd. I had times when I could not be alone as well. The fear is just so intense. And there is no way to use logic to out think it. It will pass. It just takes time. Sometimes a lot of it. Hang in there. You are doing great.

Hiring a care provider is a good idea.

 

Keep us posted. Hope you heal quickly.

 

[[sm...]]

Klonkers-I am there with blueorchidlady- I had agoraphobia before the benzo's......I got over it though.  I was actually put on the benzo for vertigo, and anxiety due to my health issues, but I was working and living alone and taking care of my little girl on my own.  BUT, it came back STRONG, in wd.  The first month I could not be alone.  I had to move in with my parents because living alone will not work right now.  I am to the point where I can be alone at home, sometimes for the whole day, and I don't freak out, and I get out and about too way more than in the beginning.  But, think about it, when you have the flu, or if you had some serious disease, would you enjoy being alone??NOOOOO, you would want comfort and people to be around you because you don't feel good, this is normal, there is so nothing wrong with you.  I tell myself this is a like a really bad cold that just takes months to get over instead of a week or two.  But at some point I started to realize....I am going to feel weird whether my parents are home or not, so I better start getting comfortable with how I am feeling and be ok with being with it, because that is why we like being around other people, they help us feel in the moment, or in reality more......but we have to learn to be ok with ourselves, even with how weird we feel.  I still have really strong dp, and at times it does freak me out, but I know what it is, so being around someone won't make it go away.  I think part of this process is learning to be with ourselves again, and to find strength in ourselves, and lots and lots of patience.  You know its funny, because of this I started to question whether I would ever live on my own again??Will I always have to be with someone??  Well I have no choice, my parents push me away, and I don't have money to hire someone to be with me, but man that would be awesome!! Man, what this drug does to someone, and the families, grrrrrr makes me mad.  But like I said I am almost at three months, and being alone at home doesn't bother me anymore.  Its the being alone out and about that still gets to me, and the thought of living on my own again, but all of this will pass:)

[[os...]]

I am relieved that this seems normal for some, when i hit a wall a month back and my anxiety was through the roof, i was very scared to be left alone for even half an hour... i generally hate being alone now, i just feel better with someone here.

 

Oscar

[[Ho...]]

Klonkers,

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. But I'm glad you can come here and read all these stories from all these wonderful, compassionate people. (You guys are awesome. Thank you all so much for all you do to help members like klonkers. The members here at BB, constantly amaze me with their insight, understanding and the love they bring to this forum every day.)

 

Klonkers, I hope you know now that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I read a lot of posts here on BB and you are in good company. This anxiety you feel, sadly is very normal after a taper. You needn't feel embarrassed by something that many of our members feel on daily basis. What I've also gleaned from the forum, regarding this severe type of anxiety is that it can get better pretty quickly. The majority of members notice a change within a month or two, at the outside. I know that may sound like a lifetime but the point is, this anxiety will lift.

 

Remember, you're not alone. We're all just a click of the keyboard away. You have hundreds of people who understand what you're going through, will not judge you and want to help you through this.

 

This is temporary, Klonkers. You're doing a great job of facing this. You're a very strong woman. Hold on to that. This monster will not win.

 

Thinking of you. 

 

Hope

[[no...]]

Hope- what if you are having this severe anxiety at 7 months out and it has gotten steadily worse? I am having a hard time thinking this is w/d and not just me without meds. I seem to be progressing in the wrong direction!

Susan

[[Ho...]]

I replied to your PM, northofhere. 

[[Kl...]]

Klonkers,

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. But I'm glad you can come here and read all these stories from all these wonderful, compassionate people. (You guys are awesome. Thank you all so much for all you do to help members like klonkers. The members here at BB, constantly amaze me with their insight, understanding and the love they bring to this forum every day.)

 

Klonkers, I hope you know now that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I read a lot of posts here on BB and you are in good company. This anxiety you feel, sadly is very normal after a taper. You needn't feel embarrassed by something that many of our members feel on daily basis. What I've also gleaned from the forum, regarding this severe type of anxiety is that it can get better pretty quickly. The majority of members notice a change within a month or two, at the outside. I know that may sound like a lifetime but the point is, this anxiety will lift.

 

Remember, you're not alone. We're all just a click of the keyboard away. You have hundreds of people who understand what you're going through, will not judge you and want to help you through this.

 

This is temporary, Klonkers. You're doing a great job of facing this. You're a very strong woman. Hold on to that. This monster will not win.

 

Thinking of you. 

 

Hope

 

Dear Hope,

 

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I really mean that.  I really feel the love. . .  Hugs, Klonkers

[[no...]]

Ditto ditto

This place makes the day to day struggle possible!