Why oh why do these windows close?

[[Mi...]]

That is a rhetorical question.  I already know this is the pattern with recovery.  Here I am, 7 weeks off, feeling great and ticking off the days on my calendar so I can go over to the success forum and declare myself healed.  Yesterday I was out planting flowers and enjoying the sunshine and breeze and thinking my benzo nightmare was behind me.  Got up today and got slammed with a huge wave.  BP spiked, feeling irritable and out of sorts, muscle twitches back, itching, nauseated, palpitating and just want to hide in a dark closet.    This is the cruelest aspect of this journey, the unpredictable up and down nature of it all.  Oh and to add insult to injury, I got a JURY SUMMONS in my mail today.  Normally I wouldn't mind doing my civic duty, but woe be unto the defendant who has an addle brained benzo recovering jurist on their case!

 

MiniMinnie

[[tu...]]

MiniMinnie:  I will be 6 weeks off this Friday.  I have good and bad days in my recovery.  Yesterday and today have been very tough.  The dizziness (and panicky feeling attached to it) have resurfaced.  It is so unsettling and disabling.  I understand the feeling during a good window, that return of "yourself", the uptick in energy and mood that leaves you feeling the worst is over.  It is soooo disheartening when symptoms return.  You doubt if you will ever truly be healed.

 

I know it is the benzos talking when I doubt my healing (at least I am telling myself that).  I just feel so inadequate in every way right now when I have symptoms.  Which of course only makes it worse.  This is so tough.  I fully understand where you are at.  We just have to move through these waves the best we can.  For myself, while I am going to take it easy (cancelled lunch plans and will enlist driving help if I need it), I am also going to force myself to do the things I know are healing and beneficial for me (doing some yoga, working on a project, calling my mom, journaling, getting some sunshine).  What we both know are that the waves are temporary.  They are not permanent.  A window is just around the corner (maybe tomorrow).  Keep your chin up.  We will both be posting on the success board before too long.

[[Mi...]]

Thank you Turtlegirl!  Just to have a few words of empathy and encouragement help a lot.  As per your advice, I am going out to take a walk in the sunshine and then I might just pile up on the couch and watch trash TV for a while.  The laundry and dirty bathrooms can wait!  Yes, we BOTH will soon be posting on the success forum.  Hang in there and I will too.

 

MiniMinnie

[[Le...]]

Mini,

  I am not to far ahead of you and the first two months were there own share of hell. I had to wait until almost three months to get my first window. It closed yesterday and I as well felt defeated. I had this thought when I woke up this morning that I feel like I am being eaten alive and that I don't know how to stop it. Just two days ago I had a fantastic day and hope more are on the way. These "attacks" are like torture. They come on without warning and when they do you have no control over them, you just have to make your way through it. I know each of us is having a difficult time but if we stick together we can beat this together. I look forward to the days where this is a simple memory. I just hope too much of life doesn't pass me by before it stops causing havoc in my life. Last weekend I pushed through and actually got out of the house two days in a row. I was very impressed. I also got a dog who brings a great deal of joy for and I have to get better for both of us. He needs me and I adopted him in order to get better. Sending you prayers for waves and peace.

[[Mi...]]

Thank you for your encouraging words Leo.  Congrats on being benzo free and for getting out of the house over the weekend.  You are right, we who are going through this have to support one another.  I do know that when I come to the forum and get kind words from a fellow sufferer, I do feel better, less alone and more hopeful.  I'm so glad you got the dog, animals are very intuitive and can be a true source of companionship and healing.  Leo, lets determine to hang in there one day at a time and soon we will be able to reclaim our lives lost to this demon drug.

 

MiniMinnie