Under 4mgs Valium and scared of the future, any support please?

[[os...]]

Hi all,

 

I am at the equivalent of 3.8mgs Valium and i am holding for a couple of days.

I am titrating using tiny daily cuts yet when i hit 4mgs i had a really rough time, i had been tapering for 7.5 months and i think it all caught up with me, i had severe anxiety, catastrophic thinking, muscle cramps in my back, tons of fear, i held my dose for 6 days and all came right but since that time i have been having a hard time with this tapering business.

 

I feel well in many ways, no adrenaline, no real anxiety, my mind is definitely clearer but the following thoughts really nag at me constantly...

 

-Will i find that my current cut loses it´s effectiveness? I cannot go much slower than i am now.

 

-No matter how slow i go, is insomnia inevitable? I dread to think i´ll lose sleep also given that i have so much longer to taper

 

-Was my anxiety spike a one off or will that come again?

 

-Will i make to to zero without everything suddenly going to hell?

 

-Worst of all, will i get protracted symptoms and end up in hell despite all my efforts to do this slowly?

 

I feel i am healing in many ways but i have turned another corner in as much as i feel almost too alert at this point, my doses now do not seem to have any effect at all... (i know that is probably a good thing but i really fear sleep will go and that generally i will feel worse as i get lower, despite many improvements)

 

In short, i am FULL of fear that this is all going to go wrong and i am going to find myself stuck in an awful place despite all my efforts to go slow.

 

I have so little motivation for ANYTHING these days, even shaving and taking a shower (i usually strip wash), i just feel that almost ALL my thoughts are about withdrawal on a daily basis and every day feels like groundhog day, i have no energy physically and i am just spent with this whole thing at the moment and so many fears of things going bad.

 

I am HOPING that by the time i reach 3mg/2.5mg/2mg thereabouts, that i start to feel some relief in my general wellness... yet right now i have a bad gut every morning, feel so lethargic and although symptoms are low, i just feel scared the whole time that it´s all going to kick off again...

 

I just find this 4mg - 3.5mg stage really hard going and i so want to turn a corner and have a day where i feel some confidence... my biggest fear is the return of extreme anxiety... yet living in that fear is really taking it´s toll on me now... i suspect many fears are unfounded yet i have experienced that anxiety and panic and crazy thoughts... i really feel that shook my confidence big time.

 

Any advice would be really appreciated, i do nothing but wish days away, i worry about depression, losing muscle, anxiety and if i can live without taking benzos when i am done... i really am so plagued by doubts now... fear of symptoms is one of my biggest symptoms... i am totally consumed by this process and it´s really starting to wear me out... i am so hoping things get better and/or ease up soon but i can´t help but think this won´t happen...

 

Oscar

[[os...]]

I´ll add to this...

 

I have not been out in ages and my room and house is starting to feel like jail.

 

A friend has said it´s all i think about, this is true.

 

I don´t DO anything at all... i am almost waiting to feel better but so fatigued any way, i just watch rubbish on TV and even that is hard at the moment.

 

I have the runs every morning.

 

Generally feel like i am hungover all the time, no life in me at all.

 

Sorry, i needed to vent... i know there are others worse off and reading too much negative stuff has impacted me also... i try and support others but get really freaked out by what i read here and often, yet i am always searching for nuggets that say this will get better and soon.

 

Ugh... i just needed to vent today... i can´t sit in the sun, makes me feel weird, too tired to go out but i should try...

 

Oscar

[[ve...]]

Hi Oscar.  I found that as I got lower and lower, I also seemed to get a little obssessive about the next cut and how I was feeling.  There's no doubt that after you've been at it for months and months, you can start to second guess yourself, wonder if it's worth it, get worried about the sleep loss, the agitation, the GI symptoms... Just know it's all pretty normal what you're experiencing. 

 

I might add that it can be healthy to try and take a break from forum sometimes.  I found myself spending more and more time on forum as my symptoms got a little worse in the early months of tapering and I'm not sure it was always for the best.  Now that Spring is approaching, if you can try to commit to get outdoors for half an hour a day, walk, get some sunshine and vitamin D, it can be helpful to your overall mood and outlook. 

 

You can't rush things.  The reality is that if you continue with a nice slow taper, which I believe you have committed to doing, this is going to still take some time to finish the final 3.5mg plus maybe a couple months of acute withdrawal.  That being said, as I got to 2mg, summer was approaching and I made a conscious effort that I was not going to let the taper ruin my summer with my family.  So I slowed it way down and held for three weeks on a couple of occasions and ended up having a very nice summer despite it slowing my taper down some.  You'll also probably be down to a low dose by this summer and might consider allowing yourself a life outside of the taper.  Just a thought.  By virtue of your slow taper, I think it highly unlikely that you will have protracted withdrawal. That being said, I think it is important to be realistic that you are not likely to feel fantastic right away either.  This may take some months after the last dose for your CNS to recover.  For me, I was feeling pretty good by about 4 or 5 months after my taper ended.  Some feel better sooner.  It's a process, so no use working yourself up about the what ifs.  Many have done this before you and have recovered and living life again, as you will be too .

 

Vertigo

[[Tu...]]

Hi Oscar, no one can say for sure what will happen as you go futher down on your dosage as you know that everyone is different. The thing is not to dwell or worry about "what might" as you may well experience some of the things you antecipate, but its equally possible that you dont experience any of them. Try not to worry (i know easier said than done) Look how far you have came already and any of the symptoms you have had and how you have dealt with them, your still tapering so they havent beat you! Also if you feel that things are bad then hold on what dose you are on untill you are ready to continue, no rush. As for insomnia I never experienced any problems getting to sleep during my taper and now 8 weeks benzo free, which I am greatfull for (you see everyone is different)

Best of Luck, you will be fine 

[[os...]]

Thanks so much Vertigo, you are a real star.

 

You know, i got to thinking a few days ago that by summer i should be feeling better than i do now, i have ALWAYS felt better as my taper has progressed, apart from that damn blip i had yet i had not held my dose at all in 7.5 months, maybe that was why i suffered so much when i hit a wall at 4mgs?

 

On the basis i am holding sporadically in future, there is no logic in thinking it will all happen again, yet it can be hard to lose perspective and rational thinking goes out the window all too often (if not most of the time)... i sure was slammed back then and it hurt real bad.

 

I decided just half an hour ago that i could really benefit from taking a break from the forum, much of the time i find a comfort in reading here but i can read too much about withdrawal in general and that can have a negative effect... i am literally on here all day and night... i have decided to copy and paste positive posts that i can relate to or lift me in some way and try and start lessening my time here just a bit... everything in moderation yet i have never been good at that in anything so this process is particularly bad for someone like me.

 

I have decided to try and just get on with life the best i can...starting from tomorrow, i am going to make small lists of things to do and gradually build on them, from bathing to walks... and a few light chores mixed with movies and maybe i will find a few other ways to distract... i think that the daily walks is going to be a must if i want sleep to remain... i accept that i may feel cruddy but it´s worth a shot to start putting my thoughts elsewhere, i probably really need a break from myself at this point.

 

You are right about summer, i fully intend on having the occasional break, even if it just allows me a few days where i can go to a beach café and enjoy an ice cream or smoothie... and the company of friends...

 

You´re advise has really helped me today... i need to man up a bit instead of wallowing in my own thoughts of "what if?"

 

It´s time i hit the shower and went out for a short walk, it´s time i gave myself a break, Lord knows i need one.

 

Thanks again.

 

Oscar

[[os...]]

Hi Oscar, no one can say for sure what will happen as you go futher down on your dosage as you know that everyone is different. The thing is not to dwell or worry about "what might" as you may well experience some of the things you antecipate, but its equally possible that you dont experience any of them. Try not to worry (i know easier said than done) Look how far you have came already and any of the symptoms you have had and how you have dealt with them, your still tapering so they havent beat you! Also if you feel that things are bad then hold on what dose you are on untill you are ready to continue, no rush. As for insomnia I never experienced any problems getting to sleep during my taper and now 8 weeks benzo free, which I am greatfull for (you see everyone is different)

Best of Luck, you will be fine 

 

Sorry tuk tuk, i just responded to Vertigo when you posted. THANK YOU. I posted to another member and was told to post here... i am glad i did in a way as i was sliding into a depression with my fears being just that... fears of what may happen... it´s about as useless as worry, never did anyone any good but as you say, it can be easier said than done but i´m going to try my best to start LIVING again now, i just gotta go easy as i am still in this but i´ll know to take it easy and if i need a day of rest i can do that, i am very fortunate in that i don´t have kids, work to go to (i work from home and most time is my own), i have support also so i am bloody lucky really... yet nobody knows what this is like apart from others here and that means that your post along with Vertigo´s really makes me feel understood as this can be hard... there are so many good people here and i am really grateful for that, i really am, i could never do this without the support of others... i hate knowing that others are suffering but i take comfort knowing that i am not alone in this... just to have the support and that fears and feelings are validated here makes a huge difference, so thank you.

 

I´m still going to be around to support others yet i need to find a balance in this or i´ll just go stir crazy if i think of nothing else... these posts have helped a great deal.

 

Grateful here.

 

Oscar

[[os...]]

Tuk Tuk, i have been on a dose of Librium for 20 years... 10 years i was equivalent to 8mgs Valium every evening (2 x 10mg Librium spaced out) and years later 12mg equiv of Valium (3 x 10mg Librium spaced out every night)... i see that you were on Valium for 12 years and knowing that you managed to keep sleeping throughout your taper is really reassuring... you did great... and Vertigo, i need to read your blog and Mimi´s too... i always find much reassurance in those...

 

I´m feeling much more upbeat and out of the pity pit. 

 

Oscar

[[le...]]

Hi Oscar,

 

During my taper I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I became an expert at catastrophizing everything. Most of the time the "what if's" never panned out or if they did it was never as bad as I had imagined. In fact as I got lower in my dose I began to experience healing. Some of the sx's that had plagued me throughout my taper began to wane in intensity. I began to laugh and feel again. And fear began to lose it's grip on me.

 

Insomnia was one of my biggest fears and it's what got me in this mess to begin with. I averaged 5-6 hours of sleep a night throughout my taper and I know that a slow taper with periodic holds when sleep got rough is what made the difference for me.

 

I also found that reading verti's and mimi's blogs helped to calm me when fear would get the best of me.

 

Take care Oscar. 

 

Leslie

 

[[os...]]

Thanks Leslie... that was really helpful... i guess it was that huge bump in the road that really messed me up, it was pretty intense but now i try and listen to my body for warning signs... yet i can be overly cautious at this point... but i am holding anyway.

 

Last night was weird, i had a headache that was worsening but it was not as bad as a migraine, yet i sensed there was some healing trying to happen, in a weird kind of way i sort of observed my headache from outside of myself and i thought "my brain is trying to heal, i can feel it happening"... stuff was going on for sure, lol... i was strangely far more alert/awake yesterday... my brain is fighting to recover and if i can feel that happening then that´s a good sign... yesterday was like a new level of consciousness in a way... it´s really strange how our brains slowly wake up... or make attempts to.

 

I dropped 2mgs equiv of Valium before my taper... before i was "Benzo-wise", 2 weeks later i woke at 4am covered in sweat and a headache that was so bad, it felt like my head was split in two... so last night as my headache worsened, i started thinking back to then and what if it gets really bad and of course it didn´t get that bad at all... it was just fear of stuff again... along with the changes i was feeling, yet it´s gotta happen sometime, right?

 

I think i´ll sleep tonight... i am far more chilled out today... and i will get my confidence back... when i do reach 9mgs Librium, i´ll at least be able to say i lost another mg and that is another left behind... it´s slow but i do believe i am healing along the way, the fears are just a bit hard to ignore at times and that´s why i asked for help... i feel much better with the support, thank you.

 

 

Oscar

[[ve...]]

Hi Oscar.

Many thanks for the kind words.  I didn't mean to suggest that you stay away from forum for days or weeks at a time, just that you might limit it to some number of minutes or hours per day and perhaps try, as you have indicated, focus on positive posts, success stories... I just think that spending too much time reading about all the potential withdrawal issues others have, can bring you down.  You're doing a proper taper, nice and slow.  That is going to protect you in many ways, but will not prevent some withdrawal symtoms to surface. Everybody brings their own unique history to the benzo journey so it's pointless getting yourself into a worry trap and fearing what will happen that might have happened to some others on forum.  Slow and steady wins the race in my opinion.

 

I also agree with Legos, that when things get rough, whether it's sleep or some other things, give the tapering a break for a few days or a week.  You've come a long way and are almost there, Oscar.  So keep the faith and keep keepin on.

 

If you're sleeping 5 or 6 hours, that's doing pretty well.  If you get to some days where you can't sleep as much, your body will find a way to make it up with a nap here and there or a few days later, your body and brain will adapt and give you what you need at night.  But remember, over focusing on getting sleep and thinking about how badly you need to sleep can be a recipe for worrying yourself into not sleeping.  Try to put your head down on the pillow and think  of pleasant times in your life, maybe on a vacation or trip somewhere, or some hobby or sport you enjoy doing.  For me, distraction rather than thinking about whether I would or could sleep, helped. And if you notice a thought come up about sleep worries, try not to beat yourself up about it.  Watch the sleep worry thoughts float by as leaves on a river.

 

Take care,

Vertigo

[Guest [Be...]]

Oscar,

 

My best advice would be to let go of the fear.... I found myself obsessing earlier on in my taper and you know what none of what I thought was going to happen at the lower doses has occured! 

 

You are doing a sensible slow taper so it will make it easier on your body and allow complete healing to occur once you are off the drug...worrying about something you have no control over is not healthy either...

 

I am at 1.8mg from 10mg and doing well.  I am still sleeping about the same I have been my entire taper...if anything my sleep has gotten better.

 

Wishing you more worry free days and a smooth taper on the way down!