[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Today was another reminder of what this awful drug has done to me. I called my daughter today in the midst of horrible brain fog. She is 450 miles away from me, and has been for three months, and before that two months, so in total, I have missed half a year of her life from taking benzo's. She is only three and needs me, but I can barely take care of myself right now. I am being hit right now with brain fog, light headed, dizzy, big time benzo belly, starving no matter what I eat, dp, poor memory, poor concentration. The anxiety only comes from all of these horrible sx. I had my mother in law telling me all the wonderful things my daughter is doing, and I had to accept that she wasn't doing those things with me, and that I am missing out on her growing up. I also talked to my bf tonight and after talking, and bailing on our plans yet again, I realized I could no longer even have a relationship with him. He can't just keep coming to my house and staying shut in with me. So now I have lost EVERYTHING, my job, my apartment, my daughter, my bf, my self most of all. So I am left wondering, what is there to fight for? How do you rebuild your entire life? I live with toxic people who can't stand even being around me anymore. They don't give a **it, what I am going through, nor do they believe me. Now what...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Not to mention you see everyone your age going out and partying for St. Patrick's day and knowing you aren't like everyone else. I have missed out on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve, my birthday, Valentine's Day, and now St. Patrick's Day, now the next thing I will miss is Easter, especially missing ALL of these without my daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sh...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I am sorry things are hard for you now- you have to just keep in touch w/ your daughter- write her love letters or stories about a princess ( you) locked in a tower trying to get out- she needs people to believe in her to send healing wishes etc. Don't worry about missing parties- parties come and go. Did you tell the people living w/ you to look into the web sites and read about all the others in this mess- maybe they would be a bit more compasssionate- I know before we found out about this my family while loving did not undrstand what I was going through but now they are very supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Be...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I am so sorry to read that this has happened. I can only say that if you continue to heal, then you can look forward to those golden years of your daughter's childhood. As sad as it may seem, perhaps try to take some comfort from the idea that perhaps your daughter is in the best situation for her right now and that love is sometimes sacrifice. I think the idea given to you about being a princess locked up in a castle is both brilliant and touching. Do you have a computer and does your mother in law have a computer? If so, can you Skype? It may help matters somewhat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I am exactly where you are and can emphasize with everything you say. The feeling of missing out on everything is the worst, like life is ripping you off. Before all this I was the guy who was up for anything, jump in the car and go, ride my bicycle around the lake (42 miles), run 10 miles at a crack, no social anxiety, I loved everyone and they tolerated my behavior which was abit eccentric. I would go to running races, have few beers after, go to cookouts, camp, end up in some strange situations for sure. Now, I went to the grocery store the other day and almost passed out. I still work and work out but it has become a grim duty to be gotten through and never really enjoyed. Yal, I know exactly how you feel. But you know what, it is never to late to get it all back and you will. No one can stop a truly stubborn person, your BF might like hanging out at your house, it probably saves him lots of money. As for missing parties you will save on bail money, and won't have to apologize to anyone the next day for riding their snowmobile naked on the lake(true story). I think you are cool so be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Hi smuel, Not having your sweet little girl near you, must be breaking your heart, and turning your life into an emotional rollercoaster. As difficult, and challenging as it is going to be, you must regain your life back, just as it was taken away from you. Piece by piece. When you are strong enough, you have to begin building a strong, and stable foundation for you and your daughter to rebuild your live's upon. I won't ramble on. You already know all this. You are an awesome and unique being. Celebrate that uniqueness. You can rebuild your life to something even more magnificent than before. Love yourself, and you will regain your confidence, and overcome your heartache, and live a wonderful and happy life with your daughter by your side. I sincerely wish the best for you pj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[os...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I´m really sorry you are going through all of this, i have no read the replies but i can say that you are still early out, although 2.5 months is great, there is so much more room for you to heal and emerge from this better than ever, when that happens, which it will, you can make up for all this time lost, you may not be able to reclaim that time but you´ll be back better and stronger than ever and you will be able to make each day count for so much more and in doing so you will have the best times ahead with your daughter... and you will cherish those times all the more and i know you´ll do it... you are still in this battle but it won´t be forever... it is temporary, you have so much to look forward to, don´t give up believing that because it is a fact... you WILL be able to be all you can be again and so much more... so hang in there, you will get through to amazing times again. Oscar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 I am exactly where you are and can emphasize with everything you say. The feeling of missing out on everything is the worst, like life is ripping you off. Before all this I was the guy who was up for anything, jump in the car and go, ride my bicycle around the lake (42 miles), run 10 miles at a crack, no social anxiety, I loved everyone and they tolerated my behavior which was abit eccentric. I would go to running races, have few beers after, go to cookouts, camp, end up in some strange situations for sure. Now, I went to the grocery store the other day and almost passed out. I still work and work out but it has become a grim duty to be gotten through and never really enjoyed. Yal, I know exactly how you feel. But you know what, it is never to late to get it all back and you will. No one can stop a truly stubborn person, your BF might like hanging out at your house, it probably saves him lots of money. As for missing parties you will save on bail money, and won't have to apologize to anyone the next day for riding their snowmobile naked on the lake(true story). I think you are cool so be strong. Flea- thanks, I think we are right around the same time being off right? I hear exactly what you are saying. I was driving home from acupuncture the other day and almost passed out driving. Literally, I almost pulled over and flagged someone down. Lately its not only brain fog but light headed and dizzy feeling like you can't breathe. Can I ask what state you are from? I used to love going to the lake, I used to play tennis in college, I was the funny girl, but that is all different now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Hi smuel, Not having your sweet little girl near you, must be breaking your heart, and turning your life into an emotional rollercoaster. As difficult, and challenging as it is going to be, you must regain your life back, just as it was taken away from you. Piece by piece. When you are strong enough, you have to begin building a strong, and stable foundation for you and your daughter to rebuild your live's upon. I won't ramble on. You already know all this. You are an awesome and unique being. Celebrate that uniqueness. You can rebuild your life to something even more magnificent than before. Love yourself, and you will regain your confidence, and overcome your heartache, and live a wonderful and happy life with your daughter by your side. I sincerely wish the best for you pj Pj- thank you, I am holding out for those moments where I can see her again, and my life back with her. Just trying to get through the day:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 I´m really sorry you are going through all of this, i have no read the replies but i can say that you are still early out, although 2.5 months is great, there is so much more room for you to heal and emerge from this better than ever, when that happens, which it will, you can make up for all this time lost, you may not be able to reclaim that time but you´ll be back better and stronger than ever and you will be able to make each day count for so much more and in doing so you will have the best times ahead with your daughter... and you will cherish those times all the more and i know you´ll do it... you are still in this battle but it won´t be forever... it is temporary, you have so much to look forward to, don´t give up believing that because it is a fact... you WILL be able to be all you can be again and so much more... so hang in there, you will get through to amazing times again. Oscar Thank you Oscar- I appreciate your support and have to hold on for hope:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Thank you all for the kind responses, you are all the people that encourage me in this dark time and keep me inspired, so thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Hi smuel: I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such difficulties and heartache. I can relate to feeling like you're missing out on a lot of things. I was too sick to go to my Dad's birthday dinner a few weeks ago and then my sister's birthday dinner a little over a week ago. It's my nephew's first birthday coming up and I have no idea if I will be able to share that special day with him and my family. Hang in there. You have have so many special moments to look forward to with your daughter. mmgc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Hi smuel: I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such difficulties and heartache. I can relate to feeling like you're missing out on a lot of things. I was too sick to go to my Dad's birthday dinner a few weeks ago and then my sister's birthday dinner a little over a week ago. It's my nephew's first birthday coming up and I have no idea if I will be able to share that special day with him and my family. Hang in there. You have have so many special moments to look forward to with your daughter. MMGC-So sorry to hear you are missing out on things too. How unfair. Thank you for the kind words, you hang in there too:) mmgc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ch...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Dear smuel, Just a note to say how sorry I am that you're having such difficulties. I'm glad your daughter's in good hands with your mother...this is a good time for bonding for them and your mom's being there for her and you is wonderful, especially since she's keeping you in touch with one another. Stay strong, you can and will get through this. You're young and will have a long life ahead to do all the things you want and should do. Right now you must put your recovery first, as you know. Challis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest [de...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Smuel You say you have lost everything, but I doubt you've lost your looks. Its mid March now. I am quite sure that by Memorial day, you will feel substantially better, maybe even "normal" whatever that was for you. As far as those missing months with your daughter, that must be a source of great sorrow, but i guarantee that it will not make any lasting impression on your daughter. Kids that age don't form emotional memories. Try not to let your condition cause you paranoia. I was a bit concerned with your reference about you living around so may "toxic" people. It is often difficult to read peoples' minds or evaluate their intentions, but it is particulary tough in your poor cognititive state One of the symptoms of benzo w/d should be saying "you did that on purpose". At least thats one of mine. And tis AM I punched a wall so hard today that I think I broke my right 4th metacarpal. So try to go easy on people even if they are upsetting you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Deerslayer- Well.....if you knew my family, you would know what I mean:) My brother has been a great support for me, so has my step dad...but my mom and sister have not, and they never have been even before benzo's. I have tried to emotionally separate myself from them though. They are letting me live with them though so I have to be grateful for that. Thank you for the support:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 challis- thank you, i appreciate the support:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest [de...] Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Deerslayer- Well.....if you knew my family, you would know what I mean:) My brother has been a great support for me, so has my step dad...but my mom and sister have not, and they never have been even before benzo's. I have tried to emotionally separate myself from them though. They are letting me live with them though so I have to be grateful for that. Thank you for the support:) I am a full blooded Italian American, lots of pathology in Italian families, happy stereotypes aside (Think of the movie Moonstruck). You gotta manage those difficult personalities, or avoid them entirely. I am a huge fan of Dr. Laura who I think gives great advice about such matters (although left wingers hate her). Just remember that your daughter will only remember these months as a short visit to your MIL's. I assume you have a lawyer. I know they aren't cheap, but keeping him/her aware of the situation may help prevent this benzo issue from being used against you in future custody matters. If that is too much to deal with now, then don't sweat it. It can be handled in a few months when you feel up to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 NY. Lake is , get ready, Chautauqua! It is an Indian name meaning Lake of the Flea. No, not really. Oh, this is too answer your question so nobody (else) thinks I am a weirdo. Here is a little mental health poem for you: Roses are red,violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I. Hope you are OK today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 NY!!That is like sensory overload right?? Unless you live in some quiet place there I don't know about:) Lake of the flea, niiiice. Ok so I was interested in where that is so I looked it up, looks pretty beautiful...where abouts ny is that, I mean you don't have to tell me haha I am not going to stalk you! I am hanging in there, how have your symptoms come along? Just went to the doc to get checked out and found all these food sensitivities yay for me, on top of everything else sheesh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Me...] Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I know all about missing out on life. Ughhh its the worst. I was given benzos at ,18 I hit toletence at 22, I had 2 failed tappers each lasting six months or so. In total ive literally missed 4 yrs of my life. Its gotten to the point where the only life I know is benzo withdrawal. But even through all that I have hope. Even though it sounds silly to some ppl. All of the sucess stories I read have one thing in common, at some point in there journy they beleived they would never get well. People do amaizng things when the option to give up is taken away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest [...] Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 hey Smuel I have seen many of your posts and encouragement to others so the real you is there and you are going to be fine. I cannot imagine being away from my child however I could imagine that its in her best interests at the moment as you are having such a hard time. Could you look after her the way she needs at the moment. Be blessed that she is being cared for. I hope they are letting you chat to her when you want and it would be good for them to send pics etc. Can you skype with her at all. That would be great. Concentrate on getting yourself better thats the best thing you can do for your daughter at this time. Lizzy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sm...] Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Lizzy- thank you:) I know its funny because I am always good with helping others, even when I am feeling bad myself, but then I get so sad with what I am going through and need some advice!! Sometimes I need to take my own advice:) You are right though, I can not take care of my little girl right now the way she deserves to be taken care of. She deserves to get out and play all day and go to the zoo and all the fun things little kids are supposed to do and I can not to that right now. I get to talk to her, but my computer is not set up to do skype, I don't have the camera thing on my computer:( Metheral- I can not imagine missing out on so many years of my life. Especially at such a young age. 6 month tapers, twice, man I am so sorry:( You are right, giving up is not an option, so you have to fight through, man we are really being pushed right now....I wish you the very best:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Be...] Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 .... I was actually surprised at how inexpensive computer cameras have become. Skype is a wonderful tool, especially for someone in your situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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