I'm losing it guys. I just don't know how I can keep doing this.

[[...]]

I don't want to hurt anymore. Everything is just so wrong it doesn't seem possible for it to ever go back. My brain is too weak and screwed up to ever think correctly or clearly ever again and my body is to messed to ever not hurt in some way or be comfortable ever again. I don't know now I can keep taking this hoping for something that may not even be possible. My wife and parents are seeing me suffer and I can tell I'm hurting them so much. I feel like I've already suffered enough. If it was going to get better something would have to give by now. I feel like I can't do it. If I knew I'd get better and soon it might give me the stength to keep fighting but it constantly all seems it's for nothing. And perhaps even the longer I go on like the worse making things for myself. This torture is driving me crazy.

[[...]]

I've felt a little better just a few times but even them it wasn't enough to give me hope. It just seems like the pain had to take a rest a little but it will always be there mentally and physically. I'm fighting so hard but maybe this is something uncurable. Maybe something else is wrong with me. It seems possible to me even though all the symptoms could fall under withdrawal. It almost seems like any illness could fit in there though. I hurt every day so mug it causes me to be so fearful and scared and depressed and cry and cry. I've never been weak so there must be something making things so impossible for me. I don't think I can get better and I don't want to suffer or have people watch me suffer any longer.

[[li...]]

You do it one day at a time Coop. You will get better.  You are very early in the healing and once you except this and try to keep things as normal as you can the easier it will be.  Its very hard but well worth it in the end.  Exercise, diet and time.  Thats all we can do.    Linder

[[pa...]]

Coop - I know I have written you before.  I was JUST like you at 3 months off.  It was every horrible symptom imaginable and I was sure there was NO way it could change - or if so, it wouldn't be soon enough. I was sure it would be YEARS.  Coop - I am now only 2 months down the road from that time and I feel in many ways almost healed. I know - it sounds impossible.  I promise you - it does NOT last forever.  YOu are doing SO well. How you feel is normal for acute withdrawal and it is HARD.  You will survive it.  I promise. It cannot hurt you. 

 

I did go on Remeron because I could not eat or even hold down water and I couldn't sleep AT ALL. On the first day, I took 15mg midday and 15mg that night and slept 11 hours that same night. I took 15mg each night thereafter for 6 weeks and slept my way through the worst of acute withdrawal.  I tapered the Remeron easily.  Then - at 3 months, it got bad again, and this time I used only 11mg of Remeron and same thing.  Slept hard and slept through the next month.  Then tapered it down again - Last week was a bad wave. Now I get the EXACT same effect at 3mg (1/4 of the smallest pill). Sleeping 11 hours easily.  BEST OF ALL Remeron does not rev symptoms. IT is VERY sedating. It is often used for acute benzo w/d and in 5 days it greatly hid many of my worst symptoms and brought me out of deep deep depression.  As I sleep, GABA heals and things have gotten SO much better.

 

I know you are suffering. I am not trying to push anythign on you. But I was SO bad and needed something that I wasn't scared would make me worse. Remeron is successful for many people - Please write to cnotr, WiseWomanWithIssues, or Chinook.  Chinook got so bad he went into the hospital and came out on Remeron.

 

Here is a link to an article if you want to discuss with your doctor. I know how much people want to stay free of all meds, but this one has been a help to many and it acts FAST. I had relief of many symptoms by the next morning and miraculous relief of depression/anxiety in 5 days.  In the VERY acute phase, it only helped with sleep, but by 3 months, when I started it again, it also took away depression/anxiety completely.  I will never stop talking about this med for that reason.

:)Parker

 

Employing Mirtazipine (Remeron) to Aid in Benzodiazepine Withdrawal

http://smj.sma.org.sg/4906/4906cr8.pdf

[[ra...]]

Im right with you coop the only thing that keeps me fighting is my wife and my son if it wasn't for them I wouldn't still be here. Just think of your family. My 4year old son is sitting right next to me and he doesn't now the hell I'm going thru I was crying 2 hours ago like a child. Before he got home in order to keep going crying gives me relief for a few minutes I'm 35 in my adult prime my son is young he needs me

[[...]]

I just don't know if something like that could help me. I'm able to sleep and able to eat. My biggest concerns are my insides heating up all the time (body just never feeling right) and my head stuff like brain fog, derealization, difficulty thinking clearly, poor memory, nonstop worrying, head just feeling so wrong. I think these things are what causes the anxiety and depression so I just don't see how I could feel any different until those things go away.

 

And the fact that I don't have trouble sleeping or eating and that other symptoms seem so different to many others I read on here, it really makes me wonder of there is something else wrong with me that I won't get better from. I'm don't have any social anxiety or agorophobia, my brain is just to weak to do most things and it causes my body to be weak. That's why I'm so limited to do anything. It just doesn't feel like anxiety, more like a chemical imbalance making my body and brain feel and work wrong. Like some sort of damage to my nervous system.

[[St...]]

Have you been fully checked over by a doctor and had complete blood work done? If you have a clean bill of health then you can be rest assure it's all withdrawal. If it's withdrawal and your emotions are extreme your doctor might recommend an antidepressant or therapy. Some can benefit from an AD, but again, some haven't - we're all so chemically different.

 

In pushing through this, I found distraction helps. Sometimes the more you dwell on your symptoms the worse they get. Can you go for a walk of get any type of exercise in? Also, mind stimulating word games or simple games on the computer have been proven to help with cognition. Early on I played a lot of brain games and I saw improvement within about a week of continual use.

 

I hope this misery lifts for you soon coop, please take care.

 

Star

 

[[sm...]]

Coop- I can tell you, because I feel we are so similar, that there is nothing wrong with you.  You can go to a dr, but I'm sure they won't find anything.  I can sleep just fine, I can eat just fine (although that is not always the case), and I have all the things you mention.  There is damage done to our CNS, but its healing, there is no evidence it is permanent.  I used to get really hot like you and feel really naseaus, that was like the first month, but it passed, on its own.  Everyone is different with how long their symptoms last.  I would not recommend any drugs, that is what got us here.  Have you considered alternative therapy?  Things like Reiki, acupuncture, massage, anything to clear your head.  It is worth looking into, stay away from drugs at this point our systems are too sensitive to suddenly start something.  I don't know anything about Remeron, but I feel like you just need to let the body heal:)

[[...]]

I had blood work done. I had low vitamin d and normal low testosterone. I guess the depression of going thru this could cause that and maybe the testosterone is my hormone levels out of whack from this "chemical imbalance". I just don't see how they can test for damage to my nervous system if that somehow happened from quitting opiates or bad reaction to klonopin. I mean I got I'll right away a week after quitting opiates and starting klonopin. Thought is was opiate withdrawal, so kept taking klonopin for help, then almost died trying to quit klonoin after just a month. Had to taper for about 4 months and I've never had relief or felt normal since. I've had semi windows but I still don't know if that's a window from withdrawal or nerve damage or what. I walk as much as my weak body can and do mind games as much as my weak body can. Anything to distract but the mental and physical pains always take over and prevent me from dealing with this and it just tells me I'm going to suffer forever, it will never go away.

 

I see a therapist but I don't think it helps. I know it's chemicals or nerve/brain damage causing my body to feel these things. Not me fear or anxiety. I never felt this way until I started klonopin and quit hydrocodone. I really don't want to take anything ever again. My body is way too sensitive which I pray is why I've had it hard and it will get better soon. I've had headaches since encephalitis and they tried to treat them with antidepressant...I had a bad reaction to wellbutrin, lexapro, and effexor. Couldn't handle any of them. I pray this was the same with klonopin. Bad reaction and withdrawals at the same time only I was confused because of withdrawal from the opiate cold turkey.

 

I want to just let my body heal. I don't want anymore chemicals. Just so scared it may not be possible and not sure how long I can take this kind of torturous pain.

[[ve...]]

Hi Coop. If you're sleeping ok and eating fine, I agree that adding the a/d might not be adviseable but check with your doctor.  If as you get lower and you find you are not sleeping as well, I have heard of some who benefited from a very small dose of remeron, like 7.5 or 10mg which is for some not very much, but can be enough to take the edge off (at least I read of a couple of folks who did well with a small dose).  That being said, I have also read that one potential side effect is weight gain which may be good for some who are having trouble eating enough but it doesn't sound like that's your issue.  Overall, it seems your CNS is hyper sensitive right now.  It doesn't help that you already did one c/t and are possibly encountering some kindling with reinstatement and such, but hopefully you will start to feel better soon.  It may take some months though.

 

Vertigo

[[...]]

I'm actually 18 days off now. I know that's very early but I just feel like nothing has changed since the beginning of taking this and tapering and everything. Maybe just maybe I've had a few semi windows since getting off but I don't know. But for the most part I'm always bad and it feels like it's as bad as it's ever been during all this. I NEED the worse to stop being so awful to give me hope and strength.

 

And I don't definitely don't need to gain anymore weight. I was already a little heavy and I've gained so much going through withdrawal. I am bored and depressed and weak so I just want to eat all the time. I haven't been too great at static away from msg or sweets but I've never noticed them rev me up at the time and I don't think they prevent healing in any way.

[[...]]

Coop did you stop the klonopin on 2/29/12?  You are 18 days off? That is terrific!

The first two weeks for me were the worst.  Week by week, I have seen improvement on many levels.  I also stopped opiates last September. 

I am hoping you will try to be patient and keep doing what you are doing, on a day by day basis.  I too tried to analyze the hell out of how I felt every second of the day.  I decided that was not helping at all and decided to go with the activities that did provide me true distraction.  This has saved my sanity for sure!

Your body will heal, the chemical imbalance will improve, the body has a need to return to homeostasis.  It will not happen overnight.  You are doing the work and I admire you.

Skyy

[[...]]

Yes I quit on leap day. Thank you. I'm trying so hard to fight and believe. When it's easier I believe I'll heal. It doesn't last long enough though and the majority of the time it's completely unbearable, I'm crying nonstop, and I know I'll never get better. I pray so much for it to get easier so I can be strong and patient and not so weak brained and incapable of doing things. The world seems so small now and I feel limited to my mind and the pain and my apartment and I can't take this feeling.

[[St...]]

Coop you're still in acute withdrawal, it's said that the acute phase last from 5 to 28 days. Since you've stated that you're medically clear then it's just a matter of withdrawal effects.

 

Vertigo is right, you might ask your doctor about a very small amount of remeron if this gets unbearable. They gave that to me in the hospital when I detoxed to get through early acute withdrawal and I think it helped.. But soon after (about a week) it started making me really bitchy.. I was on a higher dose but I ended up quitting, but Initially it helped.

[[Dp...]]

Coop

 

18 days off is so so early, when i was at 18 days off i was in complete hell also. I spent the first 3 months of my withdrawal from 4mgs of K in bed unable to sleep with insane symptoms. You can find my early blog here, but i do not update it anymore. I am still struggling to this day at 21 months off, but i am so so so much better then i was in those early days. It took along time, but now I  honestly believe after experiencing this for so long that we do eventually heal.. You will to Coop you just got to stick with it!

 

Take care,

Dane

[[re...]]

Well Coop, it breaks my heart to see you suffering like this. But you know, since your very first post, back in December, you've been saying you're afraid you've done some permanent damage and you'll never heal. Now you're just over two weeks off clonazepam, and you're still saying you're afraid you'll never heal because you've got some permanent damage. But you have no problem sleeping, or eating. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

This fear you have, that you've got some permanent damage, is an obsession. It's an anxiety disorder. It's a withdrawal symptom.

 

There is no basis in fact for that belief.

 

Normal anxiety is caused by some thought, some belief, some experience. But this is not normal anxiety. This is benzo-withdrawal anxiety. It's not caused by any thought, any belief, any experience. It's caused purely by drug withdrawal. Still, it wants to be associated with some thought, and so it will rummage around your head until it finds some thought to latch on to, and then it will turn that thought into an obsession.

 

You feel afraid. You ask yourself why you're afraid. And you come up with this fear of permanent damage. But that is not really why you feel afraid. Really, you feel afraid because certain brain chemicals are producing a feeling of fear, and other brain chemicals aren't able, just now, to calm things down the way they used to do.

 

This fear you feel is not a fear of something. It is pure distilled fear itself. Don't believe it's being caused by any thought or belief. That's just the way we're used to dealing with normal feelings of fear. But when you're in benzo-withdrawal, you have to learn a new way. You have to think: I am not afraid because I'm having these thoughts. Rather, I am having these thoughts because I'm afraid. And the reason I'm afraid is because I'm coming off this drug.

 

Your thoughts aren't causing your fear. Your fear is causing your thoughts. And as you get your GABA back, the fear will fade, and you will have no need for these scary thoughts any more. Set your sights on the long term. Pick a date 6 months out and focus on that.

[[sm...]]

Coop- I had no idea you were so early in the process!  You are going to be just fine sillyhead:)  The first month was absolute hell for me, and here I am at month three and it is night and day.  Not to say its great, but omg once you get passed the first month or two you will be fine!!!!I know even in taper you suffer, but its the first month off that is brutal:)  You will start to see improvement hang in there:)

[[...]]

Coop I agree with Starbird, you are still in the acute phase.  I am sure many will confirm they felt, in varying degrees, the way you are feeling now.  I felt very similar, crying constantly in the beginning, just wanting to end it all.  I realize now that I was feeling things I had not felt in many years because of the blunting of the opiates and then the benzos on my CNS.  I was terrified of the depth of despair that I felt at that time.

 

What I want to share with you, it DOES get better.  Time will become your friend.  I know you feel that you will never get better today, but I promise you over the next several weeks and months, you will get better.

I will check in on you and pray you improve.  Don't give up, you have come too far....

[[...]]

Thank you all. I know you guys are right. I think I'm just going crazy and so impatient with all the pain and my mind being so weak. I want my old happy life back so bad and it makes me feel all the time that I'll never get there and I'm can't take that thought or feeling. I am afraid in ways I nber have been before. I pray it corrects itself soon. My brain and body really are too weak to do anything but have fear even when I say no, it still wins. I'll keep going though because even I have this doubt there is something in me telling me I will get better.

[[Bi...]]

Well Coop, it breaks my heart to see you suffering like this. But you know, since your very first post, back in December, you've been saying you're afraid you've done some permanent damage and you'll never heal. Now you're just over two weeks off clonazepam, and you're still saying you're afraid you'll never heal because you've got some permanent damage. But you have no problem sleeping, or eating. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

This fear you have, that you've got some permanent damage, is an obsession. It's an anxiety disorder. It's a withdrawal symptom.

 

There is no basis in fact for that belief.

 

Normal anxiety is caused by some thought, some belief, some experience. But this is not normal anxiety. This is benzo-withdrawal anxiety. It's not caused by any thought, any belief, any experience. It's caused purely by drug withdrawal. Still, it wants to be associated with some thought, and so it will rummage around your head until it finds some thought to latch on to, and then it will turn that thought into an obsession.

 

You feel afraid. You ask yourself why you're afraid. And you come up with this fear of permanent damage. But that is not really why you feel afraid. Really, you feel afraid because certain brain chemicals are producing a feeling of fear, and other brain chemicals aren't able, just now, to calm things down the way they used to do.

 

This fear you feel is not a fear of something. It is pure distilled fear itself. Don't believe it's being caused by any thought or belief. That's just the way we're used to dealing with normal feelings of fear. But when you're in benzo-withdrawal, you have to learn a new way. You have to think: I am not afraid because I'm having these thoughts. Rather, I am having these thoughts because I'm afraid. And the reason I'm afraid is because I'm coming off this drug.

 

Your thoughts aren't causing your fear. Your fear is causing your thoughts. And as you get your GABA back, the fear will fade, and you will have no need for these scary thoughts any more. Set your sights on the long term. Pick a date 6 months out and focus on that.

 

I agree with every bit of this.

 

Also to add, the obsessive thinking, I have. I know, the withdrawal tends to get us by throwing these obsessive things and thoughts at us, and there is no reason to believe it. I need to tell that to myself. I have had the most random obsessions ever since coming off this stuff.

 

I hope you get well soon, you wasn't on that long, so you will probably heal pretty quick. It's so individual.

 

Billy.

[[...]]

I wish all these head symptoms fog, derealization, impaired thinking would go away. I feel like then I'd be able to cope and be strong but when you're brain is so weak, how can I? I can't be strong willed with a weak brain. I feel like I could then tell that unexplainable fear to shut up and not the feelings in my body are chemicals working themselves out. The brain fog and feeling so dazed and out of it and stupid just keeps me from thinking the way I want or need to. That's truly scary. When did that clear up for you and did it help you cope?

[[ja...]]

Coop so sorry...

 

I know how bad  your hurting! This w/d is a monster. I will never forget what kind of strength it took to fight through every second of every day . You need to dig so deep and find that strength coop.You can do this. This is so hard this w/d but its Beatable. You have to know this can be Won. You have to keep your self in fight mode .Tell your self this is All W/D.Its not going to hurt me although it Hurts so much. Your brain will get back to complete normal again. It does take so long but you will get very good Breaks and Windows that will help restore your strength! You need to know we suffer in this w/d .But the suffering Ends.Then the Beautiful Peace comes.Hang on coop

 

Try and stay away from anything that may compromise your healing ...So it doesnt confuse you as to whats this w/d and what can be something else.

 

~Jenny

[[GH...]]

Coop, you just have to survive this. It takes time. Time. Time, and more time.

[[re...]]

Coop, when you're overwhelmed by those feelings, you do just what you're doing now. You come online here, and we talk about it. And it helps, doesn't it? It always helps me when I'm feeling like crap.

 

I've been off klonopin a bit over three months. It's been up and down. I've had the anxiety, and the depression, and the obsessive thoughts. Then I've also had a lot of good, easy time too. I go up and down every day.

 

I wish to God I could sleep better. But that's coming. Slowly. But it's happening.

 

I didn't expect to still be dealing with this three months out. But I knew it was possible. I'm disappointed, but not surprised. So, like I said, focus on the long term. That's what I try to do. I'm not there yet. But I'll be there by June, or September, or certainly by Christmas. I'm going to have a great Christmas this year, for the first time in four years. And so will you. Start planning it now. Focus on that. Visualize how it's going to be, once you get through this rough patch. Think about it as much as you can. What will it be like when you're well again, with all your family and friends, at Christmas time? It's going to be great. I'm hanging my hopes on a Christmas tree.

[[sm...]]

Coop- I think you were asking me?? Well, I had help along the way with the acupuncture.....so each week I was seeing SOME kind of change, even if it were minuscule.  But overall I would say the brain fog is just the little bugger that won't give up.  The dr started going away by week 6, but the dp is still there, NOT even close to what it used to be.  Brain fog just started clearing up this week, I mean I would notice it lifting in tiny increments week by week, then get slammed with a bad wave for like a night and then the next morning it would clear a little.  I highly recommend looking into acupuncture, it is made for healing nerves...may be brutal at first, but worth it.  I think thats why I am doing so well right now.  So here I am in month three and it is soooo much better than month one.  Month two was hard too, but thats when I noticed the dr letting up.  Therapy is kind of silly at this point, unless they are there to help you through wd.  This is a physical thing going on here, something we can not control.  Even when we try to use our minds, we can't!!! Ghostship is right, you just have to survive it.  Wake up everyday, feed yourself, get LOTS of water, and keep walking like you are.  How much water do you drink? So think of it in terms of months, like compared to last month how have I improved....Like everyone here, you will see improvement month to month, it is just slow going. My acupuncturist used to say, gage it by week to week, but I think month to month.  The windows will start to become more frequent and better as TIME goes on.  What a crappy think right.