Feel like I cannot possibly go on

[[Kl...]]

I am in agony from severe, intense anxiety/panic.  I am regressing several times a day to that of a child due to the severe trauma.  I cannot be alone.  I ended up at a psych ward for 2 day for the severe anxiety which was an interesting experience, but not comforting at all.  Of course, my pdoc said that it was not w/d. My pdoc is very, very supportive of my w/d.  I have Vistaril which gives me some relief.  I am not a drinker but want to drink to relieve the pain - but have not. I just want the pain to end.I don't know where to turn or what to do. I have severe ruminating thoughts that say I will die if I continue like this and I will die if I reinstate.     

 

I feel like I am in a fight for my life and I am scared that I cannot continue I don't know what to do. I frequently wish that I had never started this. I am scared to reinstate and I am scared to continue on like this. I feel like I have done this to myself and am scared that my life is over.  Please help.  :'( :'( :'(Klonkers   

[[Ti...]]

Have no advice but just sending you a big hug! Stay strong...I know easier said than done. 

[[pi...]]

Dear Klonker,

 

Oh my I am so sorry things have been so rough for you. You are indeed in the throws of acute withdrawal. I was where you are and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I asked my husband to take a week off when I was where you are, I just could not be alone. Once he wanted to go to the store and I would not let go of his hand. I had so much physical and mental pain I also just wanted something to take it all away. I had little guideance but a voice inside me told me to keep holding on.

 

I don't have any great advice for you except to tell you that so many of us have been just where you are.  All I can say is that it will get better and the fear and pain and anxiety will slowly start to fade away. What you feel is that terrible benzo holding on to your mind and body, he is greedy and does not want to let go.  You are stronger than him though and will survive.

 

Don't believe for one second that you did this to yourself. This is not your fault!!!!! You have made a choice for health and you will have that health. My heart is with you and so are all the hearts of your buddies here. You mean so much to us and to this world, just hold tight to our hands and our thoughts.

 

Love and Hugs,

 

pianogirl   

[[pa...]]

Klonkers- I was RIGHT where you are - just a few months ago.  First of all, it DOES get better. It DOES go away. Mind you, at 5 1/2 months off, I have other symptoms, but that acute anxiety GOES AWAY.

 

One thing that REALLY helped me, and still does (I have been on and off of it and now I take a tiny dose) is Remeron (mirtazipine).  It IS a psych med, but a pretty benign one at a low dose.  It is taken at night because it is NOT revving at all - it is VERY sedating.  It is an a/d but at low doses it is used for insomnia and to help with terrible appetite.  I had both extrememly bad.  Interestingly, at only 4-5 days of this med, I experienced a great relief in depression and anxiety as well.  And I slept a LOT which helped pass the time.  I used the full 15mg pill ( the lowest dose they make and often prescribed simply for insomnia) for the first 6 weeks. Then, I easily tapered it in 2 weeks.  At 3 months off, I was really bad, so I started it again but found I only needed 7.5mg to make a big difference.  Again, I tapered off a month ago.  I felt anxiety coming on again, so I started and have stayed at 3mg (1/4 of a pill) and that is now plenty of relief and I still sleep 11hours on this small dose. That shows GABA healign occured since I need so little of it for the same effect.

 

Klonkers- if you HAVE to take something, this was an option for me. It was given to me by the pdoc and it has been fairly easy to taper if done slowly.  It will not interfere with GABA healing in any way and in fact, I think the relief I experience on it has been the reason I am making it thru. There is nothing else I can take to help me with the very worst symptoms, so as much as I don't like another med, I can see my use of it has dwindled and I know from my experience with it that I've been able to get off of it several times - so I am now relieved that this low amount is "okay".

 

There is no exact science to benzo recovery. You ARE in recovery now.  YOU get a choice in this.  We cannot heal our GABA receptors any faster than they will choose to heal, but Remeron is one thing to look into.  I only "push" this because you mentioned that you don't want to reinstate and that you considered drinking - both of which will definitely not help you heal. But Remeron would be a SAFE thing to try that will NOT impede your healing. 

 

I'll post an article here on it if you would like to discuss with your doctor.  It's the only reason I'm making it.

I can't get the link to copy, but if you google "employing mirtazapine to aid benzodiazepine withdrawal" and pick the top choice, which is a pdf file, you will get the full document which you could use to discuss with your doctor if you like.

 

Either way, Klonkers, this will pass. The GABA receptors are going to heal. It's going to happen. I was SO bad. SO bad. And I'm so much further along. I want to be healed yesterday, but I'm not dying anymore.  It's just a matter of waiting. I have scoured every part of the Internet and success stories.  Time, it seems is the only healer. But just know that you will NOT be feeling what you are feeling right now in a few months.  It will change.  If you HAVE to have relief, please look to other non-benzo, non-alcohol options. I DO UNDERSTAND how you feel.  WE ALL DO.  You did everything right. Now you just have to put time between you and this mess and it will start to work out.

 

We love you,

:)Parker

[[re...]]

Klonkers I am so sorry it is so rough for you right now. You are in wd and nothing more. I know it is awful. I had it too where you are, and I went to a hospital in ariz to ride it out. It helped a lot just to be around people.

 

You will heal. In time. The panic and the anxiety will get better.  You did not do this to yourself, the drug damaged your GABA receptors. You do not need to reinstate, this is not the new or the old you it is the you in wd. You will not die from this.

 

I am lifting you up in prayer. Hope you turn a corner soon.

Sending my love. Put it in your pocket and carry it with you.

[[Mi...]]

Hi Klonkers,

 

I am so sorry your are suffering like this.  Like Tina, I don't have any specific advice.  Just offering you an encouraging hand from someone who has been where you are and is now through the worst of it.  Stay strong!  You will get through this.  Reinstating or alcohol is not an your friend!  The only way out is through withdrawal and recovery and letting time pass.  Your brain and CHS will heal.  You will get your life back!  I am invoking karma, lighting candles, sending out prayers, calling in all the markers for your healing.  Hugs.

 

MiniMinnie

[[el...]]

Hi Klonkers -

 

The workers in psych wards don’t seem to believe that benzo w/d lasts more than 48 hours. (That’s what my pdoc told me during my 3-week stay - maybe the three worst weeks of my life.)

 

You have had a great attitude all the way through this so far. I have marveled at it really.  You are making it, and you will make it the rest of the way. The bottom fell out for me at one month into w/d. I know it is so very brutal when our brains seem to turn on us and tell us things that are flat out lies.

 

Anyway, I insulted my brain for many years with booze and benzos, and I am on the mend big time. You will do it too. You are not going to die even though that is what part of your brain is telling you. Part of my brain was telling me it would be better to just die (and even prayed for it to be so), but the other part knew better. That’s the part that won. It knew that healing was just a matter of time. 

 

It does get a whole lot better. You will be amazed. For now, just keep hanging on. That’s all that is necessary - survival. Praying for you.

 

eli

[[sh...]]

I think we all can relate to your pain and misery- so many times I feel like I can't go on, but don't give in to this evil drug! I know it is hard to weather this storm I don't know how I do it sometimes- rely on your friends and people who understand what you are going through. You are climbing a steep hill and want to quit but the summit is there- no matter if you can't see it. look back on the mile markers you have made- be proud you are strong, just take a break catch your breath, find distractions. I wish I could really help- wish I could just fix everyone so that there wasn't anymore pain and fear. Hang in there- a lot of people are rooting for you!

[[Kl...]]

Klonkers- I was RIGHT where you are - just a few months ago.  First of all, it DOES get better. It DOES go away. Mind you, at 5 1/2 months off, I have other symptoms, but that acute anxiety GOES AWAY.

 

One thing that REALLY helped me, and still does (I have been on and off of it and now I take a tiny dose) is Remeron (mirtazipine).  It IS a psych med, but a pretty benign one at a low dose.  It is taken at night because it is NOT revving at all - it is VERY sedating.  It is an a/d but at low doses it is used for insomnia and to help with terrible appetite.  I had both extrememly bad.  Interestingly, at only 4-5 days of this med, I experienced a great relief in depression and anxiety as well.  And I slept a LOT which helped pass the time.  I used the full 15mg pill ( the lowest dose they make and often prescribed simply for insomnia) for the first 6 weeks. Then, I easily tapered it in 2 weeks.  At 3 months off, I was really bad, so I started it again but found I only needed 7.5mg to make a big difference.  Again, I tapered off a month ago.  I felt anxiety coming on again, so I started and have stayed at 3mg (1/4 of a pill) and that is now plenty of relief and I still sleep 11hours on this small dose. That shows GABA healign occured since I need so little of it for the same effect.

 

Klonkers- if you HAVE to take something, this was an option for me. It was given to me by the pdoc and it has been fairly easy to taper if done slowly.  It will not interfere with GABA healing in any way and in fact, I think the relief I experience on it has been the reason I am making it thru. There is nothing else I can take to help me with the very worst symptoms, so as much as I don't like another med, I can see my use of it has dwindled and I know from my experience with it that I've been able to get off of it several times - so I am now relieved that this low amount is "okay".

 

There is no exact science to benzo recovery. You ARE in recovery now.  YOU get a choice in this.  We cannot heal our GABA receptors any faster than they will choose to heal, but Remeron is one thing to look into.  I only "push" this because you mentioned that you don't want to reinstate and that you considered drinking - both of which will definitely not help you heal. But Remeron would be a SAFE thing to try that will NOT impede your healing. 

 

I'll post an article here on it if you would like to discuss with your doctor.  It's the only reason I'm making it.

I can't get the link to copy, but if you google "employing mirtazapine to aid benzodiazepine withdrawal" and pick the top choice, which is a pdf file, you will get the full document which you could use to discuss with your doctor if you like.

 

Either way, Klonkers, this will pass. The GABA receptors are going to heal. It's going to happen. I was SO bad. SO bad. And I'm so much further along. I want to be healed yesterday, but I'm not dying anymore.  It's just a matter of waiting. I have scoured every part of the Internet and success stories.  Time, it seems is the only healer. But just know that you will NOT be feeling what you are feeling right now in a few months.  It will change.  If you HAVE to have relief, please look to other non-benzo, non-alcohol options. I DO UNDERSTAND how you feel.  WE ALL DO.  You did everything right. Now you just have to put time between you and this mess and it will start to work out.

 

We love you,

:)Parker

 

Hi Parker,

 

Thank you for responding and your words of encouragement.  I am on Remeron and have been since a day or two after I jumped.  I am taking a bit more than 7.5 mg.  I can only sleep about 2-4 hours so it is not helping in the sleep dept, but I don't dare taper off of it at this point for fear of making any changes. 

 

I am going to try staying in bed and watching tv.  I have been way TOO active and I think the stress is compounding my symptoms.  I need to hunker down and dig deep.  Love, Klonkers

[[...]]

Klonkers,

 

A few months ago, I felt just as you are now feeling.  I had constant thoughts of dying, and a fear of being alone.

 

Your life is not over; when you are healed from the agony that the benzos have brought upon you, your life will once again become all that it is meant to be.

 

I thought I was destined to a life of pain, and agony.  The benzos were telling me this, and I believed it, and my anxiety level would go off the charts. I would pace, and pace around the room in total despair.

 

It took fifteen months for all my symptoms to disappear, but they have, and now I feel as though a Benzodiazepine had never entered my body.  We all will heal at some point in time.

 

I wish I had the magic formula, or the right words to make all this go away for you.  You are so supportive, and kind to others.  I  hope that you can catch a break, and get some relief.  You so deserve it.

 

the best to you

 

pj

 

[[Ho...]]

Klonkers, I feel exactly the same way. I am in the fight of my life as well. I wish I could offer you advice, but seeing as today is not a good day the most I can do is try to let you know you're not alone. You'll be in my thoughts

 

Holly

[[ba...]]

I was where you  are two months ago and you sent me a pm saying  it will pass which it has for the most part you will get

better ,I guarantee  bando

[[Ra...]]

Dear Klonkers,  So sad to see you like this.  Those of use that have been on here for a while know what a truly wonderful person you are and these posts do not resembe the Klonkers I know from 3 month ago.  You are not alone, and can always reach out to the forum or PM me whever you like, and we will support you.  Respectfully, are you considering regular therapy; I think it might be time; and I start mine this week.  I realize there are other issues, but in times of dispair such as what we are dealing with, therapy might not be a bad idea.  Please consider.  Your Friend -Rad

[[Bi...]]

Hi there Klonkers,

 

I know how you feel. I just lay up here in the bed 85% of the time as of now. There is nothing I can do but battle this out, and that's a job, itself.

 

Hang in there, Billy.

[[...]]

Hang in there, Klonkers.  You're healing.

 

 

mmgc

 

http://www.picgifs.com/graphics/h/hugs/graphics-hugs-510781.jpg

 

 

[[sh...]]

Oh, Klonkers! You're life is definitely not over. This process is tiring, strips us of who we are and leaves us in a ragged, emotional state to were we feel like nothing will ever get better. It's understandable why we feel it is the end but, your life is no where near over. In fact, it's just beginning.

 

It took me a long time to realize what a gift I was given when I got off benzos. Life is suppose to be shared, cherished and honored. I never really grasped these things before taking benzos and, I sure didn't understand them while taking the medication. Now, when I feel good, I'm opened up to a whole new perspective.

 

Do you know what I did today? I took a short run with my best friend and then ran some extra time by myself. After, my best friend and I road to a field opening and watched the sun go down. I'm a little revved up from all the exercise but, everything I'm feeling now was worth the joy I felt being able to run. The sunset was an added bonus. Life is truly amazing and, I believe you will see that once this is over.

 

If you've gotten any windows, try to remember them. They are glimpses of how we really are when we're no longer tricked by withdrawal.

 

You feel better, kay? You're gonna make it 

[[So...]]

I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone else is telling you.  You are healing right now...but it can be a long, horrible process...and the only way out is THROUGH. Time, time, time...the 4-letter word...but it is what heals you in the end.  I have been where you are, and now at 8 1/2 months off, I am finally seeing the light.  Everyone is different, but most of us agree that TIME is what heals.  That, and taking care of yourself, and BELIEVING in the journey - the journey of your lifetime!  You WILL come out the other side with a sense of wholeness and renewed passion for life!  Hang in there!  Sophia

[[Kl...]]

To my BB Family,

 

I actually hesitated posting this in the wee hours of the morning, but I really needed support and a connection to those who understand.  The reason why I hesitated is because my rational mind informed me that I was highly anxious and panicked and I did not want to instill any fear in those coming up behind me. However, I am very glad that I did post this because I got a lot of love and support that really helped me in a time of great need.

 

I would like to reassure those who are coming up behind me, that although the tone of my post was very desperate sounding, I was completely safe and no animals were harmed in the making of this film!   The "chemical storm" was merely an extreme state of anxiety - nothing more.  So much of our head symptoms are caused by anxiety.

 

I thank everyone for standing beside me in my moment of need and giving me the support and encouragement that I so desperately needed.  Much love to all, Klonkers

[[re...]]

Klonkers

by reaching out for help you allow those behind you and in front of you to reach out too! You mirror to us that is is ok to be scared and overwhelmed and to ask for help. Most of us are scare and overwhelmed at some point in this hard journey. Thank you for being honest about your feelings and  for allowing us to share our love with you.

 

You are healing. You will be ok. It may be a rough road but we are all walking beside you. You are not alone.

 

Much Love

RFB

[[jr...]]

Dear Kl, I am so sorry you are feeling so lost, but I am right there with you.  My anxiety is overwhelming most of the time.  Do you remember the conversations we had a few months back about Lifetime movies (with Cherryblossom)?  I remember that you enjoyed the fun we were having.  Maybe you can find that somewhere on your blog (I think it was on your blog), or maybe you could even indulge in one of the terribly sappy, recycled actor/wardrobe movies on LMN.  I hope this lets up for you soon.  Love,  Jenn

[[mu...]]

I'll say what people told me when I was like this.. reinstating won't help anything long term, the withdrawals and anxiety get worse the next time you try and come off benzos and probably last even longer.  Don't delay your healing, for me, I noticed a significant improvement on my overall anxiety about three months off benzos.  Now when the anxiety attacks hit, I'm able to work through them where they last only up to an hour or two at most, then i get through to other side and suddenly I'm ok again.  The best thing for me was to stop freaking out over my anxiety, it helped make it pass more quickly and it wasn't as intensified.  It does get better.  Remember to be gentle on yourself.