As I heal my anxiety is resurfacing

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Right now I am about 2.5 months off clonazepam, and all of my old issues are popping up, on top of w/d.  I have lost everything because of my anxiety and depression, and now have not been able to get on with things because of the w/d.  Normally I could push through the anxiety, but this is just over the top. I lost my job, my apartment, and my daughter.  My parents have had it with me, and I am wondering if I will ever function normally again.  I am starting to lose hope I guess.......Even in times where I can be positive, I remember all of my old issues that held me back from living.  It is scary to think that my anxiety was bad enough without even taking a benzo to tear my life apart.  I am so sad, and miss my child, and I am wondering if I will ever get to see her again.

[[jr...]]

Dear Sarah,

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling so lost right now.  Everything will get better for you.  I guess that is just what we have to hang on to...time will heal us.  Is there any other choice for a living situation for you?  Do you have any friends or other family members you could move in with?  Have your parents read any of the literature about benzodiazepine withdrawal?  Maybe you could get one of them to read some of the threads on this forum that apply to what you are going through right now.  I have only one person in my life who has shown any real interest in what I am going through, so I know what it's like to have nobody who understands.

 

I'm here for you if you need to talk.

 

Love,

 

Jenn

[[sm...]]

Jenn-

Thanks for the support...I tried sending my mom info on it and she absolutely flipped out on me yelling at me telling me I being a professional victim and need to get a grip that there is no way I am going through w/d.  I can not move at this point, my heart just can not take it, and it might put me in a tail spin.  Unfortunately I have to stick this out.  I am devastated, if you could have seen me five years ago I was on top of the world, and then I fell hard.  Its like now what?? I am only 27, and I feel like my life is already over.  Like what happened to me??

[Guest [de...]]

forget trying to get friends/family members to understand. Only someone who has gone through it can fathom what you are feeling. If you were in top shape 5 years ago you will return to that baseline. Young people heal faster. You just need to suffer a few more months. Just remind yourself that you will heal. Everybody does.

 

I actually warn my wife when I do a dose sub from K to V. I tell her "on tuesday and wednesday I may be a bit shaky irritable" etc. When those days come I  hear "whats wrong...while are you acting like a jerk" All I want is to be left alone for a day or 2 when I am feeling symptoms. No such luck. Lower your expecations with regards to loved ones understanding. Some people are lucky and have highly understanding loved ones, but for alot of us, our parents, spouses, children are as good as strangers when it comes to support. In the long run this will makes us stronger and more independant ( or more insecure, lonely and distrustful). Hopefull the former.

 

 

Edit profanity

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Deerslayer- Thanks for the support.  I'm sorry your support isn't so great either.  I have my mom putting pressure and guilt on me like she has my whole life making my nerves go out of control making this process so much harder and slower probably.  Maybe a skill I need to learn is blocking her out completely.  I hope it makes me stronger and more independent, it kind of forces you to be your own best friend.  Thanks again

[Guest [de...]]

You are 27. You can't be as emotionally dependant on mom like you were when you where younger. And she is certainly no great source of wisdom with this benzo stuff.

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No, I am not, but she is all I have right now.  I am recently divorced, so I am feeling more and more alone.....so that is why I need my family right now, otherwise I can't stand being around them, except for my brother, he is great, he just doesn't understand that I am still in w/d.

[[GH...]]

sarah, I was very anxious for months after stopping. I have improved to a reasonable state. I have been treated for anxiety for 15 years.  At 16 months off i still am not back to normal, but i am greatly improved. What I am saying is that the severe anxiety is part of wd.

 

What your normal self is I dont know. I have no idea what my normal self will be either. I do know that I feel a lot better as a whole then when I was taking all those pills.

 

Sometimes life just runs over us. I was in very bad shape for 10 years. Imagine that, 10 years of my life is just gone. You are on a path to healing, but it takes time. I felt so much guilt that I could not work or do all the nomal things of life for many years.

 

i have lost friends and family during my time taking benzos. the wd is just another period of time that I dont have them. Now I know that I will get them back after I heal. My mom can not deal with her son being disabled. I was always very independant and doing my own thing. I isolated myself from people because they could not deal with my condition. It is amazing how many people cant deal with an imperfect person. The shinny side is that they will come back to me and you. Mom will be there, if not now, then eventually. families can heal. You may be surprised at how you family will be so happy when you are " better". Then it will be on you to forgive them. Forgive that they were so cruel and did not care to understand what was happening.

 

If my anxiety recurs and is debilitating, I will still be alive, I will adjust my life to accommodate my condition. I am so freeking happy to be free of those pills, I just can tell you how happy i am.

 

You will heal, I know you will, the other BB know you will heal too.

 

good healing, fair winds

 

 

 

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Ghostship-

Thank you.  I guess I was so bad off before the klonopin, that I am starting to get confused with what is me and what is the w/d.  There are definite things that I KNOW are not me, but some that I'm like wait I have felt this before.  But now, it seems my life is much worse.  I have lost 5 years of my life.....but only the past 6 months to benzos.  My mother can not handle that I am disabled right now either, or that I have been for a while.  Stress and anxiety can produce some of the same things klonopin can, which is scary to think we can damage our brains and nerves from stress.  I know I did.  My life has been very difficult though for a long time, add all that up, and I am lucky to still be here. I will have to do a lot of forgiving, because my family has sucked total ass in this whole process, with the exception of my brother.  I am so happy to be off of that crap, but sad that I ever took it too.

[[GH...]]

My forties are gone. I can never get them back. When I hit 50, i was determined to either die or get off the medications.

 

If it was not for my wife...well I am off the meds.... For me, every day is a gift. That may sound dramatic, but who cares!

 

I am free!!!

[[Bi...]]

Smuel,

 

How do you know it is Natural Anxiety or Anxiety from the w/d? It could be very well anxiety from the withdrawal, yes?

 

Billy.

[[Me...]]

I totally understand.  I'm 26 and the past 5 years have been.....i don't even know how to discribe it.  I know FOR ME that there are other problems underlining my anxiety and depression than just the benzo's.  Though the benzo's have been absolutly horrible and almost killed me, literally, twice, there are things from my past i need to deal with along with my alcoholism. 

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Billy- I definitely know that most of the extreme anxiety is from the w/d, I don't usually get that worked up over anything unless I am put in a super stressful situation.  But you know how everyone talks about the cog fog, and poor concentration?  Well, I used to think it was just my blood sugar, but now I can see I had some of these symptoms before the benzo.  Then I start to take a look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am for the first time in a long time.  I was not ok before the benzo, but now I am worse.  I know that even when I do recover from this, there is a lot to face and it is not going to be pretty.

[[GH...]]

This is good that we are speaking about our "problems".

 

I see everyone so focused on the benzos as their problems, when there is a reason that people were taking them to begin with. I think that sometimes people think that getting off will solve all the problems.

 

I see people that sort of, kinda, mention on the side, allude to, many other medications and problems or diagnoses. I mean, Really? Of course all this makes wd different for each of us. I see people that have such a long way to go, i feel so bad for them. They are getting off benzos, then off ad, then off sleepers, then off cigs, then off booze...

 

I was taking pain meds for 10 years for severe back pain. I took benzos for anxiety even before I was injured. After I was disabled by the back pain, the anxiety became even worse. Now I am have little pain and some anxiety. My life is pretty simple right now. I fear going back to work, as that caused the worst anxiety.

 

The reason that we were prescribed all these drugs need to be addressed. That is all. i have no solution yet.

 

good healing, fair winds

 

 

 

 

[[Bi...]]

Billy- I definitely know that most of the extreme anxiety is from the w/d, I don't usually get that worked up over anything unless I am put in a super stressful situation.  But you know how everyone talks about the cog fog, and poor concentration?  Well, I used to think it was just my blood sugar, but now I can see I had some of these symptoms before the benzo.  Then I start to take a look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am for the first time in a long time.  I was not ok before the benzo, but now I am worse.  I know that even when I do recover from this, there is a lot to face and it is not going to be pretty.

 

smuel,

 

Well, one step at a time. You will get there. Oh, I have my own issues, too. I'm not out of the forest, yet, by far. You just have to take it one step at a time, and work your way up, and by the end of it.. you will find achievement. I have never heard of anyone starting from the top.. lol, have to start from the bottom, and work our way up.

The family issues, well.. I have my fair share, too and they have been unresolved for years. They will never be resolved. I understand what you're saying. Also, I have a mental illness, and I have struggled with it for a long time. I have found ways to cope, but when I get in that fight or flight response, that's when I can't focus.

Is anxiety your only problem, or do you have depression?

I like your pic BTW, you look very happy.

 

Billy.

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Billy-

I do not believe that anxiety exists alone, I believe where there is anxiety, there is depression, and where there is depression, there is anxiety. I have struggled with it for about 7 years.  And before that I can remember being 7 or 8 and having a panic attack, I did not know what it was obviously I was just a little girl, but its always been there.  I had a lot of trauma growing up.  What is your mental illness??Thank you, I posted that picture as a reminder of the real me, that was my college graduation and the last time I can remember feeling happy.

[[Ch...]]

I wasn't ok before the benzos either.  I was in an extremely stressful situation when I was in college.  After self medicating predominantly with alcohol, I stumbled my way into a psychiatrist's office.  There are a lot of things I have to answer for as well when I am recovered.  Many of which only became problems as a direct result of coming off this medication.  I've lost my job and my reputation in my field, someone I really cared about, most of my friends, my finances, my trust in people, and my confidence.  Add to this that I'm not really sure what I will be like when I have recovered.  I look in the mirror and struggle to define what I see.  There are times when I regret doing this.  Sometimes I feel as if the things I lost were worth more then being benzo free. 

 

The reality is that you, like me, are doing something profoundly important for your health.  And in doing the right thing, we are suffering from the effects these pills had on our bodies.  People usually start this type of medication when they are in a situations like ours.  Here we are coming off of them.  Give yourself the credit you deserve for choosing to face your life without them.  Once you are recovered, you may find that you are in much better health then you expected and these problems are not as insurmountable as they appear now.  You have a lot of life ahead of you so try and make peace with what's already happened.  I think you are handling your situation very well and this makes me believe you will handle whatever is awaiting you the same way.

 

[[Bi...]]

Billy-

I do not believe that anxiety exists alone, I believe where there is anxiety, there is depression, and where there is depression, there is anxiety. I have struggled with it for about 7 years.  And before that I can remember being 7 or 8 and having a panic attack, I did not know what it was obviously I was just a little girl, but its always been there.  I had a lot of trauma growing up.  What is your mental illness??Thank you, I posted that picture as a reminder of the real me, that was my college graduation and the last time I can remember feeling happy.

 

I had a lot of trauma growing up, too. It was not fun. This started when I was twelve years old, and went on for years! It obviously landed me upon the pills. I think you will be fine after all this is said and done. Christopher XII makes a good point, too. You have plenty of life left to go.

I am Schizo-Effective, It started out as PTSD, I was just a kid! My father is Schizophrenic, and it runs in my family. I'm not all crazy and flipped out, but I have to find ways to cope. It is not easy at all. I cannot explain in detail what this is like to live with at times.

Was you on any other medications before? How long on the Klonopin?

 

Billy.

And yes, you will be happy again.

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I have ptsd too.  Can I ask what some of your symptoms of "schizo-effective" are?  Do you have to take medication for it? I sometimes wonder about myself whether there is more than anxiety going on just because I was so traumatized.  Anxiety runs in our family, no mental illness, but again sometimes this feels like more than anxiety.  Well, ever since the whole benzo experience I do feel full on crazy.  I was taking lamictal at the same time as klonopin, I had a stupid dr tell me I was bi-polar, I am like I think I would have noticed that.  But I listened to him anyways, and of course just kept getting worse and worse, which is a big red flag that I am not bi polar.  I am a single mom, who just got divorced, I am stressed beyond belief along with childhood trauma coming up.  Thanks Billy:)

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Christopher- "Change can happen with a single sting of a bee, or the loss of everything we possess."  I think of this often in this process.  God strips us down to the bone so he can build us back up to be so much better.  Your life, your health, your well being is worth TEN TIMES any job, person.  The fact that you love yourself enough to get off this crap and fight for your life is wonderful, life is not always fair, but don't think for a second that life would have been better off being on this stuff.  You are now on a path to getting your life and health back WAHOO! Thank you Chris for your kind words:)

[[GH...]]

You see, we are all bad machines, lol. I too had a pretty bad childhood. Can you imagine that even now, when I go "home" people tell me how bad i had it as a kid. Weird.

 

Anxiety has been with me as long as i can remember. I know  that the medical community regards depression and anxiety as part of the same "disease". I am not so sure. Excpept for when i was on pain pills, I was pretty happy. I had bad anxiety, but was not depressed, mostly.  Losing jobs and having trouble functioning caused me to feel depressed sometimes. I did not think that i was organically depressed. But then who knows.

 

I wonder what will happen when i finally heal. I will need to return to work, if i want to stay married, lol. I know that I still have anxiety, and always will. At the age of 50, i know that I am not going to change that much. I just will find a lifestyle that I can deal with, what ever that is. I really dont care if i have to work at a minimal job, and let all those degress go to waste. All i want to do is live. It is about life now, not all that social pressure.

 

I accept that I will never be that person that I could have been.

 

gh, fw

[[Bi...]]

I have an array of symptoms. I have had anxiety, depression, d/r, d/p , mostly d/r. Obsessive thinking, I use to get delusions, flashbacks, when I was younger in school, I would freeze up. I have been to two Psych. Hospitals, which one at sixteen years old, the other at twenty- three years old. It didn't do me any good, as they just gave me medications. One hospital had me on this: Klonopin 1mg, Ativan 2mg, Xanax .25mg at night. Ambien 10mg, Trazedone, Zyprexa, Lithium. The list could keep going, all the medications they had me on. It was alarming! I would do things that were not normal . I would write things down, I would obsess over things with numbers in it. This is hard to explain. Checkbooks, clocks, dates, or anything with a number that was tied to it. I started counting the steps I took, write numbers backwards, do Calculus over and over.. until I could find different ways of expressing it. I also would get real euphoric, but it was over nothing, looking back at it. Euphoria, depressed, euphoric, depressed. When I froze up, I cannot tell you what happened. It was like an extreme state of anxiety, as in just sit and look at the wall. It was just things of that nature.

 

What are your sx's?

I have more that went on with the SZ, but I will not name it all here.

 

Billy.

 

PS- I wonder how much of it was the medicine, and how much of it was me?

[[br...]]

Ghost,

 

Amazing responses. Thanks for providing us all with inspiration.

 

 

[[GH...]]

Thank you. I dont feel very amazing or inspirational. I am glad that you felt it though. I am just sailing thru the fog.

 

gh, fw

[[sm...]]

Billy- Before I took the klonopin, I had anxiety, depression, and severe vertigo, and sometimes would disassociate as well.  I usually obsess over things anyways, obsessive scary thoughts, but that is all part of anxiety.  Then after I stopped the klonopin, the symptoms were insane.  I would literally "freeze up" like you said my thoughts were going like get up, move, but yet I could not.  I would just stare at the tv.  It never lasted, but scared the shit out of me.  I did a fairly quick taper, but I think I did ok, I wasn't on it too long.  But the main ones are dp, dr, now obsessive thinking, beyond what it used to be, brain fog, trouble concentrating, thats about it.  It used to be whenever I took my vitamin to help this process along, I would get that mind freeze again, it would stir up my sx.  Ya, how much was the meds because I certainly was not this way before.  I am seeing an acupuncturist to help rebuild those nerves and help with the brain chemistry, so it helps. I don't really have those highs, I either just feel super anxious, depressed or usually pretty calm at night, but I have always been that way. Do you take any meds now?  Meds are not the answer in my opinion, love is:) I think a lot of people can relate to that brain freeze in w/d, seems pretty common.