My Xanax addiction story

[[li...]]

Hello, my name is Ryan, I am 24 years old.  My benzo addiction started about 3 or 4 years ago, when I was trying to get off of oxycontin.  I couldn't sleep through oxy WDs so I took Xanax to help put me to sleep.  My oxy addiction continued though, and I started doing Xanax along with it.  I was doing Xanax for about 2 years without realizing I had an addiction.  I never craved Xanax, I just bought them to go with the oxys. 

 

In July 2010, my mother died from falling asleep and overdosing on Xanax and Fentanyl.  She fell asleep and her breathing slowed to the point where she just died.  After that, it really made me start thinking about my situation, because me and her both did Xanax and opiates.  I wanted to quit immediately.  I tried to quit opiates and xanax at the same time, and failed horribly.  It was just too hard on my body to try and quit both at the same time.  I didn't try to quit again until June 2011.  I am on suboxone now, but I did succesfully quit Xanax in June '11; it's been 9 months. 

 

I was shocked that it was taking my body so long to heal.  I don't crave Xanax, the only reason I had trouble quitting was because the WDs were so hard, but I don't care for the feeling of Xanax.  It took away all emotion, will, ambition, etc. 

 

The hardest part for me is that I feel like I will never feel okay again.  I am able to sleep now, and I can enjoy myself some, but I am very jumpy, and I can't really relax.  I have trouble focusing on stuff, and thinking clearly.  My stress level is always maxed out as well.  I just don't know when I will be able to sit down and zone out, or focus on something I like.  It's been 9 months, most people say it take a 12-18 months to feel normal again, but I feel like it hasn't progressed like it should.  I am halfway through that 18 months and I still have trouble sitting still.  Any help, or words of advice, would be very helpful.

 

[[ma...]]

Hello Ryan

Welcome to benzobuddies sorry about your mum and for what you have been thro,

You have had a rough time, you will get a lot of support here

Have a look around others will be along shortly to welcome you

keep posting

 

Magrita

[[pi...]]

Hi Ryan,

 

Wecome to Benzo Buddies, you will find many kind and caring people willing to share their withdrawal experiences with you.  It is not uncommon at all to have symptoms this far out, if you go to the Withdrawal and Recovery Board you can read some of the threads written there.

 

I am 9 months off and still have symptoms, but, I am so much better than I was even just a few months ago.  Everyone will heal, it just takes time.

 

Here's a link to the board I mentioned above:http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=55.0

 

pianogirl 

[[Be...]]

Hi Ryan,

 

I would like to say how sorry I am that you lost your lovely Mum to tranquilizers. That is very tragic and I feel for you. I'm sure she would be so proud though of how you are working so hard to get well.

 

You have been through a lot in the last two years and you should be proud that you have come so far.  I know life is far from easy, but you are  doing very well, really.  Are you in some form of treatment programme?  Are you being prescribed the suboxone?

 

I know that you feel that you haven't got anywhere.. It is so difficult to feel much progress when you feel so bad.  But, can you see any improvements?  Have some symptoms gone away or lessened?  This is not an easy journey, and therefore it is so important to grasp anything positive, no matter how small, and hang onto it.. Maybe someone close to you can help you see progress, or you could keep a progress journal...

 

You do know that drinking alcohol will not help w/d, so best to do without that for a good bit.

 

Welcome Ryan and I hope you get to feel at home here.

 

Let us how things are going,

Betsy xxxx

[[li...]]

Thanks for the quick responses, it's nice to know there are people out there that know what I am going through.  I don't know anyone who understands the whole benzo withdrawal experience. 

 

As for the suboxone...no I am not prescribed it, I buy it off my friends.  The thing is, I would of had trouble getting prescribed it earlier because doctors refuse to prescribe suboxone when you are on benzos.  But now that I am off benzos, I could get it prescribed, but I don't because I don't have insurance.  If I went to the doctor's to get prescribed suboxone, I would have to pay about 150-200 for the visit, and then 500-600 for the prescription, but I don't need that much.  The Dr would prescribe 30-60 subxones, but I only need about 10-12 a month, so it's much cheaper for me to just buy what I need off of friends.  I realize I should still see a Doctor about it, but I have been to a doctor for suboxone, and all they do is write a script and send me on my way.  I don't feel like that is worth 200 dollars a month.  Plus, I don't plan to get off suboxone until I feel like I am completelly healed from my benzo addiction., as I don't want to put too much stress on my body.

 

I do notice that my body and mind feel better since I quit Xanax, it's just I feel like I can't relax at all.  My symptoms are definitely less severe than the beginning.  I remember I couldn't sleep at all, I couldn't sit still one bit, or enjoy any activites.  Now though, I can enjoy certain activities (but not as much as I'd like to), I can sleep about 4-6 hours a night (I still haven't had one 8 hour night of sleep yet). 

 

One of the biggest problems I've had since quitting is stress.  I am in school right now, and about 6 months back, I had a stress attack (but at the time I didn't realize it was stress, I thought it was WDs).  I relapsed at that point because the stress was so bad, but after I took 1 xanax and it didn't let me sleep, I didn't take any more, because I realized that it wasn't WDs, and the xanax didn't help at all.  But about every 2 or 3 months, I get a stress attack.  Each time the stress attack gets less severe, but it is still very hard on my mind and body.  I have never had stress like this until I quit xanax. 

 

As for treatment program, no I am not in anything.  I have never liked AA or NA, I hate the whole "religious" perspective they have, and the fact that they say they have no power over their addiction.  That's BS.  In my opinion, if you quit an addiction, all you have is power.  You can't quit if you don't have any power over your own addiction.  I seem to be the black sheep at NA meetings.  I mentioned that I was an atheist once and the whole room fell silent, as if they had never seen an atheist in their life. 

 

And about alcohol.  No to that.  I only drink about once or twice every 3 or 4 months.  I don't really care for alcohol.  When I drink, I only have about 3 or 4 beers or shots.  I don't like the taste of alochol.  But I do smoke.  Smoking was one of the things that kept me sane during withdrawals. 

[[Be...]]

Hi Ryan,

 

Sounds like you are doing a great job and that you are pretty clued in about what you are doing..We would always suggest seeing a doctor about any medications you take though.

 

From what I have read it is a good idea to take a good break between tapering different drugs. As you say, gives the body chance to heal.. I tapered down from Sodium valporate one year and then Lamictal the next. 

 

I'm sorry if you felt that I was suggesting that you should be in a treatment group. I just asked about treatment because of the suboxone and what it's usually prescribed for. No suggestion

 

Sleep seems to be the one thing that gets us benzo people.. Most people exist on a lot less sleep than they were used to.. If you are getting 6 hours sometimes thats not bad at all. There are some people surviving on a lot less here.  For me it goes in spurts.  I get some wickedly bad times and then others when I get quite a good night.. It does get better, I know this!

 

I'm sure there will be others around soon with similar experiences.

 

hang in there.

 

Betsy xxxx

[[Bi...]]

Ryan,

 

Welcoming you to BenzoBuddies.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and what you have been through.

We're here to help and support you.

If you have any questions, let us know.

 

If you wish to add a signature: Signature 

 

Billy.

[[Do...]]

Hi Ryan... I have been in benzo withdrawal twice now. The first time I went through withdrawal was a year ago this week. At that time I was on Suboxone as well. Suboxone seemed to make the benzo wd worse, but of course I was not benzo wise then and quit the Suboxone and relapsed on Xanax. This time I am going through the benzo wd only.  From the 2 experiences I can relate that my withdrawal from benzos is not as bad this time as it was when I was on Suboxone. Suboxone has naloxone in it which really messes with your brain chemistry. Benzos damage the brain as well, so repairing the brain and CNS while on Suboxone will be challenging i am sure.

My suboxone dr made me quit xanax before prescribing suboxone, so i agree with not taking both. The suboxone drs in my state only prescribe suboxone for up to six mounths. if you have been on suboxone for a long time then it would be wise to see a suboxone dr about tapering the suboxone as well. If you go to suboxone.com you can print out coupons for free suboxone. My dr visits were 140 per month and free suboxone. Suboxone is really hard to shake off too, so getting a good suboxone dr who can take BP and blood work would be the safest bet in healing from both benzos and subs.  Best wishes, my friend.