2 years off 4 mg klonopin

[[kp...]]

Good Morning Everyone. I would like to share with you all a letter I wrote to a friend in BW this morning. Susan is not her real name. She would like to stay anonymous, and I think this letter my shine light for you all on this beautiful friday.

 

Susan,

 

thank you so much for writing. My own story contains similiarities. Its a long story, and there are many details which I will soon put down on paper soon as this healing progresses. its happening quite fast so it won't be much longer. The story must be written to empower and to encourage, and every letter that I receive from another person in the darkness is one more step I take into the light which I am experiencing now, and you will also experience. The story will contain horrific abuse from caregivers, abandonment, rejection, anger, misunderstanding and despair. That will only go down to demonstrate that all experiences lead toward light. When I read your email, I so much related because I have gone to others with situations seeking answers and I, too, have heard "just let it go." when a circumstance spins in my head, out of control this simple solution was not very helpful. My brain was compromised and in such a state that I was not able to just "let it go" and, if it were that easy, I would have, long ago, just "let it go." I would never tell this to another person because, when I was ready, I let it go. No sooner than that. When I could not hold on any longer, I was able to, and this came through grace, prayer and, more than anything else, time and patience. What I needed during my ordeal was friendship, companionship and love. It was necessary to go "through." Mine was not a problem, it was an opening, and opening to something that is amazing because on this side of the experience I do not have fear. I had to walk through pain, anger, sorrow and hurt to see. I do not know how others do it. I realized through my ordeal that my path was unique for my lessons and my growth. I still do not have all the answers "why" and they are arriving slowly the more time I spend in the light. You will be in the light and answers will be arriving for you also. Everyone heals and everyone who sets the intention to reach for light arrives, I promise. When I was in the pain and despair, I wanted so much to "get out" and be like everyone else who appeared to have lives that were operable and free of pain. It was from the outside that I juded their happiness, and it was to them I went for help, and it was from then I was told to "let it go." My gut instinct inside turned around and kept going, towards others who did not appear to have such order or propiety in their lives, and it was from then that I was finally heard. This was just one of the lessons that brought to my understanding that some people are not able to hear pain and suffering, and some are. If someone has been through pain and suffering, they will know down deep what another is experiencing, and there will be empathy. When we are finally heard by someone else, it opens space and then healing progresses along a nartural flow because the resistance drops and I am able to sigh a breath of relief. I have found amoungst many who are poor, diesnfranchises, old and outwardly disheveled great depth and reservoir of love. its not black and white, and I am sure that many wealthy people contain empathy. This was just my experience. I have addictions, so I go to 12 step meetings which is venue I chose for my spiritual rock. In meetings I hear authentic sharing from experience, and new people enter the rooms every day broken and hopeless, and every soul who arrives feels desparate and angry. I am elated every time another person reaches out their hand because I know my own light will shine brighter when I help another find the light that they have inside. You asked many questions in your email, and I do not have the same path as yours. I do know pain and suffering, and I do want to be your friend right now because you are in darkness, hurt and you do not want to wake up and face another day. I want you to face today. Tomorrow is a whole nother story. We will cross that bridge when we get to it. Today is the primary focus here. You are reaching out and this is beautiful becaue what you are reaching for is light, and this means that you have already set the intention to heal, so the gears are in motion. the universe hears this cry and the universe always always alwasy answers. Along my journey I asked for a lot, and I received little until I finally collapsed and asked for "thy will be done" and then I popped out of the darkness quite fast. It sounds esoteric, and its hard to put into words. When I popped out I was stil in pain and agony, adn then i realized that it was not thy will that I be out of pain and agoy. It was thy will that I find peace adn joy eventhough there was agony. I accepted at some level that I might be in hell forever and then I popped out of hell. This might be hard to follow so I will so my best to describe. Its as if I wanted to be in a place other than were I was and when I could not change the way things were I felt more hopeless than ever, like the all time loser of the universe, like the biggest failure. My understanding of failure was not truth. My approach to "getting out of the pain" was not very effective. When I embraced the pain (who the hell wants to do that) then I saw light. This is "how" I "let it go." Its more than a platitude. Its the formula that worked in my life. I am not actually sure if I am "out" of the pain right now. I do know that I have this huge light that is so magnificient that I don't care about pain any more, and I am not hurting, becaue this light is so spectacular that I just don't care about things like trauma and memories and paint etc. I might still be in the dark forest, and I might never get out of this dark forest. I don't care anymore, because the clouds lifted and a light is shining through and I realized that this is actually nature working splendid because in this dark forest I have discovered shady plants, ferns, mosses and all varieties of life that need shade and cannot tolerate life, and, in this forest, I find others. I believed I was all alone here, but I am not, and never have been, and I met you and so I offer to you a hand. If you cannot see right now, please trust me and take my hand and I will run your hand across the soft leaves of a fern variety spore and describe to you in words what it looks like with sight. This is the beginning of site. The belief that there is beauty in the darkness. This is the formula that works for me. Someone wise once gave to me this same gift when I was not able to see, and you asked me when I turned the corner. This is when I turned the corner. When someone cared, showed empathy, patience. Someone sat down with me inside the darkness and when I was ready, took my hand and placed in my palm a single leaf and asked me to feel the soft texture and then with words understanding, described this species of plant to me and I recorded a visual. With patience my eyes began to adjust and then i realized that I could actually see the leaf that I was holding. I was not afraid of my guide, and this was another component. Love from another. Love always, always, always heals. Love is a huge gift that I was given in my darkness. This is why I often speek of angels. This is the gift that they give. Angels are omnipresent in the darkness, and they are everywhere in this forest, and they will arrive, and they do arrive. I will synopsize and return to your question. "When did I turn the corner?" this I can answer. When my guide, one day, stood up and said that I was ready. "Ready for what?" I asked. "Ready to give back" For as long as I tried this alone, I could not see. when my angel arrived, her light was so strong that I started, every so slowly, to develop what I realize today was site. When she stood up to depart that day, she bestowed upon me a great responsibility with a bow of honor and great reverence. She said to me that I was ready. "ready for what?" I asked. "Ready to give back" I could not fathom that my small "still developing" site could be of much use to anyone else. I had just started to see when she stood up and walked away. There was no feeling of abandonment from her departure, however, I realized, which was a new and perplexing feeling. perplexing only becasue it was new. Instead, there was a feeling of exitement. Mixed in with some fear, but not the old fears which had been spinning in my mind like a tape recorder repeating over and over for 20 years. No, this was a totally new and different fear, and It replaced the old fear. HMMMMM?????? What I am trying to describe is the "shift." Susan Somethign shifted while I was with my guide in the darkness. My guide never told me to just "let it go" She showed me how to "let it go." What I realized that day was that I could nto just see the leaf in my own hand, but I could make out, just on the fringe, some of the shapes on the forest floor. For so many years I had stumbled over rocks, logs and fallen into puddles, and so demoralized and hopeless, I finally stopped and huddled up into the fetal postioin and wanted to die. I had spent so many years trying to find my way out of the darkness and the harder I tried the further down into the vortex I slipped. Thats when I met my guide, when I was down in the fetal position wanting to die but afraid to kill myself. Thats when she arrived. I realized after she left that my eyes could always see in the dark, and they were just learning an old forgotton skill that had long ago been forgotton, so when I stood up and looked down, I coudl now see faint outlines of the log that was in front of me, and instead of tripping, this time, I stepped over it. Just one step, that all that mattered for that one first step. When I was on the other side of that log, I took a deep breath, still shaky (you have to remember that I had been in that fetal postion on the forest floor for a very very very long time) and my legs still wobbly, but after taking that first step, I looked down and saw some thorns, and instead of getting snagged, once again, I lifted my right leg (still quite wobbly) and stepped over the thorns. This is just a small description of my experience with site. I could see the outlines of small rocks, plants and obstacles in the forest, but more than that, I was moving . I was no longer stuck. I did not know where I was supposed to go, but that realyy did not matter becasue I realized that I was moving, I was moving, I was moving! I was "unstuck!" that was my angel's miracle, she got me "unstuck" It was not her job to show me where to get me out of the dark forest. that was not her job. Its not my job either. I don't know where another person is supposed to go or what they are supposed to do. I can help you see. I can sit with you and have patience. And I can also share with you the miracle becaue, when my angel said "I was ready" I realized that my site, my small amount of site, was not the old site that I was used to. Back in the olden days (old beliefs)(old life) I operated on the modality of scarcity. If I had something, and I shared it with you, that means I would have less. In the dark forest, the gift from my guide (angel) operated on a different set of laws. The site I was gifted operates on the principle of "abundance" because the more I give back, the more I receive. this is why she said I was "ready" and it why I cherish you rmail this morniing, because you have given to me a gift. when I share with you my site, I am actually beginning to see more light . Giving and getting are the same. So the more light you allow me to give, the more I get. Get it??? I am new at this. I can see more than just oulines of plants, logs and thorns now, however. I can actually see colors, and varieties and now more gifts, like the gift of hearing and the gift of scent (intuitions). All of these gifts, and I, for all I know, might still be in the dark forest. Sound esoteric? Well, to be honest, I am having so much fun sharing this site with others right now that I have forgotten that I am in the dark forest, becaseu, to me, its no longer dark. Dark is only the absence of light, and I can see, so for me its not dark, but its the same forest.....................did that make any sense???????? So, In a sense, "letting it go" is correct, becasue thats how mine worked. Mine were not that easy. It was simple, but not easy. I needed help. And when I asked for help, I received help. My angel. Soon I realized that I there had been angels all along in the dark forest. They are everywhere. I was just too busy trying to "get out" blind crawling and stumbling that they could not catch up to me. They had been following me but I was blind to them. I wanted "out" of the darkness, so I passed them all by becasue I had no idea that the way "out" is "through" OH, I am sure I will get out of this darkness soon, because there is a clearing, a bright and sunny meadow, and I can now see the trail that leads to the meadow. I am sure I will take that trail some day and join the others who have never fallen into the dark forest. I will tell them of my adventures in the darkness but they probably won't get it. For now, though, I am in no hurry. I see the way out. However, I would rather have more sight (more light) so its with you this morining, Susan, and share with you part of my story. I am not perfect. In fact, I am a very very very flawed person. All those years of stumbling and falling have left me quite bruised and scraped. My clothes are all torn and dirty. My angels (yes, there have been many) seldom came in clean white robes (LOL). There is a laundry mat and a shower in the meadow that I speek of, and I am sure soon I will go and wash these clothes and bathe. I must smell awful. Most of the people that ask for help, though, cannot see my torn clothes or smell very well, so it does not matter in here what I look like. All that matters is how much I love, and the more I can love, the more I can love. Its a win win for us all. I hope this reaches you well, Susan Today is a new day. We can do it, and we are, and will because we have set the intention already and the angels will arrive, they have already started. Blessings to you.

 

Love you tons Susan

 

Kenny

[[So...]]

You are a beautiful ray of sunshine! Thank you so much!

[[no...]]

Hi kprice  This has to be one of the most beautiful inspirational post's I've ever read  Also I hope you don't mind but I couldn't read the post's as its written so had to use a program I have on my PC, and open a blank sheet so I could break your post into readable paragraphs as I desperately wanted to read it but found it impossible in my state of withdrawal to be able to read a block of writing without the paragraphs.

 

And am going to put it below my post with it in  paragraphs so that others with the same problem that want and need to can read it. I am also going to print it out, and keep a copy near at hand to read when I want or need some light in the darkness. Before I actually read it and broke it down into paragraphs I filed it under he word HOPE so I could find it and go back to it later to break it up in to readable paragraphs as I wasn't able to do so immediately due to symptoms.

 

I don't know why,  but the reason I filed it under 'HOPE' before I'd managed to even read it was because I felt that's what it would give me, even if my compromised brain couldn't understand it in its entirety, in those word I knew I would fine HOPE. I've now read it all and also know its got a lot of hope, love  and understanding  to offer to many people who will also read those words, for that's what I found and saw in what you had written here, its wonderfully beautiful. I hope wherever you are your light is still burning ever brighter, and you are well and happy, thank you for sharing something so personal with all of us. I feel blessed to have found it, you are still passing on the gift of light in the darkness by putting this here for us to read 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

 

 

 

Susan,

 

thank you so much for writing. My own story contains similarities. It’s a long story, and there are many details which I will soon put down on paper soon as this healing progresses. it’s happening quite fast so it won't be much longer.  The story must be written to empower and to encourage, and every letter that I receive from another person in the darkness is one more step I take into the light which I am experiencing now, and you will also experience.

 

 

The story will contain horrific abuse from caregivers, abandonment, rejection, anger, misunderstanding and despair. That will only go down to demonstrate that all experiences lead toward light.  When I read your email, I so much related because I have gone to others with situations seeking answers and I, too, have heard "just let it go." when a circumstance spins in my head, out of control this simple solution was not very helpful.

 

 

My brain was compromised and in such a state that I was not able to just "let it go" and, if it were that easy, I would have, long ago, just "let it go." I would never tell this to another person because, when I was ready, I let it go. No sooner than that.  When I could not hold on any longer, I was able to, and this came through grace, prayer and, more than anything else, time and patience. What I needed during my ordeal was friendship, companionship and love.

 

 

It was necessary to go "through." Mine was not a problem, it was an opening, and opening to something that is amazing because on this side of the experience I do not have fear. I had to walk through pain, anger, sorrow and hurt to see. I do not know how others do it. I realized through my ordeal that my path was unique for my lessons and my growth. I still do not have all the answers "why" and they are arriving slowly the more time I spend in the light.

 

 

You will be in the light and answers will be arriving for you also. Everyone heals and everyone who sets the intention to reach for light arrives, I promise. When I was in the pain and despair, I wanted so much to "get out" and be like everyone else who appeared to have lives that were operable and free of pain. It was from the outside that I judged their happiness, and it was to them I went for help, and it was from then I was told to "let it go."

 

My gut instinct inside turned around and kept going, towards others who did not appear to have such order or propriety in their lives, and it was from then that I was finally heard. This was just one of the lessons that brought to my understanding that some people are not able to hear pain and suffering, and some are. If someone has been through pain and suffering, they will know down deep what another is experiencing, and there will be empathy.

 

 

When we are finally heard by someone else, it opens space and then healing progresses along a natural flow because the resistance drops and I am able to sigh a breath of relief. I have found amongst many who are poor, disenfranchises, old and outwardly dishevelled great depth and reservoir of love. It’s not black and white, and I am sure that many wealthy people contain empathy. This was just my experience. I have addictions, so I go to 12 step meetings which is venue I chose for my spiritual rock.

 

In meetings, I hear authentic sharing from experience, and new people enter the rooms every day broken and hopeless, and every soul who arrives feels desperate and angry. I am elated every time another person reaches out their hand because I know my own light will shine brighter when I help another find the light that they have inside. You asked many questions in your email, and I do not have the same path as yours. I do know pain and suffering, and I do want to be your friend right now because you are in darkness, hurt and you do not want to wake up and face another day.

 

I want you to face today. Tomorrow is a whole other story. We will cross that bridge when we get to it. Today is the primary focus here. You are reaching out and this is beautiful because what you are reaching for is light, and this means that you have already set the intention to heal, so the gears are in motion. the universe hears this cry and the universe always, always, always answers. Along my journey, I asked for a lot, and I received little until I finally collapsed and asked for "thy will be done" and then I popped out of the darkness quite fast.

 

It sounds esoteric, and it’s hard to put into words. When I popped out I was still in pain and agony, and then I realized that it was not thy will that I be out of pain and agony.

It was thy will that I find peace and joy even though there was agony. I accepted at some level that I might be in hell forever and then I popped out of hell. This might be hard to follow so I will so my best to describe. It’s as if I wanted to be in a place other than were I was and when I could not change the way things were I felt more hopeless than ever, like the all-time loser of the universe, like the biggest failure.

 

My understanding of failure was not truth. My approach to "getting out of the pain" was not very effective. When I embraced the pain (who the hell wants to do that) then I saw light. This is "how" I "let it go." Its more than a platitude. It’s the formula that worked in my life. I am not actually sure if I am "out" of the pain right now.  I do know that I have this huge light that is so magnificent that I don't care about pain any more, and I am not hurting, because this light is so spectacular that I just don't care about things like trauma and memories and paint etc. I might still be in the dark forest, and I might never get out of this dark forest.

 

I don't care anymore, because the clouds lifted and a light is shining through and I realized that this is actually nature working splendid because in this dark forest I have discovered shady plants, ferns, mosses and all varieties of life that need shade and cannot tolerate life, and, in this forest, I find others.

 

I believed I was all alone here, but I am not, and never have been, and I met you and so I offer to you a hand. If you cannot see right now, please trust me and take my hand and I will run your hand across the soft leaves of a fern variety spore and describe to you in words what it looks like with sight.  This is the beginning of site. The belief that there is beauty in the darkness. This is the formula that works for me. Someone wise once gave to me this same gift when I was not able to see, and you asked me when I turned the corner.

 

This is when I turned the corner. When someone cared, showed empathy, patience. Someone sat down with me inside the darkness and when I was ready, took my hand and placed in my palm a single leaf and asked me to feel the soft texture and then with words understanding, described this species of plant to me and I recorded a visual.

With patience, my eyes began to adjust and then I realized that I could actually see the leaf that I was holding. I was not afraid of my guide, and this was another component.

 

Love from another. Love always, always, always heals. Love is a huge gift that I was given in my darkness. This is why I often speak of angels. This is the gift that they give. Angels are omnipresent in the darkness, and they are everywhere in this forest, and they will arrive, and they do arrive.

 

I will synopsize and return to your question. "When did I turn the corner?" this I can answer. When my guide, one day, stood up and said that I was ready. "Ready for what?" I asked. "Ready to give back" For as long as I tried this alone, I could not see. when my angel arrived, her light was so strong that I started, ever so slowly, to develop what I realize today was site.  When she stood up to depart that day, she bestowed upon me a great responsibility with a bow of honour and great reverence. She said to me that I was ready. "ready for what?" I asked.

 

"Ready to give back" I could not fathom that my small "still developing" site could be of much use to anyone else. I had just started to see when she stood up and walked away. There was no feeling of abandonment from her departure, however, I realized, which was a new and perplexing feeling. perplexing only because it was new. Instead, there was a feeling of excitement. Mixed in with some fear, but not the old fears which had been spinning in my mind like a tape recorder repeating over and over for 20 years. No, this was a totally new and different fear, and It replaced the old fear. HMMMMM?    ??? ?? What I am trying to describe is the "shift." 

 

Something shifted while I was with my guide in the darkness. My guide never told me to just "let it go" She showed me how to "let it go." What I realized that day was that I could not just see the leaf in my own hand, but I could make out, just on the fringe, some of the shapes on the forest floor.  For so many years I had stumbled over rocks, logs and fallen into puddles, and so demoralized and hopeless, I finally stopped and huddled up into the fetal position and wanted to die. I had spent so many years trying to find my way out of the darkness and the harder I tried the further down into the vortex I slipped.

 

That’s when I met my guide, when I was down in the fetal position wanting to die but afraid to kill myself. That’s when she arrived. I realized after she left that my eyes could always see in the dark, and they were just learning an old forgotten skill that had long ago been forgotten, so when I stood up and looked down, I could now see faint outlines of the log that was in front of me.

 

And instead of tripping, this time, I stepped over it. Just one step, that all that mattered for that one first step. When I was on the other side of that log, I took a deep breath, still shaky (you have to remember that I had been in that fetal position on the forest floor for a very, very, very long time) and my legs still wobbly, but after taking that first step, I looked down and saw some thorns. And instead of getting snagged, once again, I lifted my right leg (still quite wobbly) and stepped over the thorns.

 

This is just a small description of my experience with site. I could see the outlines of small rocks, plants and obstacles in the forest, but more than that, I was moving. I was no longer stuck. I did not know where I was supposed to go, but that really did not matter because I realized that I was moving, I was moving, I was moving! I was "unstuck!" that was my angel's miracle, she got me "unstuck" It was not her job to show me where to get me out of the dark forest. that was not her job. It’s not my job either. I don't know where another person is supposed to go or what they are supposed to do.

 

I can help you see. I can sit with you and have patience. And I can also share with you the miracle because, when my angel said "I was ready" I realized that my site, my small amount of site, was not the old site that I was used to. Back in the olden days (old beliefs) (old life) I operated on the modality of scarcity. If I had something, and I shared it with you, that means I would have less. In the dark forest, the gift from my guide (angel) operated on a different set of laws. The site I was gifted operates on the principle of "abundance" because the more I give back, the more I receive.

 

This is why she said I was "ready" and it why I cherish you email this morning, because you have given to me a gift. when I share with you my site, I am actually beginning to see more light. Giving and getting are the same. So, the more light you allow me to give, the more I get. Get it?  ?? I am new at this. I can see more than just outlines of plants, logs and thorns now, however. I can actually see colors, and varieties and now more gifts, like the gift of hearing and the gift of scent (intuitions). All of these gifts, and I, for all I know, might still be in the dark forest.

 

Sound esoteric? Well, to be honest, I am having so much fun sharing this site with others right now that I have forgotten that I am in the dark forest, because, to me, its no longer dark. Dark is only the absence of light, and I can see, so for me it’s not dark, but it’s the same forest.....................did that make any sense?      ? So, in a sense, "letting it go" is correct, because that’s how mine worked. Mine were not that easy. It was simple, but not easy. I needed help. And when I asked for help, I received help.

 

 

My angel. Soon I realized that I there had been angels all along in the dark forest. They are everywhere. I was just too busy trying to "get out" blind crawling and stumbling that they could not catch up to me. They had been following me but I was blind to them. I wanted "out" of the darkness, so I passed them all by because I had no idea that the way "out" is "through" OH, I am sure I will get out of this darkness soon, because there is a clearing, a bright and sunny meadow, and I can now see the trail that leads to the meadow.

 

I am sure I will take that trail some day and join the others who have never fallen into the dark forest. I will tell them of my adventures in the darkness but they probably won't get it. For now, though, I am in no hurry. I see the way out. However, I would rather have more sight (more light) so it’s with you this morning, Susan, and share with you part of my story. I am not perfect. In fact, I am a very, very, very flawed person.

 

All those years of stumbling and falling have left me quite bruised and scraped. My clothes are all torn and dirty. My angels (yes, there have been many) seldom came in clean white robes (LOL). There is a laundry mat and a shower in the meadow that I speak of, and I am sure soon I will go and wash these clothes and bathe.

 

I must smell awful. Most of the people that ask for help, though, cannot see my torn clothes or smell very well, so it does not matter in here what I look like. All that matters is how much I love, and the more I can love, the more I can love. It’s a win win for us all. I hope this reaches you well, Susan Today is a new day. We can do it, and we are, and will because we have set the intention already and the angels will arrive, they have already started. Blessings to you.

 

Love you tons Susan

 

Kenny

 

 

 

[[Vi...]]

Beautiful written post!!! Thank you so much. I will print it and read it when I will need hope and inspiration.

Thanks again

[[be...]]

Hi kprice  This has to be one of the most beautiful inspirational post's I've ever read  Also I hope you don't mind but I couldn't read the post's as its written so had to use a program I have on my PC, and open a blank sheet so I could break your post into readable paragraphs as I desperately wanted to read it but found it impossible in my state of withdrawal to be able to read a block of writing without the paragraphs.

 

And am going to put it below my post with it in  paragraphs so that others with the same problem that want and need to can read it. I am also going to print it out, and keep a copy near at hand to read when I want or need some light in the darkness. Before I actually read it and broke it down into paragraphs I filed it under he word HOPE so I could find it and go back to it later to break it up in to readable paragraphs as I wasn't able to do so immediately due to symptoms.

 

I don't know why,  but the reason I filed it under 'HOPE' before I'd managed to even read it was because I felt that's what it would give me, even if my compromised brain couldn't understand it in its entirety, in those word I knew I would fine HOPE. I've now read it all and also know its got a lot of hope, love  and understanding  to offer to many people who will also read those words, for that's what I found and saw in what you had written here, its wonderfully beautiful. I hope wherever you are your light is still burning ever brighter, and you are well and happy, thank you for sharing something so personal with all of us. I feel blessed to have found it, you are still passing on the gift of light in the darkness by putting this here for us to read 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

 

 

 

Susan,

 

thank you so much for writing. My own story contains similarities. It’s a long story, and there are many details which I will soon put down on paper soon as this healing progresses. it’s happening quite fast so it won't be much longer.  The story must be written to empower and to encourage, and every letter that I receive from another person in the darkness is one more step I take into the light which I am experiencing now, and you will also experience.

 

 

The story will contain horrific abuse from caregivers, abandonment, rejection, anger, misunderstanding and despair. That will only go down to demonstrate that all experiences lead toward light.  When I read your email, I so much related because I have gone to others with situations seeking answers and I, too, have heard "just let it go." when a circumstance spins in my head, out of control this simple solution was not very helpful.

 

 

My brain was compromised and in such a state that I was not able to just "let it go" and, if it were that easy, I would have, long ago, just "let it go." I would never tell this to another person because, when I was ready, I let it go. No sooner than that.  When I could not hold on any longer, I was able to, and this came through grace, prayer and, more than anything else, time and patience. What I needed during my ordeal was friendship, companionship and love.

 

 

It was necessary to go "through." Mine was not a problem, it was an opening, and opening to something that is amazing because on this side of the experience I do not have fear. I had to walk through pain, anger, sorrow and hurt to see. I do not know how others do it. I realized through my ordeal that my path was unique for my lessons and my growth. I still do not have all the answers "why" and they are arriving slowly the more time I spend in the light.

 

 

You will be in the light and answers will be arriving for you also. Everyone heals and everyone who sets the intention to reach for light arrives, I promise. When I was in the pain and despair, I wanted so much to "get out" and be like everyone else who appeared to have lives that were operable and free of pain. It was from the outside that I judged their happiness, and it was to them I went for help, and it was from then I was told to "let it go."

 

My gut instinct inside turned around and kept going, towards others who did not appear to have such order or propriety in their lives, and it was from then that I was finally heard. This was just one of the lessons that brought to my understanding that some people are not able to hear pain and suffering, and some are. If someone has been through pain and suffering, they will know down deep what another is experiencing, and there will be empathy.

 

 

When we are finally heard by someone else, it opens space and then healing progresses along a natural flow because the resistance drops and I am able to sigh a breath of relief. I have found amongst many who are poor, disenfranchises, old and outwardly dishevelled great depth and reservoir of love. It’s not black and white, and I am sure that many wealthy people contain empathy. This was just my experience. I have addictions, so I go to 12 step meetings which is venue I chose for my spiritual rock.

 

In meetings, I hear authentic sharing from experience, and new people enter the rooms every day broken and hopeless, and every soul who arrives feels desperate and angry. I am elated every time another person reaches out their hand because I know my own light will shine brighter when I help another find the light that they have inside. You asked many questions in your email, and I do not have the same path as yours. I do know pain and suffering, and I do want to be your friend right now because you are in darkness, hurt and you do not want to wake up and face another day.

 

I want you to face today. Tomorrow is a whole other story. We will cross that bridge when we get to it. Today is the primary focus here. You are reaching out and this is beautiful because what you are reaching for is light, and this means that you have already set the intention to heal, so the gears are in motion. the universe hears this cry and the universe always, always, always answers. Along my journey, I asked for a lot, and I received little until I finally collapsed and asked for "thy will be done" and then I popped out of the darkness quite fast.

 

It sounds esoteric, and it’s hard to put into words. When I popped out I was still in pain and agony, and then I realized that it was not thy will that I be out of pain and agony.

It was thy will that I find peace and joy even though there was agony. I accepted at some level that I might be in hell forever and then I popped out of hell. This might be hard to follow so I will so my best to describe. It’s as if I wanted to be in a place other than were I was and when I could not change the way things were I felt more hopeless than ever, like the all-time loser of the universe, like the biggest failure.

 

My understanding of failure was not truth. My approach to "getting out of the pain" was not very effective. When I embraced the pain (who the hell wants to do that) then I saw light. This is "how" I "let it go." Its more than a platitude. It’s the formula that worked in my life. I am not actually sure if I am "out" of the pain right now.  I do know that I have this huge light that is so magnificent that I don't care about pain any more, and I am not hurting, because this light is so spectacular that I just don't care about things like trauma and memories and paint etc. I might still be in the dark forest, and I might never get out of this dark forest.

 

I don't care anymore, because the clouds lifted and a light is shining through and I realized that this is actually nature working splendid because in this dark forest I have discovered shady plants, ferns, mosses and all varieties of life that need shade and cannot tolerate life, and, in this forest, I find others.

 

I believed I was all alone here, but I am not, and never have been, and I met you and so I offer to you a hand. If you cannot see right now, please trust me and take my hand and I will run your hand across the soft leaves of a fern variety spore and describe to you in words what it looks like with sight.  This is the beginning of site. The belief that there is beauty in the darkness. This is the formula that works for me. Someone wise once gave to me this same gift when I was not able to see, and you asked me when I turned the corner.

 

This is when I turned the corner. When someone cared, showed empathy, patience. Someone sat down with me inside the darkness and when I was ready, took my hand and placed in my palm a single leaf and asked me to feel the soft texture and then with words understanding, described this species of plant to me and I recorded a visual.

With patience, my eyes began to adjust and then I realized that I could actually see the leaf that I was holding. I was not afraid of my guide, and this was another component.

 

Love from another. Love always, always, always heals. Love is a huge gift that I was given in my darkness. This is why I often speak of angels. This is the gift that they give. Angels are omnipresent in the darkness, and they are everywhere in this forest, and they will arrive, and they do arrive.

 

I will synopsize and return to your question. "When did I turn the corner?" this I can answer. When my guide, one day, stood up and said that I was ready. "Ready for what?" I asked. "Ready to give back" For as long as I tried this alone, I could not see. when my angel arrived, her light was so strong that I started, ever so slowly, to develop what I realize today was site.  When she stood up to depart that day, she bestowed upon me a great responsibility with a bow of honour and great reverence. She said to me that I was ready. "ready for what?" I asked.

 

"Ready to give back" I could not fathom that my small "still developing" site could be of much use to anyone else. I had just started to see when she stood up and walked away. There was no feeling of abandonment from her departure, however, I realized, which was a new and perplexing feeling. perplexing only because it was new. Instead, there was a feeling of excitement. Mixed in with some fear, but not the old fears which had been spinning in my mind like a tape recorder repeating over and over for 20 years. No, this was a totally new and different fear, and It replaced the old fear. HMMMMM?    ??? ?? What I am trying to describe is the "shift." 

 

Something shifted while I was with my guide in the darkness. My guide never told me to just "let it go" She showed me how to "let it go." What I realized that day was that I could not just see the leaf in my own hand, but I could make out, just on the fringe, some of the shapes on the forest floor.  For so many years I had stumbled over rocks, logs and fallen into puddles, and so demoralized and hopeless, I finally stopped and huddled up into the fetal position and wanted to die. I had spent so many years trying to find my way out of the darkness and the harder I tried the further down into the vortex I slipped.

 

That’s when I met my guide, when I was down in the fetal position wanting to die but afraid to kill myself. That’s when she arrived. I realized after she left that my eyes could always see in the dark, and they were just learning an old forgotten skill that had long ago been forgotten, so when I stood up and looked down, I could now see faint outlines of the log that was in front of me.

 

And instead of tripping, this time, I stepped over it. Just one step, that all that mattered for that one first step. When I was on the other side of that log, I took a deep breath, still shaky (you have to remember that I had been in that fetal position on the forest floor for a very, very, very long time) and my legs still wobbly, but after taking that first step, I looked down and saw some thorns. And instead of getting snagged, once again, I lifted my right leg (still quite wobbly) and stepped over the thorns.

 

This is just a small description of my experience with site. I could see the outlines of small rocks, plants and obstacles in the forest, but more than that, I was moving. I was no longer stuck. I did not know where I was supposed to go, but that really did not matter because I realized that I was moving, I was moving, I was moving! I was "unstuck!" that was my angel's miracle, she got me "unstuck" It was not her job to show me where to get me out of the dark forest. that was not her job. It’s not my job either. I don't know where another person is supposed to go or what they are supposed to do.

 

I can help you see. I can sit with you and have patience. And I can also share with you the miracle because, when my angel said "I was ready" I realized that my site, my small amount of site, was not the old site that I was used to. Back in the olden days (old beliefs) (old life) I operated on the modality of scarcity. If I had something, and I shared it with you, that means I would have less. In the dark forest, the gift from my guide (angel) operated on a different set of laws. The site I was gifted operates on the principle of "abundance" because the more I give back, the more I receive.

 

This is why she said I was "ready" and it why I cherish you email this morning, because you have given to me a gift. when I share with you my site, I am actually beginning to see more light. Giving and getting are the same. So, the more light you allow me to give, the more I get. Get it?  ?? I am new at this. I can see more than just outlines of plants, logs and thorns now, however. I can actually see colors, and varieties and now more gifts, like the gift of hearing and the gift of scent (intuitions). All of these gifts, and I, for all I know, might still be in the dark forest.

 

Sound esoteric? Well, to be honest, I am having so much fun sharing this site with others right now that I have forgotten that I am in the dark forest, because, to me, its no longer dark. Dark is only the absence of light, and I can see, so for me it’s not dark, but it’s the same forest.....................did that make any sense?      ? So, in a sense, "letting it go" is correct, because that’s how mine worked. Mine were not that easy. It was simple, but not easy. I needed help. And when I asked for help, I received help.

 

 

My angel. Soon I realized that I there had been angels all along in the dark forest. They are everywhere. I was just too busy trying to "get out" blind crawling and stumbling that they could not catch up to me. They had been following me but I was blind to them. I wanted "out" of the darkness, so I passed them all by because I had no idea that the way "out" is "through" OH, I am sure I will get out of this darkness soon, because there is a clearing, a bright and sunny meadow, and I can now see the trail that leads to the meadow.

 

I am sure I will take that trail some day and join the others who have never fallen into the dark forest. I will tell them of my adventures in the darkness but they probably won't get it. For now, though, I am in no hurry. I see the way out. However, I would rather have more sight (more light) so it’s with you this morning, Susan, and share with you part of my story. I am not perfect. In fact, I am a very, very, very flawed person.

 

All those years of stumbling and falling have left me quite bruised and scraped. My clothes are all torn and dirty. My angels (yes, there have been many) seldom came in clean white robes (LOL). There is a laundry mat and a shower in the meadow that I speak of, and I am sure soon I will go and wash these clothes and bathe.

 

I must smell awful. Most of the people that ask for help, though, cannot see my torn clothes or smell very well, so it does not matter in here what I look like. All that matters is how much I love, and the more I can love, the more I can love. It’s a win win for us all. I hope this reaches you well, Susan Today is a new day. We can do it, and we are, and will because we have set the intention already and the angels will arrive, they have already started. Blessings to you.

 

Love you tons Susan

 

Kenny

 

 

 

T

 

Thank you so much for breaking it up to paragraphs. Much easier to read.