When you lose your fighting spirit?

[[re...]]

When I started this adventure back in Oct 2010 I was so hopeful! I was going to show that little pill who was boss. When I was bed ridden I bought a walker. When I couldnt get out of bed to use the bathroom my son carried me. When I updosed per docs orders, I said screw it and went back down. When I was bed ridden again I went cold turkey. I wanted off this stuff SO bad.

 

Now, 8.5 months out and I am losing my fighting spirit. I feel so worn out and worn down. I am psychically sick and mentally sick. My worst sx is the constant thought of death. I cringe thinking about having to die one day. I feel I am going insane thinking about it 24/7. I did not do this pre benzos. I was anxious and panicky for sure, but I dont recall this 24/7 obsession.

 

I am scared I will never heal, that I am going to tingle, burn, twitch, sweat, be dizzy, have bone pain etc forever. I am terrified I will never feel normal mentally, that I will always be thinking about death or feel depressed or anxious. I had to leave the movie theater today watching The Lorax as I just could not take the loud noises or the cartoon violence. WTF?? I dont know who I am any more and I am scared, sad and feeling hopeless.

 

Zoe, Eli, Bliss, and Jan keep doing their best to reassure me I will heal and these horrific thoughts and body sensations will go away. I just find it really hard to believe any more. I have lived in an altered state for almost a year and half. I cant see it ever changing. I am so afraid I messed up my brain forever and klonopin, or scared that I will only be able to function if I go back on that crap and I dont want to.

 

I hang onto every word the veterans tell me but as soon as I hang up, the doom/gloom rushes in. I live alone and trying to keep myself occupied and happy is hard. I am doing my best to go back to work, but even the smallest bit of effort towards rebuilding my career takes its toll on me.

 

I just needed to vent here Benzo Buddies. I know I kick and scream a lot here. I do my best to stay positive, but I am wearing really really really thin. If I am doomed to this existence forever I am not sure what I will do. This is torture. The mental thoughts alone are enough to make me feel like my life is over, let alone the body pain and sensations.

 

What do you do when you lose your fighting spirit?

 

[[pa...]]

You haven't lost your fighting spirit.  Why, you state you are kicking and screaming, that is fighting with your will and spirit to keep going forward.  My husband is 14 months off tomorrow, things have changed and gotten better, but it is still a fight. I was put on Valium in the 80's, no internet, I don't truly know how I survived it all.  Though, I realize we do have a pull within ourselves to get through the worst of times.  I have seen this many, many times in my life, from what people have had to go through.  Going through this, brings one to their knees and beyond, but, what it gives them, when they do heal and all do, I did and so many, many others have said the same, it gives you a compassion of empathy, understanding and love you can and do extend to others, no matter what they are suffering with or from.  Maybe, we have been selected metaphysically to go through this, to experience this horrible ordeal, to help others in our own way on this planet.  That's what kept me going, that somehow this happened for a reason.  I thought it was two years after, my dear cousin ended up at age 38 with a horrible cancer, fast growing beyond belief.  Did I understand cancer, not I did not, but what I did understand was fear of having no control of what was happening, anxiety of what would happen to my life... there we connected.  We walked the journey together.  I thought my journey was to help her in her journey.  No.. that was the beginning, my journey was to walk with my husband the same I walked through, both not knowing these drugs were from the same family, no knowledge, dear God.  But, my journey is not to only help him through this, but I found this site, and now I know my third journey is to help all on this site with words, understanding, compassion and an extension of love, to help them through the suffering and tell them they can and will be well again.  Your journey is very difficult and hard, but your beautiful spirit will carry you through.  Just know this bbs is here for you anytime.  Hugs, Prayers and Love to you... Pattylu

[[re...]]

You haven't lost your fighting spirit.  Why, you state you are kicking and screaming, that is fighting with your will and spirit to keep going forward.  My husband is 14 months off tomorrow, things have changed and gotten better, but it is still a fight. I was put on Valium in the 80's, no internet, I don't truly know how I survived it all.  Though, I realize we do have a pull within ourselves to get through the worst of times.  I have seen this many, many times in my life, from what people have had to go through.  Going through this, brings one to their knees and beyond, but, what it gives them, when they do heal and all do, I did and so many, many others have said the same, it gives you a compassion of empathy, understanding and love you can and do extend to others, no matter what they are suffering with or from.  Maybe, we have been selected metaphysically to go through this, to experience this horrible ordeal, to help others in our own way on this planet.  That's what kept me going, that somehow this happened for a reason.  I thought it was two years after, my dear cousin ended up at age 38 with a horrible cancer, fast growing beyond belief.  Did I understand cancer, not I did not, but what I did understand was fear of having no control of what was happening, anxiety of what would happen to my life... there we connected.  We walked the journey together.  I thought my journey was to help her in her journey.  No.. that was the beginning, my journey was to walk with my husband the same I walked through, both not knowing these drugs were from the same family, no knowledge, dear God.  But, my journey is not to only help him through this, but I found this site, and now I know my third journey is to help all on this site with words, understanding, compassion and an extension of love, to help them through the suffering and tell them they can and will be well again.  Your journey is very difficult and hard, but your beautiful spirit will carry you through.  Just know this bbs is here for you anytime.  Hugs, Prayers and Love to you... Pattylu

 

Thank you PattyLu

I thought my journey was to help other women who have been sexually abused or assaulted. Been doing that work a long time. I've eaten enough Sh*% in life to be compassionate, empathic, and caring towards others. I have built my life on it. But clearly I had not suffered enough.   I guess I need to know total surrender. After all, I am going to have to surrender 100% one day when I breathe my last, which of course my obsessional thinking wont let me forget. Sigh.

 

Appreciate the virtual hand to hold. I am just scared. And tired. Lonely. And so want to go back to work and be a member of society again. Ya know?

[[pa...]]

My dear friend,  Your journey has been full already, but, you are still kicking and screaming, huh? You have built your life on it as you state, what courage and strength you have within.  You are worn out and tired, you have suffered enough with no question, even though I don't know your story of life.  No, surrender is not 100% when you breathe your last breath, surrender for us on this planet, is surrendering to our spirit, our true self and I am not speaking of religion or doctrine.  We are on a planet suspended in outerspace, a wondrous cosmos, we are a part of.  All this sh.t we go through in our life is a journey, a hell at many times without words, though we have a will within us to keep going forward.  To me, its not a fear of dying, if that was the case, we would be dropping like flies. Somehow, something within, whatever that is, just keeps us moving forward.  I read and understood, you are scared, lonely and tired.  Remember, we, your bbs, like you have been for others, we are here for you, I am for sure.  So you are not alone, you have us.  Scared and tired, sh..t we all are.  This thing is too much too much - and we wonder why.  But, we do have eachother to help eachother.  So, my friend, my arm is around you with a strong hug, you are not alone and you know that.  I have seen in reading your posts how truly strong you are.  You are tired, so rest.  The obsessive thoughts are from these lousy drugs and their effects.  Just stay holding onto our hands, our arms are around you, like yours are around us.  Hugs and Love to you.  Pattylu  

[Guest [...]]

Hey Recovering

 

Holding out an equally frightened hand to you.  I cant give much support as im feeling just like you.  there has to be hope out there and just think at least you are off the stuff that is such a big achievement in itself.  Im still on the last 2.5 and dont know how the hell im going to be able to get off feeling the way I do.  So please you are not alone we are all here for you.

 

Lizzy

[[Wh...]]

I've been thru several of those times when I felt that I had lost my fighting spirit ... like Patty Lu said ... this is the time to rest and stop trying to control everything.  Is that even a little bit possible? 

 

Let go a little, find a little peace

 

Let go a lot, find alot of peace

 

Let go absolutely and find absolute peace

 

Believe it or not, this even applies to those of us in benzo withdrawal.  Letting go works.

 

[Guest [...]]

Whoopsie

 

maybe you are right maybe trying to keep all this under control and analysing why we feel like this all the time is making things worse.  how do you let go of something so debilitating though.

 

Lizzy

[[re...]]

thank you, you wonderful three spirits. I appreciate your words so much.

 

I am scared. I am tired. I just want the death obsession to go away. But if truth were told, if it went away then I would want something else to go away. It is in the wanting that I suffer. If  I could let go I would be far happier. But I have not been able to surrender fully. I work a 12 step program and I *think* I do the third step but clearly not deep enough.

 

I just dont want to be stuck like this forever. I want to feel joy again. Peace. Love. Energy. Creativity. Stamina. Hopefully those things will come back and more, now that my brain isnt bathing in a benzo every night. Thank God!!

 

Thanks for reaching out and holding my frightened hand. I'll let God scoop me up and carry me. Oh, wait, he's already been doing that. I just forget.

 

 

[[el...]]

I was so sick last night..I stayed up and just kept watching benzo withdraw stories..Do you know about Paula Kovacs story?Your fear of death thinking is just out of control right now.I'm back to not being able to get out of bed..A question for you...Have you lost a close loved one?I lost my fear of death when this happend to me..I did not what to live anymore,but I did not want to die either.I wanted to be with this person so bad.I just learned that some day we will be together..I think you really need to find a way to get over that fear..I dont think you can get over it until you are well again..The Benzos has really got a hold of you with that fear..As far as healing goes,I'm right there with you..I almost gave up last night..Not sure by body can take much more of this..I do feel like my brain has been damaged and it might not heal....I have that fear now so bad...

[Guest [...]]

hey recovering

 

I have had severe ocd for a long time.  obsessive thoughts are just that they really are please believe me.  I know that It is so tiring im tired everyday thinking and thinking however the obsessive thoughts have gone now and are replaced with this horrible overwhelming feeling like totally brain damaged feeling.  my shrink says its impossible to be brain damaged however why do i feel so sick.  The drugs have done it.  Tell me a little bit about your story.  how did you get on and off etc??

 

Lizzy

[[Bi...]]

Recovering,

 

I'll tell you what this withdrawal does, and we can't really see it 'cause we are in it! It takes what we used to put on the back burner and throws it on the forefront, fears and everything, then by amplifying it to our faces! That is exactly what this withdrawal does, and we try to fight it, and it turns those fears against us even more! I have to really muster up the IQ to even say that. In a window, all of these s/x's are almost resolved! It puts the fear and Obsessiveness on the back burner, where it belongs, and pulls the good things in us to the forefront!

Knowledge is power, and I have had to tell myself this a zillion times in the day, when it gets so unthinkable, that one would think I'm on fire, and I don't dare someone to tell me not to look, when actually there is nothing there, BUT fear itself!

When we heal, and we will in time.. no one can really say when, it is so individualized and different. The thing is, eventually, this will one day be a past memory, if you can even remember it, I highly doubt it 'cause in a window, I cannot! Which is a good thing!

When we think up stuff, it makes us obsess, and really it is over nothing at all. Everyone of these s/x's are Anxiety s/x's, yet amplified. Well, I guess they are, I mean look at the big picture here. It's like whatever we think of, it amplifies it, and we get uncompfy with it, and we start thinking the most strange and worse thoughts ever written in a Stephen King Novel!

I have the obsessive thoughts, too. It gets pretty bad!

There is no reasoning in withdrawal for the person, who is in it. Withdrawal throws up this blanket of great deception, and not a damn thing wrong with us, but just that. I know I make it sound so simple, and it is not 'cause we can't see past the deception it tries to throw up in our face. It's a day to day struggle, well until we heal. I try not to fight my thoughts, but rather just watch them, as really they are normal, but amplified. Our thinking is skewed and all over the place because of the withdrawal. I know everyday is like taking a spinner out, one would use in Probability, and spinning the wheel, to see what colour it lands on.

Hang in there, Billy.

 

Edit: Typos

 

 

[[Tu...]]

As you probably know I have that obsession with fear of dying going on since around Christmas or so, I know what you are going through and its not nice. It just makes me so sad that one day all this will be gone (actually heartbreaking the more I think of it and there lies the problem, the thinking about it) It has got better though in the past week and a half, it dont seem to hit me as powerfull as previously and I can see that it is withdrawl and that the mind can snap out of this negative but very powerful way of thinking! And thats all I really needed was for me to see that I am not stuck thinking so negatively forever. I am almost 8 weeks out so maybe this is only a window from my thoughts for now but it has reassured me that my mind can have a different outlook

You hang in there, you have been helpful to me on occassions on here and just because you feel like your getting tired and cant get through this, doesn't mean that you will feel this way tomorrow

Your mind will not always think like this, this I can promise you! 

[[no...]]

I am at work, but had to quick send an I care note to you RFB.

I understand, but Pattylu is right. You have shown strength that is still there. Just rest and give up struggling a bit. I will check here later, and I am praying and thinking of you-Susan

[[ja...]]

RFB....

 

This is what upsets me the most to hear. I know exactly what your feeling! I wrote a thread on this very same thing, Ill post it for you. The best advise I can give you is this.. Your brain is going  to Lie to you during this w/d.Its gonna try and break your Spirit Down.. Don't listen .Your gonna Heal. Your gonna be so good again and filled with Health and Joy .. When your brain is telling you these Lies. Listen to your Heart it will never Lie. That's were Truth Lye's. That's where your Spirit is.. Hang in there Please .This madness will End and you will have all of You back...

This is what was breaking my spirit and the duration was making me so worn down.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=39954.0

 

~Jenny

[[re...]]

Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom and the prayers. I will not struggle today. I will do my best to put aside my fear that this is the new me, that these fears and sickness will haunt the rest of my days.

 

I woke from a wonderful dream, only to feel the bone pain, burning, tingles etc and the death thoughts swoop in. Sigh.

I will do my best to practice page 417 of the Big Book: Acceptance.

 

I pray for us all slogging through this dark part of our journey. Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..... I am most certainly in that valley!

[[Cr...]]

RFB, your inbox is full 

[[re...]]

Thank you!

 

Jenny I tried to PM you but could not. wanted to thank you personally.

Susan your box is full too!

[[Be...]]

My dear kindered tortured soul. The only comfort that I can offer you is that I too am suffering. I successfully tapered off klonopin last April and had to reinstate in August. Now I'm back on 1 mg and feeling like this is my life. Just know that your not suffering alone.

[[re...]]

I am so sorry you had to reinstate. Are you tapering again?

What happened?? It is so hard to hang on, I know.

But I have to trust that we heal and that life will be good once again.

 

I dont want to go back on that poison. I was on it for far too long and in and out of tolerance.

 

Hope you can find your way off again.

[[Ga...]]

Recoverring, Im listening to a song now Minute by Minute, wow that is my life today:(

I used to be able to get mad and fight but now I just feel resigned. I need to read Jennys

post again.

[[ja...]]

Thank you!

 

Jenny I tried to PM you but could not. wanted to thank you personally.

Susan your box is full too!

RFB..Aww

 

Im sorry. I shut down my Pm box about a month ago cause im not here as much and wasnt able to keep up .. I think it says Ive blocked whoever pms me..Not true I just can get pms from admins.Thats just the responce it gives. Im sorry .Your so welcome RFB I was just the same..I know how this starts to break our spirit down .Mines strong and I was really becoming broken...

RFB your strong.You can do this.

 

Gard...Aww your doing so good .Hang in there this nightmare will come to a end ...

 

~Jenny

[[re...]]

Thanks Jenny. Yes it says you had blocked me. Appreciate the explanation. I was concerned I had upset you in some way! I am pretty benzo sensitive at the moment.

 

Thanks for reminding us we do heal. It is hard to believe when you are this sick, for this long and you start to get better then get slammed again, you know?

 

Thanks for blazing the trail for us. Keep reminding us we heal.

[[ja...]]

Quote"Thanks Jenny. Yes it says you had blocked me. Appreciate the explanation. I was concerned I had upset you in some way! I am pretty benzo sensitive at the moment" Oh NO ....I would never block you!!! O geez I hate it says that .I wish it said something else.

 

Your very welcome RFB..All I would have needed when I was so bad and so in the dark.Was someone to just say who been here.It ends.All of it.We Heal.We get better .Thats the most important.

[[re...]]

Quote"Thanks Jenny. Yes it says you had blocked me. Appreciate the explanation. I was concerned I had upset you in some way! I am pretty benzo sensitive at the moment" Oh NO ....I would never block you!!! O geez I hate it says that .I wish it said something else.

 

Your very welcome RFB..All I would have needed when I was so bad and so in the dark.Was someone to just say who been here.It ends.All of it.We Heal.We get better .Thats the most important.

 

I am counting on this to be true! 

You are an angel to stick around and help us. Thank you!!

[[no...]]

Checking in on you. Hope you are back to a more manageable level of this journey today. I so know how it wears you down. But you know, even if you lose faith...healing is STILL happening. It doesn't even need you to believe, which, in my case, we know is a good thing.

I am starting to doubt less though. All the weird symptoms that we have in addition to the head stuff...thats a total w/d package, not who we are without benzos. Its who we are right now while we heal.

You are NOT going to be in this place indefinitely. I am pretty sure of that now, I think you can be too.

Wishing you peace across the miles- S