Physical Symptoms Leaving...Mental Ones Getting Worse

[[...]]

It seems a lot of the nerve pain, back pain, feet burning, headaches, spine pain, and other physical stuff is slowly getting easier. I think they are anyway. But my mental stuff has been getting so much harder. My brain feels so tired and weak. I have more and more derealization, brain fog like concrete in my brain keeping me from thinking clearly, no memory, no concentration, horrible fear about everything for no reason, horrible boredom, and the worse depression imaginable. These are all causing me to obsessively think about everything and I can't stop and get out of my head because my brain can't do anything else. And thinking and worrying is giving me tons of anxiety which is causing horrible burning in my arms, legs, and shoulders the worse I worry.

 

Is the physical stuff leaving and mental stuff coming a good or bad sign. The mental stuff seems to be so much harder but I'd probably have said that if it were the other way around. I just hate being trapped in my mind and want out so bad. It drives me insane and I feel like in will never stop. And that somehow hurts worse than physical pain. The inability to think of anything but benzo withdrawal and being stuck forever.

 

Is this a next step or sign of getting better?

[[sm...]]

Coop-

I am right where you are.  The physical things have subsided, but the mental now is just so intense.  I am almost %100 percent this is a good sign, our brains working hard to recover.  I am two and a half months off and my memory is starting to come back and the brain fog is slllllooooowwwllly lifting.  "Cog fog" is very common, and trust me I know all about obsessive thoughts and feeling trapped in your mind.  I know how hard this is, but everything I read, and I mean everything says this is not permanent, this is all temporary and it will just take time.  I am here to chat if you need support, be strong, because from what I hear it is worth the wait to get to the other side. What I tell myself is, such a horrible feeling, yet a very necessary process in order to heal.  Such a bummer I know, but our lives are worth fighting for, truly.  Do you have much support?

Sarah

[[...]]

My wife is amazing support for me through this. My whole family is supporting me as much they can. It makes me depressed to be around my parents as I just want to be my fun loving self with them, but instead I cry to them for help when I'm bad. I try to spend time with them when I'm able and talk to them on the phone when it's better.

 

My brain is too weak to work right now and I have a hard time with all the fog and inability to think mixed with the worry, impatience, and boredom. It's torture. I long for those better moments so much. I hope they get better and longer soon. I need them desperately.

[[sm...]]

That is great, you are soooo lucky to have a wife right there by your side.  I am actually going through this somewhat alone, my family does not believe me that I have any w/d symptoms this far out and can be quiet harsh, so that is great to hear you have someone who will love you past this.  Trust me you will get your old self back, you just will, and then life will be so much more meaningful to you, and the time spent with your wife and family will just be overwhelming:)  I know this in my heart to be true, if you can just distract, distract, distract.  I love to knit in my bad moments, or watch a good movie, or get on the site and talk to people.  I know how hard it is to focus, but its good to push yourself and use your brain to build up that strength again, it is a muscle and it can heal.  Are you working or doing anything to distract right now? If you can remind yourself this is all normal, and you are healing, well then this process can be a smidge less painful.  Just think about your future, think about what it will be like to be healthy and strong, and how sweet that will taste:)  If you can project a great future, and know you will get there, this process will seem like it has a purpose and like you are working towards something, instead of this black hole that you will never come out of.  I am going to make a poster board of pictures and phrases that I want my future to look like.  Do you have kids?  If not do you want kids?  I have a daughter who is three, and because of all of this I have not been able to see her in three months.  I had to send her to live with her dad in another state because the w/d was so bad.  So, maybe start thinking about what things will look like "good," healthy, and healed.  Even medical science professes, there is no proof that benzo's can do permanent damage, that with time, people's cognitive function improves over time.  Time, time, time, just remember that is the key.  I know I have to have people remind me of this over and over and over, but it is true. 

[[...]]

When I get really bad I have trouble finding ways to distract. All I see is that black hole I'll never come out of. I need to keep reminding myself of what you said, to believe in that future and look forward to it. I try distractions but after 5 months in hell it's getting harder and monotonous.

 

Im 30 and just recently got married. I want kids so bad and Im so ready to get my life on track to move forward and start our family. I keep worrying I'll never get that and be stuck this way forever. I worry and worry and can't cope and make things worse for myself. If I can find that corner where things will start to stay tolerable I can ride out the rest, but I focus on the negative too much. I have to stay strong. I want my life back so badly. All my the life and good times we had planned have to still be there if I can just get through this.

[[sm...]]

I know in those moments it is very hard to distract, I myself had one of those moments just this morning, from the minute I woke up until about 1 or 2pm, there was just nothing I could do, so I watched some tv, I took a shower, and I just "allowed" it to happen. When I got to that place of allowing it to happen and not fight it so hard, and trust me I know how hard it is to NOT think there is something horribly wrong, but if in those moments you can practice breathing, and sitting and letting it happen, "FLOAT, DON'T FIGHT" and know this will pass, those moments can be lessons and a teacher to you.  I have found because of my lack of memory from the past or things that even happened yesterday, I am forced to be in the moment, my mind can not wander back to what has already happened, or what will be, but right now.  And as painful as right now is, we have to pay attention to it.  What lessons can we learn from this?  How about patience?  How about a completely new outlook on life, greater appreciation for our loved ones, maybe a greater appreciation for our mind and body, and clarity of thought.  I know in the first two weeks I could not listen to music because I love music so much and it moves me emotionally, that every time I felt anything it sent me into a panic. All I could feel was panic those first few weeks.  So, the first time I could listen to music and feel it again and enjoy it, I was just the happiest girl in the world.  I look at it as a heightened sense of perception. Literally our nerves are so raw that we feel things much more strongly, which can be viewed as a whole new experience.  I know this process can beat you down, but this is where we find out just how strong we really are.  After this, the strength you will have will be unbelievable.  You sound a lot like me and how I feel sometimes, and just like me, I need someone to shine a light in this darkness.  Remind yourself over and over, "my future is bright, my future is bright." Remind yourself of your good qualities, because although you "think" you aren't that person, you still are, and always will be, this is just the w/d messing with you.  I am 27, so I know how hard it can be because we are just starting our lives.  Not to say that this isn't hard for anyone else, but this is a good time to start learning those coping skills, in fact you are forced to stay calm and learn how to cope, because there is no other way, we can not just wig out right?  Because where would that get you....nowhere.  All of those plans are still there, and you absolutely can still have a family, what is five months or even a year off of your life?? If it means there will be another 50 or 60 left of absolute happiness right?  So maybe make that your goal....I am going to keep going because I want to meet my kids someday:)  I ALWAYS think about my little girl, and that she needs me, so even when I want to quit and call it good, I don't because if there is some chance that I come out on the other side of this, it will all be worth it, and I am willing to keep going to find out. While you are going through this have you looked into acupuncture or hypnotherapy?  Both are excellent tools to help heal the nerves faster, and also relax you enough and clear the mind so you can at least cope with the w/d.  I know how hard this is, but one moment at a time, thats all you have to get through.  If you can think, can I make it through the next hour, next minute, if the answer if yes, you will eventually get there.

[[sm...]]

Also, one thing that has helped me through this, I am not religious at all, but I love Joel Osteen.  I have been watching him since the day I started tappering, which suck enough was right around Christmas.  He just has such a positive demeanor and a great message, regardless of whether you believe in God or not.  His words of wisdom always give me hope.

[[...]]

I don't to church like I should, but I'm a strong believer and pray every night for me, my family, and all of you. I love your positive messages too. I really needed that.

 

We do sound very similar. The way you described music is exactly how I feel. I've always been a very artistic person and emotional especially about music and movies, but same with just conversation, friendship, and life. It's all so beautiful and moves me so much, but during ordeal I haven't felt that anymore and it really depresses me on all the things I used to love and can't enjoy the same. I miss them so much.

 

But just recently, after months of not being able to listen to music because of the same thing you described, I was able to listen and enjoy music again. Saw a couple movies that gave me those old feelings too. It didn't last long but it was a good sign and I can't wait to get more of that and finally get back there permanently.

 

I wish I could always be this optimistic. You have a very good positive outlook on this. If I weren't missing life so much, and not so bored, depressed, impatient, and fogged I'd always remember that, but I think reading this again will help.

[[sm...]]

Its nice to know that somewhere in the world there is someone feeling exactly what you are feeling, isn't that amazing?  Those are moments where you think, there is something much bigger than us:)  I love movies too, and felt the same thing like why can't I connect to this feeling or emotion?  It is devastating I know.  I want you to watch this movie, its called "Peaceful Warrior." Even if you can't connect to it, you will still get the message and learn something about yourself.  It could be a very positive thing for you in your difficult times.  And yes I know that feeling, thats why it is good to read over and over positive things, because we forget haha.  There can be some humor in all of this:)  Dig deep, find that strength.

[[sm...]]

Also, look into brainwave technology.  I don't know how well it will work since we are in w/d still, but it might help the process along.  Here is the site.http://www.immramainstitute.com/brainwave-technology-for-health-wellness/

I am currently doing acupuncture which has helped tremendously in this process, and I do hypnotherapy at night before bed, I have a cd I use.  This is the next step I want to try though, my brother said he met someone who did this who had ptsd and within a few sessions was completely better.  It basically retrains the brain.  Anyways I like to share the tools that help me in case it could help someone else:)

[[...]]

"Trapped in my own mind"

 

That's a pretty perfect description for how I was for a while. It's eased off a lot. For MONTHS, I had this feeling. I had these obsessive, intrusive thoughts--that literally wouldn't stop.

 

The specific form it would take, is I would get some thought in my head--typically dealing with when some person pissed me off---and then I couldn't stop thinking about it. When you're not in withdrawal, it's usually no big deal, you might come home and complain about your co-worker or boss for 15 minutes, then you eat dinner and watch TV and it's totally out of your mind.

 

Well, for the last few months, I was getting these thoughts (e.g., I hate my boss), and COULDN'T stop thinking about it. I would go to bed thinking about it, dream about it, and it would literally be my first conscious thought upon waking up. It was so horrible.

 

Is this similar to what you experience at all, Coop? I know it won't be exactly the same, but some variation of it? The gist of it was I was trapped in my own mind. It sucked, it sucked, it sucked. It even gives me the chills thinking about it.

 

Now for the good news--it has eased off a bit. Currently, I am a mix of my old rational self plus this obsessive anxious mess. It comes and goes throughout the day, but I am a LOT more grounded than I was a couple months ago.

 

So it's all just withdrawal, and it will go away. I still have these obsessive thoughts, but they're diluted now, they're better (props if you catch the True Romance quote, I read your wife's post that you love movies, haha, me too). I also still have an annoying symptom, of a song constantly playing in my head. Like any song I've recently listened to will be stuck in my head until I hear a new song. I know it sounds like no big deal but it's incredibly annoying. I believe it's stress related--I watched a documentary of a mountain climber, "Touching the Void," and after slowly climbing down a mountain (for days) with a broken leg, he described hearing a song in his head on repeat, over and over again. That's pretty much what happens to me. But I believe with time these symptoms will fade. Because they have improved with time. So with more time, more healing will occur.

[[sm...]]

Trig!!!!!Omg, I thought I was the only one!!!!!!I have these songs that repeat over and over and over in my head, almost constantly, if I am not doing something or distracted. Haha, that is reassuring that I am not going crazy.....isn't it funny how we all have some kind of really annoying thing that seems made just for us. 

[[...]]

Thank you both. I'll definitely look into the suggestions. I remember when peaceful warrior came out, but I never saw it. I will check it out. And true romance is one of our favorite movies. Love it! I also get songs stuck in my head. This happened before withdrawal too, but it seemed fun then. Now it makes me feel like I'm crazy sometimes and can be so annoying. The same thing with not remembering things before withdrawal. It was funny but now it makes my mind feel so weak and stupid. Like trying to think and remember too much hurts. I hate that. My intrusive obsessive thoughts seem to just be about withdrawal...I hate the pain and fog and I can't stop thinking I'll be this way forever and never be able to enjoy life again. It has to get better and go back to normal again.

[[sm...]]

Your most welcome Coop, be strong because there is a whole world out there that needs you!!!Just keep thinking about that bright future:) Before my w/d, I had severe anxiety, along with some physical problems as well which made the anxiety worse.  I was housebound before all of this, so I have been at this battle for about 4 years almost.  But, never once did I think, this is how it will be forever.  There has always been this hope, and feeling that life will turn out ok somehow.  So, we work with what we have now, and don't wish for it to be a certain way, different, or better, but how can we cope with what we are faced with right now, in this moment?  And more importantly, how can we learn to push through those feelings and still do what we love, even if it hurts right now.  Because who knows what tomorrow can bring, and how exciting to think that in a year from now, this will all be just a faded memory.  There are great lessons to be learned:)  The past few days has been pretty bad with the fog, and memory, especially after I eat for some reason, and it does not matter if I eat perfect or not, I just feel like shit, but in those moments you find some kind of strength you did not know you had.  Keep holding out for the moment of clarity, it will come in due time:) You will be just fine I know it:)

[[Bi...]]

I know in those moments it is very hard to distract, I myself had one of those moments just this morning, from the minute I woke up until about 1 or 2pm, there was just nothing I could do, so I watched some tv, I took a shower, and I just "allowed" it to happen. When I got to that place of allowing it to happen and not fight it so hard, and trust me I know how hard it is to NOT think there is something horribly wrong, but if in those moments you can practice breathing, and sitting and letting it happen, "FLOAT, DON'T FIGHT" and know this will pass, those moments can be lessons and a teacher to you.  I have found because of my lack of memory from the past or things that even happened yesterday, I am forced to be in the moment, my mind can not wander back to what has already happened, or what will be, but right now.  And as painful as right now is, we have to pay attention to it.  What lessons can we learn from this?  How about patience?  How about a completely new outlook on life, greater appreciation for our loved ones, maybe a greater appreciation for our mind and body, and clarity of thought.  I know in the first two weeks I could not listen to music because I love music so much and it moves me emotionally, that every time I felt anything it sent me into a panic. All I could feel was panic those first few weeks.  So, the first time I could listen to music and feel it again and enjoy it, I was just the happiest girl in the world.  I look at it as a heightened sense of perception. Literally our nerves are so raw that we feel things much more strongly, which can be viewed as a whole new experience.  I know this process can beat you down, but this is where we find out just how strong we really are.  After this, the strength you will have will be unbelievable.  You sound a lot like me and how I feel sometimes, and just like me, I need someone to shine a light in this darkness.  Remind yourself over and over, "my future is bright, my future is bright." Remind yourself of your good qualities, because although you "think" you aren't that person, you still are, and always will be, this is just the w/d messing with you.  I am 27, so I know how hard it can be because we are just starting our lives.  Not to say that this isn't hard for anyone else, but this is a good time to start learning those coping skills, in fact you are forced to stay calm and learn how to cope, because there is no other way, we can not just wig out right?  Because where would that get you....nowhere.  All of those plans are still there, and you absolutely can still have a family, what is five months or even a year off of your life?? If it means there will be another 50 or 60 left of absolute happiness right?  So maybe make that your goal....I am going to keep going because I want to meet my kids someday:)  I ALWAYS think about my little girl, and that she needs me, so even when I want to quit and call it good, I don't because if there is some chance that I come out on the other side of this, it will all be worth it, and I am willing to keep going to find out. While you are going through this have you looked into acupuncture or hypnotherapy?  Both are excellent tools to help heal the nerves faster, and also relax you enough and clear the mind so you can at least cope with the w/d.  I know how hard this is, but one moment at a time, thats all you have to get through.  If you can think, can I make it through the next hour, next minute, if the answer if yes, you will eventually get there.

 

Smuel, if you'd like to add a signature: Signature

 

Thank you.

[Guest [...]]

Smuel

 

You are very inspirational and encouraging because hell knows we need it thankyou.  Coop im with you on all of this constantly obsessed with the withdrawal constantly living in my head and i cant get out even my boys who i love dearly cant get me out of my constant obsession with myself and these symptoms.  What is the go with that.  Its so terrifying.

 

Lizzy