Keep feeling like I'm not gonna make it when it's so bad. And it's so bad a lot.

[[...]]

Lately the decent times have been way better, but the hard times have been much much worse. On better days it's still nowhere close to normal but most of the day it can be tolerable. The bad times though, I feel like I'm going insane and can't take another second of it. Don't know how I keep pushing forward through these times. The depression and fog and fear and obsessive thinking and no memory or ability to think flat out kill me. Seriously bad. But then when I'm good, these things aren't nearly as bad. But I'm only getting maybe a day a week where it's easier, then maybe 3 days of normal suffering and 3 days of unbearable suffering.

 

I don't know if it's signs of healing or if I'm just able to deal with it better at certain times. Mostly these better times are on a Friday or Saturday when my wife is around which makes me think I'm only better because I'm not as fearful or bored when she's there. But there are times during the week even when I'm one that it has cleared up some.

 

I don't know what to believe. I just feel like I'll never get better sometimes and all this fog, depression, boredom, and obsession is all something wrong with me. The benzo and withdrawal certainly started it, but now it feels like it's me and no matter how hard I try and cope it won't get better because I don't know how to stop.

 

I've been doing awful since Monday and just broke down and took my hydroxyzine. It's helped some, but I try to never take it. It just makes me feel like it's me and I need a drug to stop and it makes me think if it is just withdrawal it will keep me from getting better.

 

I need help.

[[cn...]]

Coop, you are doing a terrific job. You deserve a big pat on the back. Looking at your posts through a 3rd perspective... I wish you could see it. You've made a drastic change in my view.

 

You are now using words like "tolerable"  "been way better"  "deal with it better"  etc.

 

Look back at your posts from a few weeks ago.

 

I think you are making slow, yet steady improvement. Can't wait to read your posts a month from now. Hang in there bud.

[[pa...]]

Hi Coop,  I agree with CNOTR.  You are getting windows, then waves.  We found when there is a window, things are better, tolerable as you state.  Then when it changes, it's unbearable, that,s the wave.  Though read what CNOTR stated, go back and read your posts; the are night and day.  Due to getting windows like you are, your on the road to being healed.  Yes, next month Coop things will be so different and better.  Best to you and Mrs. Coop.  Patty

[[Ho...]]

I could have written this myself. You described me exactly. The suffering is still unbearable at times, but we have to just KNOW that it's going to pass. We can see it in the the windows, which you are getting. Today I feel like I have no access to my mind again, the brain fog is that bad. I also have a headache, fatigue, and an overall feeling of disorientation. But I'm still going to go out to dinner with someone, only because I had an amazing window yesterday and it gave me hope. We just have to keep living, keep on hoping.. Hang in there with me.

[[...]]

Thanks, cnotr and patty

 

When I'm in those better moments I would definitely agree with you, but when I start gradually getting worse and worse it tells me I know I'm never going to get better and I feel like I can no longer take it. But I somehow keep doing it.  And I'm only 14 days off so I guess that is also a good sign, but when I'm bad all mind wants to do is twist things around and come up with reasons why I'm doing better that will actually keep me from ever truly getting better and just make me believe that it's not withdrawal, it's me and it will never stop. And I think I am definitely able to make it worse and worse and worse with worries that I can't stop.

[[...]]

Thanks hollyms. I'm holding on for dear life but I will keep hanging in there with you.

 

This past weekend most of Friday and some oSaturday was bearable and even part of Sunday. Then it started becoming more normal suffering. Monday it really got bad and hasn't let up until just an hour ago after taking a hydroxyzine (antihistamine). Now I'm back to normal suffering. The last 3 days I've been crying, delirious, and fighting it and telling everyone I can't take it and it will never stop. I feel the antihistamine is keeping me from healing though, but I probably should have taken it Monday to prevent this nonstop suffering. When I get that bad, it seems like I just keep feeding it and it will never stop.

[[Br...]]

I understand how you feel. I am 2 1/2 months off and had no clue what I was experiencing was withdrawal. I thought I permanently damaged my brain and thought my body would never return. I still feel like that most days. I have an ugly laundry list of everything that is happening to my body and they all just scare me. Some things have gone off the list, but have been replaced with bigger ones. I have seen doctors which I don't trust anymore and they say I am okay. I am writing you so you know that I have bad days and I just try each day and go forward. Sleep comes and goes, but it seems like it is happening more and I am starting to have dreams which from what I understand is a good sign. I still wake up sweating which is hard. I miss having my body still and the days that I use to look forward to getting into bed. I hope they come back. I have found hope in this forum along with sadness. I hope things get better for you. Just don't go back on the meds!

[[pa...]]

Thanks, cnotr and patty

 

When I'm in those better moments I would definitely agree with you, but when I start gradually getting worse and worse it tells me I know I'm never going to get better and I feel like I can no longer take it. But I somehow keep doing it.  And I'm only 14 days off so I guess that is also a good sign, but when I'm bad all mind wants to do is twist things around and come up with reasons why I'm doing better that will actually keep me from ever truly getting better and just make me believe that it's not withdrawal, it's me and it will never stop. And I think I am definitely able to make it worse and worse and worse with worries that I can't stop.

 

No Coop, that's not how it works.  Your system will heal itself on it's own.  We all create more stress when the rough times occur, that does cause more stress on the cns.  Your proof, is when you have a "window"  you handle all better.  Why do you have a window, your cns kicks in, then because it's not healed it will rebound and go into a wave.  You are not causing the situation, the drug did and your system is going through the back and forth process to undo what the drug did.  Then you will heal completely.  It's a huge mind game dealing with it all.  Hang tough.  Patty

[[an...]]

hi coop,i feel the exact same way u do. I know exactly how u feel! U r not alone,i guess thats part of recovery, hang in there u will get well. Angel

[[Ra...]]

coop. you will beat it, I can tell. Hang in there. The first few weeks off (for me) are the worse and then hopefully you'll start to slowly feel better.

 

-RAD

[[sh...]]

I do wish you didn't have to deal with such terrible feelings but, such is withdrawal. My brain is fogged up today so, I don't have much else to type.

 

Hope things start improving for you 

[[...]]

FROM COOPS WIFE:

 

hi everyone,

 

thank you all for your support and advice.  there's nothing like hearing it from people that know and have been there.  it's very helpful to know that even people that don't know coop personally can tell from his posts that things have improved.  i think the fact that he showed so much improvement so soon after his taper that it got both our hopes up, maybe a little too much, which caused dealing with this particularly difficult wave even harder.  we both understand it comes in waves and windows - it's just hard not to get ahead of his recovery and think too much into these recent windows.  i have a theory, and it is as follows.....please feel free to chime in and give us your thoughts...........

 

i think he's starting to get more of his own thought process back.  I'm seeing pieces of his personality come back that i haven't seen since this road began back in September.  this was huge! 

my husband has always been a bit obsessive (although never to an extreme or in a manner that was to a fault - he just tends to outlet that obsession in his love (and massive collection) of music and movies). and he's always been a bit of an over thinker, as he was capable of thinking his way through or out of stressful situations without too much difficulty, although like everyone, he wasn't completely immuned to stress.  he's also always been a bit of an over planner, as he's always needed to keep busy in order to not obsess over being bored.  He always spent a lot of time with his friends and family and really enjoyed life and everything it had to offer.

i think on better days when he can process things a little more like his old self, he starts over thinking/planning and obsessing the way he used to only it's being taken to an extreme due to the withdrawal so even on easier days he convinces himself that he can "think" his way out of this, as if just being able to flip a switch in his mind and turn off the obsessive/intrusive thoughts would take away all the rest of his symptoms.  it just goes to show you that even things that were never considered a fault before can be used against you in withdrawal.  Not to even get into how your weaknesses can be used against you…..

 

anyway, I think early into his taper his brain was too foggy to even consider some of the things he does now, in terms of potential explanations or reasons why things get better then worse again.  I think a lot of his windows earlier in his taper had more to do with the physical symptoms as opposed to the mental or emotional symptoms.  So now it's to the point where he sometimes believes he feels so close to normal if he could just control this one thing (whatever it may be at the time) then the rest of the symptoms would just disappear.  However, the simple act of trying to control something that's ultimately controlling you just feeds the vicious cycle and tends to amp everything else up. 

 

I think what he needs to work on controlling isn't his side effects, but the way he handles the side effects.  I truly believe that sometimes there just isn't anything anybody can do but what a lot of you have said and that's to just ride it out.  To accept those thoughts/feelings/symptoms as a side effect of withdrawal and try to pass them off and keep up the distraction techniques instead of trying to fight off whatever it may be.  I think at times the brain will allow a certain amount of control, when He's more balanced, and when the balance is more off, there's nothing that can be done except wait it out.  And the latter makes it sometimes impossible to find help in the distractions that normally work out well.

 

On his good days, he'll say things like, if it could just stay like this, I'd know for sure I could handle it and get better or “I can tell I'm making progress or “I was really able to enjoy this movie/music

 

Then on his bad days, he discredits all those things mentioned above and says it only happened because of this or that and tries to take away what progress he was just able to recognize.  I just keep telling him that's the benzo fear talking. 

I repeat over and over to him that this isn’t your fear, this is fear caused by a drug induced chemical imbalance.  And that it’s not his fault and once his brain is balanced again he’ll realize all of this.  He sometimes lets this fear run his life and make predictions for his recovery and his future and he convinces himself that he cant get through it.  It terrifies me of what he could be capable of in this state of mind.  I cant even imagine how terrified he must be in this state of mind.  But I just remind him that it always passes and that he’ll get better.  Sometimes that’s enough but most of the times he just cries out “NOOO” or “I CAN’T” or “IT’S OVER” and balls up in tears and fear.  Sometimes this can last for hours and bleed into days.  I wonder sometimes if he’s fighting to control the wrong things, like trying to force things to stop that he cant control instead of accepting it as a side effect (and not the “new” him) and just passively trying to get through it.

 

He’s frustrated with the fog and mental dysfunction and I remind him that I believe it really is a defense mechanism and in a way it’s good that the days seem to sometimes blend together and makes it hard for him to tell when bad is worse and when bad is better.  The brain doesn’t want to recall details of a traumatic event like this so when he gets his life back, maybe this will all seem like a bad dream.  I also tell him that I think he cant recall old (pre-benzo) memories or cant take pleasure in things is because his brain is prioritizing and putting all those memories and emotions on hold while it struggles to find a balance.

 

I’m in no way trying to say this is how it is – especially since I’ve never been through it.  I’m just an outsider taking what I’ve gleamed off of others words of advice and putting it all in one place for him to reference when he needs it – and maybe help give someone a new or reiterate some kind of perspective.  It’s the only way I feel like I can help – and what I see as rational or reasonable to our situation may not be to someone else.  I don’t think this depression in withdrawal will cause my husband any harm – his will and determination to recover and get his life back has been proven to me over and over again.  But it never ceases to terrify me at the same time.  The way these drugs mess with your mind and put fear in the driver seat to rule all thoughts and emotions is absolutely horrifying.  I’m in no way trying to minimize his suffering or anyone else’s.

 

thanks again everyone.  my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[[sp...]]

Hey coop, I just want to say that this whole post, but this specifically, strikes me:

On better days it's still nowhere close to normal but most of the day it can be tolerable.

 

This is very different than what you were saying just a month ago. You have gone from saying "I can't tolerate this" pretty much every day, to saying it's "tolerable".

 

You're healing. You may not be able to see it because you're stuck in your own head, but as an outside observer of your posts, I see a positive trend.

 

You're going to be fine, and stronger for this.

[[ma...]]

To Coop & Coop's wife & everyone,

 

You all may have  saved my life today.

Its been so bad I thought I was going mad

& couldn't bear the horrific pain another minute.

Desperate thoughts.

You reminded me that this is "benzo withdrawal".

I keep forgetting.

Thank you.

margaretisabel

[[...]]

I'm really glad we could help. I wish I could always take comfort in my same thoughts and what my wife says, but when I'm bad nothing seems to help. Everyones words have saves me a number of times too and I'm so thankful.

 

I just wish I wasn't so impatient, bored, and so brain dead and I feel like I could cope much better. Those 3 things combined seem to make me go crazy to the point where the worry and anxiety feels like a slow painful death.

[[...]]

Coop, congratulations you are 14 days off.  This is the hardest time and having normal periods of time already is amazing, even tho it is fleeting.....  It is so very hard, and I completely understand.  I am off for almost 5 months and I can say that I feel better every week.  I have occasional setbacks, but nothing like the crazy interdose withdrawal and tapering symptoms!  Keep busy, stay out of your head when you can.

Hang in, you are making it!

Hugs, Skyy

[[re...]]

Thanks, cnotr and patty

 

When I'm in those better moments I would definitely agree with you, but when I start gradually getting worse and worse it tells me I know I'm never going to get better and I feel like I can no longer take it. But I somehow keep doing it.  And I'm only 14 days off so I guess that is also a good sign, but when I'm bad all mind wants to do is twist things around and come up with reasons why I'm doing better that will actually keep me from ever truly getting better and just make me believe that it's not withdrawal, it's me and it will never stop. And I think I am definitely able to make it worse and worse and worse with worries that I can't stop.

 

No Coop, that's not how it works.  Your system will heal itself on it's own.  We all create more stress when the rough times occur, that does cause more stress on the cns.  Your proof, is when you have a "window"  you handle all better.  Why do you have a window, your cns kicks in, then because it's not healed it will rebound and go into a wave.  You are not causing the situation, the drug did and your system is going through the back and forth process to undo what the drug did.  Then you will heal completely.  It's a huge mind game dealing with it all.  Hang tough.  Patty

Patty that was a great explanation. Thanks for sharing.