I just got my first hate email. (thought she was a friend)

[[Ca...]]

I just got an email that said.

 

Hi:  Today is the 8th anniversry of my Mum's death.  You have a Mum, chidren and a husband.  Do not waste it..................................

 

I am feeling really ticked at you right now, I do not have a Mother, or kids and barely a husband.................get a f***ing grip.

 

It really hurts, although now I know that she is hurting. I didn't know that she was having problems and besides, I really am in no position to help her. I'm struggling mightily.

Depression and no brain and agoraphobia. Crying a lot today. Going to walk and hope that it helps.

This sucks.

Carol

[[Th...]]

I'm sorry she lashed out at you. Just keep reminding yourself its about that's going on with her , not you. I've learned you have to put yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're drowning yourself. Take care of you. Hang in there.

[[Ca...]]

Thanks,

I know that I'm not up to helping anyone else at this time. Exactly what you said. I have to piece myself together and most people don't understand the depths that we are coming out of. I'd love to pull myself together with just those words "get a grip" wouldn't that be lovely.

I was already very depressed when I got up today and to see that email just put a darker veil on the day.

I know that benzobuddies would understand. this.

Thank you.

Carol

[[Mi...]]

Geddeca, what a hateful and hurtful thing for that person to say to you.  Mark that person right off your list as she obviously is not a friend.  Pick your self up and go forward and don't give it another thought.  She sounds bitter and negative and you don't need that in your life right now.  This does highlight the fact that no one who hasn't gone through this benzo hell understands what we are dealing with.  I sense this in my circle of friends too.  I have said "no" so many times, they are not asking as much any more.  Even my closest support people, as supportive and understanding as they are, can't fully understand and sometimes I sense a hint of impatience at how this dominates our lives right now.  But we will heal, we will get through this and go on with our lives, benzo free.  We can do this!  Sending you positive thoughts for healing.

 

MiniMinnie

[[os...]]

She´s obviously missing you and is self pitying, she´s probably completely unaware of what you are going through... but now is your time to think of YOU, by all means tell her you care, even apologize but don´t try and explain this one, nobody will ever get it at all... trying will only cause you distress... but by all means tell her you care... if she was not a friend she would not feel she could be like this, i know it´s wrong but others hurt sometimes too, try to forgive her... you mean more to her than she cares to admit, this is clearly evident and she´s feeling abandoned by you.

 

Oscar

[[el...]]

Hi Carol -

 

One thing I have learned through this is that we are not the only ones who miss us while we are in w/d. Other people also miss us. One of my best friends stayed in touch with me throughout this ordeal even though I could not speak with him for almost two years. He would call and talk to my wife.

 

Anyway, he went down hill over these two years - lots of difficult life circumstances. I am now in a condition and position to help him. Even though he could have used his friend over these two years, I was completely unable to help him. My point is that I had to get myself well enough so that I could be there for him later. I was completely selfish in that regard. Had I not been so selfish, I would still be in a horrible state and unable to help anyone. One day you will be able to reach out to your friend - when you are well enough. Sometimes in our absence, others have to “grow” and become stronger without us. 

 

Try not to let your brain throw you into a guilt trip or shame you. You have to get well before you can be who you want to be again. It will happen. Others just have to wait right along with us whether or not they understand what we are going through.

 

I have found that I am a better friend and human being having gone through w/d. They have gotten a “new and improved” me who is much more caring and sensitive than the “old” me. The same will be true for you. Just takes extra time, but the results are so worth it. 

 

eli

[[ta...]]

Hey Carol,

 

It's hard wondering what our friends' perceptions of us are.  I have found one of the most difficult things has been not being available to others, and yes they do tend to begin to distance themselves from us.  I read your post and just wanted to offer support and understanding - the responses you've gotten here are amazing.  Eli, you really put it so eloquently!  I have sometimes had real guilt-trips about my kids, but overall I have been really proud of how I've handled these last years, and believe they will be better for it too (even if I do miss those darn evening walks with them!).

 

Thoughts are with you, it totally does 'suck' in the moment, but with every cell of my being I KNOW we are ultimately going to be better, stronger, and more compassionate after all this.

 

Ellen

[[Ca...]]

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt/insightful/empathetic/ encouragement and advice. I was totally shocked by this email. I didn't even know that she was hurting so much.

I have been feeling guilt for my family... husband, and my mother. My dad died 2 years ago and I believe all that happened to me was as a result of trying to help my mother through her loss while going through menopause.

 

My husband said the same thing as eli1111. I'm hoping that when I find myself agian and feel stronger, that I will be a better more empathetic person. I wish I could do more but alas, this is where I am at this point.

Thank you all so much for helping me through this day. I am relying more and more on Benzobuddies.

I'm very grateful.

Carol

[[be...]]

This is a really painful experience for you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I would distance myself from her for awhile. Hopefully, she will realize how unkind she was and will seek forgiveness from you.

 

My Rx for you: Buy yourself some pretty flowers and enjoy them quietly at home.

[[re...]]

I just got an email that said.

 

Hi:  Today is the 8th anniversry of my Mum's death.  You have a Mum, chidren and a husband.  Do not waste it..................................

 

I am feeling really ticked at you right now, I do not have a Mother, or kids and barely a husband.................get a f***ing grip.

 

It really hurts, although now I know that she is hurting. I didn't know that she was having problems and besides, I really am in no position to help her. I'm struggling mightily.

Depression and no brain and agoraphobia. Crying a lot today. Going to walk and hope that it helps.

This sucks.

Carol

Is this email from someone you met here at Benzo Buddies?

If so, you must know everyone here is hurting.

If not, I'm a bit puzzled. Why post about it here?

Unless you're asking what we think about it. In that case,

I think this email may look worse to you than it really is, because you're in the condition you're in.

I don't see any hate in it. Clumsiness, certainly, since you don't have a Mother or kids. But hate? I don't see hate.

I see someone saying: Love them while you have them, because you'll miss them when they're gone.

I see someone in pain, reaching out for sympathy.

I see someone who probably sent out the same email to her whole mailing list.

Gauche, inconsiderate, and rude, maybe - but not hateful.

Don't be in such a rush to cut her off.

Feeling the way you feel during this withdrawal, it's better not be rush into any such decisions.

It's not as if there's some deadline to decide. Just let ride.

 

 

 

 

 

[[Ca...]]

Yes, perhaps not hate but hurtful non the less. No she is not a benzobuddy. A person who obviously is having her own issues that I knew nothing about. I haven't been in touch with very many people because of what I'm going through. It was her who contacted me. I wasn't asking her for anything, just keeping to myself.

I went for a long walk and now I think that I will reply to her with kindness.

I posted here because I was hurting and I wondered if anybody else has felt this kind of animosity towards you from someone who doesn't know what your going through. One of the most useful things that I am receiving from this forum is the knowledge that what I am experiencing is not unique to me. Others are going through this and others have come through the other side. Wiser and more empathetic.

You all are my support.

Thank you.

Carol

[[Im...]]

Redevan: I believe (correct me if I'm wrong) that the OP is the one who was being told to "get a f***king grip" because she DOES have family, while the letter writer feels angry that she doesn't. Is that right, Geddeca?

 

I know how easily I get disrailed by things that really are completely impersonal - a doctor saying something stupid, a poster saying something that comes off to me as dismissive and condescending, whatever. I recognize myself getting hurt and upset about things that have nothing to do with me, really. I can only imagine this must be a much more intense version of the same thing, and I really hope you are able to recognize it for an expression of someone else's problems, NOT your failings. However, I know how w/d makes that kind of objectivity so much harder!! Try to use some self-care techniques today if you can - flowers, hot baths, maybe get a message or watch a good (or terrible!) movie, whatever your indulgence is. Recognize that you are doing the best you can. Maybe it makes sense to think about whether you could have been more responsive or available to this person - but in many cases, for those of us in w/d, the answer is just NO - we have needed to deal with our own issues first. I hope this person is someday able to understand your situation, and I really hope you can find some peace in what must be a really painful day.

[[re...]]

I am feeling really ticked at you right now, I do not have a Mother, or kids and barely a husband.................get a f***ing grip.

 

Wait - I thought that comment was by gedecca. You mean that was in the email?

 

Well that's very different then.

Never mind what I said before.

 

If the emailer said that, she went way, way beyond rudeness.

Yeah, I would cross her off my list, if she said that.

 

Sorry. I thought that was gedecca's comment about the email.

 

[[Im...]]

I THINK that's what happened - the OP can clear it up I'm sure :-) Yeah, some people are crazy.

[[Ca...]]

Yes, she said it not me.

I have not yet replied. I believe that because this is an emotional day for her. (she also said this was the day of her mother's death),

On a positive note.. I was strong enough to call my mother today. I try to call her when I'm feeling that I can be positive on the phone.

I haven't seen my mom in 1 1/2 years because I have been in hell! Funny thing is, I am getting a grip like she told me to do. Although I'm not out of the hole yet, I'm doing my best. Mornings the depression is horrific and this email only made it harder.

I'm ok now. I will answer her shortly. Not blaming.

 

Very few people understand this w/d. They think it should be all better in a few months. Even my husband has his moments.

Thanks for the support.

Carol

[[an...]]

that was a real rotten e-mail,and i know how u feel becouse i have had rotten txts and e-mails sent to me while bein sick,from my own family! So for now on,i don,t bother with them,if i were u,i would delete her out of ur list and also delete her out of ur life!  I feel for u. The last thing we need is profanity like this!  Hope it gets better 4 u!  ((((hugs)))) angel

[[Ca...]]

Angel, Tks.  I just read your signature. I hope it gets better for you. I too am facing new phobias.

Even though I am 4 months off. I have many moments when I don't have the emotional energy to go into the store and buy something. I can walk there but the rest is very difficult.

I believe that there are people out there who have recovered after such a long time on benzos.

I constantly ask myself what my choices are and going back to that fog is not an option.

 

Thanks again for your support today. I needed it.

I'm strong enough now to reply with kindness for her situation. It sounds like it's not very good.

Carol

[[an...]]

Sure carol,anytime that's what were all here for,to support one another in this difficult journey. Love& lite. ((((Hugs)))) angel

[[Ca...]]

Well, I replied. Now I'm worrying about her response

 

Here is all that I said.

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I truly didn't know that you were trying to reach out to me for support.

I am very grateful for my family and my mother. I can only do what I am able to do right now.

Carol

 

 

[[an...]]

Good reply carol,u worded it very well. Angel

[[sa...]]

She´s obviously missing you and is self pitying, she´s probably completely unaware of what you are going through... but now is your time to think of YOU, by all means tell her you care, even apologize but don´t try and explain this one, nobody will ever get it at all... trying will only cause you distress... but by all means tell her you care... if she was not a friend she would not feel she could be like this, i know it´s wrong but others hurt sometimes too, try to forgive her... you mean more to her than she cares to admit, this is clearly evident and she´s feeling abandoned by you.

 

Oscar

 

Well put Oscar,

 

Geddeca,

I imagine you feel proud of your response. After reading the thread to see your desicion here, I'm impressed with your integrity. I'm with you. I get my feelings hurt easily, I dont know if it is a benzo thing or not, but I def understand. I was so pleased to read how you responded. Not like a doormat, you didn't shut her down, and you showed compassion, plus you didn't neglect her. Much applause !!

Sarah~

[[Im...]]

Geddeca, you responded with compassion and dignity, while still respecting and not apologizing for your own appropriately set and smart limits. In a similar situation, I would probably have been impulsive and angry and made the whole thing worse - kudos to you for your grace under fire!

[[Ca...]]

Thank you all for your advice, responses, support.

I definitely don't have any emotional energy for anyone else at this time.

 

Late last night I got an apology email. We will be leaving it at that.

Carol

[[an...]]

Anytime carol. Angel

[[Mi...]]

Gedecca you handled this sticky situation beautifully and with a lot of grace.  Much better than I would have done. 

 

MiniMinnie