I don't want this window to close...

[[Ho...]]

... and yet I know tomorrow it will probably be gone.  :'(

After all these years of horrific tolerance wd, and all these 9.5 months of actual wd, I've only gotten maybe THREE very short windows of what I might call normalcy. One was today, and I think it was only because I was due for it in my cycle (other women going through wd will understand). I do not feel like I'm healing AT ALL!!  I can't prepare myself for yet another MONTH of agony waiting for my cycle to come around again and my hormones to finally allow for a 1 or 2 day-long window, and then to start it all over again... what am I living even for then?

 

Sorry to sound so discouraged, I'm just venting, hoping you all will understand that that needs to be done every once in a while...

[[Ho...]]

So glad you are in a window Holly!  Try to focus on that positive.  I understand all too well about the cycle, but remember people say as the months go on things get easier and easier even during those difficult hormonal times.  Have a good day! 

 

Hope

[[pa...]]

Hi Holly,

 

I was on Klonopin, too - and the other day, I wrote ByByMatrix who had a success story from Klonopin after about a year.  He PM'd me back and said that right around a year, all of the cognitive and psychological symptoms kinda just left and that was it.  He had a few physical symptoms re-emerge for just a small bit after he posted his success story, but the psychological ones all just kinda left and were done. I think you are probably a lot closer to healing that you feel - and that these symptoms may just up and leave one day soon -like they did for him. I know how you feel. The longer I get in this process, the more I heal, the more "off" things tend to seem - but I think that's because they actually HAVE improved - and my conscience knows "this isn't quite right".  Hang in there with me.  I have had other buddies tell me on PM that this "not right" feeling was a huge sign of healing and was the part that happened before the fog and dr really lifted. So- if you're feeling at all like this, take heart.  It may not feel like we're healing, but we really are. 

:)Parker

[[re...]]

Hi Holly,

 

I was on Klonopin, too - and the other day, I wrote ByByMatrix who had a success story from Klonopin after about a year.  He PM'd me back and said that right around a year, all of the cognitive and psychological symptoms kinda just left and that was it.  He had a few physical symptoms re-emerge for just a small bit after he posted his success story, but the psychological ones all just kinda left and were done. I think you are probably a lot closer to healing that you feel - and that these symptoms may just up and leave one day soon -like they did for him. I know how you feel. The longer I get in this process, the more I heal, the more "off" things tend to seem - but I think that's because they actually HAVE improved - and my conscience knows "this isn't quite right".  Hang in there with me.  I have had other buddies tell me on PM that this "not right" feeling was a huge sign of healing and was the part that happened before the fog and dr really lifted. So- if you're feeling at all like this, take heart.  It may not feel like we're healing, but we really are. 

:)Parker

 

I keep hearing this too. The year watermark is a good turning corner. For some its 13-14 months out but its in the ball park. Hang in there. There is lots to live for. I often think of Chris Reeves, and how he had to cope with a life that he knew would never change. At least we have the hope that our receptors will heal and we will one day be back to normal.

 

I know it is a tough road. I have been kicking and screaming too. But, one stubborn foot in front of the other. Keep going. You are closer to healing than you realize.

[[WT...]]

Hi Holly,

 

I was on Klonopin, too - and the other day, I wrote ByByMatrix who had a success story from Klonopin after about a year.  He PM'd me back and said that right around a year, all of the cognitive and psychological symptoms kinda just left and that was it.  He had a few physical symptoms re-emerge for just a small bit after he posted his success story, but the psychological ones all just kinda left and were done. I think you are probably a lot closer to healing that you feel - and that these symptoms may just up and leave one day soon -like they did for him. I know how you feel. The longer I get in this process, the more I heal, the more "off" things tend to seem - but I think that's because they actually HAVE improved - and my conscience knows "this isn't quite right".  Hang in there with me.  I have had other buddies tell me on PM that this "not right" feeling was a huge sign of healing and was the part that happened before the fog and dr really lifted. So- if you're feeling at all like this, take heart.  It may not feel like we're healing, but we really are. 

:)Parker

 

This is very encouraging.

[[...]]

Hi Holly,

 

I was on Klonopin, too - and the other day, I wrote ByByMatrix who had a success story from Klonopin after about a year.  He PM'd me back and said that right around a year, all of the cognitive and psychological symptoms kinda just left and that was it.  He had a few physical symptoms re-emerge for just a small bit after he posted his success story, but the psychological ones all just kinda left and were done. I think you are probably a lot closer to healing that you feel - and that these symptoms may just up and leave one day soon -like they did for him. I know how you feel. The longer I get in this process, the more I heal, the more "off" things tend to seem - but I think that's because they actually HAVE improved - and my conscience knows "this isn't quite right".  Hang in there with me.  I have had other buddies tell me on PM that this "not right" feeling was a huge sign of healing and was the part that happened before the fog and dr really lifted. So- if you're feeling at all like this, take heart.  It may not feel like we're healing, but we really are. 

:)Parker

 

I think I agree with this...like the more we heal, the worse we feel because we become more conscious of our limitations...It's like playing the lotto...if you get 5 numbers correct out of 6, you get more disappointed than if you only guessed 1 correctly, right?

 

Actually my brain fog and visual DR and long-term memory issues have lifted for me, but now I'm a lot more aware of what's still wrong with me: it's the agitation/anger, intrusives and anhedonia that are SO NOT ME!!!!!!!

[[Ho...]]

Parker, I love what you said. I hope that is what's going on with me! When I started this whole thing, I really thought I would be completely healed by 12 months. We all know how that goes though.

Last night my sleep was pretty bad again (it's always bad, but this time even trazodone didn't work). And I have a little of that weird thumb tremor back today. But I'm trying to keep my hopes up.

 

Holly

[[pa...]]

Holly - you may STILL be healed by 12 months.  Actually - even if you aren't "completely" healed by then, I"m sure like me, if you see the most troubling symptoms go by then, you will be able to weather the rest just fine.  It looks like you have 2 1/2 more months until you are a year. A LOT of healing goes on in almost 3 months!  Hang in there! You are probably closer than you think.

 

I laid in bed this morning, and I realized, I felt JUST like I did in a bad hangover.  Hearing off - cog fog- a little dizzy - not "right'. But then I realized that this, while terrible, is what I felt like in college if I drank WAY too much. I would wake up with these same symptoms. The difference was, in a few hours, it was gone.  But it was JUST like this.  Ironically - in those days, before benzos, it only took a few hours for GABA to right itself. 

 

This process acted on GABA receptors JUST like alcohol does - only, since we took these drugs every day, we had a lot more damage to repair. Still - just because you feel this way at 9 months off doesn't mean it can't change pretty rapidly, just like a hangover clears rapidly the next day - in the course of hours.

 

The symptoms aren't necessarily a good "tell" of where you're at. You may be very close - and I'm willing to bet that you'll be very different at 12 months than you are now.  Hang in there.  You never know how close you actually are.

 

:)Parker

[[WT...]]

Holly - you may STILL be healed by 12 months.  Actually - even if you aren't "completely" healed by then, I"m sure like me, if you see the most troubling symptoms go by then, you will be able to weather the rest just fine.  It looks like you have 2 1/2 more months until you are a year. A LOT of healing goes on in almost 3 months!  Hang in there! You are probably closer than you think.

 

I laid in bed this morning, and I realized, I felt JUST like I did in a bad hangover.  Hearing off - cog fog- a little dizzy - not "right'. But then I realized that this, while terrible, is what I felt like in college if I drank WAY too much. I would wake up with these same symptoms. The difference was, in a few hours, it was gone.  But it was JUST like this.  Ironically - in those days, before benzos, it only took a few hours for GABA to right itself. 

 

This process acted on GABA receptors JUST like alcohol does - only, since we took these drugs every day, we had a lot more damage to repair. Still - just because you feel this way at 9 months off doesn't mean it can't change pretty rapidly, just like a hangover clears rapidly the next day - in the course of hours.

 

The symptoms aren't necessarily a good "tell" of where you're at. You may be very close - and I'm willing to bet that you'll be very different at 12 months than you are now.  Hang in there.  You never know how close you actually are.

 

:)Parker

 

I absolutely love your posts, Parker!

[[Ho...]]

Holly - you may STILL be healed by 12 months.  Actually - even if you aren't "completely" healed by then, I"m sure like me, if you see the most troubling symptoms go by then, you will be able to weather the rest just fine.  It looks like you have 2 1/2 more months until you are a year. A LOT of healing goes on in almost 3 months!  Hang in there! You are probably closer than you think.

 

I laid in bed this morning, and I realized, I felt JUST like I did in a bad hangover.  Hearing off - cog fog- a little dizzy - not "right'. But then I realized that this, while terrible, is what I felt like in college if I drank WAY too much. I would wake up with these same symptoms. The difference was, in a few hours, it was gone.  But it was JUST like this.  Ironically - in those days, before benzos, it only took a few hours for GABA to right itself. 

 

This process acted on GABA receptors JUST like alcohol does - only, since we took these drugs every day, we had a lot more damage to repair. Still - just because you feel this way at 9 months off doesn't mean it can't change pretty rapidly, just like a hangover clears rapidly the next day - in the course of hours.

 

The symptoms aren't necessarily a good "tell" of where you're at. You may be very close - and I'm willing to bet that you'll be very different at 12 months than you are now.  Hang in there.  You never know how close you actually are.

 

:)Parker

 

 

Very good explanation. I've always wondered if healing happened quite suddenly, or if it was all such an incredibly slow process that you barely even notice it happening. I think that prospect is what discourages me so much... if it truly is so slow, then I must have a looonnng way to go. But maybe you're right, maybe it will be sudden. I hope so!!