Unfunctional again at 9 months off

[[Ho...]]

Help me guys, I am so depressed, exhausted, afraid... just so tired of trying to make it through this. I'm going through a very scary wave right now that, long story short, is making it impossible to even interact with people anymore. I've been pretty much bedbound for the past week. I can only stand to leave my room for an hour or two before I become too overwhelmed and have to return. I just feel..... very sick in the head is the only way to describe it. I feel like a crazy person.  I cannot see myself getting better. I know I have to be off drugs to heal, but at the same time every night I still have to take trazodone or I will not sleep. I feel like I wasn't made for this world because I can't function in it. Everything is so surreal right now. 

[[ro...]]

Hi Holly:

 

You have come so far and accomplished a very big thing!!  Being benzo free is not an easy task!  I'm giving you a huge applause!!

... and you've done well in your studies!!

 

I'm getting out in the sun daily now without sunblock and generating that "feel good" vitamin D.  It's helped my spirit, energy, and sleep.  Please try to get out in the sun for a walk around the block or something.  I know in my heart you will heal and be well once again!

 

Tomorrow can wait but today is in sight. 

 

Best regards to you,

Rocko

 

[[re...]]

Sorry you are suffering so much right now. if it is any consolation I am becoming housebound again. I was out and about in the world, not feelng great but I was functioning. I have to think that these deep dark waves are the brain's way of doing some deep repair work. I hope that is the case! 

 

Zoe reassures me that we do heal, no matter how sick we are. We both have to hang in there. Ok??

It will get better, even though we are afraid it will not.

 

 

[[Ho...]]

Thanks Roco and Recovering. I will try to make myself get outside into the sun but there is definitely no sun today... it just started pouring rain. Sorry I can't think of much more to say.. I feel like I'm in  a dream, my mind is that hazy. Whenever I try to think of something I just end up zoning out.  I feel brain damaged.

[[ji...]]

Right there with you holly at 8 months off. Not sleeping at all even on that stupid trazadone that I can't get off of. I feel very mentally ill as well.

[[Pr...]]

I feel like I wasn't made for this world because I can't function in it.

 

Funny you should use those words bc I went through a wave last week where I kept repeating that exact thing - "I wasn't meant to live. I was born to die" over and over and over in my head. It MUST be a sx.

 

I know your pain, Holly, believe me. These past 3 weeks - well they just take the cake out of all the time I've been off benzos. I am only 2 months off my antidepressant so I am clinging to hope. Before I tapered my a/d though, with hindsight I'd say I turned a very important corner around my tenth or eleventh month. At that point I'd been suffering badly for 3 months from what seemed to me like adrenal fatigue. The worst of it was the Fear and the anxiety (notice the capitalization). I'd say your situation sounds similar and we aren't very far apart in age either, I think.

 

I feel that the past few weeks for me are the same as those 3 months last year only far more intense. I have been trying to do things that will help my adrenals. I know I can't fix them, but perhaps I can support their healing. Like drinking green smoothies, eating raw carrots and apples daily, taking fish oil and getting to bed at 10 because those hours before midnight at the most precious for the adrenals, even if you wake up later on. It's worth a try, I guess but it's difficult when you just want to lie in bed and do nothing for yourself. Every day I force myself to shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair. Peeling a danged carrot is a big deal for me. We just keep going through the motions but eventually it will be worth it I think.

[[br...]]

So sorry, Holly. We all know how you feel. You WERE absolutely made for this world, though. You'll see that again soon.

 

I had a few better months and am also in a bad wave. Very odd... a lot of us are getting hit with waves around 8-10 months out, it seems.

 

But, it also seems that most people after this time-frame seem to show real signs of getting back to normal. So, hold out... you know

you're going to get better, logically. Let the negative stories play in your head if they want to... but remember they're just a bluff.

It's your mind trying to protect you when in reality, you can handle this and will come out on top. Our brains don't always do the best job

of making us feel well. Just try to let the stories come and go. They're not reality.

 

[[jr...]]

Hi Holly-I am 8 months out and have been in a terrible wave for the last month or so.  I am starting, just a little bit, to feel it lift.  I hope it lifts for you soon.

[[Fl...]]

Holly,

 

Late in my first year off I hit a few stumbling blocks that really knocked me back for a period of time. It's important to remember that you have seen progress before and you will see progress again.

 

Despite a couple of breaks I got along the way I spent a lot of time questioning whether or not I was ever going to heal. As time went by and I saw more progress it became easier and easier to believe, but I know all too well the feelings that come back to haunt you when you are in a wave. Problem is it isn't just the fact that you are feeling bad that makes you question your healing. It is also the drug wd that is still influencing your rational thought process.

 

Hope you feel better soon 

[[re...]]

Holly,

 

Late in my first year off I hit a few stumbling blocks that really knocked me back for a period of time. It's important to remember that you have seen progress before and you will see progress again.

 

Despite a couple of breaks I got along the way I spent a lot of time questioning whether or not I was ever going to heal. As time went by and I saw more progress it became easier and easier to believe, but I know all too well the feelings that come back to haunt you when you are in a wave. Problem is it isn't just the fact that you are feeling bad that makes you question your healing. It is also the drug wd that is still influencing your rational thought process.

 

Hope you feel better soon 

 

 

I needed to read this too. Thanks for reminding us all. Glad you are better.

[[Ho...]]

Oh boy!  Posts like this are so discouraging.  I haven't been able to function in almost 8 months.  I can't even run an errand on my own and find it incredibly uncomfortable with the help of my husband. I am 6.5 months off and was holding on to hope that I would find some relief in the coming months.  No such luck I guess!  How can this process possibly be so hard?  It feels like a bad dream, like there is no way it can be reality.  I am so sorry you are all suffering as much as I am.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I pray we all experience some real healing in the near future.  I guess we have to keep reminding ourselves it is temporary, no matter now long that temporary state may be.  Hang in there everybody!

 

Hope

[[sm...]]

Hello darling-you will survive this, don't break now you're almost there. Just keep fighting the fight and before you know it you will be fully healed.  Don't give up this is close to the end!!!! From what I know, there are always setbacks in this recovery process but it always gets worse before it gets better.  You have come so far, its like the other post said, our worst moments are when are body is doing some deep healing.  You were meant to be here and you will recover.

Sarah

[[WT...]]

Hang tight.  I was in a wave that began in early Feb, and lasted until just a few days ago.  I'm 7.5 months off, and during that wave, I thought it was the end of me.  After the wave let up, and it let up suddenly, I have felt better on average than I have my entire w/d. 

[[Ho...]]

wtbna - I believe you are right, since all my other waves have brought great improvement in symptoms overall once they finally let up. I better be feeling FANTASTIC after this one then lol.

 

 

Hope4444 - don't let my experience discourage you. There are so many variables to take into account that no one should be compared to another person. I am known to experiment with supplements, perhaps one of those caused this for me. Perhaps not, who knows. There is no reason to assume you will have a wave just like this at 9 months out. I hope you feel better.

 

 

 

 

[[Ho...]]

I hope everyone is right, that I WILL eventually be completely healed, but honestly, right now I do not think that. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel physically possible for me anymore. withdrawal really knows how to manipulate our mind I guess!

[[re...]]

Well Holly, I have to ask the obvious question. Do you think the trazodone has anything to do with this? Have you talked to your doctor about possibly tapering off trazodone, or switching to some other med? I know it's an antidepressant. I know you take it to sleep. I also know not every a/d is right for everyone, and every med has side effects. Not everything that happens during benzo withdrawal is caused by benzo withdrawal alone. I think you should look into this, if you haven't done so already. Wishing you the best. Evan.

[[...]]

I hope everyone is right, that I WILL eventually be completely healed, but honestly, right now I do not think that. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel physically possible for me anymore. withdrawal really knows how to manipulate our mind I guess!

Same here Hollyms, same here

[[Ho...]]

Well Holly, I have to ask the obvious question. Do you think the trazodone has anything to do with this? Have you talked to your doctor about possibly tapering off trazodone, or switching to some other med? I know it's an antidepressant. I know you take it to sleep. I also know not every a/d is right for everyone, and every med has side effects. Not everything that happens during benzo withdrawal is caused by benzo withdrawal alone. I think you should look into this, if you haven't done so already. Wishing you the best. Evan.

 

Evan, yes I have considered this a lot. I don't know if the trazodone is causing any problems, or if it's all simply benzo wd, or what. But if I don't have something strong to knock me out I will not sleep. And then the next day my symptoms are so much worse becuase of the lack of sleep. I've tried everything else under the sun to get to sleep and for some reason the only thing that works is trazodone. There is nothing I would love more than to simply be able to fall asleep without it. But I don't know how.

[[re...]]

Well, Holly, you're a sweetheart and you don't deserve this. Always remember that. Some people get hit by buses. Others get hit by benzos. God knows why bad things happen to good people. But you'll get well. A lot of people have reported a bad time at 7 months, then a big improvement after that. So hang in there. If I come up with some brilliant idea to help you sleep, I'll let you know. Have you tried watching The Antiques Roadshow? That always puts me right to sleep.

[[Pr...]]

I'd say take it easy with the Traz. Getting off my a/d did a number on me and I was much further along when I decided to taper. A lot of people here end up on Traz after a benzo taper, I've noticed that. Am thinking specifically of jittery and sunny71 right now. Sunny is like 18 months off now and I know she's just started her Traz taper.

[[ba...]]

Are you taking other meds or supplements,  ie beta blockers linsiprol?

[[Ho...]]

I take a few supplements that I've been taking since the beginning of wd without any problems. I did try Relora which someone then told me is bad but I don't know if it's what caused this. The only other med I take regularly is trazodone and I take ibuprofin quite a bit for the nerve pain too.

[[el...]]

I have been in a bad wave since Feb.I just cant believe it hit at 7 months out..Back to 22hrs without sleep also...New symptoms feel like soar ribs,tight muscles,pelvic bone pain,heart pounding..I feel like my head is inside the Liberty Bell and someone is ringing it.Just a bunch of really crazy stuff..

[[Ho...]]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Holly!  How often do you take Ibuprofen?  I only ask because I know there was a member who was taking NSAID's for pain quite frequently. When she stopped she immediately felt almost 100% after only 2 months of being off benzos.  She had been suffering pretty badly prior to stopping the NSAID's it sounds like.  It may be worth cutting out to see if it makes a significant difference.  Wouldn't that be awesome!  Maybe you could try Tylenol instead?  I hope you feel better soon! 

 

Hope

[[Ho...]]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Holly!  How often do you take Ibuprofen?  I only ask because I know there was a member who was taking NSAID's for pain quite frequently. When she stopped she immediately felt almost 100% after only 2 months of being off benzos.  She had been suffering pretty badly prior to stopping the NSAID's it sounds like.  It may be worth cutting out to see if it makes a significant difference.  Wouldn't that be awesome!  Maybe you could try Tylenol instead?  I hope you feel better soon! 

 

Hope

 

I will try that. There was a time when I was taking them every day for a while. I didn't know what else to do for the pain, and there was no way I could just live with it. Nowadays I take them probably 3 times a week. I don't think Tylenol works as well for the nerve pain but I will try it. Take care