anxiety is HELL- started benzos again after 3 weeks... suffering. HELP!

[[be...]]

Been a while since I posted but I'm a mess here!  I have had terrible insomnia, and i do finally fall asleep at four, but the kids wake me up around 6 or 7, and it makes my anxiety so bad!!!!  I keep having tightness in my throat,,, a thick stickky feeling in my mouth  (post nasal drip, maybe?)  and lots of shortness of breath.

 

Also, out of the blue, my heart races, I get a hot flush all over and feel like i'm gonna pass out.. It's awful,,,, sooooooo i broke down and am now taking .25 of clonazepam as needed for these symptoms..

 

i just don't know what else to do.  I am barely functioning.. can hardly take care of the kids without their daddy's help..... i feel like such a loser..................... i keep having panic attacks at work and had to miss a day just last week due to going to the ER for what i thought was 'for sure'  a heart attack.....

 

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this before i lose my job... or my life..............................  I want to feel normal again................ should I reinstate, and switch over to valium, and then taper slowly?   

 

i detoxed at a 12 day detox thing off ativan (using clonazepam to taper) and was fine for about 3 weeks.. then i started popping clonazepams again when i get those icky anxiety symptoms..

 

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rambling, but i'm in distress here.... I"m still wide awake, I feel like I can't breathe, my throat is tight and sticky, and my kids are gonna wwake me up in like 5 hours and i got NO sleep yet................... how can i take care of them tomorrow???

I wanna scream... I hate how my body is betraying me................

 

ANy ANy ANYYYYYY advice?      thanks so much!

[[be...]]

lol... guess my username doesn't fit my situation anymore!!!!!!!!!    sigh...........

[[pa...]]

Hi BenzofreeRN...  You need to post your signature if you haven't prior, to let the Admins know what you have been taking, dose, how long.  You seem to be up and down taking this drug and that's not the way, and that's why you are going through what you are experiencing.  Please reply with your signature in detail on this, or just reply to this post so we can get the ones to guide you.  Pattylu

[[jr...]]

Hi-I am also a medical professional, and have worked in detox and rehab.   I can't really give you any advice on what to do about a taper as I c/t, but I have been where you are and I know it is really difficult.  I can only tell you that everything will improve with time.  I am about 8 months out and I feel I am about 50% healed, but my lingering symptom has been anxiety and now some depression.  I am sure someone here will be able to help you out with better advice.  Hugs,  Jenn

[[ea...]]

If you going through hell keep going! I remember feeling so bad that I thought I was going to die and said to myself either I kill this addiction or it kills me so be it. Remember even though you feel terrible this is your body trying to heal itself. If you can take time off work and away from other stresses do so. You have come along way don't give up! In my prayers 

[[Ho...]]

I have experienced every single symptom you mentioned. I know it is worse than hell, but you will make it, I promise, just have to keep moving forward...

[[Ho...]]

Hi benzofreeRN,

 

pattylu is right. If you're taking a dose when needed you're really mixing your brain up and this will cause symptoms to be more intense.

 

I know it's hard. I know these symptoms can be unsettling but the only way out is to stay the course and stop taking the meds and let your brain heal.

 

Remember, what you're feeling are just sensations. They wont hurt you. The worst that's going to happen is that you'll feel discomfort. You're not going to die. My best advice is to try to distract yourself as much as possible. I find writing in my journal helps me, or watching TV or listening to an audio book. Try anything that will take your mind off your symptoms.

 

I know this is all easier said than done, especially when you have children but do the best you can. That's all you can do.

[[La...]]

I know how awful the feeling of the tightness in your throat feels and tbat trouble breathing, I am not S.O.B.but have the sensation of not being able to take a deep breath. It is a horrible feeling but I just keep telling myself I am breathing and this is not life threatening, it just feels that way, it helps me keep going. Right now i am off work for an unrelated illness , I just cant imagine working through this as the insomnia is unrelenting and I am still tapering. I hope you find the strength to keep going and try to remember you are getting enough air and this will not physically harm you! take care Ladygrace

[[Le...]]

Ladygrace12,

  You caught me experiencing some anxiety/panic attack this morning. My brain feels like it is on a turntable and I feel completely sick. I am two months in and feel like I just got off a merry go around. I get scared to drive and I wake up every morning feeling like I wait for this to start. I pray every night before I go to bed that this process hurry's up and I even have a bottle of pills in my car that I REFUSE to take! (I need to get rid of them) This is hell but not something I can afford to go through again if I reinstate. I read all the horror stories on this forum and it makes me wonder how long till I heal. I was only on the pills for a 10 to 12 months but on 2 mg Xanex. This is completely unbelieveable but it is a path we have to get through. This feels like a nightmare everyday. It makes me terribly consider things I have never considered before and then I pray to get through them. It's funny because I am so afraid to die but going through this makes me feel like I want too. God has shown me that I need to call on him because taking my life is his decsion and not mine. I have started reading, Worse then Heroin in hopes to find some hope in tihs person's story. The doctors here in the states look at you like you have three heads when you even suggest that Benzo withdraw is what your experiencing. I am at a loss because I had a brief window a week and a half ago and then everyday after that has been terrible. This post caught me and made me feel a bit better. Praying for you  Ladygrace12

[[Mi...]]

Hi benzofreeRN,

 

I am sorry you are suffering this way.  These benzos wreak havoc on our bodies and in our lives.  The only way out is to go through withdrawal and then the recovery period to allow your brain and CNS to heal.  It will be hellishly difficult but that is what you must do.  Taking "rescue" doses often causes even more severe symptoms, as you have discovered.  I too had periods of wheezing, shortness of breath and the feeling as though my airway was closing off.  That's a very scary feeling, but believe me it isn't life threatening and it will pass.  I too am an RN and I don't see how you can work and have sick people in your care while you are suffering so much.  That is such a stressful job in and of itself even when nothing else is going on in life.  I could not do it.  Can you take a leave or quit for a period of time while you are healing?  I know you can't quit being a mother.  You are taking care of so many others when you are hurting and have very little to give.  It is important for you to focus on your recovery.  This is a physically, mentally and emotionally debilitating illness for many until we heal.  Keep posting!  We understand and we care.  I am sending positive thoughts your way, energy for hope and help and healing.

 

MiniMinnie

[[be...]]

thanks for all the support and suggestions everybody!!!!

 

And, Mini,,,,,, as an RN, i am only working part time, 2 days per week right now, and I work at a Drug/Alcohol Rehab (ironic, eh?)  The 'work' itself isn't so bad.. It's pretty routine, I basically do an intake interview, take vital signs, write up orders and kardexes, etc... and hand out occasional meds, etc...

No heavy lifting or dealing with real sick clients where I work.... My problem is just being able to GET to work and STAY there...... when i get my attacks, I feel so dizzy and light headed taht i have to leave the room and can't continue my shift..........

I really hope I can get better..

I want to live without benzos,,,,,,but the withdrawal/anxiety symptoms I'm feeling  seem so unrelenting................................and I KNOW that taking the benzo is just a temporary fix, like a band-aid, but I can't seem to help it.

I've had anxiety/panic disorder since age 11, and i'm 31 now!    Is there light at the end of this tunnel?

[[Mi...]]

Hi again BenzofreeRN,

 

Sounds like you have a dream job!  LOL.  My experience is all in Critical Care and I KNOW I couldn't handle that and go through these benzo issues too.  Your job sounds like very low stress for an RN.  YES there is light at the end of this tunnel.  It will take a consistent approach coming off the benzos and then letting time pass as your brain and CNS heals in recovery.  Staying on them and having tolerance withdrawals can create the anxiety. There is no way to sugar coat the things we have to face, but we can get through them and things will get better.  Hold on!  Hugs.

 

MiniMinnie