what is this, guys?

[[no...]]

I dont even know if I can explain this. Hoping someone, recovered, farther along, moderator, can shed some light. Here at six months, had a few good days a week ago, not many windows. Here's whats going on now.

My biggest problem is obsessive thinking. I had this tho before benzos. Now it is taking over my life. I have constant thoughts about anxiety. They are mostly centered on what if this is me not w/d, oh, I feel so bad, how will I get to class, what if I can't do my job, what if I end up crazy, in a hospital...etc. I amp myself into a fear frenzy.

I am improving as far as cognitive function, dizziness, all the physical w/d symptoms. I can feel an underlying "me" there at times, but the fear thoughts never let it surface. It is like when I feel better, I am scared of the not feeling fear, and my thoughts create it.

I feel like I have irreparable damage to myself, like I have now this full blown OCD craziness, and since there are no other w/d symptoms, this is me, and I have to medicate it to deal with it.

I fight the thoughts of "I can't cope, I'm too scared" daily as I drive the 50 miles to work, as I interact with people, go to grad classes, and am out and about. I fight thoughts of what if I become totally housebound, cannot bear this anymore.

I had to post this this morning, as on my drive in I was close to turning around and going home....but that wouldn't stop the fear. I am so worried that this is so strong so far out. almost gaining momentum as other things get better.

ANY perspective or help very much appreciated. No one else to even try and explain this to.

thanks-susan

[[Sc...]]

Hi NorthofHere,

 

I think in all honesty, this seems to be really normal.  I've noticed a real trend of members around the same mark as you who are finding the OCD thinking is very strong.  I know that I "peaked" at 6 months with many of my s/x - including OCD thinking.  I am having another rise of it again right now at 7.5 months, however not AS intense.  I remind myself quite often that we should not assume we have an issue such as OCD or depression while still healing from Benzos.  My counsellor I visited often during my taper (who was VERY benzo wise), said that the first 6-24 months is a time when things can really be "up and down".  She said that you can be feeling quite confident and strong and then suddenly it all takes a turn for the worse...only to get better again days or weeks later.  That's why so many refer to this as a roller coaster ride.  Lots of ups and downs with many bumps in the road - but eventually those bumps become smaller and smaller. 

 

The obsessive thinking is SO hard as it can really take over our quality of life.  I do a lot of self talk - A LOT - during the flare ups of OCD.  I tell myself and even write it out over and over that this is just w/d...that this way of thinking will pass.  We you like this before benzos?  I had SOME tendencies to be like this, but nowhere NEAR this extreme - so I have confidence that this can't last.  That I will go back eventually to what I was before (and I think even better since I've learned so much about myself and my own strengths - I think we prove to ourselves throughout this that we are much stronger than we thought). 

 

My husband ALWAYS says to me, "You weren't like this before...so what makes you think this is permanent?  You ARE going to be better and these thoughts ARE going to away...you're only 7.5 months off...give it time".  It's true.  I just assumed I'd be close to healed by now.  I had it in my head that by 6 months off, I'd be at least 75% healed.  Well, now I know I'm not, so it's just going to take longer than "planned".  I'm frustrated and even sad some days, but then I just think about those ahead of us who are now writing at 14 months off, or 16 months off that they are close to healed!  So it is around the corner - it just takes time. 

 

Thinking of you, and hoping these OCD thoughts pass or at least improve for you very soon.  I know the feeling and can fully empathize with you on this one.  The obsessive thinking is REALLY tough.  But I fully believe it will improve.

 

Big hugs,

Schatje

[[re...]]

Susan

I had/have this too. Mine center around death and dying. UGH. The thoughts were 25/7. I was scared of them. Thought I was going insane. Thought for sure it was my new normal. I finally stopped fighting the thoughts and made peace with them. I tell myself, "Oh there I go having that thought again." and I let it go as best as I can.  They are JUST thoughts. They cant hurt you!

 

About 8 months out things got a bit better. Now at 8.5 months out it is slowly getting even a tiny bit better. Still have the thoughts but I can cope better and they dont have the emotional gut wrenching impact they used to have.

 

Hang in there. This is not the old you returning, this is not the new you. This is you in wd.

 

Find a way to accept the thoughts and allow them to become white noise. You cant stop them, but you can control how you react to them.

 

 

[[su...]]

Hello Susan,

 

I did some research regarding the question of Fear/Obsessive Thoughts and what causes it when in benzo withdrawal and recovery.  As you can see, this is well documented and it is a part of the withdrawal and recovery process. As described in the book “Benzo-Wise” below, I highlighted in bold her thoughts and suggestions on how to handle this symptom. I hope this is reassuring. I am the type of person who seeks to know what is happening and why, it brings comfort to me. I hope it does the same for you.

 

 

“Benzo-Wise, A Recovery Companion” by Bliss Johns 2010

 

Chapter 5 Managing Psychological Symptoms

 

Obsessive, Unwanted Thoughts

 

“This can be the most distressing symptom for some, especially in cases where the thoughts are scary or repulsive. I am aware of individuals who were told they had obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) only to later confirm that it was just a withdrawal symptom. The thoughts were withdrawal-induced, triggered by temporary neurological imbalances, and faded as recovery progressed.”

 

“Fighting the thoughts will not cause them to go away; attaching fear to the idea of having the thoughts or their content will intensify them. Accepting them as a symptom and acknowledging they are false is the first step.”

 

“If you are having obsessive thoughts, try not to give them too much energy. Don’t panic or even be surprised when they surface and don’t dwell on the content or the fact that it is happening. See if you are able to place them into the same category as you would a skin rash or any of the other physical symptoms.”

I hope this is helpful.

Summer

[[no...]]

Thank you RFB and Summer. I am printing up Bliss' advice right now. I am here at work, and grateful that you all are "here" with me.- Susan

[[re...]]

Susan

I spoke to Bliss yesterday. She had obsessive thoughts too. Three of them. They went away. Ours will too.

 

[Guest [Pf...]]

Symptoms that people had before benzos will likely come back if they were a long standing problem.  During withdrawal, I think that they are often magnified, since lots of things are.  So  if you had obsessive thinking before benzos, during withdrawal it is likely that you would have a magnified version of that.

 

As your withdrawal improves, hopefully the obsessive thinking will get better.  But, even so, since benzos don't cure anything, you may have the same symptoms that you had before you started benzos.  You will need to figure out strategies for dealing with it.  Since drugs have not been the answer, you might look into some type of cognative therpay.

 

With certian long standing symptoms, it may be less of an issue of trying to get rid of the symptom than learning to cope with it.  Obsessive thinking is just that -- thinking.  If you can find a strategy to work with it, and even use it, then it will be less of a problem.  In fact, I imagine that many very productive people have a tendency toward obsession.  They just put their obsession toward something useful.

[[no...]]

Yes, Pfeff. Its what has driven my art, my grad school...lots of stuff. Thanks so much. Sometimes we need so to be reminded of what we know

[[su...]]

Thank you RFB and Summer. I am printing up Bliss' advice right now. I am here at work, and grateful that you all are "here" with me.- Susan

 

hello Susan,

 

You're welcome. So happy to hear the information was helpful. It is nice to be able to have the Internet to be able to keep in touch and  know that we are not alone. I hope you're able to find some calmness in your day.

 

Love to you,

 

Summer

[[Al...]]

7.5 months from c/t. Having a rough time also. Wondering if a full moon is making things flare?

[[Fl...]]

I had plenty of obsessive thoughts early in wd. They were pretty nasty but didn't last for long.

 

Rmember there is always a possibility that your original condition might end up being less of a problem once you are healed. I started clonazepam for social anxiety. Got slammed with SA during wd but now that I am almost healed the SA is less than it was before I started the drug.

 

This experience gives us a new perspective on our mind and how it works. I would bet that going through this will probably ultimately provide more healing for all of these pre-existing conditions than any drug in the world.

 

The important thing to remember is that most likely whatever you are experiencing now is mostly drug wd and it will get better with time.

[[to...]]

Yes, it is easy to forget this is benzo withdrawal out 7 months or more.  The physical stuff I had - tinnitus, balance, insomnia, etc. all resolved first, less than 1 month after my last dose of temazepam, probably because of my slow taper that many on here helped me with. 

 

Then nothing really happened until 5 months out, when I started getting my emotions back (negative ones came back first, unfortunately). 

 

I am always on "edge" and it doesn't take much to make me go off the deep end in fury.  Then, I get all upset and mad at myself and become depressed about it.  I've been in this cycle for months, and hopeful I am near the end of this crap.  I did start getting positive emotions back around Christmas of this year, and along with feeling deeper love and more alive came a strong surge in limbido, but apparently that is common too.  So, I have some of this OCD stuff whereby I fixate on something that troubles me and I tend to make the thing I am worried about actually happen.  Then you are mad at yourself for being so stupid. 

 

They need to make all this benzo stuff Class II and require a true professional to write any prescriptions.  Doctors hand it out like candy at Halloween, totally oblivious to tolerance, dependence, and this withdrawal that I'm sure the devil himself admires for the pain it causes us.

[[mi...]]

7.5 months from c/t. Having a rough time also. Wondering if a full moon is making things flare?

 

I'm starting to believe the same, last time I had trouble with sleep was also full moon....who knows..

[[re...]]

Hi NorthofHere,

 

I think in all honesty, this seems to be really normal.  I've noticed a real trend of members around the same mark as you who are finding the OCD thinking is very strong.  I know that I "peaked" at 6 months with many of my s/x - including OCD thinking.  I am having another rise of it again right now at 7.5 months, however not AS intense.  I remind myself quite often that we should not assume we have an issue such as OCD or depression while still healing from Benzos.  My counsellor I visited often during my taper (who was VERY benzo wise), said that the first 6-24 months is a time when things can really be "up and down".  She said that you can be feeling quite confident and strong and then suddenly it all takes a turn for the worse...only to get better again days or weeks later.  That's why so many refer to this as a roller coaster ride.  Lots of ups and downs with many bumps in the road - but eventually those bumps become smaller and smaller. 

 

The obsessive thinking is SO hard as it can really take over our quality of life.  I do a lot of self talk - A LOT - during the flare ups of OCD.  I tell myself and even write it out over and over that this is just w/d...that this way of thinking will pass.  We you like this before benzos?  I had SOME tendencies to be like this, but nowhere NEAR this extreme - so I have confidence that this can't last.  That I will go back eventually to what I was before (and I think even better since I've learned so much about myself and my own strengths - I think we prove to ourselves throughout this that we are much stronger than we thought). 

 

My husband ALWAYS says to me, "You weren't like this before...so what makes you think this is permanent?  You ARE going to be better and these thoughts ARE going to away...you're only 7.5 months off...give it time".  It's true.  I just assumed I'd be close to healed by now.  I had it in my head that by 6 months off, I'd be at least 75% healed.  Well, now I know I'm not, so it's just going to take longer than "planned".  I'm frustrated and even sad some days, but then I just think about those ahead of us who are now writing at 14 months off, or 16 months off that they are close to healed!  So it is around the corner - it just takes time. 

 

Thinking of you, and hoping these OCD thoughts pass or at least improve for you very soon.  I know the feeling and can fully empathize with you on this one.  The obsessive thinking is REALLY tough.  But I fully believe it will improve.

 

Big hugs,

Schatje

 

This was a great reply! I want to add that the up/down ride if true for alcohol recovery as well. Perhaps for other addictions? BUt for sure the first few years of sobriety are emotionally draining. Up/down/sideways. 

 

Not only are we as ex benzo users recovering from wounded GABA receptors, we are also learning how to cope, to be in the world without a little pill to help up. We have to recover on MANY levels.  It makes sense that we are easily overwhelmed.

 

Baby steps. Patience. Love and compassion for ourselves.

We are healing so many things. It takes time. And trusting the process.

 

Hope everyone has a window tomorrow and the world seems brighter.

[[GH...]]

Susan, I had really bad anxiety for about six months. It was plain crazy. I cant believe that you are working and going to school. WOW. I was pretty much house bound for the first 6 months.

 

At 16 months, the anxiety is probably ME. It is tolerable. I am doing pretty good, but have not returned to work. I think the anxiety is ok. I still have physical symptoms.

 

All I can say is that you will improve. This has to be tolerated for a while. What else can we do? You will heal, it justtakes time. There is a day one for every one, hopefully there is an end day.

 

I think that all of us will have our challenges, but fighting benzos wont be one of them.

 

good healing!!

[[no...]]

thanks, Ghost. I have no choice but to work. I was finishing my BFA when I started the taper. There was no choice but to get off the stuff, and there was no choice to finish school and work. I was accepted into grad school with an assistantship, so the job is connected to the school. The best times I have had were while distracted by classes or while doing the work of creating art for it.

I'm one of those people who fall apart worse without a distraction. But it isn't easy any which way, is it? Healing thoughts to you- Susan

[[re...]]

Alexa

good question! My anxiety ramped up last night. I woke in a pool of cold, stinky wd sweat. In more pain, and dizzy again. Burning skin is back too. I feel like I went backwards 2 months or so. Sigh.

The back of my head hurts too and feeling sick to my stomach.

 

Yesterday I was much better.