Getting desperate here...

[[pe...]]

I'm doing pretty rough both with anxiety and depression.  I spoke to a benzo wise doctor who upped my dose of K to try to get me more stable.  Then because that wasn't working well, we went back over to A b/c I had fewer sx on A.  I'm now just a mess.  I don't know what to do.  Somehow I have to take care of three young children.  Benzo wise doc seems to think I need to increase the A to get more stable.  Something has to be done;  I can't function as a mommy in the shape I am in right now.

 

Hubby is debating taking me to the psych unit to see if they can help.  This is so scary and such a nightmare.    God, please just let this be a bad dream that I wake up from.  I've got to make it though this and survive for my babies.

[[...]]

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.  I'm sorry you're suffering.

 

One day at a time is all you can do.

 

Hang in there.

 

[[pi...]]

Pommy,

 

I am so sorry about how you feel. I can't give you any advice about your meds, I don't really feel qualified.  Perhaps the switching back and forth has taken a toll on your system.  I know you badly want to be there for your kiddees.  What side effects were you having with the K.  Has your doctor suggested valium as a crossover? 

 

This is a bad dream, but you will wake up.  Its going to take time and I do think you need to be stable to proceed. No matter what, your children will love you and even now you are still a great MOM.  Children are very resiliant, now it is time to take care of you.

 

Hugs,

 

pianogirl 

[[Fl...]]

Oh, I'm so sorry! 

 

A psych unit might be a good idea. It sounds like you are at your wits end.  At least you should be able to let go of all responsibility and rest and hopefully they can stabilize you.  It's Monday, a good time to go.  Nothing happens on weekends. 

 

The most important thing is for you to be safe and stable. There is no shame in it at all. They exist for this very reason.  You've had an overwhelming plateful for so long.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Will you please let us know?

Flip

 

[[pr...]]

Definitely, flip flopping around on meds and changing doses will destabilize you.  Is there any way you can just stay on exactly the same thing for a while and hold on tight until your symptoms settle down?  It might take a few months.

 

Then once you're feeling more stable you can research ways to taper that will allow you to stay functional enough to take care of your babies.  The key to that is usually to go very slowly and listen to your body.

 

Hang in there.  You will survive this.  The panic you're feeling is caused by the drugs and not by the realities in your life.  Overreacting and getting on more drugs can end up causing more problems than it solves--be careful with that.

[[Be...]]

I too have young children. I know the concern you face, though not the extent. Things will settle with time, just a frustratingly long time. Do the best you can to love your children fully and to be gentle with them though the anxiety posed by the benzo beast will rob you of tolerance. To the extent you can, let them be a distraction from all of this. You may need some help right now, but don't underestimate the power of distraction your kids can provide.

 

Hoping that this is the worst of it and things turn around for you very soon.

[Guest [Tu...]]

You might ask you benzo-wise MD if he/she will transition you over to Valium. It took me about 4-6 weeks to c/o from 2-year use of Xanax to Valium.  I gradually increased the dose of Valium, and then gradually decreased my Xanax. At the end I was taking a larger dose of Valium than I was in comparison to Xanax, but it takes 2-3 weeks for Valium to build up to a stable level in your system. Once it's stable it's much easier to cut back on the benzo you are coming off.

 

I had originally tried a c/o to Klonopin but within a few days I went back to the doctor. Klonopin's effects just made me feel really odd. Valium was wonderful -- so wonderful that I'd spend the next 12 years strung out on it. I'm closing in on six months (as of March 7), but with a parenthetical "however" (however, I relapsed for 4.5 weeks from mid-January to late February, so I'm finally out of the haze of that little misadventure). No chance of a future relapse: EVERY benzo has gone out in the trash!

 

Now, if I could just get over this flu...

 

Tucson

[[Gr...]]

Dear sweet POM ((((Sara))))—

 

Here's what came to my mind when I read what you wrote, as well as the other buddies replies to you:

I was at a convention for Marijuana Anonymous a couple of weekends ago, (as you may recall I am clean and sober from pot and alcohol and so on), and there was a woman there who shared her story of how she had to go into a psych facility to help her with her withdrawal and become the stable and capable person that she is today. That was a few years ago for her, but the way she shared her story let us all know that she felt no sense of regret about having done that, and that she was grateful to her husband for having taken her there. She is also a mother, who was probably close to your age ten years ago when she went. The point I am trying to make is: please do what you need to do to help yourself, and call upon the family and friends you have to support you.

 

If the way you are feeling has passed by the end of the day, then perhaps it was a rough few days that you got through; if however, you are feeling torn apart and afraid, then know you are loved by your Higher Power, your friends and your family, including your children, who all want the best for you and to see you well.

 

You are loved, you are in my prayers and I am holding you strong in my heart, sending you energy and love for your healing and recovery.

 

Love and blessings,

your friend,

Gracie~

[[ja...]]

Awww POM

 

Im so sad rt now for you. I can feel exactly how your feeling! I was just the same last year. I have 3 small children to and it was unbelievable how to take care of them in this w/d  .

 

Idk whats the rt thing for you to do. I say You know You .You know what your limit and what is your breaking point. I just want you to know that this does end all of it. Its so hard and super painful . But all comes to a End. Im not sure on the Psych. Thats scary to me. They do med you up there. But if you feel its what you need for safety puposes then Go. If you can continue at home then perfect. I think if you have a Benzo Wise Doc.. Awsome please let him guide you on whats the right path to choose!!

Hang on POM and I hope you get some relief soon.

P.S I can do everything again as a Mommy and you know what? I think they kinda forgot how bad I really was. My daughter said the other day and shes 10 .She said What? You were Sick? When? Bahaha I was like Are u kidding me child? lol Really, Really? But its good they forget as time goes by.

 

~Jenny

[[Ti...]]

POMMY--

 

So sorry to hear you are not doing well.  I know EXACTLY what you are going through.  I have been trying to crossover to Valium from the Lorazapam and am only halfway crossed over and also having a very, very, very difficult time.  OMG this is a nightmare isn't it??!  I have 2 and 4 year old and am trying to function and be a mommy.  I wish we lived next door so we could give each other a big hug (and maybe our kids could entertain each other for awhile--lol).  I am not even sure I should continue my crossover to Valium or go back to the Ativan myself!  I was not doing well on the Ativan but I feel even worse now!!  Your post has shed some light--I know we were both on Ativan originally and what I think is that when we are trying to crossover to Valium (me) or Klonopin that we are constantly feeling the Ativan w/d symptoms.  The V and K must not be covering all the same receptors.  I have heard (and now believe) that Ativan is the most difficult benzo to come off of.  It binded tightly with our receptors and our brains don't like that it's gone!  I know your feeling of hopelessness--we are in similar situations because, like you, I'm not really tapering right now--just trying to stabilize!!  I hate that I am so sick that I can't even taper off the crap.  I think you are normal girl and mommy like me and just want your life back like me--it's unbelievable how sick these drugs make us--and we also must be super sensitive in the population.  Anyways, I know someday we will be OK and back to living our happy lives again.  We will get through it--I will visit your blog more often to support you.  We can support each other to the fighting end girl!  So many others have gone before us and are doing great now.  I, too, have almost gone to the hospital so many times, but always wonder what exactly they will do...What are you going to do about the Ativan--my doctor also suggested going back on it, but I hate to do that.  I think what I'm going to do right now is just HOLD where I am and try to let my CNS settle down a bit.  I don't think it does well with all these changes...Remember, what you are feeling right now, in my opinion, is Ativan withdrawal and that might take awhile to settle down.

 

BIG HUGS,

Tina

[[Ti...]]

Oh, I just re-read--are you back on the Ativan 100% now??  Then you actually might be experiencing Klonopin withdrawals???  Did you just cross right over back to Ativan?  I thought about doing that (since I am 1/2 and 1/2) but was concerned that then I'd experience Valium withdrawal.  So maybe it's K w/d you are experiencing.  This is all so confusing and even the doctors don't know--so frustrating!!!

 

BIG HUGS,

Tina

[[be...]]

Hi Peace of Mind - - - so sorry you are feeling badly. I am glad your husband is there for you. I am sure he and your children love you very much.

 

That desperate feeling is no fun at all.

 

I hope you receive the care that you need.

[[Ti...]]

Pommy, I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time.  Your husband is a wonderful man, I am so

glad he is there for you. 

 

I hope things level out soon and you get to feeling a lot better.

 

 

Love  you lots,   

Tink

[[sa...]]

Hi Pom,

I'm discouraged to read this here. Breaks my heart. I want to march over there and take the kids. Funny, I can barely do mine, but he could do the 3 year old, he's awesome with kids! But, I want to say this. You are sick, and you have to get better and you will. I have a friend who just found out she has cancer, her new daughter is 6 mos old. No one will expect her to do more than she can. Again, we are sick. I know we don't like to say that, but it is what it is and it takes time and patience to heal. Guilt. It will come, push it out, Pommy, it will interfer. If you can't right now you can't. I don't expect you to right now. Not til you are better.

 

I hope I'm not out of line by asking why the jumping around on meds? I'm scared to take an aspirin. It's so uncomfortable sometimes, but I think sticking to one thing. I read your sig but wasn't sure why not valium? YOu may not be up for reading all of this, but when you are, perhaps it's something to consider if it hasn't already. I can't imagine trying to wein off ativan.

 

Some words of comfort, when you are confused, stop thinking, there is something higher than you taking care of it. Your job is to find as comfortable place to get through it. Can you hire some help with the children for right now? How about an sos email to your friends? You would be surprised who rises up.

 

I have your name written by my bed with a heart around it, Pom. Wherever this journey takes you is where you need to be. Remember when your babies were born? What was your job? to make yourself as comfortable as possible till they came. They need you to be selfish right now. Because being selfish for you now, means having for them what they need later...and sooner. Guilt will slow you down.

 

"....and it was then that I carried you." We love you Pom!

Sarah~

[[...]]

Praying for you Pommy.  Keep us posted if you can.

 

Kian