Getting lower, going slower

[[Wi...]]

I am not in great distress, but I am feeling somewhat disheartened and looking for any wise words of wisdom (those things I've heard a thousand times here but can't remember because of benzo brain)...

 

I've come far but still have far to go.  I know why I'm doing this and plan to continue till I'm done but at the moment it seems so far and the idea of facing week after week after week for the next many, many months of cuts. Perhaps it's because I've just hit a year tapering with much time to go still, but once again I'm losing steam. 

 

So I guess I'm asking what gets you back on track, focused on just being in the present, and not overwhelmed at how much further there is to go? 

[[Bi...]]

I wouldn't blame you. I tapered fast within the middle and at the end. I know my body couldn't handle a few of those cuts, yet I would make another one. I think it is individual, although with me.. I think I did go too fast. Valium has a way of catching up with one. This settles after a while.

 

I hope you the best, WWWI

 

Billy.

[[Ni...]]

I have about two years of tapering to look forward to and I'm scared, but you made it this far. Your a strong person, keep going things will level out in due time. I started my valium switch and my doctor won't let me go to 60 mlgs of valium so I'mon 45 mlgs of vals and cutting the last of my xanax I normally have a few hell days and then they clear. Its all about will and strength, there is an end to this.

[[Wi...]]

Billy,

 

There are many times I think about speeding up the taper, but when I've done that the consequenses make me gunshy to increase the speed.  That said, I think it's tremedous that you are off.  I know the road was hard for you, but you should take great pride in what you've accomplished!

 

WWWI

[[Wi...]]

NicoleT84

 

Congratulations on your crossover.  That's quite an accomplishment (having done it myself I know the challenges it presents). 

 

The irony really is that even tho we have to deal with the cuts day by day, and sometimes hour by hour or even minute to minute, if I look back over the last year, it zoomed by.  I think for me it's that I'm watching the clock and I know better than that.  The goal is to get off the drug, and ultimately the time it takes doesn't really matter.  Thinking about your situation, reminded me of that.  Thank you

 

WWWI

[[os...]]

WWWI, i feel for you, i have been tapering 7 months and i had a bout a few weeks back where i was simply fed up of the whole thing, i even questioned if it was worth all the hassle, i did not hit tolerance despite being a long term user, i felt that i was quite OK as i was, yet deep down i knew i had made the right decision to get benzo free, i had made great progress but i lost sight of how far i had come in this.

 

I still have probably a year to finish my taper, this is allowing a VERY slow finale... i plan to really take the last 2mgs over a long period, the last mg even more so and the last half a mg i don´t care how long it takes, i have allowed for excessive time which will hopeful mean i stay well and furthermore, allow for a smooth landing. I am really hoping and praying that my 18 month taper will mostly heal me before zero, i have no idea if it will but i feel as if i am healing as i get lower, i do not expect perfection, i am sure i will have healing time and have allowed for that in my mind also, i have accepted this as being a long process, both tapering and a return to full health after, yet i am hoping to be relatively healed after the length of this taper, at least i will not be looking back in regret for rushing this, i am doing all i can to prevent protracted symptoms... yet i manage this by making smaller goals for myself, i just aim for the next half mg and i try not to look past that, it helps, sometimes it really helps to live in the present also, as all of us only have today, right?

 

I know it is frustrating, yet the past 7 months came and went and i am here now and you are where you are at, my point is, time passes  quicker than we think, it is only at certain times it appears to drag and we can be so vulnerable to negatives, after all, we are having to be hugely patient to be free and then we may have some way to go to get back to life... yet we will get there, days turn into weeks and weeks into months, in "Benzo thinking" it can be easy to lose perspective but we ARE making progress and time is passing, so don´t give up... be gentle with you and know that a new and better life is ahead for all of us, that this will one day be over and then we will forget this frustrating and horrible time and hopefully we will have a renewed zest for life and can make up for the time lost in this recovery phase... at least we will heal, in that regard we can at least be thankful for that if nothing else...

 

Remember always how well you are doing because you really are... be proud of the huge achievement you have come this far, allow the rest to just happen... you´ll be free and living life before you know it.

 

Oscar

[[os...]]

if I look back over the last year, it zoomed by.

WWWI

 

I see you posted whilst i posted... i think the same, the past 7 months came and went and i recall saying a month ago, "where did the last 6 months go?"...

 

Time does not go as slow as we think... like you say WWWI, looking at the clock or a Calendar really does not help, it´s hard not to at times, i am sure everyone here can relate to that one, you are not alone!!!

 

Oscar

[[pr...]]

Wise Woman, your posts have often entertained and sustained me--just wanted to mention that.

 

I wish I knew a way to be more patient with my taper.  I have at least three more years to go before I'm done. 

 

One thing that does help is noticing how much better I'm getting every day.  That's easier since I was so sick and screwed up on all the meds for so long.  Now, after two years of tapering, I'm low enough on my dosages that I'm no longer suicidal and I'm able to connect with people and actually feel normal emotions--at least, when I'm not in active withdrawal due to cuts.

 

It's not much but it's something.  Really, as you know, bottom line, there's no alternative.

 

Coming here and finding other people in the same boat helps immeasurably, though.  I feel so much shame and isolation, not having people in my life who get it. 

 

So--no answer, really, but a thank you--for being you and for being here.

[[Wi...]]

WWWI, i feel for you, i have been tapering 7 months and i had a bout a few weeks back where i was simply fed up of the whole thing, i even questioned if it was worth all the hassle, i did not hit tolerance despite being a long term user, i felt that i was quite OK as i was, yet deep down i knew i had made the right decision to get benzo free, i had made great progress but i lost sight of how far i had come in this.

 

I still have probably a year to finish my taper, this is allowing a VERY slow finale...

Very slow finale lol you aren't kidding.  But perhaps with w/d ending with a wimper and not a bang is actually the point of slow tapering no?

 

i plan to really take the last 2mgs over a long period, the last mg even more so and the last half a mg i don´t care how long it takes, i have allowed for excessive time which will hopeful mean i stay well and furthermore, allow for a smooth landing. I am really hoping and praying that my 18 month taper will mostly heal me before zero, i have no idea if it will but i feel as if i am healing as i get lower, i do not expect perfection, i am sure i will have healing time and have allowed for that in my mind also, i have accepted this as being a long process, both tapering and a return to full health after, yet i am hoping to be relatively healed after the length of this taper, at least i will not be looking back in regret for rushing this, i am doing all i can to prevent protracted symptoms... yet i manage this by making smaller goals for myself, i just aim for the next half mg and i try not to look past that, it helps, sometimes it really helps to live in the present also, as all of us only have today, right? 

 

Yes you are very right.  You are tapering as I am, slow and steady in hopes, although with no guarantee, of a softer landing.  I too believe healing is occurring as I'm going.  I believe you are doing everything in your power to manage this whole ordeal in the most reasonable, pragmatic way.  I really need to stop looking to the end and just focus on today.  In reality, whether I look ahead or focus on today only, the process will take the same time, the difference simply being at how much more unecessary stress I want to put myself through. 

 

I know it is frustrating, yet the past 7 months came and went and i am here now and you are where you are at, my point is, time passes  quicker than we think, it is only at certain times it appears to drag and we can be so vulnerable to negatives, after all, we are having to be hugely patient to be free and then we may have some way to go to get back to life... yet we will get there, days turn into weeks and weeks into months, in "Benzo thinking" it can be easy to lose perspective but we ARE making progress and time is passing, so don´t give up... be gentle with you and know that a new and better life is ahead for all of us, that this will one day be over and then we will forget this frustrating and horrible time and hopefully we will have a renewed zest for life and can make up for the time lost in this recovery phase... at least we will heal, in that regard we can at least be thankful for that if nothing else...

 

Apparently I've hit one of those "certain time" and am very grateful you happened by.  You don't offer miracles, you offer how it is and potentially how it will be.  I can accept that.  I'm not looking for magic, just that hopefully someday this will just be a distant memory.  And like you, would prefer a renewed zest for life and can make up the time lost, but am hopeful, if nothing else, we end up better off then where we are now. 

 

Remember always how well you are doing because you really are... be proud of the huge achievement you have come this far, allow the rest to just happen... you´ll be free and living life before you know it. Oscar

 

Thank you for reminding me from where I've come.  Right now it seems when I tell myself this, it means nothing, but means everything when coming from someone else.  I really appreciate that.  And although I will try my best not to determine when it is or worry about the speed to get there, I do look forward to the day I am free Thank you my friend for your words. They have meant a great deal to me.

 

 

[[Wi...]]

Wise Woman, your posts have often entertained and sustained me--just wanted to mention that.

prhiannon, not to get too sappy, but I have admired you, your common sense, knowledge and your generous, kind spirit from my very early days on BW.  Thank you for the above statement, as today is one of those days I really needed to hear I'm of value.

 

I wish I knew a way to be more patient with my taper.  I have at least three more years to go before I'm done. 

As sad as I am that your journey, is extended so far beyond what you could have possibly anticipated, I take comfort in knowing that I won't be traveling this long, winding road alone.

 

One thing that does help is noticing how much better I'm getting every day.  That's easier since I was so sick and screwed up on all the meds for so long.  Now, after two years of tapering, I'm low enough on my dosages that I'm no longer suicidal and I'm able to connect with people and actually feel normal emotions--at least, when I'm not in active withdrawal due to cuts

It's not much but it's something.  Really, as you know, bottom line, there's no alternative.

 

Coming here and finding other people in the same boat helps immeasurably, though.  I feel so much shame and isolation, not having people in my life who get it. 

 

So--no answer, really, but a thank you--for being you and for being here.

 

I too see the changes from then to now,  and again, sometimes it takes hearing it from someone else to actually feel it.  It really does help so much to find kindered souls here.  Sometimes I try to simply move on with my life and pretend this doesn't exist and that I don't need support.  But as always happens, I am reminded, sadly, it is a stronger master than I right now.  I need to give respect the power that it has in my life.  Each time I try to diminish it's power, it shows me who is in charge.  My body and mind are trying to win this war and they deserve due reverance and respect.

 

You are right and right on.  It awes me the strength I see in you and others here.  It's nothing if not ironic, how this process result in us feeling just the opposite.  Thank you for your compassion and kindness

 

WWWI

[[Wi...]]

if I look back over the last year, it zoomed by.

WWWI

 

I see you posted whilst i posted... i think the same, the past 7 months came and went and i recall saying a month ago, "where did the last 6 months go?"...

 

Time does not go as slow as we think... like you say WWWI, looking at the clock or a Calendar really does not help, it´s hard not to at times, i am sure everyone here can relate to that one, you are not alone!!!

 

Oscar

 

It will be what it will be.  Yes?  I'm not quite there, but I think I'm getting back there.  Thank you

[[pr...]]

"In reality, whether I look ahead or focus on today only, the process will take the same time, the difference simply being at how much more unecessary stress I want to put myself through."

 

Thanks for that.  It's really the bottom line. 

 

I reach out into my life and try to do the things that bring me comfort and pleasure, when I can feel those things, because I know this is going to take as long as it takes, and meanwhile, this is my life.  I can't live the way I want to live,  but I can't put off living, either.

 

Constantly striving for balance, and trying to focus every day on the small moments of pleasure, hope, or success.  I try to give myself one little thing every day to do.  Sometimes it's just getting all the dishes washed.  Sometimes just a short walk, or a trip to the grocery store.  Sometimes something harder, like inviting a friend to go out for tea, or doing something scary like working on my taxes.

 

Then I try to remember to allow myself to feel proud of myself for doing it.

 

It's harder than it sounds.  But I think focusing on today, when I can, and remembering when I can to focus on those little moments of goodness, helps me. 

 

Also something that has become of great value to me has been helping other people.  When I can listen with compassion to someone who needs to talk about a problem, or even just needs a little attention, it gives me a satisfaction and sense of worth that I never really experienced before. 

 

I come to this forum for the support I get here but also for the way it allows me to contribute to other people, because that's more important to me than it ever used to be.

 

[[pi...]]

WWW,

 

I have long admired your common sense approach to your taper and recovery.  I look at where you started and where you are today and am amazed.  You are really at the Coda of your taper.  Just keep on with what you are doing and try not to worry about what will happen. 

 

The weather will be lovely today and tommorrow.  Can you get out and enjoy some of our lovely sunshine and get all that natural vitamin D as well as the calming effects of such a lovely day?

 

I think I read once that you said you were a cup half empty person.  As I read this thread I see a cup half full person.  Your comments about being able now to connect with people and feel emotions, your constant support and caring of others and  your wit and intelligence shows so just how full your cup really is.  I am so happy to have met you.

 

You are very important to all of us here.

 

Hugs,

pianogirl 

[[Wi...]]

"In reality, whether I look ahead or focus on today only, the process will take the same time, the difference simply being at how much more unecessary stress I want to put myself through."

 

Thanks for that.  It's really the bottom line. 

 

I reach out into my life and try to do the things that bring me comfort and pleasure, when I can feel those things, because I know this is going to take as long as it takes, and meanwhile, this is my life.  I can't live the way I want to live,  but I can't put off living, either.

 

Constantly striving for balance, and trying to focus every day on the small moments of pleasure, hope, or success.  I try to give myself one little thing every day to do.  Sometimes it's just getting all the dishes washed.  Sometimes just a short walk, or a trip to the grocery store.  Sometimes something harder, like inviting a friend to go out for tea, or doing something scary like working on my taxes.

 

Then I try to remember to allow myself to feel proud of myself for doing it.

 

It's harder than it sounds.  But I think focusing on today, when I can, and remembering when I can to focus on those little moments of goodness, helps me. 

 

Also something that has become of great value to me has been helping other people.  When I can listen with compassion to someone who needs to talk about a problem, or even just needs a little attention, it gives me a satisfaction and sense of worth that I never really experienced before. 

 

I come to this forum for the support I get here but also for the way it allows me to contribute to other people, because that's more important to me than it ever used to be.

What I don't know is whether my inability to feel pride other than from an outside source is w/d related or as a result from those years of learning (erroneously) that pride = arrogance.  Perhaps a combo of both... So perhaps now I just need to practice more .  Logically self critisim without the same level of self-support and compassion makes no sense and certainly don't meet the criteria of "balance"

 

I've seen "your work" on here in regards to providing your experience, your perspective, valuable information and support.  I'm glad that it feeds you.  I know what your words have brought me over time and am sure your words have fed many many people here. 

 

WWWI

 

 

[[Wi...]]

WWW,

 

I have long admired your common sense approach to your taper and recovery.  I look at where you started and where you are today and am amazed.  You are really at the Coda of your taper.  Just keep on with what you are doing and try not to worry about what will happen. 

 

The weather will be lovely today and tommorrow.  Can you get out and enjoy some of our lovely sunshine and get all that natural vitamin D as well as the calming effects of such a lovely day?

 

I think I read once that you said you were a cup half empty person.  As I read this thread I see a cup half full person.  Your comments about being able now to connect with people and feel emotions, your constant support and caring of others and  your wit and intelligence shows so just how full your cup really is.  I am so happy to have met you.

 

You are very important to all of us here.

 

Hugs,

pianogirl 

 

PG,

 

I'm not really sure how to respond to your post except to say that it was increadibly gracious and that it filled me up with such warmth   I did have to google Coda tho lol.

 

I am up and out today.  It IS a beautiful day today.  I hope you too will be able to feel the sun on your skin.

 

I feel the same about you PG.  I think you are an amazing woman and am grateful for the opportunity to know you as well!

 

 

WWWI

[[Be...]]

WWWI,

 

I only have my previous clonazepam experience to relate. In that taper things were easiest in the beginning and at the end. I hit the roughest spot at around 0.25 mg to 0.125 mg. After I weathered that storm, things seemed to get better. I had some protracted symptoms afterwards (part of the reason I am now water tapering using a percent dosage method) but they were not severe and passed pretty quickly. I remember then, as I am experiencing now, that I can feel the benefits in going lower in dosage, it's just hard to see on some particular days. In any case, we are all here to support you in the same caring and intelligent way that you have us through these difficult times.

[[Wi...]]

Thank you Benzo3

 

WWWI