Not Out of the Woods Yet

[[mo...]]

After a string of sx free days I was sucked under by a wave of depression yesterday. I mean absolute despair! We had to return early from a weekend away and it just devastated me. I mean, it was ridiculous! I had hung way too much hope on this weekend, thinking that a break from real life and some r & r would snap me back to my pre-benzo self. Instead, I spent a lot of the time thinking about the last time we had visited this place, torturing myself about how happy I WAS a year ago and how much I miss that person. Then, we had to leave early and holy smokes, I just came unglued. Still sort of am. The idea of coming home to my house (a place I once loved so much and never wanted to leave) made me physically ill.

 

I am exactly 9 weeks out in my healing, and I was so sure I was over all this crap. Now, it feels just like it did in the beginning - when I was still on Ativan and suffering the drug tolerance. From everything I've read, I know this is probably just another phase of the healing, but OMG! it's disheartening. Esp. when I was doing so well.

 

I guess what I'm worried about - and this is my husband's question too - is this still w/d or am I just now a depressed person who can no longer find the joy in life? I've never experienced depression before Zoplicone and Ativan. Never. I need some reassurance that the drugs haven't flipped some sort of depression switch and this is how I am going to be.

 

Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Anyone?

[[wy...]]

I know what you're talking about monyd. I went on a trip back to NYC in December for the first time in years (I used to live there) and it was so wonderful but then I started freaking out and having major depression when it was time to return home. I even cried uncontrollably when I got back home for about 2 hours. It felt like years of emotions being released all at once.

 

My theory? I think that it is a combination of both. When we go through recovery, it's so tempting to want to jump and latch onto explanations as if they are the one true answer for all our problems, but nothing about this process is cut and dry or simple. So, I think it's actually a complex mix of things. I am a person who has had depressive episodes on and off throughout my life, but I was always able to get through them on my own without the help of psychiatric drugs, until I took Lorazepam (Ativan) last year. Since I have been off the drug, I have not been able to reign in these overwhelming feelings and it gets me even more down in the dumps than ever. I believe that for some people the brain chemistry is so sensitive after benzos, that problems you were previously unaware of before are exaggerated. And for those of us who are highly aware of our pre-benzo issues they are made worse after the drug and discontinuation.

 

So, don't think you're going crazy or that this won't pass. It will. My issues are already better than they were months ago. But, also know that at some point, you can't just wait around to feel better and there are things that we all must actively do to ease our suffering until we are fully healed.

 

I hope this makes sense and provides you some comfort. You're not alone!   I wish you continued healing.

 

[[mo...]]

Thank you @wylidas for your support. It does help to know I am not alone.

 

When you say there are "things that we must actively do to ease our suffering" what exactly are you referring to? Because I try so hard to keep my head up and move forward with my life. Because I am going about my life as normally as I can, except that even when I am feeling better I live in the past and compare how I am currently to how I used to be. And it just never seems to measure up. Probably because I was living my life unaware of how blessed I truly was.

 

I feel as if I've been traumatized, first by the onset of the tinnitus that drove me to benzo use and by its continued persistence in my life for the past 6 mos. still not knowing what has caused it. And now on top of that, benzo withdrawal.

 

I guess today I am just feeling kind of sorry for myself, something I don't give myself permission to do very often. Esp. in light of what a lot of others are going through, I feel I don't have a right to get down. That I should always be grateful on some level.

 

I guess, in a way, I am just waiting for the return of my pre-benzo self. So, how does one stop that? How does one cease to torture themselves day in and day out? I'm open to suggestions.

 

Mony

[[wy...]]

These are all great questions. I won't pretend I am the best at this, but here's my take.

 

When I start feeling down and out and I get frustrated with myself and my thoughts turn dark, I try to go for a walk. Take my dogs for a nice brisk walk. It may sound silly, but the sensory change actually helps. As I have very gradually regained energy, I now try to go to the gym in my apartment complex. I actually worked out for a full hour the other day. I have developed into a shut-in over the last several months, where I don't want to leave the house often. But, now I am finding that if I call up a friend or ask someone to go with me for even a short drive or to a movie, it helps temporarily. It doesn't mean that all my negative thoughts stop, and even when I am out and about, I find my thoughts still stray to the negative, but at least there's something else going on around me to pull me out of it a little more each time. I guess to sum it up, it's just distraction, distraction, distraction. It's the key to alleviating suffering until we are healed. Otherwise, I believe we are just re-traumatizing ourselves over and over. It becomes trauma on top of trauma when we lay and obsess over our negative thoughts. And make no mistake, we have been traumatized by this experience. Some people think of trauma as a car accident or job loss or death in the family. But, benzo usage and subsequent withdrawal and recovery are extremely traumatizing to the body and brain.

 

I actually had a therapist ask me the other day: "When your dog gets sick and can't control it and throws up or makes a mess on the carpet, do you kick it and scold it and get angry at it?"  When I looked at her and said "Of course not" with a strange look on my face, she just looked at me and said "Then why do you kick yourself so hard when you're sick?"  I started crying right there in her office.

 

Sometimes we just need gentle reminders that we're so much better than we even know or believe and we deserve to feel good again. And we will.

[[mo...]]

@[wy...]

 

I've also been traumatized by this incessant tinnnitus. A condition that started clear out of the blue with no plausible explanation. It has gotten better, but I live with a constant hiss and fear of it returning full force. I don't know to what degree benzo use worsened this condition, but I do suspect it was partly to blame, because since quitting Ativan and Zop, the tinnitus has had remarkable improvement. Another unknown is whether the persistence of it is now due to w/d. Again, more questions than answers.

 

But you are right. I need to find better distractions. And this is where I ask myself what the heck did I do with my life pre-benzo and health crisis? What was it that used to occupy my mind and my days? I used to be very content and fulfilled. Nothing seems to give me any true pleasure or joy anymore. I have no gumption some days. And that is just not my nature. So, that is where I know it has to be a cause of the drug. I have always been very hard on myself though. Even in the best of health, I have always demanded a lot from myself. 

 

I guess I am still searching for the why's and what for's. I am the kind of person who wants an explanation to everything. Perhaps in this case I will never know. And maybe that is the biggest lesson for me. Wow! A-ha moment there. LOL!!!  Again, easy to say. Not so easy to accept.

 

Thanks again for you input and advice. I really do appreciate it.

[[wy...]]

monyd- Your last reply really hit home with me. You sound very much like me indeed. Let me guess, have you been told all your life that you think too much for your own good? Or that you are too smart for your own good?   I have always been the type of person who felt I needed to have an answer to things, and I, too, have thought that perhaps this is one of the big life lessons that I have to learn through all this. Sometimes there just is no real concrete answer. At least not any ONE answer that will satisfy us. And even if we did have the answer, would it really make all the pain and suffering instantly go away? It would not. I think we cling so desperately to these questions/answers because we feel that somehow it will make sense of it all and thus make things better, but alas, that is not the case. It just adds more frustration to the mix when things don't instantly improve.

 

So, I have taken it as my goal through this process to learn to let go and let God. Whatever your interpretation of God is, because I am not a devoutly religious person, but I do consider myself rather spiritual. Especially after going through this whole ordeal. And as for the distractions and feeling apathetic, I am also right there with you. Before benzos, I would watch movies or TV or go shopping and hang out to do other things as distractions to any issues I was facing in life, but none of those things seem to work for me quite the same way anymore. Some of it is the benzo-related chemical component on our brains and nervous system, but some of it, I suspect, is actually a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) I had a therapist tell me once that this is very common for people after experiencing a trauma and that things that used to work for them in the past, no longer do. He said the solution is to find other things that provide new ways of coping and looking at things, and that gradually your old self will return, but it will be a newer, better version which looks at things differently. This provided a lot of comfort and hope to me, and I believe that it will be the case for almost all of us. We don't go through something like this for nothing. People throw around the term 'life-changing' far too often I feel, but I believe that's exactly what this experience is for many of us. Life-changing.

[[pr...]]

Just my 2 cents:  Nine weeks out from a CT (a two-week taper off those doses is pretty much a CT) is no time at all.  This is definitely NOT the new you. 

 

You're in early stages of withdrawal and what you're feeling and thinking is absolutely symptomatic of withdrawal. 

 

This is NOT who you are going to be from now on, although you probably still have a bumpy road ahead to travel for a while before you get back to who you really are.  But that person is still there and you will get there eventually.

 

The only answer I know of is, "hang in there." 

[[mo...]]

Thank you so much to both of you. Your words are exactly the comfort that I need today. And yes, wylidas, we sound like we have very similar personalities. I've been told "A" type - a label I truly resent because it always has a negative ring to it. In true "A" type fashion, I wonder, what the heck it wrong with being a perfectionist or trying your best at life. I think the old me was pretty fantastic. Not without room for improvement. But pretty, bloody amazing and lovable.

 

I have shrugged off the need for therapy. Booked a couple apts. and promptly cancelled them. Once again, it boils down to me thinking I can do EVERYTHING by myself. Another life lesson that benzo hell has taught me. I can't do this alone and without help. But I have gotten a ton of comfort from everyone on this forum though. Moreso than family and friends (and probably a therapist) because you are all going through the same things. But you do make some valid points about finding new situations and new distractions - basically a new normal. I will take your advice and try to put it into action. Your suggestions have been most helpful. Again, I thank you.

 

@prhiannon thank you so much for the validation. I broke down sobbing when I read your reply. It isn't a very long time, is it? I keep reminding myself of that, but the people around me keep saying Oh, you couldn't possibly still be in w/d. The drugs are long gone out of your system. And then I am left to defend myself and what I know to be true. I get so angry when I think about how irresponsible my doctor was in his very vauge and uneducated instructions on how to quit ativan. I did basically c/t off of it and zopiclone. I know this now. But being on the drugs I was so much worse. They made me sicker and sicker. I don't know how I would have survived a slow taper, but now I wish I had tried. Thanks again for your support. And for reminding me that I am "not out of the woods". I guess I have been in denial, thinking and hoping I would not be suffering so long, like so many others on this forum. I want to believe that being on it for such a short period of time would mean an easier w/d.

 

I know - patience and time. Patience and time.