After 8 months........dissatisfied w/ my life

[[2w...]]

I have to be honest. Each morning, I wake up and I feel angry, sad and just dissatisfied w/ my life. I have to fight my thoughts each morning. I have desires/thoughts of leaving and starting over. I don't know if there are just too many bad memories here or if I just feel stuck or if this is just part of the w/d, but it is really scary for me. I have no one who I can talk to about this. My husband is really happy here and he loves his job, but I feel like I have nothing here. Now that we have the addition 15k in debt, I feel even more trapped and I just want to leave and start living my life. I've realized how I don't want to have any more regrets about my life and how I don't want to be passive like my family.

 

I'm wondering if other people feel this same way too. It's uncovering a whole different set of problems for me and I feel like I'm having to face them all at once. I hope this subsides.......I really do.

[[BY...]]

Hello 2writer,

 

All I can say is, those were some of the feelings for me at that stage in recovery. Everyday just doesn't seem to be better.

 

As positive as you try to be, all that come to mind is regret for maybe making a bad decision or a not to good memory(memories) of something from the past. When those memories would creep in before you quit Xanax and Valium. They would only be a passing thought and you would maybe say to yourself, oh well, no big deal and move past it. Now those feelings stick and become more obsessive. As you further into you recovery, those type of things will again be easier to deal with once again.

 

There is nothing wrong with going and seeing a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, talking with someone face to face really helps.

 

Books are  also helpful. The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris was a good read and helped me learn how to deal with some of the problems I was having.

 

M

[[Fl...]]

Lou, dear one,

I read this on CherryBlossom's blog this morning and it reminded me of the angst you are feeling.

 

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.”

― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

 

[[2w...]]

Hello 2writer,

 

All I can say is, those were some of the feelings for me at that stage in recovery. Everyday just doesn't seem to be better.

 

As positive as you try to be, all that come to mind is regret for maybe making a bad decision or a not to good memory(memories) of something from the past. When those memories would creep in before you quit Xanax and Valium. They would only be a passing thought and you would maybe say to yourself, oh well, no big deal and move past it. Now those feelings stick and become more obsessive. As you further into you recovery, those type of things will again be easier to deal with once again.

 

There is nothing wrong with going and seeing a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, talking with someone face to face really helps.

 

Books are  also helpful. The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris was a good read and helped me learn how to deal with some of the problems I was having.

 

M

Hello M,

 

You described exactly what I've thinking and dealing with. I'm determined to stay positive and look for the hope in each day, but some times it feels like my mind won't let go of certain things and then those thoughts seem to spiral out of control and turn into ruminations that go on and on. I'm learning how to surrender and let things go, but some days it is still hour by hour or even minute by minute. The fear is overwhelming but it's getting to the point where I have no other choice but to heal and get on w/ things.

 

I looked up the book you recommended and they have it at the library near my house, so I am going to pick it up in the next couple of days.

 

It gives me to hope to know that you have been where I am. Thank you for your post.

 

Take care,

Lou

[[Im...]]

Lou - you definitely need to take seriously that this may be mostly withdrawal talking, and to give yourself plenty of time and space to recover and heal. But if you don't have connections in the place you are now, maybe it would help to try to reach out and make some? Join a class, or a gym, or a book group - the isolation from w/d can be so debilitating, and even once you start healing, it takes time to regrow those roots that you might have had to retract during your worst times. I know it might not be possible, depending on your level of recovery - but I hope you'll think about it.

 

Also, you've posted a lot about your horrible experience with the debt and the inpatient practice. If you haven't been to a lawyer yet, you really should at least get a consultation - I honestly don't see how what they're doing can possibly be legal. I know it would be a stressful process, but having that debt off of your shoulders might be a relief, too. Good luck whatever you decide!

[[...]]

hi lou, flip and byby

flip that was one piece of amazing heartfel writing; thanks for that

 

i totally relate.  here in month 9 i feel so frustrated and think my home relates to w/d and that breaks my heart because i put every cent i've made for years into this little sanctuary that i wanted to live in forever.  i keep telling myself that it is just wd because i think it is.  the process is so depressing and scary at times that it is unbelievable.  my fear can spin out of control if i let it.  i have to constantly calm my mind and it is a huge challenge. one day at a time. 

 

we have to be so thankful we are off the drugs for so long.  one therapist told me how many clients she had that can't get off.  but we are off and there is a price of pain but we are handling it.  stay faithful. keep believing in healing and that it will all work out

i am in aa and we see people all the time trying to do what is called a "geographical cure"  but no matter where we go we take ourselves with us.  i would like to suggest letting those thoughts go - even if only for your husband.  having a husband would be such a blessing for me right now..if he could handle this!

 

thanks for being there xoxo

[[re...]]

Lou

I was convinced early in my recovery that I needed to move back to another state I lived in 10 years ago. That feeling left after a while.

Please know that wd can cause us to think and feel some intense things we think are "real." It may be that you want to change your life etc, but please wait until you are totally healed to make any changes. I tore down two of my websites for my business and deeply regret that now. I did it a few months out from my C/T thinking I wanted to refocus my business. It was a bad call.

 

Hope your healing goes fast.

[[2w...]]

Lou, dear one,

I read this on CherryBlossom's blog this morning and it reminded me of the angst you are feeling.

 

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.”

― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

 

Hi Flip,

 

This is how I have felt during this never-ending trial. I use to be happy w/ simple things, but now the restlessness seems to take the joy out of everything. It's not just a physical restlessness but an overwhelming mental restlessness. I'm realizing that I cannot and should not expect so much of myself right now. I want to start working, continue studying, go back to the gym and be around people but I still have a long way to go. I watch shows on TV, go to movies and see people doing things I want to do and it just tears me up inside. I so want to be normal like I was so many years ago. I think I've turned a corner over the last couple of months and I've had to realize that no doctor or therapist is going to truly understand what these drugs have done to me. I wish I had a doctor to help guide me through this, but I don't and I just have to be grateful that I have my husband and my parents.

 

It's funny how this process really seems to shape/change how you view life. It really makes you appreciate the tiny things in life like being able to rest, to stay calm, to be able to exercise and to have mental clarity. I don't think I ever was able to realize how much these drugs had changed the way I think about myself and my perspective on life. I thought that benzos were the main cause of my problems but I'm coming to find out that all of the a/d's I was prescribed over the last 14 yrs were really changing how I think and behave. After stopping my last a/d......Doxepin....my depression has lifted but some new w/d symptoms have emerged. I have to belief that they will pass but that I just need more time.

 

Thanks for thinking of me Flip.

 

Love,

Lou

[[cn...]]

Keep fighting! Fight those negative thoughts! Fake it til you make it! Push through! =)

 

Good days are ahead. =)

[[2w...]]

Lou - you definitely need to take seriously that this may be mostly withdrawal talking, and to give yourself plenty of time and space to recover and heal. But if you don't have connections in the place you are now, maybe it would help to try to reach out and make some? Join a class, or a gym, or a book group - the isolation from w/d can be so debilitating, and even once you start healing, it takes time to regrow those roots that you might have had to retract during your worst times. I know it might not be possible, depending on your level of recovery - but I hope you'll think about it.

 

Also, you've posted a lot about your horrible experience with the debt and the inpatient practice. If you haven't been to a lawyer yet, you really should at least get a consultation - I honestly don't see how what they're doing can possibly be legal. I know it would be a stressful process, but having that debt off of your shoulders might be a relief, too. Good luck whatever you decide!

Hi Improbable,

 

I do need to keep remembering that this is the w/d process and I think I've been doing too much lately. Last week, I did something exhausting nearly everyday and I think it

really caught up w/ me. I'm still in a delicate frame of  mind, so I really appreciate the reminders that everyone is giving on BB that this process is probably not over yet.

 

I have been taking classes online while I've been healing and I do belong to a great gym...........the thing is that I start out strong and I find that I burn out rather quickly so I've realized that I have to take things slower. I've also been doing more things outside lately.......like taking walks w/ my dogs and spending more time watering the yard and gardening. I do miss going to church so I'm hoping to return soon. I do think your idea of staying connected, doing things that will build me up is a really good idea.

 

As far as the debt, we are disputing that w/ our credit card companies and hoping that we can come to some sort of resolution. I've been advised by at least 2 docs who know my former psych doc and who say that I need to take legal action against him because he is causing harm to many others. I wasn't expecting to have to seek legal action against another doc and I really am not sure if it would be worth it. I think my husband and I are having to realize that we may not get the money back........we may have to accept this and move on. We are trying to look at the big picture and realize that my health is the most important thing we need to focus on right now. The doc who won't return our money is holding onto it hoping that I will just go to the outpatient program now and my insurance has approved that. I've been too sick lately from stopping my a/d......Doxepin so I was waiting to see if I feel good enough to go to it. It's not really a good fit........the people there are most alcoholics/addicts and have legal issues in relation to their substance abuse. As you can see I am still up in the air about this and just praying that things will somehow work themselves out.

 

I so appreciate your post and all of your encouragement.

 

Lou

[[2w...]]

hi lou, flip and byby

flip that was one piece of amazing heartfel writing; thanks for that

 

i totally relate.  here in month 9 i feel so frustrated and think my home relates to w/d and that breaks my heart because i put every cent i've made for years into this little sanctuary that i wanted to live in forever.  i keep telling myself that it is just wd because i think it is.  the process is so depressing and scary at times that it is unbelievable.  my fear can spin out of control if i let it.  i have to constantly calm my mind and it is a huge challenge. one day at a time. 

 

we have to be so thankful we are off the drugs for so long.  one therapist told me how many clients she had that can't get off.  but we are off and there is a price of pain but we are handling it.  stay faithful. keep believing in healing and that it will all work out

i am in aa and we see people all the time trying to do what is called a "geographical cure"  but no matter where we go we take ourselves with us.  i would like to suggest letting those thoughts go - even if only for your husband.  having a husband would be such a blessing for me right now..if he could handle this!

 

thanks for being there xoxo

Hi Pan,

 

I so relate to your words about your home. I wanted to own a home for so long and I love our little home........our little dogs and our big, beautiful yard. I almost feel like I spin out of control like you said and only focus on the negative........the things that remind me of taking benzos, being on a/d's, I look around at the clutter, the things I bought while I was so depressed, so hopeless and I want to just run but I know that changing my location will not change how I think. I was in an inpatient program for a week and went to 2 AA meetings a day. I don't consider myself an addict and I don't  drink so I felt really out of place, but I so wish I had that type of support structure.

 

I am so blessed to have my husband. I have pushed him away......threatened divorce and really tried to destroy what we have. I don't think we would have made it this far if we didn't share the same faith in God. This keeps him balanced and strong when I'm not and we are able to focus on what we need to be grateful for instead of how hard this time has been on us.

 

Thanks for stopping by and sharing w/ me. I will be following your blog......it sounds like I can relate to your story.

 

Love,

Lou

[[Bi...]]

Hey lou,

 

I understand what you're saying. The thing is with those negative feelings, once you are healed, your mind goes to Pre-Benzo state.. in which you will just say, "Yeah okay, those things are resolved." and go on. It is the withdrawal, it wants us to think that way. The thing is, it isn't the way we really think. It's very difficult to put.

 

It's good that you are taking online classes. I have been sharpening my.    Calculus skills once again. I have many workbooks on all kinds of Math, and I focus on that. I plan on returning to school. I don't know when, but I'm going to. I also have a GYM up the street from me. I have been thinking about going. Right now, I'm sitting here, doing my Math and looking out at the sun. I have d/r.. but I know it will pass. I had it before and it did. I have had it 7 months now, but it will fade.

 

You will get through this,

Billy.

[[2w...]]

Lou

I was convinced early in my recovery that I needed to move back to another state I lived in 10 years ago. That feeling left after a while.

Please know that wd can cause us to think and feel some intense things we think are "real." It may be that you want to change your life etc, but please wait until you are totally healed to make any changes. I tore down two of my websites for my business and deeply regret that now. I did it a few months out from my C/T thinking I wanted to refocus my business. It was a bad call.

 

Hope your healing goes fast.

Hi recovering,

 

It is strange how real those feelings do feel at the time and how long they last. I've packed up my bags and threatened leaving so many times and have even gotten about 100 miles from home, but I would always realize that my w/d had gotten the best of me. I hope I can be more aware of this so that I don't keep stressing myself and everyone else out like I have been.

 

I'm so sorry about your business websites........it's weird how this process makes you think and how it causes us to make erratic decisions. I think you have made a lot of progress and you shouldn't beat yourself up about those websites........there will be time when you are more clear headed to rebuild them and I'm sure they will be even better than they were to begin with.

 

Thanks so much for letting me know that I'm not alone.........you stay strong too !!

 

Love,

Lou

[[2w...]]

Keep fighting! Fight those negative thoughts! Fake it til you make it! Push through! =)

 

Good days are ahead. =)

Hi cnotr,

 

Thanks for your support. I will continue to fight.......I will not give up on myself.........I know we are all going to make it and I'm just so glad that I have

people at BB to reach out to.

 

Good days are ahead...........I appreciate your post !!

 

Love,

Lou

[[2w...]]

Hey lou,

 

I understand what you're saying. The thing is with those negative feelings, once you are healed, your mind goes to Pre-Benzo state.. in which you will just say, "Yeah okay, those things are resolved." and go on. It is the withdrawal, it wants us to think that way. The thing is, it isn't the way we really think. It's very difficult to put.

 

It's good that you are taking online classes. I have been sharpening my.    Calculus skills once again. I have many workbooks on all kinds of Math, and I focus on that. I plan on returning to school. I don't know when, but I'm going to. I also have a GYM up the street from me. I have been thinking about going. Right now, I'm sitting here, doing my Math and looking out at the sun. I have d/r.. but I know it will pass. I had it before and it did. I have had it 7 months now, but it will fade.

 

You will get through this,

Billy.

Hi Billy,

 

It's good to see you again. Thanks for saying that is it the w/d. I really convince myself that everything is falling apart and that my world is ending and lately I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I've been letting more of my emotions out lately and that really helps. It's hard for me to imagine that my mind will return to pre-benzo state, but I do get previews of that now and then so I know that it is possible.

 

I love school. I've always gone to school and I miss being able to focus on learning. I keep putting my classes to the side, but I know it will help me feel more productive. I think it's great that you are able to keep your mind sharp by working on math. The d/r is very strange. I find it comes and goes for me too. I'm sure you will get to the gym when you are ready. I think you are smart to recognize it and only do what you feel you are ready for. I keep pushing myself to do more and more and then I go backwards and feel even more defeated. Self care is so important right now.

 

Thanks again Billy for your continued support..

Take care,

Lou

[[re...]]

I think we all need to consider that we are recovering from a drug that impacted us much like alcohol. The first few years of sobriety can be roller coaster emotionally.  I find great refuge in working with a 12 step program and a sponsor. I am healing from the klon and red wine I drank every night to ward off the tolerance wd.

 

Your brain is healing Lou. Give it time. Your whole life is mending. Take baby steps. No big decisions.

 

I too hated my home as it reminds me of how sick I have been. But I do my best to focus on the things I love about it. It helps.

 

Pulling a "geographical" wont solve the problems. You will take your memories of wd etc with you.

Hang in there. Healing is happening every day for all of us.

[[...]]

wow great posts on here - rec and billy and lou;  cool

 

thanks for the honesty you guys and for being there.  i had a pretty good 4 days; what a relief as the past couple months were tough.  mild depression, insomnia, anx and fatigue but not the crazy stuff. luv u so

[[2w...]]

Hey Pan,

 

So glad you to hear that you are having some good days. I think you and I are almost in the time frame for the w/d, so let's keep in touch. I am in

my 8th month. The 7th was much harder, but still having some waves.

 

Thanks for you're post. Talk to you soon.

 

Love,

Lou :smitten:

[[2w...]]

I think we all need to consider that we are recovering from a drug that impacted us much like alcohol. The first few years of sobriety can be roller coaster emotionally.  I find great refuge in working with a 12 step program and a sponsor. I am healing from the klon and red wine I drank every night to ward off the tolerance wd.

 

Your brain is healing Lou. Give it time. Your whole life is mending. Take baby steps. No big decisions.

 

I too hated my home as it reminds me of how sick I have been. But I do my best to focus on the things I love about it. It helps.

 

Pulling a "geographical" wont solve the problems. You will take your memories of wd etc with you.

Hang in there. Healing is happening every day for all of us.

This is what I need to remember...............baby steps. You cannot rush this process and when I do I only make it harder on myself.

 

Thanks for your post.

[[...]]

Thanks Lou; yeah; this is sure not a linear process.  i am telling myself "it's over, it's over"  i mean i still have s/x but as long as i don't feel that sick benzo hell slam i can feel tolerant of it.  those waves are brutal.  we have to be so thankful to have this long time under our belt; phew; would not want to have to go thru that again...

[[2w...]]

You are so right Pan. I don't think I could go through this again. I look back at how long it's been and I don't know how I survived this journey either mentally or physically. I'm so grateful to be this far down the road. 

[[...]]

hey lou - thanks for the flowers.  thanks for being you. 

phew...what a trip this is