Tapering

[[Je...]]

I've been tapering from several benzos and zopiclone for the past 9 months.  I did a valium cross over and am currently at 4.5 mg daily.  I have good days and bad days but when I have bad days they seem to erase any previous good days.  I have three small kids and am alone, working full time and cannot take this anymore.  I go nights without sleeping because of anxiety and other painful withdrawal symptoms.  I'm doing a slow taper and don't know if I can make it some days.  I am really scared.

[[Bi...]]

Jennifer1974,

 

Welcoming you to Benzo Buddies.

 

You will find plenty of support here.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

 

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Tapering Boards:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=56.0General General Taper Plans

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=62.0Titration Titration Taper Plans

 

Billy.

[[...]]

Hello Jennifer1974,

 

Welcome.  Please make yourself at home, and feel free to ask questions.  There are many kind and understanding people here.

 

the best to you

 

pj

[[Be...]]

Hi Jennifer1974,

 

Welcome on board   I'm sorry that things are so tough going for you.  This is a mammoth journey and requires all our energy and bravery.. Being lone with children, and working is doubly trying.  One minute, one day at a time is the only way forward when it's like this.... You will be better, the day will come for sure.

 

I know how you mean that the bad days completely erase the memory of the good.  That seems so cruel..

 

You are doing everything right.  A slow taper, and you are so close now Jennifer.  I know you are tired and road weary but you really are nearly finished.. I'm at 4.5 mg too! 

 

Do hang in there. Each day moves you further in the right direction.

 

There are plenty of nice and supportive threads here in the forum and you will receive good support..

 

Hugs,

Betsy xxxx

[[Je...]]

Thanks for welcoming me to the board Billy and PJ and a huge thanks to Betsy.  Your post made me cry so much but not in a bad way.  I stay at each dose for 4 weeks and my next cut to 4.0 is this week.  Do you have good days and bad days as well.  I know some people say they have no "windows" until they are completely done taking the pills.  Is it normal to have windows during the taper and is that a good thing?  I will make more sense on days when I have slept but this is not one of them.

 

[[Be...]]

Thanks for welcoming me to the board Billy and PJ and a huge thanks to Betsy.  Your post made me cry so much but not in a bad way.  I stay at each dose for 4 weeks and my next cut to 4.0 is this week.  Do you have good days and bad days as well.  I know some people say they have no "windows" until they are completely done taking the pills.  Is it normal to have windows during the taper and is that a good thing?  I will make more sense on days when I have slept but this is not one of them.

 

Hi Jennifer,

 

I'm no expert, but did you consider cutting .25mg on your next cut if the going is very rough?  Just a thought and considering your responsibility load...

 

Each person's taper is different.  Truly no taper is the same. Any window is good I guess. It's a sign that there is some healing going on and it is a relief from the weight.

 

I do have good days and bad days.. On the good days I find my head clears and I'm able to chat - good day today!  On my bad days it's so difficult to find much meaning and my head is so cloudy. Like you, the amount of sleep I get is going to determine how the day will go too.

 

How old are your children?  Do you have anyone to support you?

 

Bxxxx

[[Je...]]

My doctor is not very knowledgeable about benzos and the pharmacist I deal with doesn't help much either.  They both think this should not be as difficult as it is for me so I am reluctant to change the tapering schedule again.  I have extended the period between cuts from 2 weeks to 4 weeks already and originally was cutting 1 mg each time and had to slow it down to 0.5 once i hit 5mg of Valium.  Kids are 5, 8, and 9.  I feel so bad for them and so envious of all the "healthy" moms.  They deserve better.  I have some support from my mother and friends but is it ever enough?  They cannot understand unless they have been here and I feel like a broken record.  Some symptoms that I had after I finished the Clonazepam are gone such as complete constant body pain but it comes and goes.  I get burning in my ears and that is very troubling.  My facial numbness comes and goes.  The worst now are insomnia, anxiety, no energy, and upset stomach everyday.  It's very hard not too feel negative and worry that I will never be better again and I always wonder how much of my life I have to lose during this process.  Thanks for talking to me.

[[ma...]]

Hi Jennifer

 

Welcome to the forum, hang in there jenn it will get better, as Betsy said try smaller cuts.

 

 

Love

Margarita

[[ma...]]

 

My doctor is not very knowledgeable about benzos and the pharmacist I deal with doesn't help much either

My doctor was the same i got no help.

 

 

have you read ashtons manual

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/

 

 

[[Je...]]

Thanks Magrita.  Days like today, I just want to give up but I remember that I had a normal life before benzos.  Thanks for the support!  My anxiety was mainly situational such as public speaking, mild social anxiety but I could avoid most of the triggers.  Worst mistake of my life was telling a doctor and them handing me a prescription for Xanax and said this will help you and it's not addictive.  I actually believed them at the time.

[[ma...]]

Thanks Magrita.  Days like today, I just want to give up but I remember that I had a normal life before benzos.  Thanks for the support!  My anxiety was mainly situational such as public speaking, mild social anxiety but I could avoid most of the triggers.  Worst mistake of my life was telling a doctor and them handing me a prescription for Xanax and said this will help you and it's not addictive.  I actually believed them at the time.

 

Jennifer I know how hard it is and doubly hard when you have young kids.

It is what it is Jenn dont look back look forward, you will get well again it will take time

I didnt think i would make it but i did and so will you!!!

 

love

Margarita

[[Be...]]

Hi Jennifer,

 

It is hard to not get discouraged and easy think that this is it.. That we are doomed to feel miserable and cut off for the rest of our lives.  I do feel like that often but then I get myself over to the success stories and read how people have recovered and have regained control of their lives.. We are feeling very vulnerable in this state and it's understandable to feel scared and despondent... It's good to hang together at this point and buoy each other up..We need people who really understand, right?  We are a good bunch here and we keep each other going..

 

Hugs,

Betsyxxx

 

P.S.  I forgot to say:  Our Margrita is one of the success stories

[[Je...]]

It's good to see that someone who was on Valium for 24 years could get off and move on with life.  I refuse to go backwards and give in to the pills but it's so hard.  Another topic that I wonder about, how many people tell others what they are going through?  It gets harder and harder to make up reasons why I can't do things, etc? 

[[ma...]]

It's good to see that someone who was on Valium for 24 years could get off and move on with life.  I refuse to go backwards and give in to the pills but it's so hard.  Another topic that I wonder about, how many people tell others what they are going through?  It gets harder and harder to make up reasons why I can't do things, etc?

 

Jennifer i gave up telling people, they didnt understand anyhow only another benzo sufferer knows the full extent of what your going through

I think you have done a great job up to now

 

Margarita 

[[Je...]]

Thanks, I'll try to keep up appearances, lol.

[[Be...]]

Hi Jennifer,

 

Hows it going today Are you finding your way around?

 

I was out and about earlier.  Actually met someone for a coffee at their house.  I had to push myself to go but it was ok.. This person talks lots so I was able to sit and listen.  Suits me right now!

 

Hugs,

Betsy xxxx

[[Je...]]

Hi Betsy, I had a bad evening with lots of panic.  Slept a bit and am at work today.  I'm very shaky, facial numbness, weak legs and burning head.  Do you have any of those symptoms on bad days?  I wish I could cut my dose as fast as you and begin healing.  I'm having trouble believing I will ever heal.  I am wondering how many people can keep working through this?

[[Be...]]

Hi Jennifer,

 

I'm sorry you are poorly.  Again how many days is it since your last cut?  It sounds as if you really are going to have to consider cutting by a smaller amount.  A .25 cut or less next time should ease up matters somewhat.  Each person is different in how they tolerate the taper and you really have to pay attention to the symptoms.  If they are too strong you might consider the possibility of a .25mg up dose to stabilize.  Then hold for the usual time and begin cutting with .25mg or less.  The goal is to be functional.

 

I do get symptoms on bad days.  Mine are usually Restless legs, muscle jerks, rash and itching and depression.. Each person is different. I know it's scary but they are really only symptoms of withdrawing from the drug..  Do you take anything else that could be affecting your symptoms ie supplements, coffee, alcohol ?

 

Betsyxxxx

[[Mi...]]

It's good to see that someone who was on Valium for 24 years could get off and move on with life.  I refuse to go backwards and give in to the pills but it's so hard.  Another topic that I wonder about, how many people tell others what they are going through?  It gets harder and harder to make up reasons why I can't do things, etc?

 

Hi Jennifer.  Congratulations on getting this far down the road towards benzo freedom, that is not an easy task.  Yes, this process is isolating and not readily understood by others.  First, there is the hurdle of others seeing us as addicts, even though accidental.  Then they just do not understand the struggles we face during taper and recovery.  I finally confided in my best friend, gave her all the lowdown on the difficulties we face and asked for her help.  I found that to be so freeing.  Not only does she offer me daily encouragement and support, she often runs interference for me with our wider social circle.  A big shout out to best friends!

 

Hang in there Jennifer.  You are not alone, all of us here are in various stages of withdrawal and recovery.  We understand and we care.

 

MiniMinnie

[[Je...]]

My last cut was 4 weeks ago.  I am picking up my new package of 4 weeks today at 4.0mg per day.  This is not going well right now but in February I had 18 "good" days.  It's been a roller coaster for me the entire process.  I don't want to slow it down, I just want to keep plugging on despite how bad I feel cause I can get closer to the end of my taper this way.  I gave up coffee and pop.  I don't drink alcohol ever or smoke and barely even take Tylenol so nothing other than these nasty benzos in my system.  Thanks for the posts Betsy and MiniMinnie.  I have told a few friends but not many.  They are helpful and offer help but they can't raise my kids and live my life.  Sorry if I sound negative right now.  I was at the doctors today and he keeps telling me I should try to take Seraquel.  I keep telling him I don't want any pills at all and want to be chemical free.  They don't get it.  I wasn't like this before the benzo tolerance and withdrawal.

[[Je...]]

I finally gave in to the pressure from doctors and took Seroquel.  I feel horrible on it and don't want it at all!!!  They are actually telling me that it is not addictive and safe to take.  I cannot even believe I agreed to take it.  I took one 25mg pill for two nights and I cannot function next day.  I feel like someone hit me in the head with a hammer and my vision is messed up.  This is so wrong and I refuse to continue with an Antipsychotic when all I ever had to start was a bit of anxiety.  I hate to give up but I think I might increase benzo dose and tryagain in a year or two.  I cannot work and raise my kids while tapering and I have no choice.  My spouse will be back from his job that took him away in 18 months so I can have his support for the kids to try this again at a later date.  I feel terrible giving up and wasting 9 months of tapering but I cannot go on this way right now.  Do others give up and try again later?

[[Be...]]

Hi Jennifer,

 

I am really sorry that you are feeling so bad. I know how hard it is to be alone, work, and taper.  Nothing short of hell I'd imagine. I'm a single parent and don't work and that is hard enough.

 

Did you stop the seroquel?

 

I think I read somewhere here on the forum who took a break from tapering...  I know up dosing hasn't worked for everyone.  I suppose that you will eventually hit tolerance again at some point.. Would you start a post in the withdrawal recovery and support section and ask?  I'm sure someone will chime in.

 

For now maybe you could try to stabilize.  Get a bit more level by holding your dose for a while.

 

Good luck with your decision.. Have you spoken to your doctor about going up?

 

Betsy xxxx

[[Je...]]

Hi Betsy,  I dumped the Seroquel so I won't be tempted to take it, it's not the answer for me.  I cannot reach my doctor so I don't know if I can up dose or not.  I might just do it anyway and worry about it later.  Up dosing worked for me after my first attempt at cold turkey so I hope it will work again.  I know I'm putting off the inevitable but it's too hard right now.  I need to do this when I don't have to work full time, raise 3 boys alone, etc..  I do feel disappointed in myself but I feel backed into a corner right now. 

[[Mi...]]

{{{{{{Jennifer}}}}}}  I feel for you honey.  Single Mom of 3 boys, working full time, going through this benzo crap.  Sounds like you have already dealt with a lot in life and that you are a fighter.  Strap on your six shooter cause this is war!  You will survive, you will get better and your life will be so much better benzo free.  Only you can decide if updosing and stabilizing before another taper is the right thing for you in your circumstances.  Whatever you decide, I'm here rooting for you. 

 

MiniMinnie

[[Bi...]]

Jennifer,

 

How are you doing?

 

Billy.