Perspective, Please

[[Sh...]]

Hi,

 

I have been lurking on these boards for some time mostly just reading everyone's posts and responses. It has been a good spot to check out for me - especially when there was nobody who understood.

 

Well, I am holding for 2 weeks at 2mg Valium, down from 60mg Valium that I crossed over to from Clonzepam 3mg. I started my taper in May 2011. Things are getting very rough. I am going through the motions but can barely get a thing done at work. I am intensely distracted and cannot focus much. I sit there in hell all day, my mind racing. All of these things from my past fly through my head, relentlessly, one after the other. I have no defense. I am ashamed of my life. I feel guilty. I think about my behaviors and do not think they were much different from what they are now. I feel like I must have always been this way, but was somehow deluding myself. The really sad part is, it is true. I was a terrible mess for a long time. None of it is OK. Maybe I will have to reckon with it now, but why is it suddenly unlocked this way? Did this happen to anyone else? My friends say I am too hard on myself but all I see is a stream of terrible choices and now I am alone and miserable.

 

What the hell is a person supposed to do with this?

 

Thanks for some input.

[[bo...]]

Hello Shetland600,

 

I posted at nearly same time you did on the exact same topic.  i am also at 2 mg and suffering emotionally.  The negative thoughts have been relentless for me from the moment I wake up.  I cried and spewed out my feelings of inadequacy today, I truly hate my identity as a human being right now and struggle with the notion that this person I am every day is really who I am.  I keep asking my spouse who I was before all of this trying to identify with something other than how I feel now.  I just wanted you to know that there is another out there who can relate.

[[Me...]]

Hi, Shetland,

 

I was lurking here for a couple months off and on, trying to get an idea of just what a trial I'd be in for when I started tapering.  I am currently suffering tolerance withdrawals.  Also, if I go ahead and take a little more klonopin to ease symptoms, I feel really bad that way, too. 

 

Listen, I really think what you are going through might have a whole lot to do with withdrawals.  The feelings you describe are often present in depression and withdrawals can cause depressive symptoms.  I go through periods of guilt and shame and feelings of worthlessness.  I don't know if it's just like how you feel, but I certainly have my own experience of these types of feelings.  And, it's awful.  The reading I've been doing for months on benzo withdrawal has warned about this type of thing but always, always, my reading has reinforced that it's part of the healing process and that it WILL lift.  You are SO close.  Again, from my reading, I get the impression that some people continue to feel cruddy, but then the sun breaks through, often just when you think you can't deal with the $%@ anymore! 

 

I haven't begun my taper yet, and I want to tell you that you are one of many here who inspire me.  Even though it's really hard, you're doing it and that's exactly what makes me feel like maybe I'll succeed too.  Even if you don't feel like you're succeeding, and I sure understand that you are suffering, look at how far you've come.  They say it'll pass.  They ALL say it'll pass.

 

Best wishes,

Melodie