Can't take much more

[[Ho...]]

I cannot stand all these endless months of waiting, waiting, waiting.... it is driving me CRAZY and keeping me in misery!! Honestly, I do not believe it will ever end. I don't know why, i just can't see myself being back to the way I was. I don't remember what life is like not in wd. It's been to many years. 

[[jr...]]

((((((((((((Holly)))))))))))))

 

I feel exactly the same way.

 

[[Ho...]]

I am just so incredibly lost, I have no choice but to decide on a career in 3 months when I graduate, and for some reason my mind will not let me even think of what I'd want to do or be good at. Even before benzos my high sensitivity and anxiety prevented me from holding normal jobs. So i have no idea where to go from here. 

[[Sc...]]

Holly, I was feeling the same way only one month ago.  I had a wave that literally lasted months and it only seemed to get worse each week.  I thought it would never end and spent most days in tears trying to figure out how I would get through life feeling so horrible.  But now things have lifted.  And it literally changed over night.  I am no where near where I want to be...but life is so much better now then it was only a month or two ago.  So just keep going.  Things can change over night and what you feel this very moment you may not feel tomorrow.  I know it's not always that easy, but just remember to expect the unexpected w/ benzo w/d...and good times are on their way.  It just takes time.  You are young and have an awesome future ahead of you...so hang tight.  I wish I had more words to help, but all I can say is that I'm finally get some relief and it's well worth the wait.

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[Ho...]]

Thank you Schatje, But i'm losing faith that it will be worth the wait... I mean I look back on who I was before, and even then I had so many problems. The only time I felt normal and functional was way before I ever touched a psych drug (which was when I was about 13) and when I was on high doses of klonopin. I have no idea who I'll be after all of this, and it's terrifying.

 

 

The thing that sent me over the edge today was seeing this affect my life in yet more ways.. i finally made some friends who I really love, they invited me out to the city again, which of course will involve a night of drinking until 5 or 6 am. I agreed at first since I do not want to lose their friendship, but then tonight I made up some excuse to get out of it because the prospect of drinking so much right now scares me (and, i'll admit, also because of my social anxiety). It's like, why can't I just catch a break and be allowed to LIVE my life? It's passing me by at such a young age!

[Guest [...]]

Holly: I am so sorry to hear you are suffering like this at a young age. It is bad enough when you are as old as I am but at least I had fun when I was young. My 4 kids are probably all older than you!

 

When you say you were on a high dose of Klonopin, was that the 1mg in your signature? I've never used it but that doesn't sound high. Is that equivalent to 20mg Valium? Did you feel OK when you were taking that much?

 

Sending you best wishes and peace.

 

Xana

[[...]]

I'm sorry you're suffering and losing hope. 

 

I can relate.  I have a really difficult time trying to be positive and wonder if I'll ever be healthy again.  I also feel like I'm missing out on so much.  My dad had a little birthday get together with my sister, her husband, and my cute 10-months old nephew a few days ago.  I wasn't well enough to join them for dinner and that makes me sad.

 

Be kind to yourself and try to be patient.  You can have a bright and healthy future.

 

PM me anytime you need to talk. 

 

[[pa...]]

Hi Holly,  I,m 62' my dear mom use to say to my sisters and myself, "can't put an old head on young shoulders".  Well, maybe I can help do that for you, I hope so.  Firstly, you are a very intelligent person, why do you want to lose faith, you have it in you, look what you have accomplished.  Yes, you have had lots of struggles with life, these drugs, and you just want a normal life.  You will get that back, you just need to fight thru this period, you can and will get there, but you have to believe, as difficult as this journey is.  You made a very good decision, didn,t want to drink alcohol, very smart. Though, can you not still go out with friends and stick with mineral water, just tell your friends I'm not drinking right now.  Listen, you have your whole life ahead of you, you are bright/very intelligent.  Hang thru this, you will get there.  Hugs, pattylu

[[Fl...]]

Holly, you probably already know that I can relate to the social anxiety issues, and even at 14 months out I still hesitate to get involved in activities that wouldn't have been an issue for me before all of this, but little by little things ARE getting better.

 

Last weekend I even found myself at a club, all by myself. Went to meet a friend but didn't end up finding him so I stopped at a place I used to frequent before this whole mess. It's a loud place full of "interesting" people. I grabbed a drink and hung out for awhile and actually enjoyed the scene. Social anxiety was virtually non-existent. Hung out for awhile before heading out on the street which was PACKED with people (we hosted NBA All Star weekend here) and walked around for awhile before heading home. Not a bad night overall, and something I would have had a hard time with just a few months ago.

 

Oh yea, and believe it or not, I'm actually making some progress with a girl I met awhile back when I was just coming out of acute wd. Hung out with her the weekend before last when she was downtown for a bachelorette party. Yep, me and a bunch of crazy girls partying downtown. That was the first time in a long time that I have been able to make that kind of connection and it felt good. I am very much looking forward to getting that aspect of my social life back 

 

Point is, you are where I was at just a few months ago. Don't lose hope. Healing is closer than you think.

[[ws...]]

2 years Holly....that should be everybodys target goal.

 

It will keep you from getting frustrated at 8 months off....which in benzo time is not long unfortunately.

 

 

Stay the course and you will get better.

 

Andy

[[sw...]]

I cannot stand all these endless months of waiting, waiting, waiting.... it is driving me CRAZY and keeping me in misery!! Honestly, I do not believe it will ever end. I don't know why, i just can't see myself being back to the way I was. I don't remember what life is like not in wd. It's been to many years.

 

Well, hopefully you won't feel the same as you did before all of this- you'll feel much, much better. 

[[Ho...]]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Xana - when I said high doses I basically meant whenever I took enough Klonopin to stave off the tolerance wd. So yes, sometimes this was over 1mg (although I still never took more than prescribed), but in all honesty my memory is so bad that I can't even remember exactly HOW much. But yes, whenever I took enough to get out of tolerance wd I felt great, normal, functional, at peace(...while it stayed in my system and before tolerance hit again, that is!)

 

I think what it comes down to for me is that my self esteem is SO LOW that I do not feel I have the ability to function without these psych drugs. I was forced on them so young, there was a lot of trauma involved with that, and now it's ingrained in me that I must have them to function. I don't know how to get out of that cycle. I think this is what creates all of my anxiety.

[[...]]

Do you have a therapist you can talk to who could help you work through your trauma without resorting to medication?