14 months off- getting closer

[[Fl...]]

It's been another interesting couple of months.

 

I am happy to report that for the most part, the corner I turned at 12.5 months has held up.

 

At my new baseline I now have at least some motivation, my cognitive function is improving, and the dp/dr is mostly gone. With these cognitive improvements the anxiety has started to creep back in but it is mostly in the form of rolling waves of panicky anxiety during the evenings that last a couple of hours at most.

 

My waves have been very strange. One day a couple of weeks ago I was hit with a solid day of non-stop anxiety. No rhyme or reason.....it just crept up and slammed me out of nowhere. The next day I was fine.

 

Aside from that I do have periods of a day or more from time to time where some of the dp/dr creeps back in and along with it a dysphoric mood that might even border on low grade depression.

 

The only other symptoms I have (mostly during waves) are:

 

- impaired memory, improving but still shaky

 

- pain in my right jaw muscles, comes and goes, annoying but not serious

 

- head sensations, pressure, buzzing, "dry brain" feeling, comes and goes during waves

 

- broken sleep patterns, wake early in morning and drift in and out of sleep

 

- vivid dreams and nightmares, often corresponding with broken sleep

 

- hot flashes, indecision, mild GI issues

 

Thankfully most days I feel at or close to my baseline in between one to three days of a "wave", followed by a partial window that usually lasts close to two weeks. Right now I am in a wave and looking forward to the next window that will hopefully be right around the corner.

 

At this point I can definitely see the possibility of being fully healed in the coming months. I know I could easily get slammed again but so far my wd has followed a somewhat linear pattern without too much in the way of serious setbacks so I'm hoping that pattern continues.

 

 

[[...]]

That is awesome FloridaGuy and it gives me so much needed hope!  Hoping for complete healing soon!

[[Sc...]]

This is an awesome update and I thank you so much for taking the time to write it with so much detail.  I am so happy to hear you are coming around and seeing many improvements.  All the best to you and soon enough you'll be at the finish line!

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[Sa...]]

Sounds like you've made plenty progress.  Just imagine how many months it took to get where you are -- and all the progress to be proud of.  I'm positive that you will be making a full recovery before you know it. Keep it up man.

 

Good luck

-Sam

[[Ga...]]

Way to go FloridaGuy

[[ar...]]

Glad to hear your improvements.  Thanks for giving us hope.

[[Fl...]]

Thanks everyone.

 

I have probably overestimated my progress in the past but these days I do feel like I am close. My windows have always been tied to smell and these days I have been getting that heightened sense of smell almost every day. Besides feeling better in general it's little things like this that give me more confidence in the idea that it might not take a full two years to recover from this nightmare. If it does...oh well....but it would be nice to fit into that 18 month slot 

[[...]]

Sounds good.

 

How long did it take for your sleep to get consistently better?

[[Fl...]]

Trig,

 

I didn't have much of a problem with sleep until later in the first year. At that time I started having the broken morning sleep and along with it vivid dreams. Since then it's been up and down. I would say that I still get an adequate amount of sleep at least 90% of of the time, even on most night where I have the broken sleep.

 

Since my sleeping patterns started to change I have also started having nights where I sleep better than I have in years. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I am consistently lifting heavy at the gym and eating lots of protein so my testosterone levels are probably up, but I wouldn't have been able to get that kind of sleep six months ago, that's for sure.

[[...]]

Trig,

 

I didn't have much of a problem with sleep until later in the first year. At that time I started having the broken morning sleep and along with it vivid dreams. Since then it's been up and down. I would say that I still get an adequate amount of sleep at least 90% of of the time, even on most night where I have the broken sleep.

 

Since my sleeping patterns started to change I have also started having nights where I sleep better than I have in years. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I am consistently lifting heavy at the gym and eating lots of protein so my testosterone levels are probably up, but I wouldn't have been able to get that kind of sleep six months ago, that's for sure.

 

Interesting, and that's actually reassuring to hear because my sleep has overall gotten worse since the beginning of my withdrawal. After my 3 day acute withdrawal was over, I was sleeping good for the next 3 months, like 8 to 10 hours a night. In my 4th month of withdrawal was when my sleep got bad, down to like 5 hours a night, with a couple nights of no sleep or 1-2 hours. I know almost all of us think this from time to time, but I was starting to believe that something was wrong with me and that it wasn't withdrawal.

 

Now my sleep's still all over the place, but usually I can sleep for at least 6. Still have some nights with no sleep though. I'm thinking about going back to the gym myself. I've started doing cardio again recently, running and riding an exercise bike, but I think you're on to something regarding the testosterone.

 

I remember last year when I was lifting only, about 5 times a week, my sleep was awesome. Guess it's time to start hitting the weights again, and eating more protein.

[[ve...]]

That's great news Floridaguy.  At 14 months, I was coming out of a setback but could see the light ahead and eventually wrote a success story at around 17 months.  I think you have a great shot at more healing by that 18 month milestone.  As Trig posted, I also was so tired in the early months off that my sleep was much improved from months 2-7.  It seemed that when I started lifting weights and exercising more, I got into a pattern of early morning wake ups (around 5:30AM) but feeling very alert (still annoying since I don't have to be up before 6:45 most days and 8 on weekends).  This would sometimes lead to afternoon fatigue and feeling like I need a nap pretty strongly.  I have been consistently getting 5-6 hours a night for a year (my second year off) but can't seem to push it to 8 hours.  At 2 years off, I recently started melatonin to see if that might help (I've had a couple 7 hour nights thus far).  It seems that sleep is the last hurdle for me, what keeps me from changing my signature from 95 to 100% recovery, although truth be told, I did not have 100% sleep consistency before benzos either!

 

Continued healing,

 

Vertigo

[[Fl...]]

Funny we're talking about sleep cause last night was the worst night I've had in awhile. I'm sure it is just corresponding with the light wave I am in but sitting here right now I feel like I need another 3 hours of sleep but don't have the ability to get it. I have also been feeling like I am getting sick the past day or so. Maybe it's all benzo wd? Who the hell knows. I just wish I knew when this is going to be over with. I could deal with these remaining symptoms much easier if I had any kind of assurance of when they would be gone.

[[ve...]]

Funny we're talking about sleep cause last night was the worst night I've had in awhile. I'm sure it is just corresponding with the light wave I am in but sitting here right now I feel like I need another 3 hours of sleep but don't have the ability to get it. I have also been feeling like I am getting sick the past day or so. Maybe it's all benzo wd? Who the hell knows. I just wish I knew when this is going to be over with. I could deal with these remaining symptoms much easier if I had any kind of assurance of when they would be gone.

 

Yep, it would be great to know exactly when a life off benzos will turn around and  be a great life again. Unfortunately, it just doesn't seem to work that way. In fact, I don't think there is all that much certainty in life in general for most (even for those who never took benzos) either. Certainty seems to be an illusion. Life throws stuff at us and we somehow need to deal with it. True, it's probably tougher during taper, after a c/t or even some months after either one. I do know that time helped a lot to give me the confidence to know that I didn't need a freaking pill to cover up any strong emotions, fears or concerns. Healing, and consistent sleep eventually happens but on it's own schedule!

 

Vertigo

[[re...]]

Hey FG

 

Your & my time line & healing feel very much on par.

 

I relate to so much you are experiencing.

 

I have come to terms with the fact that 18 months might turn into 24 but that's OK with me.

 

I'm just so grateful we are healing!

 

Hugs

 

B