How can this be so hard?

[[Ho...]]

I truly don't know how to keep going.  I am now just over 6 months off.  I have no history of anxiety or depression prior to this benzo mess.  I am so debilitated still!  I was forced to quit my job at the end of my taper.  I haven't left the house without my husband in 7 months and even with his assistance, I feel SO uncomfortable when I'm in public.  He took me to the post office this morning and I began to feel all the increasingly familiar panic feelings.  There was no threat to me at all.  I was watching everyone else going so effortlessly about their business and it made me so sad.  I have been crying all day because of this outing.  I can't even run a simple errand with help!  I am also 6.5 months pregnant.  How will I ever care for a baby when I am like this?  I know I will heal eventually but it doesn't seem worth feeling this tortured for another year or more.  I don't know how to get through today.  I am trying to be patient and positive but I am so exhausted and beaten down.  I just don't see a way through this anymore.  I feel like others are suffering but are at least able to get out and about and live life somewhat normally.  I am no better now at 6 months than I was at 2 months off.  I have had no windows to date!  How do I do this?  Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

[[se...]]

i am very sorry that you are having so much trouble.  I know exactly how you fell... as a matter of fact i am getting ready to go the store and I too feel like ecerybody else is care free and im the only one that has problems. I just tell myself that everybody has problems of thier own and i just try to be thankful things are not worse. Some body once told me that as long as you are feeling resistance you are moving forward!!! hang in there and dont give up hope. SMILE!!! Congrats on welcoming a new baby!!

[[Sa...]]

(((Hope)))) I haven't had any windows either and I'm getting close to 4 months off soon. The only thing we can do now is just keep surviving and reading success stories to know that we all will heal! I've heard of other people not having windows but kind of hitting a turning point in their withdrawal where things start to get better, I hope that's the case for both of us! Hang in there!

 

Sassy

[[Be...]]

Sometimes, when faced with adversity and desparate situations, we find strength to do things we did not think we could do. The powerful tugs of motherhood may give you the strength you need. If not, you may have to lean on friends or family for a bit. Also, know that many folks turn corners at about where you are, so there is hope. Best of luck to you and congratulations on the new addition to your family!

[[Ga...]]

Hope Ive only been out 3 times in 6 mo. Its awful, go to the agoraphobia post in Anxiety.

 

It seems to happen to us in this mess. Hope you feel better.

 

You have something wonderful to look fwd to, your baby coming will be so nice

[[Ho...]]

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement!  It is so nice to hear from people who understand.  I hope you're right and things will start to look up soon.  Wishing you all speedy recoveries! 

 

Hope

[[ne...]]

Hi Hope,

 

I went c/t off Xanax and Valium and Celexa right before I got pregnant almost 12 years ago.  I didn't know anything about withdrawal from these drugs at that time and for many years to come.  I had severe insomnia, daily bloody noses, chronic sinusitius throughout the entire pregnancy, severe carpal tunnel in both wrists, constant headaches and daily crying bouts that would last for hours.  Ok, all that aside, what kept me going was the amazing miracle that was happening inside me, especially when they started to move!(I had twins).  I was seriously depressed throughout the whole pregnancy and also had post partem depression.  I just assumed that all of my symptoms were related to pregnancy hormones.  Anyway, I loved every minute of it because I fulfilled my life long dream of becoming a mother.  It was hard but it was so worth it.  They will be 12 next month and they are my whole world.  There is no greater gift in this life than having children IMO.

 

Shortly after they were born, I resumed the Xanax and Valium and my insomnia went away but what a price to pay!  Please try to resist going back to benzo's after the baby is born because it might be hard to say no if a doctor offers them.  Know that the stressful times will pass and you can do this!!!!

 

Hugs and Best Wishes!!!

 

Newrain

[[re...]]

Hi Hope,

I'm so sorry you're going through this! It really is a horrible experience. I wanted to tell you, I'm pregnant as well, and I've been having a few bizarre things going on. I fully attribute them to the pregnancy because I have been healed for a long time. I'm dealing with insomnia (not like benzo insomnia though). I've also had the shakes a descent amount. I think it's hormonal because it's not related to anxiety.

 

Also, have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy? It really can start to help. It teaches you how to deal with the panic and you start to feel better in those uncomfortable situations. While I completely attribute all of this to the drugs, there is a psychological component and overcoming that can be helpful as well. You also start to feel accomplished if you can test your limits. Let me know if you'd like some tips for cbt. It does help, even if it is the drugs. I never had "anxiety" problems before benzos. I'd traveled the world and been in all kinds of stressful situations. Then, suddenly leaving the house was a problem. It was crazy! But even if it is the drugs, cbt absolutely helps!

[[Ho...]]

Newrain-

Thanks for sharing your story!  I have NO intentions of EVER touching another benzo again!  As far as I'm concerned, those pills are the devil and using them is like pouring cyanide directly into our brains.  I am having such an awful time but that is not an option for me.  I know that I would eventually be right back where I am now and maybe even in worse off.  I truly hope the baby will be a wonderful distraction and will help me push through this withdrawal to the end.  I just worry about being able to be a good mother in this state.  I feel robbed of my first pregnancy and potentially the beginning of my child's life.  You take care!

 

Hope

[[Ho...]]

Recovered- 

Congrats to you on your pregnancy!  How far along are you?  I know we are all different but how long did it take you before you began to feel better?  I truly thought if I made it to the 6 month point I would be at least comfortable again.  No such luck!  Sure, you can share your CBT techniques.  I am willing to try anything at this point.  I'm in a pretty desperate state.

 

Hope

[[ne...]]

Hi Hope,

 

I have one suggestion that I think will help you during this time and while your baby is young.....keep a daily journal about all of your feelings regarding your new little one.  This way, even if you don't remember, it will all be in writing.  Hope this helps. 

Wish you all the best!

 

Newrain

[[re...]]

Hi Hope,

I'm about seven weeks so still super early, but boy does pregnancy take it out of you sometimes! It just hits me that I'm exhausted and I have to lie down. Fortunately my husband is good to me.

 

I have a theory about the psychological components of benzo withdrawal. While it is 100% the drugs, I think it becomes a self perpetuating cycle. Insomnia can be the same way. Check out jittery's post on a restricted sleep schedule and how that's worked for her if you're suffering from insomnia.

 

As for the anxiety, I think our brains "learn" this behavior, so we basically have to retrain our brains and rework the wiring. While the drugs have done this to our brains, we have to work our way out of it. Your brain is trained to be scared when you leave your house. Fortunately this is totally treatable and CBT is one of the only proven, successful treatments for anxiety and ptsd type symptoms, which benzo withdrawal mimics.

 

First, you have to break your cycle of thinking. Some of these techniques sound simple and even silly, but they really do work. The most important part of CBT is to take a more passive approach to your healing. So here's an example. Your husband wants you to go to the post office with him. The adrenaline starts flowing and that starts your cycle of panic. You have to take a more hands off approach. You know logically nothing is going to happen so don't focus on your panicked feelings. Just let them be. This is much harder to do than it sounds. When your husband asks you to go out, ignore your feelings completely. Let your heart pound and your body shake. It's not going to hurt you. Give it no mind.

 

You also have to break your cycle of thoughts. You probably don't even realize you have these thoughts, but you do. Wear a rubberband around your wrist. When the fear creeps into your mind, literally pop the rubberband and say to yourself a different statement, something like "I'm going to be fine." Something simple. Do this over and over and over again. Every time a negative thought pops into your head. This way you can consciously break the cycle of thoughts and fears in your mind.

 

Also practice relaxation techniques. Your body is in a heightened state of alert, and it'll stay that way until you can work your way out of it. Lie on your sofa and take ten deep breaths. Then focus on relaxing every muscle in your body from your head to your toe. Do this at least three times a day to reteach your body how to relax.

 

Also check out this website. It has some good resources and tools that can help. http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/.

 

Think of it as being about breaking a cycle. The drugs rewired your brain but you really can build new connections. You have more control over this than you realize. It's like if you had physical brain damage. You'd literally have to relearn how to walk or write or talk. You have to reteach your brain how to be calm, but you totally can.

 

Keep me posted! When's your baby due? Any idea if it's a boy or girl yet?