At 8 mos. still feel "damaged"--when does this feeling go away?

[[ma...]]

I don't quite know how to explain it, but I have this kind of gnawing sense of being damaged goods, more precisely "brain-damaged."  I second guess myself a lot and my perceptions.  I know that my self-esteem and self-confidence were very gradually and insidiously worn down over the years I took benzos, which I could not see happening at the time.  This whole thing has proven to be rather mysterious on many levels, and these feelings I'm having are probably only experienced by long-term users. 

 

Maybe it's part of the w/d process to fear that you're permanently brain-damaged.  I just feel like my brain doesn't work like it used to.  I guess it's what some people refer to as cog fog.  Aside from the intensified anxiety and insomnia since jumping, I just have this overall sense that I'm not the same person I was before taking these godforsaken drugs.  I keep waiting to feel like "me" again and I guess after 8 months I thought I would.

 

Anyone else experience this?  I'd love to hear from you as this is REALLY disturbing to me.

 

Mal

[[pi...]]

Hey Mal,

 

I know just how you feel and although I do believe I will heal, part of me will still think that I am damaged in some way.  I feel like these drugs have violated the real me.  The good thing is I am starting to have many more better days than bad.  Most of my remaining sxs are physical and at times I just forget about withdrawal completely.  Last week during one of my best days I was trying to remember how I was 3 years ago before this epic tale began.  I'm not sure if I can be the same, I am too aware now of so many things that can do damage to the human body. I am very appreciative of the good days, probably more than when I was well. I know that my sense of humor and being able to have fun with people is coming back, before I would just hope to get through social events or not even attend. For me the better I feel the more confidence I have.  I'm not sure I want to even be the same person again, lest something like this happens to me again (NEVER).

 

Hugs,

 

pianogirl 

[[ma...]]

Piano girl,

 

Yea, I don't really want to go back to how I was completely, but I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like some essential part of me has been taken away.  I feel like my foundations have been pulled out from under me and maybe it's a kind of PTSD reaction.  I didn't cold turkey or anything but benzo w/d was somewhat traumatizing. 

 

I still have some remaining physical symptoms like tingling and gastro-intestinal issues, but the brain fog and anxiety are the worst.  Some of that brain fog could be sleep deprivation as I've suffered from insomnia since jumping last July. 

 

I also lost a lot over the time I was on benzos and my life is completely different now.  Unfortunately that could be contributing to the sense of not feeling like the old me.  Nothing is as it was.

 

Mal 

[[ma...]]

Anyone?