solvent fumes, general hopelessness and overwhelm

[[jo...]]

Hello

 

I am back again, feeling overwhelmed by every little thing, not knowing how I will go on and wanting to give up.

 

It's like something inside has broken down and I am thinking about suicide. I am not in danger. I spoke to the samaritans UK suicide line but the feelings are still here.

I am speaking to my doctor on Thursday, but in the meantime, I cannot get myself out of bed, I cannot stand it in my flat, I cannot stand it outside and don't know where I want to be, but asleep.

 

I have always had smells coming through my window from the flat down below. It has changed owners and the smells are never that bad, but this last week or so, there has been a solvent strong smell coming in.

I have knocked on the door of the people downstairs but they did not answer.

I am worried that I am inhaling something solvent that will act on the gaba receptors and slow my recovery.

If I cant get the smelly problem sorted out, is there a risk of the fumes interfering with my withdrawal.

 

I don't want to keep on thinking about killing my self but I cannot see a future.

I have antidepressants and antipsychotics to withdraw from after the benzos. I am 45 at the moment and have the menopause to look forward to, more anxiety.

I just feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life as a nervous wreck.

 

The withdrawals have caused me to do damaging things and they are getting worse by the day.

I take opiates but sparingly and not daily so I stay un-addicted. They help but then the pain is there the next day.

 

The brighter the weather the worse I feel.

I hate the way people notice how unhapy I am but do not understand benzo withdrawal.

I'm sick of feeling like I want to give up.

 

Thanks for listening

[[...]]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

Hang in there. 

Keep posting what you're going through here so that all your buddies that understand benzo withdrawal can send you messages of support.  You're not alone.

[[Mi...]]

Journey, I can hear in your post how beaten down and desperate you feel.  I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare.  The path we are all walking is so difficult and not easily understood by others and that is so isolating.  You have come so far already but still have a ways to go and that must feel daunting in this moment.  Do you have a friend or family member who knows what you are going through who you could call for some in- person support?  I am concerned about your suicidal thoughts.  Please please please don't do anything to harm yourself.  You do have a future, a future off medication, a future with a healed mind and body.  A future where you can feel joy again.  It will come!  You are not alone in this journey Journey!  We feel your pain because we are all suffering similar pain.  Please reach out for help in real life and keep reading and posting here.  We care.  I care.  I am sending up a prayer right this minute for you and your struggles.  "Dear Lord look down on Journey right now and see the pain she is in and send her peace and healing."

 

MiniMinnie

[[jo...]]

Thanks MiniMinnie and mmgc. I appreicate your help.

 

I feel I can't cope with anything at the moment.

 

Friends say I am not helping myself, but I just cannot cope with anything.

 

I am sobbing as I am writing this.

My family are the sort who like to keep me down and who thrive on my lack of confidence.

 

I am worried that the fumes I am inhaling will interact with the benzo withdrawal.

I got a flea infestation in my flat, and I have some flea spray. I dont have pets.

I am suposed to vaccuum the whole of the flat and then apply the flea spray, but this was so overwhelming I did one room at a time and the fleas are back.

Tiny little things are overwhelming me.

 

I try to sleep as much as possible to get through the day.

 

I don't want to attempt suicide, but I want to stop feeling suicidal.

It's like I am too scared to live on, as I don't see a good future.

 

 

[[...]]

I cry a lot too and often struggle to cope.

Can you have someone take care of the flea problem for you while you stay with a friend for a couple of days?

 

[[Mi...]]

Journey, it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life in addition to the benzo withddrawal mess.  No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.  Things WILL get better.  Hold on for dear life to that thought!

 

It is possible that the smell of the solvent is bothering you so much because all of our senses are on high alert during benzo withdrawal and recovery.  I have experienced some pretty wierd tastes and smells too.  I wouldn't worry so much about the smell slowing down your recovery.  It is something probably out of your control anyway.  Focus on the things you can control, simple things, even if that is just getting out of bed, eating, or taking a bath.

 

We can get through this Journey!

 

MiniMinnie

 

 

PS  Where in the UK are you?  I am in the uS.

[[jo...]]

I cry a lot too and often struggle to cope.

Can you have someone take care of the flea problem for you while you stay with a friend for a couple of days?

 

Mmgc,

 

I am sorry that you cannot cope.

I have no one that has the time to take care of my flea problem, I feel disgusting for letting it go on this long, I have just been too overwhelmed by it.

I have lost confidence in making decisions for myself, and when I do go for it, I make the wrong ones.

[[...]]

Benzo withdrawal is a lot to deal with. 

Please try not to be so hard on yourself.  Be kind to yourself. 

 

[[Ti...]]

I am thinking of you and praying for you.  You have a future ahead--focus on long-term.  I am feeling despair lately too.  But we will get through.  Maybe go for a walk-get out and get a cup of camomile tea--I know, it's a silly solution for such a big problem-but sometimes getting out helps a bit.

[[jo...]]

Journey, it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life in addition to the benzo withddrawal mess.  No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.  Things WILL get better.  Hold on for dear life to that thought!

 

It is possible that the smell of the solvent is bothering you so much because all of our senses are on high alert during benzo withdrawal and recovery.  I have experienced some pretty wierd tastes and smells too.  I wouldn't worry so much about the smell slowing down your recovery.  It is something probably out of your control anyway.  Focus on the things you can control, simple things, even if that is just getting out of bed, eating, or taking a bath.

 

We can get through this Journey!

 

MiniMinnie

 

 

PS  Where in the UK are you?  I am in the uS.

 

Hi

 

I live in south west england.

I am living in a home with a mortgage and I can no longer afford to keep the house up.

I am on welfare benefits and a reiew is due this  year, only the rules are much stricter, and the doctors who carry out the medical can overrule our own doctors.

I have heard from a few reliable sources that they ignore what you say, and write down things that you haven't said. Many ill people are forced off sick benefit and end up in financial trouble.

I am worried sick that my flat will be reposessed and I don't know if I can sell it before that happens as I may not get any financial assistance with a new rented  home.

There's just so many worries, it's like I no longer want to go on, yet I don't want to kill myself.

My family were bullies and if I killed myself I would make them mentally tormented for the rest of their lives and I don't want to do this to someone, even though they did it to me. They stunted my growth and admitted they treated me horrible, and kept me little but are not sorry.

If a mother loves you, how can she expect you to take shit from people, surely she should have trained me not  to take shit.

She hated it when I tried to stand up for myself, and she also put herself down all the time, yet she says I remind her of herself more than any of my other 4 siblings.

She wants me to move on and told me I wont get an apology, and now I  feel like I am having a falsse relationship with them.

Surely no relationship is better than a false one, but how can I tell her this, when I prematurely 'mended' the 7 year rift we  had, before I was ready to. I rang them in a panic once because of this damnded withdrawal.

I am sick of mentioning the word withdrawal and valium and I am even starting to resent taking my valium.

 

thanks for listening

[[jo...]]

I am thinking of you and praying for you.  You have a future ahead--focus on long-term.  I am feeling despair lately too.  But we will get through.  Maybe go for a walk-get out and get a cup of camomile tea--I know, it's a silly solution for such a big problem-but sometimes getting out helps a bit.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

I don't feel  I can get out at the moment. I feel so uncomfy in my own skin.

I keep feeling like hitting myself cos I hate myself and the stupid decisions I have made in life.

I feel like I want to bin this life and start anew.

I just feel so much despair.

I may not be able to stay in my home, and if it gets reposessed I will not have chance of another  home as the landlords here don't take on people who have had houses reposessed beause of their debt history.

There is no longer such a thing as permanent social  housing, so that option is out too.

All I ever wanted in my life is my own space, and it looks like I will never get it.

I am not well enough to work.

[[La...]]

Jourjey, you have already been through so mcuh, everything is overwhelming you right now and its undestandable. I am over 60 and going through withdrawals too, from booze 3 yrs ago and now benzos, menopause was a breeze compared to this, I have a husband but he is no support whatsoever,does not want to hear about my withdrawals or anyone elses when I try to read posts to him. Please just try to remember you are young and can have allot of good years ahead of you once you are free from benzos and you can do this ,fleain

festation on top of everything else must be pretty overwhelming too. We are painting our kitchen and gluing boards and there have been strong odors but they havent seemed to affect me and IMO the smell might be stronger to you but it will not damage you directly, please stay safe Ladygrace 

[[jo...]]

Jourjey, you have already been through so mcuh, everything is overwhelming you right now and its undestandable. I am over 60 and going through withdrawals too, from booze 3 yrs ago and now benzos, menopause was a breeze compared to this, I have a husband but he is no support whatsoever,does not want to hear about my withdrawals or anyone elses when I try to read posts to him. Please just try to remember you are young and can have allot of good years ahead of you once you are free from benzos and you can do this ,fleain

festation on top of everything else must be pretty overwhelming too. We are painting our kitchen and gluing boards and there have been strong odors but they havent seemed to affect me and IMO the smell might be stronger to you but it will not damage you directly, please stay safe Ladygrace

Sorry you are not getting any support from your husband. Well done for getting off booze. Thank you also for letting me know that menopause was a breeze for you.

I am worried cos the menopause will come after my withdrawals, and the damage valium has done may make it a bad time for me.

I am glad the glue hasnt affected you also.

I feel hopeless right now, because of the housing situation.

I don't want to be dealing with moving house in withdrawal, but I may not have a choice, and if I move it wont be on my own like I want. My own space.

Thank you for your post.

 

J x

[[Mi...]]

Journey I am so sorry to hear of your financial distress too on top of everything else!  I have been too sick to work and my hubby has been unemployed for 7 months.  The economy is in the toilet here also.  Both our mothers also depend on us in various ways.  It is very stressful.  We are underwater on our mortgage too.  He finally found another job, he starts tomorrow.  But the kicker is that the job is 1000 miles away and he left for the new job site today and I am here alone and will be for a while.  He is supportive but can't be here for me right now.  We on this forum have to be each others support and lifelines right now!  We will get through this together!

 

I have been watching the Oscars on TV right now trying to distract myself.  The stars look gorgeous but I can't help but wonder how many of them are on benzos.  It is rife in Hollywood and many of them either have gone down or will go down the same path we have.  At least they have the financial means!

 

Hugs and prayers for everyone going through this right now.

 

MiniMinnie

[[Mi...]]

Hi Journey!

 

Just popping in to see how you are doing today and to say I am thnking about you.  Hang in there my benzo friend.  Things will get better for all of us.

 

MiniMinnie

[[jo...]]

Hi Minnie

 

Sorry to hear that you are also in trouble financially and that your mothers both depend on you and your partner.

It's good he got a job but not so good that it is so far away.

I will try and be supportive of people on here, but at the moment, I just feel terrible.

 

It is coming up to 3yrs since I first c/t valium, and I wish I had stayed off, because this taper is dragging on and on, and I could get very sick still as I have 3.36mg to go.

 

I am frightened that I will be found fit for work in May and get sicker after that, but will not get chance again to apply for welfare once declared fit.

 

Sorry to be so negative - all I see is blackness at the moment.

I am realising that I am going to need a lot of money to be able to stay in my home, and I am telling myself that realistically, it will be impossible.

 

love jx

[[Mi...]]

{{{{{{{Journey}}}}}}}  I wish I could wrap you up in a warm quilt and feed you home made chicken soup and comfort you until all this passes.  This has been such a long and difficult road for you, my heart breaks.  Things WILL get better.  We have to hang on to that slight thread of hope.  Its hard to do when you are in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty for the future.  Just know that I am thinking of you.  I am not a particularly religious person, but I have discovered the comfort of prayer during all this and will say prayers for you and for all of us caught up in this mess.  Prayers for hope and healing and strength for the battle.

 

MiniMinnie

[[pr...]]

Journey, during my time on psych meds I developed bad sensitivity to chemicals such as solvents.  I have found that getting a face mask designed for people working with solvents helps a lot.  You need a mask that has activated carbon in it. 

 

Here is the one I use:  3M brand #8247 R95 particulate respirator with organic vapor relief.

 

If you had the money you could get an air filter with activated carbon, but it sounds like that might be impractical for you right now, as they are pricey.

 

But a mask might be helpful.  And perhaps you can find out what they're doing downstairs.  They may be doing some remodeling that will be over soon.

 

I also wanted to add: please don't act on those suicidal thoughts and feelings.  It's very common to have those urges when you're on psychiatric meds.  THEY GO AWAY!  and then you will be very glad you did not act on them! 

 

I was suicidal most of the time for 15 years while I was on antidepressants, benzos, Buspar, and later Neurontin and Lamictal.  I mean, very suicidal; I took an overdose once and came very close to doing so two other times.  If I hadn't had small children I don't think I would still be alive today.

 

After about six months into my taper I noticed that I was no longer having "active" suicidal thoughts (where you actually think about how you might do it).  After another year I noticed that even the passive type had faded away (where you don't really want to do anything but sometimes you wish a big rock would just fall on your head and do it for you). 

 

Now, after two years of slowly tapering off multiple meds, once in a while I will have a day  where I'll have thoughts like "I hope I don't live a long life, I'm so tired and it's such a struggle."  But most of the time I don't feel like that.

 

My friend Gianna (who has the blog Beyond Meds, which is worth reading if you haven't yet)  says that this is something she sees all the time.  People get suicidal while they're on the drugs, and it goes away as they get off of them.

 

So please--this is not YOU, this is the meds screwing up the chemistry of your brain.

 

Try the mask if you can get one, I think they sell them on Amazon, it might help.  If you're going to use flea powder you need some kind of mask anyway.

 

My heart goes out to you.  Many big safe hugs to you!

[[jo...]]

{{{{{{{Journey}}}}}}}  I wish I could wrap you up in a warm quilt and feed you home made chicken soup and comfort you until all this passes.  This has been such a long and difficult road for you, my heart breaks.  Things WILL get better.  We have to hang on to that slight thread of hope.  Its hard to do when you are in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty for the future.  Just know that I am thinking of you.  I am not a particularly religious person, but I have discovered the comfort of prayer during all this and will say prayers for you and for all of us caught up in this mess.  Prayers for hope and healing and strength for the battle.

 

MiniMinnie

 

Miniminnie

 

Thank you. The warm quilt and homemade chicken sout sound lovely. There is a lot of heartfelt love in that, and I am sorry your heart is breaking due to this road I am travelling.

 

I know things will eventually get better, but I worry what other negativity this withdrawal will bring. My anxiety has caused me to spend thousands on professional asbestos advice, after an asbestos test revealed I have it.

Instead of just getting the survey and asbestos removal speicalists in, I spent thousands on getting people from asbestos firms to come round and advise me.

 

I had an estate agent round to value my flat, in case I need to sell it. She also provided some useful but scary information if I were to privately rent another flat. Don't know if that is an option now. Social housing isnt an option, because, while I can apply to go on the waiting list for a home, I may be homeless in the meantime if my flat gets reposessed due to possible changes in my income due to government welfare reform in the uk.

Even if I did eventualy get a social housing home, due to more government changes there is now a rule to say that new social housing tenants do  not get a permanent tenancy, so, uncertainty for me, well into the future.

 

I am looking at other means of income, but it is limited due to my current state.

The estate agent felt sorry for me, and mentioned the word catch22.

 

You are right about hanging on to that shred of hope, and yes, it is very difficult when things are difficult.

 

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm not religious, but the very fact that we have nature proves there is a divine force. Prayers send energy up to that divine force, by the pray-er's intention. This is why I appreciate so much when people pray for me.

 

love

Jx

[[jo...]]

Hi prhiannon

 

Thanks for visiting my thread.

 

Thanks for the mask suggestion, but the smell is in my bedroom where I sleep.

I googled the mask you put and I think I already have some of these, but it would feel a bit weird sleeping in a mask.

 

I asked my neighbour down below if they were using anything that smelt but they said no. They have a baby anyway and I cannot imgaine they would want solvents in their flat. I asked her because smells have always wafted into my bedroom from the flat below.

 

When you said you had sensitivity to chemicals on psych meds, please could you expand, what happened, how did you feel etc?

 

I read that some people who have attempted suicide are really glad they didnt die, but I've also heard of people who are dissappointed they survived.

Part of why I feel suicidal is due to me not forseeing any security or healing until a good few years, and in the meantime, what other negativity will this attract?

 

I am so sorry to hear that you were suicidal for 15years and that you took an overdose.

It is good, however that you seem glad to be alive now.

 

After about six months into my taper I noticed that I was no longer having "active" suicidal thoughts (where you actually think about how you might do it).  After another year I noticed that even the passive type had faded away (where you don't really want to do anything but sometimes you wish a big rock would just fall on your head and do it for you). 

 

This gives me hope.

I once heard from an ex-addict, who used to run a tranquiliser support group, and had many, many people use her services. She was very knowledgeable, but she told me that in all the people she dealt with, she could count on one hand the amount of  people who did not suffer more the lower they got in their taper. She didnt want to lie as she felt I would resent her at the end of my taper when I felt worse in stead of better.

 

I am glad that most of the time you don't feel life is a struggle any longer.

 

My friend Gianna (who has the blog Beyond Meds, which is worth reading if you haven't yet)  says that this is something she sees all the time.  People get suicidal while they're on the drugs, and it goes away as they get off of them.

 

I will read that blog you recommended. Unfortunately I am getting my seroquel upped by my choice, which I decided to make as I feel on the edge of a breakdowon.

I know it wont cure me in the long run, but I need to get through the here and now, and if it reduces my stress in this very stressful time, that will be a good thing. It may also stop me using un-prescribed non benzo drugs to chill out, like dihydrocodeine.

My friend, who used to lead groups in a well known mental health charity said I was making the right decision. I will use beyond meds info to help me get off all these meds, when I am ready and well enough.

 

Thank you for the big safe hugs, and for your heart, it is really appreciated.

[[Mi...]]

Journey, I am here and listening.  Only you know your situation well enough to make the right decisions.  If you feel comfortable with what you have decided to do, then go for it.  Sounds like your friend who has mental health experience is trying to help and give you good advice.  Please continue to post.  You are not alone in all this mess, we understand and we care.  Huggs.

 

MiniMinnie

[[jo...]]

Thank you MM you are so kind.

 

J x

[[Mi...]]

Good Morning Journey,

 

Just stopping by to say hi.  How are you this morning?  Did you increase your seroquel as planned?  I know you are in the midst of a lot of stressful things and just wanted you to know you are not alone.  Hugs.

 

MiniMinnie

[[jo...]]

Good Morning Journey,

 

Just stopping by to say hi.  How are you this morning?  Did you increase your seroquel as planned?  I know you are in the midst of a lot of stressful things and just wanted you to know you are not alone.  Hugs.

 

MiniMinnie

 

Thank you so much mm

I did increase my meds on thursday, lets hope it helps.

 

Love J x

[[...]]

Hi journey:

 

Keep us posted.  I hope you feel better soon.

 

Take care and be kind to yourself.