Real Window!

[[pa...]]

Well - my last few days have been ROUGH. I have started tapering Remeron again, and I felt very unsure of myself.  The weird thing is that I used to take a dose of Remeron and I felt better after the dose - relaxed and sleepy.  Now - when I take it - I'm going through a phase where it makes me feel overtired even though I'm on less. I still feel relaxed and sleepy -but almost overdrugged - on a lower dose.  So I figure maybe GABA is starting to take over and I don't need as much Remeron. However, without it, I haven't always been able to sleep! So, I"ve been in a conundrum.  So, I figured, I'll start taking LESS.

 

Well - 2 days ago, I started tapering the 7.5 (half a pill) down to 3/4 of that (about 5.6mg).  Mornings have been tough - lots of intrusive thoughts, fog, etc.  And days haven't been a lot better.  A lot of crying spells - anxiety rushes - more crying, etc. etc.  And yet, somehow I feel that all the crying is my brain's way of kicking up its OWN ability to take on the serotonin, rather than Remeron - so I sorta welcome the crying. And as much as I HATE the anxiety, and how awful it feels to have to have crying jags, I found that tonight - even before taking my dose - I feel GOOD. Like the way I haven't felt in YEARS.  Not euphoric - just - normal.  I think this is real window.  And I prayed for this, not because I dont' want a window like - everyday - but I just needed a sign from God that tapering the Remeron WAS the right thing to do. And you know - I ask for a sign because I'm kinda clueless sometimes as to what TO do in this process.

 

I am so glad I stuck with it.  The window was wonderful.  I feel like I could go running. I find myself yawning right now - and that's just such a welcome sign - to be yawning in the evening - something I haven't felt in a long time without the need for a drug to cause it.  In fact, I dont' remember the last time I was really tired in the evening on my own - I was in tolerance withdrawal for so long that I would watch the clock for my benzo dose - and then instead of being drowsy - I was just rapidly out of it. 

 

My vision is still weird with lighting, but even that is improved in this window.  It's like Klonkers said early - I know I'm going to heal.

 

If YOU are looking for a sign - maybe this is yours?  I find this withdrawal to be so difficult - but the longer I do it, the more I realize, I hate it, but it's not killing me, is it?  I'M WINNING AT IT.  We all are.  All we have to do is be here with each other - for as long as it takes - but we're doing it.  We're beating benzo dependence.  My GABA is coming back.  Slowly - but it's happening.  I can't tell a day-to-day difference as often as I'd like, but I can tell a difference nonethless. Can you?  EVen if it's subtlle?  Can you think back to months ago -to your memory, concentration, ability to write, think, mood, sleep, physical symptoms? Is anthing better ? I have to think HARD sometimes to realize that it is -but it does get better. Tonight I am watching a family movie in the living room and I can't remmber the last time I did this where I WASN'T taking a drug - and actually enjoyed it without fear.  IT's a window . It's not perfect, but it's one mroe step to normal. My windows aren't going to be perfectly normal overnight, but I'm having them. And I'm not scared to go to bed tonight.  Anyone who knows benzos understands - THAT'S HUGE.

 

I would LOVE to hear anyone report ANY progress here. We HAVE to remember and dwell on and put our massive attention to the healing. We have to lift it up and lift one another up and claim any and all progress.

 

I wish every one of us positive healing thoughts at bedtime tonight.  I love you all.

 

:)Parker

[[WT...]]

I always love to hear posts about windows.   I'm so happy you are feeling better, and I hope I get a window soon too.

[[...]]

I'm really happy for you!

[[pa...]]

WT- I am thinking of you and holding you close in my prayers tonight.  This is hard. But we are going to make it.  Both of us.  Love to you. 

[[Ga...]]

Im happy for you parker

[[Fl...]]

Congrats on the window!

 

The sleep thing is a good sign. I have been sleeping like a baby most nights these days and every time I see improvement in my sleep it corresponds with more healing. Last night I don't think I moved an inch from the time I went to bed until I got up. Slept a solid 8.5 hours.

 

I'm sure part of it is from heavy lifting and plenty of protein giving me a testosterone boost but it none of this would be possible unless I was feeling better.

[[ro...]]

That's great!  I must admit, I'm a bit jealous. 

[[...]]

AWESOME!!!! Love to read these, post everytime you have one for me to read! Glad for you and may you have more windows than a skyscraper!!! Stay strong!