On Xanax since 1997 -- hitting a wall

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Hi,

 

I'm joining BenzoBuddies because I've been on Xanax full time since 1997. I was first prescribed it because I was given a really high dose Halcion by a doctor to help me with chronic insomnia. After a few months, I actually thought I was going insane during the day. Now I know I was having withdrawals. The doctor gave me Xanax, .5 mg one time per day. The first time I took it, not only did I feel great, but my lifelong struggle with panic disorder and agoraphobia was gone. I didn't even know it was for panic attacks. Never got a buzz off of it or anything. I just felt normal again, which I hadn't felt since I was a little kid. That day, I went into town with total ease.

 

My dose went up little by little until 1999, when I got pregnant and basically had a severe increase in anxiety They increased my dose to 1 mg 3X per day in the hospital, and I was okay again (and my child was just fine). I've stayed on that dose since. More or less. Sometimes if I know something will flare up my problem, I take 2 mg.

 

After that, I felt I had my life back. I wound up being able to raise a child, go through a B.A. and a graduate program, travel around all over the world, and hold a full-time job involving regular public speaking.

 

Before that, I had sometimes been a housebound agoraphobic scared at times to get out of bed with dozens of panic attacks a day. It was really bad. The medications which I tried for that (tricyclics, SSRI's, and others like trazadone) left me in an nonfunctional state with severe side effects. The only side effect that I've ever had from Xanax is mild dry mouth, pretty much.

 

I'd basically been without a single panic attack since 1999 as of now, 2012. Thirteen years isn't bad. And the few which I did have were totally situational. So I hate being tied to this medication and wonder if I can't have my life back without it. I tried to cut my dose by the Ashton method with my doctor probably six or more times without luck in the past five years. Often, I could get two weeks into the first cut or two before feeling incredibly horrible. I tried with and without valium. Valium has much more impact on me than Xanax, leaving me exhausted.

 

I'm thinking about trying a water titration. 

 

What prompted this was that this year, I suddenly began having HORRIBLE panic attacks all over again. I think the meds just aren't working anymore. My doctor isn't willing to increase them. And I figure, if I'm going to have panic attacks while on meds, I might as well have them while off meds. What's the point of taking medication if it's not helping anymore? I've fiddled around and find that unless I take 4 mg. of Xanax, I don't even feel it!!! That was shocking to figure out, especially since my actual dose is 1/4 of that. Can you say tolerance?

 

Worse, I'm finding that I'm having attacks again after a very severely turbulent plane flight in December which caused my first panic attack in years. The turbulence rocked the plane so hard that peoples' cups were flying. I'm already a nervous flier. It was a six hour flight. I wound up shouting and crying and shaking for three hours (the turbulence lasted THREE hours with almost no stopping). Four days later, I began having panic attacks out of the blue while driving a car and can now barely drive even though I try every day. I know there is an obvious connection between the flight and the car. Since I commute daily, it's been intense.

 

So now I know that my medication isn't working well. And here are my problems increasing. My goal is to get off of Xanax and then in the future take it in low, very occasional doses for situational panic disorder that might come up (flying and public speaking in front of large crowds, for example). This seems to be something many say is impossible, and maybe it is. I feel like I need to find out for myself.

 

The inter-dose withdrawal symptoms are grizzly these days: derealization, depersonalization, trembling, prickling feelings in my face, serious tooth grinding, rapid heart beat, elevated blood pressure, fevers, weird salivation, loss of appetite and any ability to focus, terrible anger. 

 

Also, I can see how psychologically dependent I am. I've had a few feelings of almost insane anxiety (not quite a panic attack, but a flush of rapid heart rate and feelings of shaking and doom) when I have been out and thought I'd left my medication at home only to find it in my bag a moment later. I don't like that.

 

That's part of why I think the titration appeals to me. The idea alone is really comforting. It feels Scientific and controlled. Like, oh sure, I could go down by 1% per day... no problem! And if it's bad, I can stop at any time!

 

In the past, I made .25 mg cuts to one dose per day every two weeks, followed by two weeks of full throttle symptoms, half of which were physical and many which were probably panic-about-panic.

 

At any rate, I'm ready to try. It's strangely nice to think about going off the meds when they aren't really working anyways since then at least I'm not dependent on them. I'm glad for the help they gave me when they did, and I'm not sure I would do anything different now given the options that I had. I don't feel like some patients, like it's been a lost 13 years or anything. But I do feel annoyed to feel like if I don't take a pill, I have withdrawal symptoms that aren't symptoms I ever had in the first place... I mean, I never struggled with random fevers and terrible bruxism or increased salivation, etc. These are obviously from the Xanax.

 

So, that's why I am here and what I'm trying to do. Maybe I won't be able to go through with it again. However, it seems worth trying with such tiny cuts.

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Hello Blueorchidlady, and welcome to Benzo Buddies.

 

Congratulations for feeling ready to take this on!  If you are interested in doing a titration, make sure to check out the titration board to get some helpful information from those who have done the same.  Making small cuts (most recommend 10% reductions - or less - from the original dose) helps immensely when tapering off of a Benzodiazepine.  It doesn't mean you'll be symptom free, but it's easier on the body - and mind. 

 

The symptoms you are feeling right now are very similar to what I felt when I hit "tolerance" on Clonazepam.  I can happily say that now at 7 months off, many of those symptoms are fading and the panic attacks I use to endure (sometimes daily and hours long) have now gone to only about 1 per month and not nearly as intense. 

 

All the best to you, and I'm sure many more will chime in with their thoughts and experiences.  Please let us know of any concerns or questions you have. 

 

Take care,

Schatje

 

 

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Hello Blueorchidlady, and welcome to Benzo Buddies.

 

Congratulations for feeling ready to take this on!  If you are interested in doing a titration, make sure to check out the titration board to get some helpful information from those who have done the same.  Making small cuts (most recommend 10% reductions - or less - from the original dose) helps immensely when tapering off of a Benzodiazepine.  It doesn't mean you'll be symptom free, but it's easier on the body - and mind. 

 

The symptoms you are feeling right now are very similar to what I felt when I hit "tolerance" on Clonazepam.  I can happily say that now at 7 months off, many of those symptoms are fading and the panic attacks I use to endure (sometimes daily and hours long) have now gone to only about 1 per month and not nearly as intense. 

 

All the best to you, and I'm sure many more will chime in with their thoughts and experiences.  Please let us know of any concerns or questions you have. 

 

Take care,

Schatje

 

Thanks Schatje. I took your advice and posted to the titration board to start. Why not? It's not working so it seems like it would be good to at least try. I'm a different person than I was when I was young -- most of my problems were in my teens and early 20's. I think I'm ready to at least try to find alternative solutions. Also, panic attacks come and go. I've learned that too. I only dislike them when anyone notices them or if they make me shout on a plane!!! 

 

Well, it's worth trying. I like the sound of titration a lot more than the cuts. It makes sense to me and sounds smooth and steady.

 

Congratulations on getting off of your medication successfully!

 

I guess that is my one regret in the past 13 years. Not taking the medication a little more intermittently. I should have tried to take holidays, I think they are called. But no sense being upset about it now. It's been a mixed bag for me. I didn't even know they were giving me an antianxiety medication for about a month after I started on it. I wonder if my memory might improve to. THAT would be great. I forgot to mention that my memory is not the greatest and that it made it hard to go through college.

 

Thanks for saying hi at any rate.

 

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Interestingly enough, my dad said to me the other day, "I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but lately, your mom and I have noticed how WISE you've become since being med free".  lol  I think more clearly - sharper.  My mom just came off of Clonazepam after 25 years of use (for sleeping) and is thinking more clearly AND has less anxiety over things she use to fret over!

 

So there is hope for your memory!!! 

 

ALL the best,

Schatje