Fear of Memories

[[...]]

I became terrified of my memories.  This began developing shortly after I began my taper and started having a return of all kinds of memories.  Many of them were quite frightening.

 

Ever since, I have become terrified of my memories.  The return of memories continues.  I obsess about them and can't turn them off.

 

Has anyone else had this type of experience?  Is anyone else afraid of their memories? Does anyone feel like they are constantly reviewing their life and ending up thinking that their entire life was horrible, (even though, in reality, it was not)?

 

Thank you.

 

Sincerely,

 

Yowl

 

[[Bi...]]

I see you was on Klonopin like me. I was on it 6 years and at different doses, as you can see in my signature line. I tapered using Valium. The memory issues resolve. I have a few gaps here and there, but they come back gradually. I had floods last year. This went on for several nights. It appeared to be the 90's and early to mid 2000's. I was on 3 - 4mg of Klonopin at one time and these memories are a bit faded, some of them. They come back. I have trouble remembering some of my childhood as well.

 

Billy.

 

PS- Once you deal with everything pre-benzo, all of those emotions; you will then start remembering things while on the Benzo, it's a process! But to become sober and healthy.. you must not repress these memories. Last year; I started dealing with things pre-benzo like rape when I was 16 years old, child abuse, and other things. Now, I deal with things that happen during the benzo, so if you think these memories are gone.. they're not. It's like they merge together.

[[re...]]

I've been having a tough time with obsessive memories. They're not repressed memories, not things I'd forgotten about. They're familiar memories, things I'd remembered many times over many years, and never had a problem with before. But now, for some reason, they carry a strong, negative emotional charge - intense fear, intense regret, etc. I'm sure this is an anxiety disorder brought on by benzo withdrawal. I can have some old memory in the evening, when I'm feeling ok, and it doesn't phase me. But in the morning, when I'm not feeling so great, that same memory will bring me to my knees.

 

I did my best to arrange my affairs so that I'd have little or no stress in my life, so that I could get through this withdrawal and recovery more easily. And I think I succeeded. I have little to worry about in the near future. But it's as if the benzo demon is saying,

OK, so you won't worry about the future? Let's see how you like worrying about the past!

[[Fr...]]

Intrusive memories are very bad for me as they cause anger. They are about things that have happened years ago that were laid to rest and withdrawal has brought them to the surface with a vengeance. I think this is a common s/x. I wonder what will happen after this is over now that the memories have all come to the surface, will they recede again or be now part of my life.

 

Frannie

[[li...]]

Redevan,

 

Your experience is almost identical to mine.

 

I find myself shouting something out loud and shaking myself. It shocks my wife and me. It turns out I've been dwelling on some remembered experience that I was already familiar with but at that moment has suddenly become extremely regretful/embarrassing/frightening or anycombination of these. And I shake myself to escape it. It's bizarre. I had thought it was just me until I discovered Benzo forums and realised it was a common w/d symptom. I still hate it but it seems to be declining and I'm far more relaxed about it now that I know it will pass. But you have to say it's another one of those grotesque whimsical tortures  dreamt up by the mad sadist benzo monster.

 

John

 

[[re...]]

I also wonder whether these memories will fade. I think they will. They fade every day, as I said.

These memories are also distorted, in a very subtle way.

They are so clear, they feel like they happened recently.

That means I see myself in these memories as I am now,

and not as I was then.

It changes everything.

In a way, they're more like nightmares than memories.

They're like that nightmare most people have had

that they're back in school, only not as a child, but as an adult.

 

This is a nasty beast.

[[...]]

I also wonder whether these memories will fade. I think they will. They fade every day, as I said.

These memories are also distorted, in a very subtle way.

They are so clear, they feel like they happened recently.

That means I see myself in these memories as I am now,

and not as I was then.

It changes everything.

In a way, they're more like nightmares than memories.

They're like that nightmare most people have had

that they're back in school, only not as a child, but as an adult.

 

This is a nasty beast.

 

Same here, same here...

 

Do any of you find even good memories are colored with negative emotions (anger/guilt/regret/fear)?  Even if it makes no sense at all...

[[WT...]]

When I have the good memories from the past, two things happen:  either I get super depressed and angry that I was so well off then, and now I'm in this shape, or.. I feel like I was in w/d my whole life, and everything was horrible for me.

[[ka...]]

yes i been down that road too but they will fade now im happy mad happy mad happy mad but no bad memories

[[...]]

yes i had this bad; it was like i was scared of what my next thought would be.  i watch a dvd of the past and it tore me up.  it's like your entire lifes goes before you;  it was terrifying.  IT IS THE BENZO.  IT WILL GO AWAY. keep holding on.  this too shall pass

[[GH...]]

I had lots of memories streaming in my head. It was like my life in review. I loved it, it was amazing. There were times that I felt like i was  back in high school or college. What a rush!!!

 

 

Then I had songs rushing in. I was singing all sorts of songs without the music. I became obsessed with finding them on you tube.

 

They are gone now, isad.

 

So sorry that you are having trouble with your memories. The past is gone, but with benzos it just shows up.

 

Someday you will look back at all this and.................

[[...]]

Thank you.  I am not alone.  I wish the memory barrage would stop. 

 

One of you wrote:  "Do any of you find even good memories are colored with negative emotions (anger/guilt/regret/fear)?"

 

My answer is "yes".

 

I wish I could get the rush and enjoy the ride.  I can't.  I am tired of reliving my life and with the emotions attached to the memories being way out of proportion.

 

I, again, thank all who have replied.  Your tales helped me to know that I am not "crazy". 

 

I apologize for not feeling up to responding to what each of you wrote.

 

Sincerely,

 

Yowl

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Yowl, thanks for posting this as it helps all of us discuss our fears. I heard somebody say once that fear has to be faced but not easy when we are in benzo withdrawal.

 

I feel asleep on the couch yesterday for about twenty minutes and when I woke up I had a memory about a happy time when I was really young and like WTBNA said, I was upset because of where I'm at now.

 

Frannie

[[...]]

That is how I feel, Frannie, finding it hard to face fears.  The fears are just totally unrealistic.

 

It was good that you woke and had a happy memory; but, I sure know what you mean.  You wake up and realize that the "happy days" are non-existent. 

 

Somehow, many of us just can't feel feelings of pleasure.  That is how it is for me, at any rate.

 

So, we push on with hope that normalcy will return, yes?

 

I wish you all the best as you continue moving towards full recovery.

 

Sincerely,

 

Yowl

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Yowl, There is hope as I find myself slowly getting better. There are times that I do feel peasure and it mostly starts to go away around 4 PM. I think it's almost like a mourning for my life and wishing I had of done things differently. I'm trying to accept the way things are for if I accept then it will make it easier on me.

 

Frannie