Long timers - 8-9 months out, big wave?

[[br...]]

Well, I've had a mostly good run in 2012 but I've gotten absolutely blasted in the past couple of days. Feels like I did back in July.

Very odd the way it came on. Panic attack yesterday that lasted about 3 hours, then today... headache early AM, then OK out of bed... then slow

ramp into full-body sick anxiety feeling like back in acute WD.  I mean, I don't think my regular anxiety ever had the strength to do this.

This has to be a wave?

 

I know it will pass, and I know I'll eventually be fine. But, wouldn't mind hearing some words from those who have been around the 8-10 month mark, and

whether they had big throw-backs like this at all?  I'm just very taken back by this one... and figured I'd reach out for a little advice, support.

 

Take care all!

[[Sa...]]

Hey Bryan, I'm on my cell so this will be a little short.

 

I recently got put into a rather intense wave myself. It's very interesting and bizarre how you can feel great one minute and feel horrible the next. In lasted roughly a week or so, and I finally arrived at baseline once again.  My symptoms seem to be improving lately. Keep fighting the good fight man

 

Good luck

-Sam

[[br...]]

Thanks so much, Sam.

 

Yeah, I consider myself pretty strong about dealing with this stuff but this one caught me off-guard. Weirdest thing is, I can't pinpoint

anything I did. Was your recent wave similar to how things were at their peak?  So weird to have all of that come back. I mean, I have heard

that waves like that come late in the game, but guess I figured I'd get lucky. Not the case.

 

Glad to hear you've made progress. I've been more active and have seen some up-times recently myself. Even the down times have not been

anything like this. I was a mess tonight. But, I've got to flow with it and let it pass. I know it will. These are transitory states.

 

[[ve...]]

Hey Bryan and Sam.  I think I have exchanged PMs with both of you in the last couple weeks.  Anyway, as you both know, I had a pretty big setback at around 9 months.  I was doing really well at 7 months (about 80% better) when summer came and I overindulged with junk food and a little too much vino on vacation.  I ended up having elevated blood pressure, gi symptoms (acid reflux), cog fog and jelly legs.  I decided I needed to really focus on healthy eating and exercise which I did for a few months and quickly lost 20lbs.  The problem is that the lack of carbs seemed to shoot up my coritsol/adrenalin.  It was back to the drawing board.  By a year off, I was back to about 85% but not quite ready to declare a success.  Morning anxiety was pretty revved up and this persisted a few months into 2011 at which point I stopped the diet, having lost 30lbs.  A few months later, things settled down and I wrote a success story at around 18 months, last Spring.  Sometimes one can pinpoint something but other times, a wave or setback just seems to happen.  By the way, The "Mindful Way Through Anxiety" by Roemer is pretty good read and covers panic attacks as well as other types of anxiety.

 

Hang in there buddies,

 

Vertigo

[[Sa...]]

Bryan- My past wave was pretty bad, but I don't think all of my symptoms reached the stage of intensity they once did in acute withdrawal. It was still pretty rough though.

 

And thank you. It's motivating knowing that improvements are steadily heading my way. I've been eating a really clean diet (mostly for weightlifting) and I've still been exercising regularly. I've read in some places that trying to naturally reduce cortisol helps the brain with depression, helps shed the benzo belly, and a few other benefits--so I've been focusing on that as well.

 

Vertigo- I will have to look into "Mindful Way Through Anxiety". Sounds promising.

[[br...]]

Hey Sam,

 

I'd love to read more about the cortisol connection. I've researched that a bit in the past, myself. I know our cortisol is highest in the early hours, which is why so many of us have morning anxiety. If you have any links, please share. (But no pressure.)

 

Glad to hear you're working out. Before this wave-blast, I was doing a lot more light lifting again and brisk walking every night. I'll get back to it very soon, I hope. I'm somewhat more stabilized today... though pretty much any day is better than yesterday was. That was in my top 5 worst symptom days pre or post-benzo. So bizarre, right out of the blue. Those are the waves we really have to learn to let go and not fret about happening again. Bottom line is, it may... or it may not. Either way, it's not going to hurt us... just makes us feel awful.

 

Anyway, hope you keep moving in the right direction. I  know you will.

 

[[no...]]

I hope things have evened out by now for you. I know it came asa shock, like a frieght train from hell. I am right behind you, time wise, and had a great period..maybe two weeks, then I felt it start to creep in again, and woke up the same- adrenaline, heart racing, fear, shakes, the whole lovely enchilada.  It has to be a wave. I mean, did you ever have all these other symptoms with regular anxiety?

I have not posted much lately, as most of the people who were in my time frame have left, and I felt like a loser being still around.

Hope to read your success story soon. You know its true---everything passes w/d anxiety or not, it is something that you can ride out to the other side.

Wishing you well, and remembering all the times you have been there for me when I felt the doom descending.

best,

Susan

 

[[br...]]

Bless you Susan.

 

First off, there are lots of us here in your time frame and your rate of healing doesn't make you a loser! (I know you know that. ). Check out the 7-12 month club thread. Lots of posts and lots of good progress and definitely some waves. I was a bit surprised to see how many people were still having waves at this time. Seems common for a flare up in the 8 month range.

But, this is all so individual.

 

Yeah, I thought I was clear of this kind of wave. But, it is what it is.

No, I don't believe this is my organic anxiety. This bout of issues came with too many extra symptoms that I only had during acute WD. My organic anxiety can be rough, but I think I control it well 80% of the time and am learning more every day.  But, this wave is about accepting and waiting it out, knowing that I'll be even better on the other side. Hard to do but trying to float.

 

I think I peaked on Thursday. Rough through most of weekend. But, got a window last night and after a brutal start today, I took my little girl to the garden and walked around and felt stable. Little wavy right now but tolerable. They always run their course. Hopefully this one is finishing up.

 

Thanks for the concern as the positive input. Keep your head up. We are all going to be rewarded for our courage.

[[no...]]

garden! We had a foot of snow Friday night. a garden sounds pretty awesome..and healing bout now.

Hope tomorrow brings some fresh air from a window for you.- S

ps- am counting on you letting us know when you are feeling better!

[[br...]]

Thanks Susan. Well, I got a bit of relief yesterday. About half the day at my new normal.

But, may have contracted a stomach bug from my little girl. So, still weak and sick feeling. But, the peak of the wave has passed and the seemingly unbearable anxiety with it.

I expect to be out of this wave slowly over the next few days if this bug cooperates and dies down.

 

How are you doing Susan?

 

Hope everyone else is well.

[[ve...]]

Bless you Susan. First off, there are lots of us here in your time frame and your rate of healing doesn't make you a loser! (I know you know that. ). Check out the 7-12 month club thread. Lots of posts and lots of good progress and definitely some waves. I was a bit surprised to see how many people were still having waves at this time. Seems common for a flare up in the 8 month range.  But, this is all so individual...

 

Hey Bryan, Susan, Sam... yes there are plenty of folks who are six months to a year off.  I started the Post Benzo Freedom withdrawal Support thread here in withdrawal support when I was about three months off and still feeling symptomatic.  There was a huge response because so many are out there who still feel symptoms in the first year or even two.  Remember, normal healing takes place in many cases from 6-18 months.  It took me the full 18, others might only take a year, some less, some more.  Just because it may take a year or longer to get to 90% or better does not mean you will feel crappy for a year or more.  There might just be a few lingering stubborn symptoms left.  In my case, I was about 80% by six months, had a few setbacks here and there but was mostly feeling very good by about a year.  Yes, I still had some anxiety and sleep issues but I had that before benzos! Nobody is a loser for going through this normal process.  Hope some of you will have a look at the thread.  There have been over 50,000 views since I started it two years ago.

 

Hang in there post benzo pepes

 

Vertigo

[[no...]]

Hope alls well, Stevie. Sometimes before I get sick, my anxiety increases as if it knew something "different" was going on in my body. I hope that things have settled down for you. I had a great day yesterday. By nightfall I got dizzy again, but managed to keep the anxiety at bay. Today I am home- which for me is not my best time. I guess I have used running around, errands, working and school for so long as a way to run from being anxious-pre, during and post benzo. Now I am kind of embarassed to admit I have developed a kind of home alone phobia, which I am starting on taming today

I am trying to really deal with all my anxiety issues head on these days,. and not listen to the still looping thoughts of "cannot".

Be well- its a snowstorm here today- getting a whole winters worth this week.

Susan

[[br...]]

Susan,

 

I've made big strides with dealing with my anxiety but for the first time in my life, had to call a friend for a lifeline last week. Just for a couple hours. Had a friend come visit. Felt overwhelmed and wanted some distraction for my little girl. I'm a very independent guy, I'm the breadwinner for my family and have been a leader most of my life.  So, obviously this was hard for me. I also felt like it was anxiety winnin a battle and I absolutely hate letting anxiety win even a single battle.

 

But, a few days later and I'm getting back on top of things. I'm working hard not to beat myself up over it. I've been sick for two years including  benzo WD and I've recently found out my wife wants to separate.  So, I suppose we all may lose an occasional battle. People need people sometimes. Saturday was my time to cave in.  But as cliche as it sounds, that was just one battle. I will win the war, so to speak. So will you.

 

Don't beat yourself up about having a hard time being alone. It's understandable. WD makes it worse. In fact, it's probably mostly WD.

 

Realize that you can keep practicing your acceptance skills and honing them every day. Same for me.

It's a process that clearly is benefitted by having a short memory. In other words, try to forget your struggles. They are behind you. Accept that you feel uneasy alone but know that you are safe and with practice, it'll feel better a time goes on.

 

I guarantee you both of us will enjoy our alone time again at some point soon. Hang in there.

 

 

[[br...]]

And Vertigo, thank you again!  I read your posts multiple times. So helpful.

[[ve...]]

And Vertigo, thank you again!  I read your posts multiple times. So helpful.

 

You're welcome Byran.  I'm sorry to read that your wife told you that she wants to separate.  You mentioned you have been sick for two years. Was this all benzo/xanax related?  Also, how are your stomach symptoms now and do you take anything for them?  Has your wife read anything on forum?  Does she know that you are not crazy, that withdrawal and recovery can take around eighteen months from the last dose?  For the sake of your little girl, is she willing to consider getting some counseling?  Do you have just the one child?  Have you been able to work during the two years?

 

Vertigo

[[br...]]

And Vertigo, thank you again!  I read your posts multiple times. So helpful.

 

You're welcome Byran.  I'm sorry to read that your wife told you that she wants to separate.  You mentioned you have been sick for two years. Was this all benzo/xanax related?  Also, how are your stomach symptoms now and do you take anything for them?  Has your wife read anything on forum?  Does she know that you are not crazy, that withdrawal and recovery can take around eighteen months from the last dose?  For the sake of your little girl, is she willing to consider getting some counseling?  Do you have just the one child?  Have you been able to work during the two years?

 

Vertigo

 

Hi Vert,

 

My sickness started with unidentified headaches which I know believe to be TMS. (Google Sarno/Schubiner if unfamiliar, basically mindbody syndrome.)  Doctors couldn't find anything, and one eventually decided to give me a cocktail of medicines to see what happened. I got insane panic and ended up in the ER. I was unable to shake it, and it grew worse. I wound up on Xanax as a result. They later tried me on yet another drug (SSRI/SNRI) called Prestiq. It made me suicidal in about 24 hours. Promptly got off of that. Of course, I was taking regular benzos at that point. Saw some shrinks, one who was good... but no one was able to really help me deal with the anxiety organically at that time, which just led to more fear and confusion for me. If I knew then what I knew now... I never take a DROP of medicine. (Or maybe just a benzo in an emergency, but never daily.)  But, our medical system being what it is... most doctors are clueless about this stuff. So, it led to medical mismanagement for over a year... and a series of doctors who made me worse, not better.

 

Now, given... I was probably ready for a breakdown. The allergist-meds may have just been a trigger. I had taken on a lot in my life. (New full-time job, new step-son, new baby daughter, new house all in about 3 years.)  But, I'm convinced to this day that had someone just handed me a copy of Claire Weekes' book the day I had my attack... I'd be back to normal today.

Alas, I am where I am... and I will return to normal. #@$% if I'm going to let this beat me, and I have 2 wonderful kids to take care of, and a great family and set of friends.

So, the work goes on.

 

As for my wife, she knows I'm not crazy. She knows I've been through a lot. But, she's got her own issues. She's on Zoloft... has mood issues and frankly isn't the kind of person who wants to work on herself. I took care of her for the first few years of the marriage, but then when the going got rough (me sick) .... she decided it was time to get going.  Now, she'll quote other reasons for wanting to leave, and we did get married quickly. (Became pregnant early with our beautiful daughter, now 5.)  But, the truth is... she's just a runner. This is her pattern and it'll never change. I just didn't know it 5 years ago. Mercifully, she's being civil about the divorce and amicable about handling the kids, etc.  I'll at least be able to retain what I want and not be financially ruined through this, hopefully.

 

Basically, I plowed through 41  years of life and aside from childhood turbulence, had a good life. Very little real-life problems. But, these last two years have apparently been the years that god/the universe has decided I need to face a challenge. There's just no other way to look at it. So, I'll face it and come out stronger. That's my option. There is none other, so there's no use feeling sorry for myself. It's been hard, but we all have a story here. We'll all overcome.

 

As for my stomach, it's been odd this past week. My new theory about the stomach bug seems to maybe carry some weight. I mentioned my daughter had it bad and threw up. I've had nausea and lower stomach issues much more than what usually accompanies my organic anxiety. I'm feeling like this bug may have ramped up my semi-dormant WD symptoms and gave me a wave along with it. I've heard people mention this happening, so I'm thinking it may be the case.  Whatever the case, like always... acceptance is my best medicine. I know it'll get better. It feels close to being ready to split, but I'm still up and down.

 

Again, you're very sweet for taking a personal interest in me and so many here. It's god's work you're doing. Thanks again.

 

I hope you're doing well.

[[GH...]]

I am off for 16 months now. I have heard of windows but have not had any. At 8 months i was in rough shape.  I would say that I am improving at a constant slow pace.

 

What the heck are waves?

[[br...]]

Ghost,

 

Waves are just times when symptoms flare up badly.

I was curious how many people around 9 months had experienced a significant wave.

Seems quite a few have.

 

I hope you continue to improve!

[[ve...]]

And Vertigo, thank you again!  I read your posts multiple times. So helpful.

 

You're welcome Byran.  I'm sorry to read that your wife told you that she wants to separate.  You mentioned you have been sick for two years. Was this all benzo/xanax related?  Also, how are your stomach symptoms now and do you take anything for them?  Has your wife read anything on forum?  Does she know that you are not crazy, that withdrawal and recovery can take around eighteen months from the last dose?  For the sake of your little girl, is she willing to consider getting some counseling?  Do you have just the one child?  Have you been able to work during the two years?

Vertigo

 

Hi Vert, My sickness started with unidentified headaches which I know believe to be TMS. (Google Sarno/Schubiner if unfamiliar, basically mindbody syndrome.)  Doctors couldn't find anything, and one eventually decided to give me a cocktail of medicines to see what happened. I got insane panic and ended up in the ER. I was unable to shake it, and it grew worse. I wound up on Xanax as a result. They later tried me on yet another drug (SSRI/SNRI) called Prestiq. It made me suicidal in about 24 hours. Promptly got off of that. Of course, I was taking regular benzos at that point. Saw some shrinks, one who was good... but no one was able to really help me deal with the anxiety organically at that time, which just led to more fear and confusion for me. If I knew then what I knew now... I never take a DROP of medicine. (Or maybe just a benzo in an emergency, but never daily.)  But, our medical system being what it is... most doctors are clueless about this stuff. So, it led to medical mismanagement for over a year... and a series of doctors who made me worse, not better.

Now, given... I was probably ready for a breakdown. The allergist-meds may have just been a trigger. I had taken on a lot in my life. (New full-time job, new step-son, new baby daughter, new house all in about 3 years.)  But, I'm convinced to this day that had someone just handed me a copy of Claire Weekes' book the day I had my attack... I'd be back to normal today.

Alas, I am where I am... and I will return to normal. #@$% if I'm going to let this beat me, and I have 2 wonderful kids to take care of, and a great family and set of friends.

So, the work goes on. As for my wife, she knows I'm not crazy. She knows I've been through a lot. But, she's got her own issues. She's on Zoloft... has mood issues and frankly isn't the kind of person who wants to work on herself. I took care of her for the first few years of the marriage, but then when the going got rough (me sick) .... she decided it was time to get going.  Now, she'll quote other reasons for wanting to leave, and we did get married quickly. (Became pregnant early with our beautiful daughter, now 5.)  But, the truth is... she's just a runner. This is her pattern and it'll never change. I just didn't know it 5 years ago. Mercifully, she's being civil about the divorce and amicable about handling the kids, etc.  I'll at least be able to retain what I want and not be financially ruined through this, hopefully. Basically, I plowed through 41  years of life and aside from childhood turbulence, had a good life. Very little real-life problems. But, these last two years have apparently been the years that god/the universe has decided I need to face a challenge. There's just no other way to look at it. So, I'll face it and come out stronger. That's my option. There is none other, so there's no use feeling sorry for myself. It's been hard, but we all have a story here. We'll all overcome.

As for my stomach, it's been odd this past week. My new theory about the stomach bug seems to maybe carry some weight. I mentioned my daughter had it bad and threw up. I've had nausea and lower stomach issues much more than what usually accompanies my organic anxiety. I'm feeling like this bug may have ramped up my semi-dormant WD symptoms and gave me a wave along with it. I've heard people mention this happening, so I'm thinking it may be the case.  Whatever the case, like always... acceptance is my best medicine. I know it'll get better. It feels close to being ready to split, but I'm still up and down.

Again, you're very sweet for taking a personal interest in me and so many here. It's god's work you're doing. Thanks again.

I hope you're doing well.

 

Hey Bryan.  Thanks for sharing more of your personal story. Jeez, having to take on a new job, baby, move to a new home and your illness on top of things and now a divorce?  Have you been able to keep working through all this?  You really have a great attitude despite all the challenges.  Yea, it really pisses me off sometimes when I read about all these psychiatrists who just throw a bunch of pills to fix a problem that may have started with a pill.  How about trying to help someone just get off the pill first?  That's what I told my internist when he suggested lexapro and a relatively quick three week taper off valium (that was after I told him my anxiety was up because I had just dropped 2mg valium too quickly from 7 to 5mg and that I needed to just go back up to stabilize before tapering much more slowly). Fortunately I didn't listen to his cockamaymee advice .  Well, I'm at least glad that your separation is going to be civil.  I've heard good things about Claire Weeks. I've also posted around forum (don't recall if I did on this thread) that I've found "The Mindful Way through Anxiety" by Roemer to be of some help.

 

Hang in there Bryan.  Xanax is not an easy benzo from what I've read (with the rebound anxiety being a factor sometimes), not that any of them are easy to get off of.  My mother was on xanax and some other meds and had a really rough time of it in her forties and fifties. Hopefully another few months and you'll notice some significant progress.

 

Vertgo