I'm Going Crazy, Insane, Psychotic....

[[...]]

It's been happening for awhile, but now it's out of control. My body and mind are so gone, I've lost all ability to handle this at all. Everything mentally, physically, and emotionally re killing me. I don't know to snap out of this. I can't. And I feel like what I'm goof through is impossible to turn around. I was starting to be able to watch tv sometimes the last month or so, before my brain was too out of it, but now I'm too deep in all the torture to do anything anymore. How am I going to get out of this? I can't drive, I can't be alone, I don't know what to do. The days are bleeding into each other of a big insane never ending mess. I don't know how to hang on anymore. My wife is about to have to quit her job because I'm so delirious and scared.

[[...]]

I don't have the energy to do anything but my body doesn't want to stay put. I can't focus enough to think but my mind won't stop racing. I don't think I can keep suffering like this.

[[Fl...]]

Coop can you just think about this moment and this moment only?  Refuse to worry about the future. How can you make this moment a little better? Maybe a hot shower? Maybe some deep breaths. Maybe sitting up in bed and touching your toes with your fingers and feeling a good stretch?

[[...]]

I keep finding ways to make it thru the moment, but it's not letting up. It's been this way for days now and I think the longer I'm dealing with it, the more difficult it's becoming. I feel like I've gone completely nuts and don't know now this is going to go away. I'm a week away from being off klonopin and scared this could somehow get worse. Don't want to give in and not win this fight. I know I need to get off so true healing can begin. Just scared I can't handle this much longer.

[[...]]

I'm honestly not sure if it's getting worse or my ability to handle it is getting worse. I just don't want to do it anymore. I know sometimes my symptoms are so unbearable, but right now I'm just so out of it and don't know how to keep struggling this way. I feel like I'm stuck in this limbo and my mind and body are damaged and will never be the same again. It's hurts so bad feeling this way.

[Guest [wi...]]

Please see your doctor. You are not stable enough to cut your last dose, clearly. I think worrying about it is making it worse, too.

[[Le...]]

Coop,

  Not sure how you are feeling but I do understand that I too have been in similar spirits the past several weeks. I know it seems rough and that it won't ever stop but I promise you that it will. I have to believe that and so do you. This is something you MUST LIVE THROUGH. Back in December I had visions about killing myself with a knife while having dinner and also started hallucinating while driving. Not a good thing but I am here to tell you that you can make it. I agree that you should focus on the moments and stop thinking that it won't ease up. You know the spinning and crazinesss will stop, you just don't know when. I tapered to quickly and it was hell but there are still days that are just as bad as before. Your wife loves you and you aren't alone in handling this. Remember that God is with you even in the darkest moments and has reasons for everything we are experienceing. Your suffering will help someone else be strong and with all the days I felt like I wanted to die and all the ones that are coming where I will feel that way, I AM GOING TO LIVE! So are you. Breath deep and don't give in to the crazy talk your head is doing. Keep focus on breath and you will come out on the other side. Peace brother! Praying for you.

[[...]]

I can't win this battle. It's driving me complete nuts. I'll think to myself I'm going to better and then like a bolt of lightning I can't believe this is all happening and I know I'm doomed forever never to be the same. I don't know how to beat this. I always thought I was so strong and now I know I'm the weakest person imaginable. Incapable of recovering through this. I'm gonna go completely crazy before I heal. I dot know how to make it through this.

[[ch...]]

Coop, so sorry you feel this way coop, this is exactly how wayne feels when he gets hit with symptoms,  are you holding your taper?

xx

[[...]]

No I'm at the very end of my taper. I've only been on them a total of 4.5 months now, been tapering for 4 months, been at less than .5 for 3 months. It's never helped me to hold. I became dependent on these things so quickly, it's probably made it worse for me trying to do a somewhat slow taper and becoming more and more dependent. I think since I've never stabilized, trying to hold is pointless. I've been titrating and were down to about .05 and I planned on jumping in a week.

 

If I could stop obsessing, I may be able to get through this, but a lot of the that seems to be my worst symptoms. I've lost my mind, can't do anything, don't know how to get it back. That part seems permanent and it's killing me.

[[sp...]]

you're not psychotic, you're in benzo withdrawal. I once had a psychologist tell me "the best evidence that you're not insane is that you think you are; people who are actually psychotic don't know it, that's what makes them insane".

 

You're going to get through this. Try to focus on your breathing. Take slow, deep breaths. If you have to get yourself through this sixty seconds at a time, then just do that. Count your breaths up and down to 10. Look for places in your body where you feel muscle tension, and calmly relax those muscles.

 

You can and will survive this.

[[...]]

I Just don't see how all these fears can lift. I can't stop thinking this way at all. It has complete control over my mind. I guess I'm obsessing and fearing because I can't think straight and concentrate? Is that why? Is my mental and physical pain making me focus on it? Am I having anxiety without even realizing it? Is it me making the moments so bad or is it my brain is working harder causing it to get this way? I just don't know how to stop. I can't think and feel this way.

[[Fl...]]

Coop, listen to me man.....I was in the same boat this time last year. I didn't see how I could ever possibly recover from the debilitating depression, anxiety, paranoia and the dozens of other symptoms that had me holed up in my condo barely able to get out of bed. I suffered SEVERE wd for a few months. At one point I had honestly resolved myself to the idea that if I were to die, I would be perfectly ok with it because anything had to be better than what I was experiencing.

 

Thing is, I stuck it out, and after what seemed like an eternity things finally started to let up. It seemed like a long time but the worst of it only lasted about 3 months.

 

After I came out of acute wd it was still no picnic. It has been a struggle for most of the past 14 moths but I am finally almost healed. Can you believe that? These days almost every day is a good day and some of them are even GREAT. It was soooo worth it. The wd had me convinced at the time that I was going to be stuck in hell forever but just like everyone said, I got better.

 

 

[[WT...]]

Here is a way I try to think about what's happening to me.  Just like you, my mind has control of itself and I can't do much about it, it's utter misery to the tenth power.  Here is one way to think about what is going on:

 

Imagine if you were in a restaurant, and your friend across the table from you is talking about something very meaningful to you, but... you eye someone at another table and see he has a pistol under the table, and he looks as though he has bad intent.  Your mind is going to completely quit caring about what your friend is talking about even though you might try to still listen.  The fear and anxiety centers in the brain take over and and shut down pleasure centers so you can stay aware of the danger.  In benzo withdrawal, this function goes completely ape sh*t, and we are left feeling as though an outside force is control of us, and it is in a sense.  I hate it so bad, Coop, just like you, but once the GABA receptors return, the guy with the gun will disappear forever.

[Guest [wi...]]

Here is a way I try to think about what's happening to me.  Just like you, my mind has control of itself and I can't do much about it, it's utter misery to the tenth power.  Here is one way to think about what is going on:

 

Imagine if you were in a restaurant, and your friend across the table from you is talking about something very meaningful to you, but... you eye someone at another table and see he has a pistol under the table, and he looks as though he has bad intent.  Your mind is going to completely quit caring about what your friend is talking about even though you might try to still listen.  The fear and anxiety centers in the brain take over and and shut down pleasure centers so you can stay aware of the danger.  In benzo withdrawal, this function goes completely ape sh*t, and we are left feeling as though an outside force is control of us, and it is in a sense.  I hate it so bad, Coop, just like you, but once the GABA receptors return, the guy with the gun will disappear forever.

 

Why would you put a scary image in someone's head like that when they are seeking comfort? I get what you're saying, but perhaps now was not the best time. I think the best advice in the vein would be to accept whats happening to your body and try not to fight it, see the symptoms and let them flow? Just my thought.

[[co...]]

I think what WTBNA said is a perfect way to understand what is happening. This is at least the 2nd analogy he has posted that I have read that has made absolute sense to me and my husband.  I'm sorry if it adds to anyone's fears but I appreciate the level of understanding his posts bring to this forum.

[[WT...]]

Here is a way I try to think about what's happening to me.  Just like you, my mind has control of itself and I can't do much about it, it's utter misery to the tenth power.  Here is one way to think about what is going on:

 

Imagine if you were in a restaurant, and your friend across the table from you is talking about something very meaningful to you, but... you eye someone at another table and see he has a pistol under the table, and he looks as though he has bad intent.  Your mind is going to completely quit caring about what your friend is talking about even though you might try to still listen.  The fear and anxiety centers in the brain take over and and shut down pleasure centers so you can stay aware of the danger.  In benzo withdrawal, this function goes completely ape sh*t, and we are left feeling as though an outside force is control of us, and it is in a sense.  I hate it so bad, Coop, just like you, but once the GABA receptors return, the guy with the gun will disappear forever.

 

Why would you put a scary image in someone's head like that when they are seeking comfort? I get what you're saying, but perhaps now was not the best time. I think the best advice in the vein would be to accept whats happening to your body and try not to fight it, see the symptoms and let them flow? Just my thought.

 

I humbly apologize if I offended you or anyone, Wickedangel, my intent was not to put a scary image in someone's head, but only to try and explain how the mind's fear centers take over, even when we are healthy.  I hope Coop did not find it frightening, but comforting as an explanation of why his mind seems to be taking over.  My apologies.

[[Fl...]]

No, don't apologize. It was a great analogy!  It wasn't scary. It was comforting to have an understanding!

Flip

[[...]]

Thank you all so much for replying.  I know you probably get tired of having to tell me the same stuff over and over, but I honestly need it.  Before I could remember all of your words of advice and wisdom, but now I just need it again and again over and over. 

 

I know its my obsessive thinking that is making this whole situation so much worse for me.  I just can't help it.  Before all of this I could control it, but now I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it and it will be this way forever, driving me crazy forever.  I also think that about dying because it would be so much easier than this, but I want my life back so bad.  I have to be able to stick this out.  I think that is why I try and fight it so much.  I can't stand having these feelings and I'm constantly obsessing on a way to make it easier and not being able to just relax through it all.

 

I'm already worrying about how I'm going to make it throug this tomorrow to make it easier for myself.  Should I go stay with someone tomorrow?  Will it be easier over there?  Do I want to make my wife drive that far?  I'm constantly worrying about everything and it just killing me.  I'm trapped in my head and it won't stop.  The constant depression, boredom, anxiety, and repetitiveness won't allow me to think of what else to do besides beating this and figuring out a way to make it so I can get through, and that's exactly what's making it so difficult to get through.  I wish I could just stop that.  I don't want to be this way anymore and all I can think of is that nothing will ever be the same again.  I go crazy when I think that way and I don't want to suffer through it anymore.  I don't know how to keep going through each for the endless suffering that I feel.

Being an overthinker is what is making this so hard.  I wish I could just turn my thoughts off until the receptors start working again.  That would be so much easier. 

 

But hearing from you guys always seems to calm me down for the moment and make me realize I just have to stick it out and it will get better no matter what.  It doesn't seem possible sometimes, but it has to.  I wish I could stop fighting.  I feel like fighting is the way I can save and fix what is so damaged.  Like if I could figure this out it would be easier and I could deal with, but I have to stop trying to figure it out and just try and stay calm. 

 

I hate being this scared that its all over.  I don't know how my brain is this far gone and I want it back so bad its killing me.  Thank you all for caring so much and contiuing to remind me what I need to know.  Its amazing what this has done to my brain.  I need constant reassurance that its going to get better.  Each day is so hard.  Each minute is so hard.  I think its best for me to just get off this drug in a week like my plan has been.  I think the worst of this is what I'm doing to myself.

 

Thank you for your concern wickedangel, but I completely understand what WTBNA is saying and it doesn't scare me.  It gives me a good way to understand this and why it is my brain is where its at and why I can't help it.

 

I wish this small amount of comfort I get could stay with me the whole way, but my brain wants to keep fighting and telling me its permanently damaged and my life is over.  I've got to stay strong for that part to get easy enough for me to ride out the rest.  Constantly trying to preplan each second of this horrific experience is only making things worse.  But I feel like I've got nothing left to do in life but worry. 

 

Even right now I'm going back and forth to thinking if I can just stay strong I can deal with it, to being frightened and unable to stop thinking.  Distraction is so hard with this powerful stupid brain.  I hate it.

[[...]]

WTBNA - good way to put it.  My body and mind are always on high alert.  It sucks.  It becomes hard to enjoy anything in life.  When my mind starts the obsessive worrying I literally say outloud "stop it."  Sometimes I will let my brain obsess but I only give it a few minutes then I move on.  It helps me to keep pictures of myself with friends and family around me at work.  It reminds me of happy times.  Before all of this happened to me.  I mean I can't even take a shower without having a panic attack.  When I have bad days I watch comforting movies like Harry Potter.  Something magical that takes me away.  Find your happy place Coop.  Maybe a picture of the beach, maybe hearing the sounds of a rain storm, maybe a candle that smells of lavendar...I have had to do things like this when I am panicky.  It helps a lot.  So each time I freak out, I just do one or more of these things and I feel a little better.  Did you have anxiety like this before the meds?

 

 

[Guest [wi...]]

Some people get unusual fears and intrusive thoughts.  Thts ehere my concern came in. Not trying yo bash u.  Im glad it helped actually!

[[pa...]]

Hi Coop, just relied to your other post.  Nope, you are "not" going crazy, insane nor are you psychotic.  That is Mr. Benzo Poison making you think that way.  Its the pitts going through this, but I as so many bbs know.. you will heal!!  Of course, right now that's hard for you to hold onto.  Just try as difficult as it is to stay in the moment, in seconds and minutes.  Try not to go further out from there.  Grap onto a mantra, anything to try create little distractions.  My thoughts are with you Coop. Just keep posting to all of us, we are there for you.  Don't worry about posting anything the same over and over again.  Your not the first, we have all done it.  Hugs, Pattylu

[[...]]

DG,

 

No I never had anything close to this level of anxiety before. I had normal anxiety like anyone else. I'd get nervous before a speech or a job interview, but never to the point where I had a panic attack and had to take something for it. Just a little nervous. I've also been overweight up and down a lot of my life and would think about it sometimes but I've been able to lose and the thoughts never crippled me. And sometimes when I'd smoke pot and might get lost in my thoughts and worry a tad but it always went away. I probably overthought way too much, but I never needed anything to calm me down and keep going. But now that this has happened I feel like I'll be trapped worrying, overthinking, and having horrible anxiety forever because I can't stop now. Do those who have gotten better worry more than they did before? less? The same?

[[pa...]]

Coop, you actually worry less after you are healed.  Why... you are just so grateful to have your health back again, your life and that you actually went through that awful journey.  You realize then how strong your inner strength is, and all the things you thought were important or to "worry" about, you don't give them a hoot!  Oh, you will get through the tunnel Coop to that healing door.  You'll  fling that door open and then slam in shut, as you have your new life!  Just hang in there buddy, you will get there.  Until then, you have all of us to lean on.  We are all there with you and Mrs. C.  Hugs, Pattylu 

[[...]]

Thank you Patty. I hate thinking that even if I get better I'll still be scared and worried about things for the rest of my life. But just like you said, as long as I never have to go through with this again, everything else will be so simple and never worth worrying about at all. Maybe this crazy experience will actually some way end up making my life easier than it's even been.