Reinstated for 5 weeks just before month 5, feel like a total LOSER!

[Guest [Tu...]]

February 7 was probably the hardest day of my recent life. On that day I would have celebrated FIVE MONTHS. Instead, On January 16 I took some Xanax to get through a tough job interview, and I just kept on taking. Every day my self-esteem is like total crap. Three times I c/t'd for 72 hours, only to just give in because I had a job interview lined up. I've now given up on looking for a job in the next 9-12 months. I have enough money in savings to make it through the mid-summer of 2013. I can't take this feeling of self-loathing and depression when I WAS SO DAMN CLOSE! I can recall mornings when I woke up after sleeping through the night and didn't have "brain buzz" or any symptoms. It was just the anxiety of trying to "get back out there" that caused me to crumble.

 

I am so humbled by this horrible past 5 weeks! It's not like a 2-3 day reinstatement. Five weeks is a long time. So, I can't "pick up where I left off," though I hope the w/d won't be as prolonged. We'll see, eh?

 

So, welcome to Day 1 of my fifth c/t...

 

Tucson

[[Li...]]

Don't beat yourself up over this...give yourself credit for making it to the 5th month.

You did what you had to do to survive the interviews, it was instinctual - you need a job to live! I would bet your recovery will be easier to handle now that you know what is happening to you. Most of our withdrawal and anxiety issues come from "not knowing" what is going on - we panic and freak out. This time around, you already know what to expect - you know that your CNS is re-wiring itself. You should really get through round this with less bumps...

 

Take care,

 

Lida

[[jr...]]

Hi Tucson-There have been many times since my c/t when I wanted to throw in the towel.  I cannot even imagine going to a job interview during all of this.  You just have to do what will get you through.  You will get there.   Jenn

[[Ho...]]

I hate to hear you beat yourself up like this Tucson. This is a hard thing to go through. If it weren't there wouldn't be an online support group. You're doing the best you can. Sometimes good enough has to be good enough.

 

I often tell members to be kind to themselves during withdrawal. You wouldn't tell a friend who reinstated that they are a loser..etc. So why is it ok to say that about yourself?

 

 

[[4l...]]

Be kind to yourself.  My husband is at 20 weeks so I guess that equates to about 5 months.  It has been WICKED!! I know he badly wants to reinstate to end the pain.  It is A LOT to handle.  You are no loser.  I give you credit for trying again.

[[bl...]]

Tucson

 

As a matter of interest how did you feel when you re instated? I often wish that I had not started this god damn awful taper but I wonder about going back, from what I have read you remain unstable once a taper is started. I wish I could have a few hours without Brain Buzz!!!!

 

Good luck

 

Blower

[[Kl...]]

Hi Tucson,

 

((((((hugs)))))))  We all know how hard this is.  You are amongst friends -  the people who understand and know all too well how extremely difficult this is.  You matter, we care.  Hugs, KL

[Guest [Tu...]]

blower:

 

I was able to "function" and not freak out, but away from stressful situations I just felt really down on myself. I'd come so far and then "given up." A lot of subtle pressure to find a job, etc., came from my wife and when we had Valentine's Dinner at a restaurant I told her that I was really unhappy and that I felt subtle pressure from her to go back on and get on with my life. She didn't deny it, so from here on out I am just going to have to do this despite how she feels about it...

 

Tucson

 

P.S. Has anyone seen Soonerdean around lately? He and I were at about the same place and I haven't seen any comments from him. I hope he is OK...

[Guest [Tu...]]

Oh, and thanks to everyone else for your comments. I'm still beating myself up, but in time my self-loathing will pass...maybe on Day 45 or so!

 

Tucson

 

[[no...]]

Dude- remember me? We jumped about the same time. I totally get where you are coming from. And I know without a doubt you can get to where you were again. I have jumped three times. I will be six months March 3. I know the whole pressure to be well thing. Whenever w/d stuff comes up nowIt has gradually improved though, and yet when stressful situations come up, I am a mess. I had to give an artist talk 2 wks ago. I have never gotten up on a stage before, used a microphone, or done a powerpoint- it was like a derealization event for sure. Yeah, I did it.

So, how are you feeling?

There for you, and rooting for your success, which is out there. I wasn't sure of it til recently, but I can truthfully say its inevitable now. Not that we won't be stressed, and even freaked out in the future, but that we can manage it, and become stronger in the process.

Surround yourself with whatever makes you feel better- Susan(North)

[[...]]

Hi all. Welcome back Tucsondeadhead.

Bear

[[...]]

Tucson--

 

Might want to consider trashing your benzos. I had an extremely stressful event to go to a couple weeks ago, too. I had been strongly debating whether or not to take some Xanax to get through it so finally I just flushed them. Takes the decision away from an impulsive one to a deliberate one, as in, I'd have to go out of my way to get some more.

[Guest [Tu...]]

Thanks Bear and Susan (north). I just hate this whole experience so much! It totally rules my life. I can do some things. Other things are still beyond my ability. I guess I will see what the future holds. I just don't think that reinstating for five weeks and then coming off again can be as bad as when I reinstated for four-five months, or, even worse, when I just gave up and reinstated for seven years! I'm kind of looking forward to seeing just how fast it takes to get back to a "decent" baseline.

 

I have had people tell me that if I use even just once then my "internal clock" is set back to Day 1. I've found that to be untrue. So, five weeks... I'll see how much damage I did and how long it takes before I'm able to go out and go for my morning walks again. During the five weeks there were several 72-hour periods where I'd "try" and make a go of it. Then dealing with the outside world would come crashing in again. All I can say is that it will be what it will be...

 

Tucson

 

[Guest [Tu...]]

Thanks for the suggestion, Trig. That's my plan, but I need to discuss what I'm doing with my wife first. She's the one who has them stashed and doles them out. I think she may be a bit freaked at flushing them all, but that is exactly what I want her to do. No going back... I'll see how she takes it.

 

Tucson

 

[[Sa...]]

Hi Tuscondeadhead, and welcome back!

 

I'm glad your back, and willing to commit yourself again. Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Just try to learn from your mistakes.  I agree with Trig -- If you can get your wife to agree to trashing them then that's probably the best idea. I imagine it can get quite tempting to take a dose to feel better.

 

I believe I might have been one of the people that tried giving you advice on what to avoid when reinstating based on my unfortunate experience. I was almost healed -- 15 months out, and I was feeling great. I was getting a couple full windows every week when I felt completely normal, and it was just great! Then I chose to do something rather stupid by taking a 1 mg dose of ativan on a saturday night for some anxiety. I woke up the next day feeling still almost healed, and I said what the heck, and took another dose that night too. I woke up the next morning with my "internal clock" set back to day 1. And here I sit in agony 9 months later.  This might not happen to everyone, but I don't think a lot of people have tried testing this theory to find out.

 

best of luck

-Sam

[[...]]

^Yea, almost the same thing happened to me. I took Xanax Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. After that I was feeling a little "off," but didn't know it was withdrawal. So after that weekend, I took more on Monday. That Wednesday I got SLAMMED--that's when my withdrawal started. And here I am almost 8 months later.

[Guest [Tu...]]

Trig,

Hang in there. It's stories like yours that give me faith. As for me, well, I just passed the 25-hours-off mark, so I'm into Day 2. Whoopee!

 

Tucson

[[Im...]]

Obviously, as well all know, everyone's experience is different blah blah blah... HOWEVER. Statistically it does seem that the longer people were on benzos the more likely they are to have bad withdrawals. While there are exceptions, there does seem to be a clear correlation between the two. So that indicates that having been back on for five weeks, you're less likely to have incurred the same level of damage you did in the years and years you were on before. The kindling effect might counteract that somewhat, but I'd say you have a good chance of still keeping some of your progress, getting back off the drugs now.

 

Either way, day two is two days further along than you were last week. Hang in there!

[[re...]]

Have you considered tapering? Sorry to hear the beast got you again. You can get free.

[[Fl...]]

I am going to take the opposite side and say that yes, you should be kicking yourself for reinstating. You know what these drugs have done to you and you aren't doing yourself any favors by yo-yoing on and off c/t's like this.

 

The pattern I see is that you manage to get yourself off, you slowly drift away from the forum and then pop back in a couple of months later after you have been on the drug again for several weeks. My suggestion is that you need to post here at least once a day, every day until you are a couple of years off.

 

We are here for you man, but you are only going to make it harder on yourself jumping off and on this way. Eventually you are going to have to pay the piper and I think you know it isn't going to be a pleasant experience. I am coming up on 14 months off and it STILL isn't a pleasant experience. Thing is though, I can now see full and compete healing just on the horizon. It didn't seem like it at the time but it's totally worth the agony I went through to get here.

 

 

[Guest [Tu...]]

Thanks for telling it like it is, FloridaGuy. You nailed me...

 

Tucson

 

[[JC...]]

Next time, perhaps should plan for vacation; small one - cheap one, somewhere to make you happier, improve your mood; that may be more helpful.

 

Anyway, to me, you are still much tougher than I do. I am looking up to you so don't make me lose faith.

[[Fe...]]

Hello,

I know exactly how you feel.

Freida

[Guest [Tu...]]

JC201101 and feeling better, both of you hang in there. It's tough and I can't believe I am going through this w/d crap AGAIN! FloridaGuy really pegged it. I tend to yo-yo on and off and I just have to find it in me to stay off for good!

 

Oh, well, Day 2 and I feel like crap! It's my own fault, too...

 

Tucson

 

[[no...]]

but its a familiar crap...