Very depressed Biological clock ticking and withdrawl is eatting up time

[[ji...]]

I turn 34 this June and we are considering having children. The thought scares the hell out of me, but I don't want to wait too long and run into infertility, if I'm not there already. I'm down to 1.25 from 6mg of Klonopin. I'm have a strong urge to go cold turkey, but I'm worried about the damage. If I wait it out, what about those 2 years or so where I'll still be not right ( I'm basing this assumption based on others stories ). Can I be a mother under these circumstances? What if I experience post pardom depression to the extreme? Has anyone had children right after tappering off and what did you experience? I know I should just focus on getting better, but I feel like this is going on forever!

[[lo...]]

Hey there Jillian...

 

First off, I would definitely consult a medical doctor to make sure you're physically well enough to have children... I don't know anything about drug interactions and pregnancy myself.

 

There's not much that I can tell you, except, I can tell you this... as dead and terrible as benzos make us feel, there are also biological urges that are equally and strong, fulfilling, and creative as benzos are the opposite. One of the strongest feelings I have ever been able to witness or experience is the deep sense of nurturing and compassion that a mother (or father) can have for thier children.

 

Having children is no small matter, but at the right time and in the right place, it is a wonderful opportunity for growth and love.

 

Those of us who have or have experienced very deep depression know (or may not know) that it causes us to focus on ourselves. Focusing on ourselves only exacerbates our depression and makes us feel more depressed; the optimism and love and genuineness that comes from having human relationships is the only thing that can and will ever be able to heal us. Having people who are dear to us in our life, such as our children or our spouse, forces (or at least creates a great incentive for) us to think "outside" of ourselves, which not only helps build our relationships, but helps us heal ourselves, on the inside, too.

 

I realize this doesn't help answer your questions about cold turkeying... hopefully others will step in and offer what they can about going cold turkey, or waiting it out. You  might want to run "cold turkey" in the search bar and see what others have said in the past. Hopefully this helped make the thought of children less scary for you though... if you added more details as to what exactly about it scares you, that might help too. I wish you the best!

[[...]]

You're not alone Jillian.  I'm 31 and my husband is 39 and we would like to have a child before I'm too old.  This taper has been really rough and I've had to slow it down a lot. 

 

How have you been feeling throughout your taper so far?  In my opinion cold turkey is not a good option.  You could possibly consider making more frequent or slightly larger cuts if this will still allow you to cope well with the withdrawal.  However, slow and steady wins the race when it comes to benzo tapering.  So I don't want to make any recommendations one way or the other.  It's a personal choice and one needs to consider all possible consequences in order to make a decision.

 

Personally, I would not even think about becoming pregnant while still taking benzos and I would want to be well on my way to being healed before becoming pregnant.

 

Here is what's in the Ashton Manual regarding benzos during pregnancy.

Adverse effects in pregnancy. Benzodiazepines cross the placenta, and if taken regularly by the mother in late pregnancy, even in therapeutic doses, can cause neonatal complications. The foetus and neonate metabolise benzodiazepines very slowly, and appreciable concentrations may persist in the infant up to two weeks after birth, resulting in the "floppy infant syndrome" of lax muscles, oversedation, and failure to suckle. Withdrawal symptoms may develop after about two weeks with hyperexcitability, high-pitched crying and feeding difficulties.

Benzodiazepines in therapeutic doses appear to carry little risk of causing major congenital malformations. However, chronic maternal use may impair foetal intrauterine growth and retard brain development. There is increasing concern that such children in later life may be prone to attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity, learning difficulties, and a spectrum of autistic disorders.

 

I understand the desire to have a child and the concern that benzo withdrawal takes a lot of time.  Remember, women tend to have children later in life these days sometimes in their early 40's.  It might not be ideal but it is important to be in a good place in terms of physical and emotional health during pregnancy.

 

PM me anytime if you need to talk.

 

mmgc

 

[[ji...]]

Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I'm really looking forward to the rewards and hard work of motherhood ( my life is understressed besides withdrawl ). I don't work and as long as my husband has a job I can stay this way. It's lonely being home alone all day. My withdrawl has been varied. I don't have some of the side effects because I'm choosing to use a medicine that is legal in some states and is not to be discussed on this site, if you can figure that one out  I would say without it I would be plenty more miserable, but that's just because this particular plant and my brain get along very well and I have no adverse side effects from it besides increased hunger. After reading so many stories I can't believe I was on 6mg of Klonopin at one point and have managed to get down to 1.25. I sleep fine, but depression has been bad at times where I don't get out of bed, while some days when the taper has leveled off I feel great; surprizingly! I would not want to get pregnant still with this drug in my system, and I will forgo my happy herbs as well when the time comes. I would not want a poor babies first weeks of life spent in withdrawl. I think I'm going to continue to take it slow. I bought my 100ml container for titration yesterday. I'm excited and scared to be close to that point. Thanks so much for the support!!

[[lo...]]

Something I forgot to mention....

I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier, because it used to be really close to my heart.

 

Your tapering is most important right now. But as for having children, I used to be very involved with the foster care system. No matter how fast you end up healing, how long your taper takes, etc., etc., I really recommend that anyone considering having children considers foster care. I've had close relationships with foster mothers, friends who were foster children, and foster grandmas, and a psychologist who used to work for Child Protective Services.

 

In most states, the goal of the foster care system is to rehabilitate the parents and reunite the children with their biological parents, assuming the parents have some desire to raise their own children. In these situations, foster parenting arrangements are temporary; however, the importance of the role that these parents play in these children's lives, however brief, is just as strong. However, there are also many situations where the biological parents either have no desire to parent their children, have a serious drug addiction or abuse pattern problem, or for whatever other reason, are not able or willing to care for and nurture their children. It is in these situations that adoption becomes an option.

 

There is a grave need for foster parents who are loving and good role models, but also open-minded and laid back. In my personal opinion, anyone who has gone through a benzo addiction knows just how important it is to have emotional, mental, and physical support in our lives; how important it is to take care of each other, much more than perhaps someone who hasn't had that experience. One of my friends who was a foster child growing up was also gay. He got moved from set to set of foster parents because - frankly - statistically speaking, most people who volunteer to be foster parents where I live have some very firm beliefs about sexuality and spirituality.

 

I can tell you from my own personal experience that, to a child, a parent isn't the person who had you. A parent isn't the person who pays for your things either. A parent is someone who cares about you deeply, knows you, challenges you, teaches you new things, demonstrates how to work hard, be committed, be thoughtful, be kind, and to take reasonable risks when the occasion arises. That's why, when I think about my family, the people who I consider myself closest to aren't necessarily related to me by blood.

 

Anyway, just wanted to offer up that information in case it happens to useful to you. Always good to keep your options open. Happy healing.

[Guest [...]]

Hey there

 

Please please dont have children while still on this rubbish.  Noone would ever want to go through withdrawals let alone a new born baby how horrific.  Wait till you are off this stuff to give your baby the best start in life.

 

 

 

Lizzy

[[Me...]]

Feel your pain!  37 year olf single mom of a 4 year old, no partner yet on 10 mg valium.  So my chances of having another baby are getting slimmer (the no partner is a big barrier to not having children!) but I have a hard time even dating. How can I get into the messy details of my benzo tapering and mental health appointments, disability payment, etc etc and still have a hope to get into a decent relationship.  hmmm.  Tick tick tick!

[[ji...]]

I guess one step at a time, but I'm so anxious  I just need to stay focused on getting well and that means not stressing over the future and being more in the present.

[[...]]

jillian - I joined this forum only a few days ago and just came across your post. We have quite a few things in common. I initially started tapering off of Klonopin because my husband and I were planning to start a family and I ask myself all those same questions daily. Depression is also one of my strongest symptoms. I have more good days than bad, but it takes a while to recover from them. I'm also able to stay home while my husband works and am home alone all day...it definitely gets lonely and I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts at times. I took 4mg Klonopin/day for 10 years for Spasmodic Torticollis and didn't realize what was in store until I abruptly stopped .5mg/day back in October of last year. (I thought I was at a small enough dose to stop completely and be ok…oh so wrong.) I'm finally down to .125mg/day. After reading so many stories here, I'm also realizing just how fortunate I am to have come this far in one piece, but also realizing I have a much, much longer road ahead. Like you, I feel we can't wait much longer. Early menopause runs in my family and I refuse to let this drug take away our future. I can't imagine life without children. I have thought about going cold turkey so many times, but think it will do more harm in the long run, so I'm trying my best to be patient. I've only become fully "benzo aware" since finding this forum. My husband and I have actually been actively trying to conceive for the last 5 months. Both my doctors gave us the green light to start trying, but I'm now having major second thoughts. I just don't know if I can wait any longer…especially since I'm starting to worry fertility is going to be an issue. If I only knew has been my mantra lately, but am trying with everything to live in the present without guilt from the past and worry for the future. I don't think I can face the harsh criticism for continuing to try while tapering if that's what we decide, so I don't plan to announce it from the rooftops. I just wanted to say thank you because it's nice to know I'm not alone with all these questions and wanting to start a family during this time.

[[ji...]]

Hi Ally, Sorry I didn't reply back sooner. I've also considered trying while still having it in my system or cold turkey. The risks I believe are more for the last trimester, but I have decided not to just yet. I feel really unstable right now and I'm just not right to be having kids because I'm depending on biology to take over. I think it's a personal choice and the risks are low, but I personally worry about stress and miscarriage as I come into the home stretch and titration. I'm not sure I could keep up with a child right now.

Email me anytime. I'm at home all the time and it does make one a wee bit crazy. I need to get out more.