I feel like I have Schizophrenia

[[WT...]]

I feel nuts.. there is no hope.

[[Ha...]]

If you're nuts then we're all nuts.  By the way, does your name stand for want to be normal again?  That sentence keeps going through my head.

[[WT...]]

Hi, Half-life.  Yes, that is what WTBNA stands for.

[[pa...]]

Hi,  Did you have Schizophrenia before Benzos?  If not, then you don't have it now, its wds that are causing you feeling this way and thinking this way.  Yes, everyone feels "nuts" when they are going through this.  Hope?  You have hope, its just dwindled a bit with what you are dealing with.  When the rough curves in this journey hit, as they are at this moment, that's when you need to do a lot of self talking, that you are "not" nuts, you "are"  healing, plently of people before me have experienced the same thing and HEALED. 

 

Go into SUCCESS STORIES.  Read  "Paul's posted by Cupcake, Read Kenny's.  In fact if you can print them off, read and reread them.  It will help.

 

My prayers and hugs are with you!  Pattylu

[[as...]]

WTBNA,

 

You aren't nuts and the absolutely is hope!!!  I get the same feeling, in waves, and each time it happens it is less intense than the time before. I don't give in to the horrible feelings, I just try to ride it out. Once I accepted the fact that it was from being in withdrawal and that my mind is healing it became a lot easier to ride these horrible feelings out. I try to distract myself when I start feeling 'crazy'. I come on this website a lot and post how I'm feeling (under progress log). That usually helps. If it doesn't I try something else (listen to a song, clean, take a bath, eat some food). Whatever it may be I just try not to wallow and think about how crazy I'm feeling. Sometimes just repeating to myself, "it will be ok, relax, you're healing" helps.

 

Benzos are awful, we don't realize what they do to our minds until we no longer have them. Just remember that your mind is trying to adjust to this world without benzos, and that definately takes time!!

 

I really hope this helps! Please stay strong and hang in there!! You can and will be better!!!

[[WT...]]

WTBNA,

 

You aren't nuts and the absolutely is hope!!!  I get the same feeling, in waves, and each time it happens it is less intense than the time before.

 

 

That's just it.. mine are getting more and more intense.  I had some hope at the beginning of month 5, but now at almost month 7, I'm getting worse.  I feel as though I'm being hunted by something, and I can't relax -- I feel doomed.

[[WT...]]

Hi,  Did you have Schizophrenia before Benzos?  If not, then you don't have it now, its wds that are causing you feeling this way and thinking this way.  Yes, everyone feels "nuts" when they are going through this.  Hope?  You have hope, its just dwindled a bit with what you are dealing with.  When the rough curves in this journey hit, as they are at this moment, that's when you need to do a lot of self talking, that you are "not" nuts, you "are"  healing, plently of people before me have experienced the same thing and HEALED. 

 

Go into SUCCESS STORIES.  Read  "Paul's posted by Cupcake, Read Kenny's.  In fact if you can print them off, read and reread them.  It will help.

 

My prayers and hugs are with you!  Pattylu

 

I did not have have it before.  But now, everything is messed up so bad.  I'm scared of EVERYTHING.. even my family, and can't sit still because it feels like something is going to get me. 

[[Au...]]

Me too.  You are not alone.  If none of us had this before, then it has to be the benzos. 

Hang in there.

 

[[WT...]]

Reading the Ashton manual earlier, and it it said the receptors may return deformed, or something like that.. this is so depressing.  If this is true, then how do people heal?  This may be the most hopeless I've felt during this entire w/d.. completely hopeless.  I simply cannot deal with this horror.

 

I'm so sorry to be so negative, but my God, this is so depressing and horrifying.

[[pa...]]

Hi, my hubby got worse at month 7 also, then things started changing, the intrusive thoughts and scary feelings started subsiding.  Yes, it's really difficult, but, you can and will get thru this.  Just stay online with all of the bbs, you have your support and strength thru all of us, as we understand.  I unfortunately went thru it also in 80's from Valium, I felt exactly how you wrote.  I healed like everyone does.  You just have to keep telling yourself "I was not this way before benzos, others have healed like I am doing.  Month 7 seems to be the worse for so many.  Just... This will settle, I am strong, this is wds, it's not me!!  Just put one foot in front of the other.  You have our arms around you.  Hugs, pattylu

[[pa...]]

Reading the Ashton manual earlier, and it it said the receptors may return deformed, or something like that.. this is so depressing.  If this is true, then how do people heal?  This may be the most hopeless I've felt during this entire w/d.. completely hopeless.  I simply cannot deal with this horror.

 

I'm so sorry to be so negative, but my God, this is so depressing and horrifying.

 

 

No the GABA receptors are NOT damaged, just temporarial disrupted... They heal, I and so many others are proof.    Hugs, pattylu

[[WT...]]

Hi, my hubby got worse at month 7 also, then things started changing, the intrusive thoughts and scary feelings started subsiding.  Yes, it's really difficult, but, you can and will get thru this.  Just stay online with all of the bbs, you have your support and strength thru all of us, as we understand.  I unfortunately went thru it also in 80's from Valium, I felt exactly how you wrote.  I healed like everyone does.  You just have to keep telling yourself "I was not this way before benzos, others have healed like I am doing.  Month 7 seems to be the worse for so many.  Just... This will settle, I am strong, this is wds, it's not me!!  Just put one foot in front of the other.  You have our arms around you.  Hugs, pattylu

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Pattylu, and normally my mind would settle some, but I'm about to panic, and I haven't done that in a long time.  What is this crap about receptors being deformed when they come back?  This is killing me..  I'm trying to stay calm.  It's bad enough thinking that I may take a long time to heal, but to add what I just read, is... I don't know... 

 

Do things really go back to normal when you are healed?  I can't imagine it.  Yes, I'm flipping out, and I'm so sorry.

[[...]]

Hi WTBNA! I identify with EVERYTHING you've described as usual...our brains must have been made from the same mold   I too do not see an end to this crap...I feel a lil more 'decent' today but by no means in a window or semi-window...

 

You've had some symptoms leave you, right? Then it means healing IS POSSIBLE!! And I am writing this for me too...I've been in the worse WAVE imaginable for a while now...and it does not seem to wanna let up anytime soon I too feel like I have schizophrenia and in fact it has gotten as bad as me losing touch with reality on occasion Does it get that bad for you?

[[WT...]]

Hi WTBNA! I identify with EVERYTHING you've described as usual...our brains must have been made from the same mold   I too do not see an end to this crap...I feel a lil more 'decent' today but by no means in a window or semi-window...

 

You've had some symptoms leave you, right? Then it means healing IS POSSIBLE!! And I am writing this for me too...I've been in the worse WAVE imaginable for a while now...and it does not seem to wanna let up anytime soon I too feel like I have schizophrenia and in fact it has gotten as bad as me losing touch with reality on occasion Does it get that bad for you?

 

Absolutely, mmir, I loose touch with reality a lot.  Like if I see a curved line, my mind says "That's an alien head, stay away from it!"  It's like my mind is afraid of things from my childhood or something.  It's so stupid, and makes me feel mentally ill.  I'm in no way the mentally strong person I used to be.. it's so sad.  I feel a lot like I did in month 2.

[[pa...]]

I have never read anything by dr. Ashtson that the receptors are damaged.  I think you might be quoting from her Manuel, that other docs mentioned that, but she emphatically wrote, there is no evidence of any damage based on her long term research.  If that were not the case, then how come I am fine, Pamster is fine, all other bbs are fine???  Go to SUCCESS STORIES, especially read PAUL,S posted by cupcake, as well as Kenny,s. Print them off, keep them close and keep reading them.  This part will settle and pass for you, as all other bbs.  Come on now, get into success stories, read... Do some good deep breathing.  The hardest step you have already done, getting off the drug. You,ll be ok.... BREATHE.. Read the good stuff. Success Stories.  We have all had exactly what you have... We are fine and you will be too! Hugs, Pattylu

[[...]]

Absolutely, mmir, I loose touch with reality a lot.  Like if I see a curved line, my mind says "That's an alien head, stay away from it!"  It's like my mind is afraid of things from my childhood or something.  It's so stupid, and makes me feel mentally ill.  I'm in no way the mentally strong person I used to be.. it's so sad.  I feel a lot like I did in month 2.

 

Yes, I know...Like you, I feel like I have to run, escape from something...and many times the only place I feel safe is curled up in a ball in the corner of my bathroom...but then if I spend too much time in there, I start feeling claustrophobic...it's always something...

 

I feel like I am still in acute withdrawals...And like I've said, I am really closer to 4 months 3 weeks, so closer to you in timeframe...(like I said I tapered from 5% to 0 of my initial dose in 2 months and by then I was already in acute withdrawal).

[[pa...]]

Right now you don,t feel mentally strong, that,s the affect from the drug causing wds.  The scary things you wrote, that is "normal" from wds.  Doesn,t make it easy I know, you just have to say NO this is from benzo wd NOT ME when those things happen.  You,ll be ok... It's ruff, but you will be fine.  Just stay online with all your bbs. Pattylu

[[WT...]]

I have never read anything by dr. Ashtson that the receptors are damaged.  I think you might be quoting from her Manuel, that other docs mentioned that, but she emphatically wrote, there is no evidence of any damage based on her long term research.  If that were not the case, then how come I am fine, Pamster is fine, all other bbs are fine???  Go to SUCCESS STORIES, especially read PAUL,S posted by cupcake, as well as Kenny,s. Print them off, keep them close and keep reading them.  This part will settle and pass for you, as all other bbs.  Come on now, get into success stories, read... Do some good deep breathing.  The hardest step you have already done, getting off the drug. You,ll be ok.... BREATHE.. Read the good stuff. Success Stories.  We have all had exactly what you have... We are fine and you will be too! Hugs, Pattylu

 

Thanks, Pattylu, I've read a lot of the success stories, but I don't know if I have read Kenny's.  I'm trying to find it.  I have read Paul's, Pamsters, and many others.

[[re...]]

Lately I've been feeling really depressed, and I was doing fine for a long time. It's pretty discouraging. Of course, when you're depressed, you are easily discouraged anyway.

 

I think Ashton wrote that there's no evidence for permanent brain damage from benzos. But even if there were brain damage, it could still heal. People get shot in the head, have strokes, have concussions, have brain tumors removed - and they still heal. Cut yourself and it heals. It grows back the way it should be. It knows how it should be. The information's all there, in the genes. So, whatever damage was done, healing is still in the cards. Just try to get through the painful process. Know that it won't go on forever, and try to get through each day the best you can. That's what we all have to do. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, no doubt.

Hang in there.

Evan

[Guest [Pf...]]

I'm starting to feel hopeless as well.  I had trouble getting off, and failed three times.  But, I felt that if I could get off and stay off, that the symptoms would be manageable, especially after a period of time.  And for the first few months thngs were OK, then a bad flare up, but then steady improvement through about the 8th month.  But the last few weeks (I am 9.5 months off) have involved a return of very intense physical symptoms.

 

I too had read Ashton's stuff about permanent damage.  Before this, I had noticed where she said that there is no evidence of structural damage.  But now I have noticed that she has said, particularly recently, that muscle and perceptual symptoms may on occassion be permanent.

 

My understading is that she has noted that several studies about structural damage are inconclusive, but that so far there is no evidence of that.  But she said that there may be functional changes that take a long time to resolve, and that at least there is some evidence that some people have had to live with it the rest of their lives.

 

I don't mean to be a downer.  But perhaps one should not overlook the possibility that in her attempt to help and be encouraging to people to get off of benzos, that she has not given a sufficient warning that people could be in for a long period of very debelitating symptoms.  Clearly things are worse for me than when I decided to try to taper off in the summer of 2008.

 

What she said is that no one should be forced to taper off, but that people should not be scared off by the horror stories.  She adds that a well done taper should make things manageable in most cases.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think she has done wonders in bringing attention to the problems of benzo over prescription and lack of resources to get off.  But I wonder in her hope that if done right things will go well in getting off, if she is making the same error that many doctors do in prescriving them.  That is, in an attempt to help patients, doctors put there hope above evidence.

 

People wonder why doctors prescribe benzos despite the evidence that they are problematic.  I do not think at this point that is it because of the drug companies.  Sure, the drug companies over the years have done a lot to promote benzos.  But at this point, because benzos are all available in generics, they probably not promoted very much.  And the drug companeis own literature at this point warns of long term use, as do standard medical texts.

 

Having spoken to doctors, here is my sense of what happens.  Someone comes into a doctor with what is a legitimate problem.  For example, the person has really frustrating insomnia -- nothing like people in withdrawal have, but a situation where they do not get good sleep.

 

The doctor really wants to help.  He knows that benzos or a z-drug will almost certainly bring relief to the patient.  He has also heard that one has to be careful to not overruse it or stop abruptly.  The truth is that even if used properly, for some percentage of people (it is still not clear) that benzos can cause serious physical dependency very quickly.  IF the doctor were thinking that he would say "Look, I know you have trouble sleeping, but it is riskly to give you a benzo.  I know it is tought, but just tough it out."  Instead the doctor thinks "I really want to help, and I think that if used carefully, the benzos shoud not be too much of a problem"  and that is how it starts.  The fact is, for many people benzos are not a huge problem, but it is risky.

 

So too with the taper.  The reality is that many people who taper, even gradually, run into serious problems for a long period of time.  Ashton is aware of that, but in an attempt to help in her own mind she thinks "Well, I know that can happen, but that is probably the one in a million."

 

So I am not criticizing her, so much as realizing that her view is just human nature for someone who is wanting to help and be hopeful. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Cr...]]

Reading the Ashton manual earlier, and it it said the receptors may return deformed, or something like that.. this is so depressing.  If this is true, then how do people heal?  This may be the most hopeless I've felt during this entire w/d.. completely hopeless.  I simply cannot deal with this horror.

 

I'm so sorry to be so negative, but my God, this is so depressing and horrifying.

 

If the receptors return deformed, I do not believe that means we cannot fully heal or feel like our pre-benzo selves.  It means that benzodiazepines may not have the same effects that they have had before withdrawal, should you decide to use them again.  It may be changes/deformations that cause people who reinstate several months after a cold turkey to say that the benzos provided little to no relief or caused paradoxical reactions.

 

In other words, the deformations would cause you to be sensitive to benzodiazpines for quite some time... even if you are feeling well or fully healed.  That doesn't mean that one-off doses such as during surgery or a dentist appointment will set you back to square one (such situations are necessary).  Ultimately it could mean that benzos will lose their effectiveness relatively quickly and the potential for withdrawal is increased over that of someone whose receptors are not deformed.

[[WT...]]

Reading the Ashton manual earlier, and it it said the receptors may return deformed, or something like that.. this is so depressing.  If this is true, then how do people heal?  This may be the most hopeless I've felt during this entire w/d.. completely hopeless.  I simply cannot deal with this horror.

 

 

 

If the receptors return deformed, I do not believe that means we cannot fully heal or feel like our pre-benzo selves.  It means that benzodiazepines may not have the same effects that they have had before withdrawal, should you decide to use them again.  It may be changes/deformations that cause people who reinstate several months after a cold turkey to say that the benzos provided little to no relief or caused paradoxical reactions.

 

In other words, the deformations would cause you to be sensitive to benzodiazpines for quite some time... even if you are feeling well or fully healed.  That doesn't mean that one-off doses such as during surgery or a dentist appointment will set you back to square one (such situations are necessary).  Ultimately it could mean that benzos will lose their effectiveness relatively quickly and the potential for withdrawal is increased over that of someone whose receptors are not deformed.

 

I guess that is one positive way of looking at it.  I just feel so bad about this whole thing.

[[...]]

One question for you WTBNA, do you have emotional blunting too?  It's bad for me  :'( :'( :'(

 

I also feel like running and whenever I am in a car, I feel like jumping out of the car...not suicidal at all, just a need to escape 'something'

[[Sa...]]

This is an interesting topic because although I don't hear voices, I often imagine people are talking about me behind my back. That is related to the extreme anxiety and agoraphobia I'm still experiencing.

[[...]]

Sam, I used to hear voices...no more, thank God!  Hope that one does not come back!

 

I do have paranoia