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In a wave today. I really need some reassurance. I'm all alone.


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For the last couple days, I have been feeling more and more under the weather, and today it has hit me hard. I feel like I am almost back to acute, post-jump days. It has not hit this hard in a while. It's scaring me because my mother who lives with me is out of town until the 19th, and I feel so alone. My dogs are just looking at me with fear in their eyes cause they sense how awful and afraid I feel.


The s/x I am having bad: flushed, left arm pain, extreme head pressure, neck stiffness, and this puffy feeling all over my torso, almost like a feeling as if I can literally feel my blood pressure raising and I am having fear thoughts like I am going to die of a stroke or brain aneurism. My BP was 143/97 the other day when I was at the doctor, and it has been in that range for a while, each time I am at the doc. I don't know if it is lower when at home cause I don't have a home BP monitor. I just keep worrying that my BP is going to kill me. I am only 33! But, I have HIV and I get scared my HIV meds are going to kill me cause they cause some of this stuff.


PLease someone talk me down. I feel like I am going to lose it.



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Hi there - I'm so sorry you are having a rough day.  I know it's hard when you feel along.  Try to remember that the physical symptoms and organic fear are normal - and that they have passed before and will pass again this time. Try to see these things as a brain trying to find balance and correct things in the way that it knows how. It doesn't follow a timetable that we want - and that is what makes withdrawal frustrating - not knowing when it will hit and how long it will last until it's all over. But know that it will be all over.  Simple hold your dogs if you can - they won't know the difference. Only you will. :)


Something that does help me when I'm feeling this way is to think of it as "normal" for the experience. Our brains are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing - and the ups and downs prove it.  Remember this.  Another thing is to be thankful for things out loud. "I am thankful that ____ and for _____".  It sounds silly -but it's a grounding technique that reminds me of what is in the world when I'm out of it.


Finally - it sounds like your BP has you concerned. It's good that you're seeing a doctor - and as long as he/she is monitoring you, you are okay. :)  Some people DO have higher BP when seeing a doctor "white coat syndrome" they call it.  I'm one of them. But even if not, a bit of higher BP is normal in withdrawal and recovery, too. You probably know that , but remeber that most of this is all normal as the CNS and body's systems are trying to find normalcy.


You will get there! Hang in there. This will likely pass soon and you'll have a stretch of easier times.



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You are in prime time. Most people see some relief between 4-6 months off. Your time could be right around the corner. And it can happen overnight. I was in a world of pain until 4 months off when I started to finally see a little relief, then I turned a corner at 5 months off and it made all the difference in the world. It has by no means been easy since then but the important thing was that I got over that hump and started to see things that gave me hope. The past 14 months have been a wild ride but I am finally seeing a real possibility of full recovery being very close. Hang in there, it will happen for you too.
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So sorry to hear this.  You were doing so well.  AHHH 

Well you know the drill by now.  You are in a wave.

Stay in the moment.  You don't know how long it will last.  But you will get through it.

Is there someone who you can call, someone who can stay with you for a time?


Are you able to drive?  Can you go to a pharmacy and check you BP?


Breath and exhale.  4 inhale; 7 hold; 8 exhale

Tell yourself that you are strong; these are only sensations and thoughts; your body will not fail you.


Back with more in a bit...

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I had to pull up some of my most comforting things that others have posted/shared with me.

I hope you find some solace in them:


Nothing that happened before this moment has any power over you whatsoever, except to the extent to which you carry it into this moment. Dwell in the present with full forgiveness of yourself and others, and your life will be lifted to divine right order....perfection, prosperity, peace



Do not look forward to what might happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father, who cares for you today, will take care of you tomorrow and every day.

Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

--St. Francis de Sales



Don't ever give up. In that deepest darkest time I want you to know I understand. I get you. Do not think you are ever alone in your mind.  Everything in life is waiting for you. You will have your life back.


I implore you, do not lose hope because your total healing is guaranteed, and it gets closer and closer each and every day.  Continue to wake up and give God thanks for another day…oh yes, it may be a crappy day, but you have another opportunity to obtain victory over this uninvited stage in your life…and victory is imminent…just stay the course!


And from Bliss Johns:

Accept the symptoms as a necessary path to your healing.  Make peace with them.  Don’t struggle against them.



Her affirmations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuTKW5b18N8&feature=watch_response

Coping Skills page:  http://recovery-road.org/resources/self-help/



You will get through this.  It is temporary.  You've been through worse and gotten through.


XOX  (((HUGS))))  We're all here for you.


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Thank you all for the kind words of support. Still not feeling great today, but it could be because I stayed up late last night and didn't get proper rest. PLus my diet is all over the place right now and I don't know from one day to the next what may be causing what anymore. I feel like I am going crazy. Oh, and today marks 5 months off Ativan. I still cannot believe I have these problems 5 months later. I know that is not a long time for many people, but to me its 5 months of my life I feel I will never get back, and it infuriates me.


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143/97 is moderately elevated blood pressure.  Over the long term, you would probably want to discuss reducing your blood pressure with your doctor.


But 143/97 will not kill you in the short term -- much higher blood pressures can be an emergency.


Also, often people have higher blood pressure at their doctor's office, often called white coat syndrome.  You might consider buying a home blood pressure monitor and take your blood pressure periodically at around the same time of day.  Even here, however, you do not want to get to the point where you are constantly monitoring your blood pressure.  But, taking it at home will be a way of determining whether your pressure goes up because of anxiety of being at the doctor's office.

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