i don't feel human, the cycling of moods makes me crazy

[[Ho...]]

Dear Friends,

 

Can anyone talk to me about going on like this?  I don't feel human. The powerful emotional and physical feelings and surges are not even human and they are more than I can keep bearing. Please help.

 

I woke up all night again with the agitated nerve pain and really aching in my arms like always.  How can this keep going on this long at 22 and a half months?

 

Then the morbid thoughts came back racing in my mind while I was trying to shower and I wished I hadn't watched the Oprah Winfrey show here and there for all these years because the morbid shows she covered just came to mind in the shower about 5 or 6 of the most awful shows.  There were shows 20 years ago and I don't know why I remember them suddenly and thought the intrusive thoughts were gone or almost gone.  Why now again? 

 

When I watched the shows 20 years ago and watched the terrible things that happened to others I felt sad, concerned, interested and then you know, you turn the TV off or go cook dinner for your family and forget about it or just bring it up to tell your husband or friend about it, say a prayer but then we just forget and move on. 

 

But it is not that way now.  The morbid intrusive thoughts came and I was emotionally and physically crippled by them in the shower.  What do I do? 

 

Then the cycling overwhelming mood swings come. . .fear, anger, grief, while I sit in apathy and disconnected from everyone and everything.  How can I be having another day like this, this far out?  Why am I not getting better in my mind and body as each day keeps passing now?  It just seems that if I were on the right track, I would be feeling some improvement. This constant cycling cripples me to be reclusive and do nothing.  I am so lonely and there is nothing in my mind, heart and soul to interest me or bring joy.  Please help, why is it still this way?  I have fear in me right now.  Please help. 

 

I am afraid that I am going to have to admit that there is something very very wrong with me.  I am scared.  Please help.

 

I am doing everything right and still waiting to turn the corner.  I'm frightened that I am not getting well. Please help.  Hope4us

[[fi...]]

I'm still tapering, so I'm not sure why you're having these thoughts unless it's part of the healing process.

 

Perhaps some other buddies who are now benzo free can give you some advice/encouragement.

 

Wishing you well ...

 

fg

[[Co...]]

Dear Hope, I care about your suffering and wish that I could help...my thoughts are that we all heal differently...you know that already. For me the horrible and morbid thoughts left at about 14 months off, but I still continue to expereience really painful, and severe physical sx, all the time without a break...I never have had a window in 23 months. If I compared myself to others all the time I would be really discouraged...many people say all their physical left at 6 wks, 6 months or whatever but that isnt the way Im healing...recovery times are a range and only a range. I know you feel like you should be healed, so do I, but I have to trust that I am healing because I have made improvements in lots of areas. I trust that our brains know exactly how to heal and will heal with time. I could be jealous of people who have windows...and I am sometimes...but that is the way they are healing. Not me though but I am healing and you will too. Do you understand what Im trying to say Hope...I write clumsily I know...not like you. I was wondering if youve considered starting a progress log, where you list your actual sx...more of a precise listing...where your actual sx stand alone without your feelings about the sx, sort of just a list with a number from 1-10 for severity...that way maybe you could objectively view your healing. Its just a thought Hope. Trying to help in my own awkward way because I really do care about you a lot. I know you are frightened of meds now, so am I but recently I went on cymbalta for nerve pain. I have been in agony with this pain since detox and it took me 22 months to try something..I felt I had to. Cymbalta wasnt very effective for pain but has helped with other sx like vibes and jitteriness...so am staying on it...but had to add elavil so now on two psych meds...that sort of freaks me out but I couldnt go on like I was just trying to endure pain 24/7...if these dont work Ill have to try something else. I am concerned about you....not saying that you should try medication...I know youve had bad experiences with ads...but when you really think that you cant endure anymore I hopeyoull consider trying something to help you get thru this. I have no doubt this is wd Hope and that youll heal, but the not knowing when is very tough to handle. Just hate to see you in so much torment. I hope I havent offended you in any way. Trying to let you know I care. I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort soon. Love, Colleen 

[[Bi...]]

Hope,

 

I understand what you're saying. I have been meaning to write to you, as I have read your words for a long time. I, too have intrusive thoughts. I can tell you mine stem off childhood, and I cannot for the life of me, remember my childhood past. It is very unsettling! I remember a few things, but the rest comes to me as these intrusive thoughts. The thoughts I have are of things like my father chasing me in the forest. I have other thoughts, too. I will keep these thoughts to myself. I want you to know these are ONLY thoughts; they cannot hurt you. You get me? You are here in the present day, not back then. I know it's easier said than done, but please give this some time.

 

I woke up all night again with the agitated nerve pain and really aching in my arms like always.  How can this keep going on this long at 22 and a half months?

 

I agree with what Colleen said to you; others here have pain for three years. I am NOT saying you will; I have pain, myself, and it doesn't feel too pleasant. I sit on a heating pad at times. My pain is in my back; it feels like spinal burning. The pain I have, it, well - it burns. I cannot explain it to a 'T', but I know this will pass. I need to hang in here. This is the tallest mountain you will ever climb. Well, there are worse things, but withdrawal is up there.

 

You hang in there!  Are you still working on your book? I am a writer too, btw. I once wrote horror, but not right now. 

 

Hang in there,

Billy.

 

Edit: Typos

[[Ho...]]

Dear Colleen,

 

Thank you for posting to me.  Yes,, this is long suffering and frustrating to say the least.  You have been at it a long while too as I remember that we are in the same time frame.  Thank you for all the times you posted me months and months ago.  Oh yes, I do feel like we should be well by now.  Oh I hope we are close.  I hope everyone in our time frame is close.  I hope those who are following behind heal sooner.  I am the whiner of the group and you all are kind enough to me and also strong to keep positive heads while suffering so very much.  Oh, I hope we are close to symptoms just going away.  So many say that it just goes away.  It is surreal.  Colleen, you do not offend me at all.  My progress log would look sometime like just back and forth and back and forth.  I used to try to keep track but now at night in bed I just think about the day gone by and another brick knocked down off the wall of being disconnected from my loved ones, the birds, my interests, and everything else.  So I hope that I will wake up and the symptoms will be going and gone.  You haven't had any windows and you are so good not to compare to others journeys of healing.  You are a mature one and I knew that way back when.  You are sensible.  You have faith.  You hang in there and are strong for others here.  Oh I hope your nerve pain subsides soon.  You have put in much time and I pray that it will lift soon.  Yes, I am like the bird that beats it wings again the cage and exhausts itself and it doesn't help it break out of prison.  Another bird just sings in the cage.  Yes, there are those who are accepting and it must go better for them.  I don't think I will be able to write a success story saying that I was mature in the suffering or kept the faith in the suffering but I hope that I can write a success story.  Oh, let it be tomorrow!  Oh let it be now!  You see that is what I do.  I beg.  I lament.  I try to push the Lord's hand to give me relief.  I just weep in grief and in anger.  But anyway, I just wanted to write back to you today.  Thank you for caring about me.  It is good that our friends have each other here.  Hope4us

 

Dear Billy,  thank you for following my blog and thank you for posting to me.  I don't know if you are the same Billy who has a blog.  But my husband has read Billy's blog to me at times.  I asked him to see if you are the Billy with the blog because he said there are other Billy's too.  But anyway, I appreciate you writing to me and reading my blog and keeping up with me.  I do hope for relief to come your way soon.  I just want the symptoms to leave us all.  Time, time, time.  We are putting in time right now.  So  you are a writer.  That is cool.  I don't know that I am any kind of a writer outside of writing about me, myself and I and all of my sorrows and pain.  That is an easy thing to do, to just go on and on and on about it.  But to write other subjects of merit, well I don't know.  But you asked me if I have been writing on my novel.  Well I have been working on a rough draft chapter and trying to clean it up to send to Eli.  I have found that I am frustrated about my mental and emotional ability to work on it.  I can start to read through it and just get overwhelmed with anxiety or I can try to write and just feel like it is a futile attempt.  I leave the computer just weeping in grief and frustration over how inept I am and trying to work on this chapter keeps reminding me how far away I am from the able person I was before the poison.  But I will still try to work on it as it does give me something to try to do.  But I just want the disconnectedness to lift and allow me to feel my novel and everyone and everything else in our lives.  I used to think that if I just made myself play the piano or walk enough that the feelings would come this far out I have learned that it doesn't work that way.  Oh Father, please lift the symptoms off of us.  I just beg and so please forgive my begging my friends.  Even if I close my mouth, my thoughts still beg God.  Well, I just wanted to post back to you today.  Thank you and we will get through this day together.  Hope4us

[[...]]

Hi Hope4us! I have read many of your postings and I can clearly identify with many of them...like feelings towards family being the opposite of what they were and should be, etc. I have the same problem most of the time...all I can feel is fear, anger, dread, grief...and when I do feel positive emotions like joy and love they're very short-lived and unsustainable...

 

But I've had other symptoms leave me (or almost) such as cog fog, DP/DR, memory issues...which show me that I am healing...it is just the most devastating symptoms (intrusive thoughts, anger, dread/terror, anhedonia) that are sticking around...Did you have any symptoms leave you? I truly hope so!

[[Bi...]]

Hope,

 

It sounds like you have some derealization going on, maybe? I have it along with depression, it does get bad at times. The derealization and depression are horrible. I find it takes the derealization a long time to go.

It's good that you are writing, and going to send Eli a copy. It sounds interesting. You need to keep the writing up. Does it help you to write? I find it does help me at times. I, too, also find it rather hard to write at times.

This will all pass, Hope4us. I know it seems like a ceaseless maze, but you will reach the end of it.

 

 

Hang in there,

Billy.