Morning Psychosis

[[re...]]

I've been having a hard time lately, and it seems to be getting worse. Two months and one week benzo-free, and my sleep has never been worse. I wake up several times a night, starting just hours after I went to bed, and by 3 or 4 in the morning, it's almost impossible to get back to sleep.

 

I lie there in the pre-dawn gloom, feeling as if I've gone crazy. Literally psychotic. I seriously consider the possibility that I've already died, and gone to hell. I'm tormented by bad memories and terrible regret. I've stopped wondering when I'll be happy again. I find myself thinking that I really don't deserve to be happy.

I get up and have some coffee. It pulls me out of the nightmare a bit, clears my mind a little, and I wonder what's going on? Is this depression? Should I take something for it, or will it pass?

 

There is a daily cycle to this - bad in the morning, better in the evening. But lately it's been lasting well into the afternoon. I have to admit, I'm scared of what's happening and how much worse it might get. I think this morning was about as bad as I can take.

 

I'm sorry about this. I know there are people looking to me for encouragement. All I can say is, don't worry. What happens to me won't necessarily happen to you. But I have to talk to someone about this, and the people in my life don't seem to want to hear any more about it.

 

I'd really like to hear from anyone who's gone through this and got through it.

 

Evan

[[sm...]]

 

Mornings are allways the worst. Taking a nap anytime during the day started the whole process all over again.

 

It's very frightening and many times I'd wished the good lord would just take me. But deep down inside I didn't want to go. The drive to thrive has diminished but it's still there.

 

Sharing our misery with friends just doesn't work. It only chases them away and you know exactly what they're thinking, yup, they're thinking we're nut cases that need to be on meds. Family are the same way or probably worse. The forums are all most of us have where our misery is shared.

 

The intrusive memory's/thoughts, feeling as if your life is flashing right before your eyes, the horrid shame, feeling like a total loser, regretting everything you've ever done. It all lets up, but it takes time and will wax and wane enough just to get small glimpses of your former self. 

 

I'm at 18 months and still have a long way to go. Some of this cruelty has let up.

[[ba...]]

I have the same problem, this startes for me about  a week being benzo free,generally I sleepBout 2 to 3 hrs  aa nite, some mornings are better than others,I can honestly say If is getting better you will be fine, we are heal  differently. You could wake up tommorow  and be fine, this is what keeps me going along with acceptance it is what it is and will end when it ends you are wellon your way to healing bando

[[re...]]

Sorry you are slammed. You are in the thick of it for sure.

 

My sleep decayed around the 4 month mark. I woke up every 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I could be awake for the rest of the day at 3 or 4. I did a sleep study and was told my nerves were firing off all the time in my muscles. No kidding!  The nurse who did the study understood as her mother was a year out from 20 years of benzo use and had the same thing.

 

It gets better. It takes time, patience and some courage, but it does get better.

 

Keep posting and venting. Don't worry about having to be a role model for anyone. Just save the one life you can save, your own!

 

Hope your sleep gets better soon.

[[Ro...]]

I've been having a hard time lately, and it seems to be getting worse. Two months and one week benzo-free, and my sleep has never been worse. I wake up several times a night, starting just hours after I went to bed, and by 3 or 4 in the morning, it's almost impossible to get back to sleep.

 

I lie there in the pre-dawn gloom, feeling as if I've gone crazy. Literally psychotic. I seriously consider the possibility that I've already died, and gone to hell. I'm tormented by bad memories and terrible regret. I've stopped wondering when I'll be happy again. I find myself thinking that I really don't deserve to be happy.

I get up and have some coffee. It pulls me out of the nightmare a bit, clears my mind a little, and I wonder what's going on? Is this depression? Should I take something for it, or will it pass? I hardly make posts anymore but...sleep was something I could not obtain for over a year. Look up sleep hypnagogia and it should give you some insight. I, unfortunately reinstated last week in protracted withdrawal and I sleep 7-8 hrs again though it isn't always a straight ride. I was on 4 mgs A for 10 yrs and 21 months fighting this syndrome until I could not afford to do it anymore...a taper again is in my future but I cannot function and keep myself going without sleep (NO WAY).

 

Robb

 

There is a daily cycle to this - bad in the morning, better in the evening. But lately it's been lasting well into the afternoon. I have to admit, I'm scared of what's happening and how much worse it might get. I think this morning was about as bad as I can take.

 

I'm sorry about this. I know there are people looking to me for encouragement. All I can say is, don't worry. What happens to me won't necessarily happen to you. But I have to talk to someone about this, and the people in my life don't seem to want to hear any more about it.

 

I'd really like to hear from anyone who's gone through this and got through it.

 

Evan

I hardly make posts anymore but...sleep was something I could not obtain for over a year. Look up sleep hypnagogia and it should give you some insight. I, unfortunately reinstated last week in protracted withdrawal and I sleep 7-8 hrs again though it isn't always a straight ride. I was on 4 mgs A for 10 yrs and 21 months fighting this syndrome until I could not afford to do it anymore...a taper again is in my future but I cannot function and keep myself going without sleep (NO WAY).

 

Robb

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Evan, I'm sorry to hear that your having such a rough time. Don't feel bad about posting for that is the first thing I do when I'm in a rough place. I can so relate to the intrusive memories, regret, etc but with me, I don't have feel guilty as I more or less think I'm right about everything when I get going. I hear you talking about your morning cut of coffee and it's one thing that I can't do as it makes me worse. I had a cup of chamomile tea last night before bed time and it seemed to improve my rest. I take 75 mg Trazadone but have been taking it since years so believe that it keeps me sleeping but I've had my nights of not doing so.

You are describing benzo withdrawl and I'm sure that it will get better but if you need to take something for your depression then don't be ashamed to do so.

 

Frannie

[[Bi...]]

Evan,

 

I'll tell you how my mornings are. I have adrenalin so bad; I literally feel it go through my body. I can't eat as soon as I get up, it feels as though someone hit me in the stomach. I have vertigo; feels like the room is spiraling. I take deep breaths, as I really need too.  Why my O2 is 99. Body vibrations, derealization, and sometimes, on and on and on and on. As far as the memories and regret, yes, I can see that. Understand that our emotions and everything external is amplified. My symptoms' (Plural) do last into the evenings sometimes. I am not close to healed, but some things have got better. As far as mornings; they're like being in a hole, and it's greased! Sometimes, nothing makes sense, it's like being in a Salvador Dali clock melting clocks Painting.

 

Hang in there,

 

Billy.

[[Ro...]]

Redevan,

I've been going through exactly what you are describing!  HOWEVER, today is a good day!!!!  I have been posting things like yours for the last two weeks or so in a complete meltdown about guilt and shame and regret.  I felt like I didn't deserve my husband or to be happy.  I couldn't snap out of it and yesterday was the worst...it started when I woke up and lasted well into the evening.  I felt nauseous all day.  Buuuuut today is good finally!!  I don't wanna get too excited but I have been feeling awful for a few weeks and waiting for some relief.  Yours will come soon!!  It has to...that's just the way it works 

[[re...]]

Hey Rose, I just read your reply for the first time. Hope you're feeling better.

Evan

[[sp...]]

"I'm tormented by bad memories and terrible regret."

 

I remember reading in Ashton's manual that while you're on benzos, your memory suffers.  And of course your emotions may be blunted.  Once off, she says, that your forgotten memories will surface and you will grieve and feel all the emotions you've been locked away from.  This is a good thing.  Do you think this is what it is or is it purely , 100%, from the meds and the w/d process and nothing to do with feeling all the stuff you've had to stuff down while on benzos?  I need to know this for myself!!!!

 

Any insight from anybody?!

[[Bi...]]

"I'm tormented by bad memories and terrible regret."

 

I remember reading in Ashton's manual that while you're on benzos, your memory suffers.  And of course your emotions may be blunted.  Once off, she says, that your forgotten memories will surface and you will grieve and feel all the emotions you've been locked away from.  This is a good thing.  Do you think this is what it is or is it purely , 100%, from the meds and the w/d process and nothing to do with feeling all the stuff you've had to stuff down while on benzos?  I need to know this for myself!!!!

 

Any insight from anybody?!

 

I have grieved over the Pre-Benzo days, now I'm grieving over the things during the Benzo. It all comes back. This has been going on since last year for me. I guess it's better for it to come back than not, I don't know. I just take it one day at a time.

 

Hang in there,

Billy.