I feel changed for the worse. How can I have hope of it all being good again?

[[...]]

How can I have hope when I feel I'll never be my old self. I'm still can't be coninved all the pain will go away, but even once it does I feel like my mind won't know how to be part of this world anymore. I feel like I haven't lived in months and don't know how I'll ever be that care free, fun, loving person ever again. I feel like I'll be completely disconnected and question the goodness of everything for the rest of my life. Never able to just enjoy life for every moment it gives me and live in the moment without worries like I always did before. It's gone now, how does it ever come back? I guess when you're in this state, you forget what normal feels like, so you don't see how you'll ever get it back. I would have never guessed I could feel the way I do now either. I just don't see how I'll know I'm healed if I keep feeling this way. Even after the physical and mental agony leaves, how will we be happy again?

[[sp...]]

I think that it could help you a lot to look at the words you're using to explain your emotions to yourself, and try to change them. To show you what I mean:

How can I have hope when I feel I'll never be my old self.

Asking yourself this is starting with two big negatives. Saying "How can I have hope" is telling yourself that you need something which you do not already have. Saying "I feel I'll never be my old self" is reinforcing your belief that you have done long-term harm to yourself. These are natural fears to have in withdrawal and recovery, but when you find yourself thinking this thought, try instead thinking "I do have hope that my recovery will lead me back to happiness".

 

I'm still can't be coninved all the pain will go away,

You're setting up a negative, absolute here. If you can't be convinced of something, then you never will be. Again, this is a normal thought to be having right now, but when it bubbles up to the surface of your mind instead tell yourself "I am open to the idea that I will recover."

 

It's gone now, how does it ever come back? I guess when you're in this state, you forget what normal feels like, so you don't see how you'll ever get it back. I would have never guessed I could feel the way I do now either

This is a less negative thought. On the one hand, you're still asking yourself a question that you don't have an answer to ("How can I..."), but you are also admitting that your current situation was not predictable, either. A more positive thought could be "the way I feel now was not predictable in the past, and so the way I'll feel in the future is not predictable now. I will recover."

 

I know this may sound cheesy and useless, but if you can learn to have these little dialogs with yourself, over time, it can help a lot. "Fake it until you make it", as they say. At first when you tell yourself the positive things, you may believe the negative statement 99.5% and the positive only 0.5%, but with repetition these numbers can gradually shift. The emotions you are feeling are real, and very difficult to manage, but you are a much stronger person than you're giving yourself credit from, I know that from the little bits of hope I see scattered in your posts.

 

You CAN get through this and you CAN feel better, but the only person who can make it happen is you. 

 

[[re...]]

Coop what I think I  hear you communicating is the need for reassurance.

You WILL get your old self back. The trailblazers before us say it comes back and THEN some! They say life is sweeter after you get through withdrawal. It just takes a very long time. Years sometimes. But we do bounce back eventually.

 

When you are in the thick of it, it is very hard to think positively. Our brains are so scrambled we dont think logically and I agree in theory with the post above, but I also so how hard it is to say, let alone believe, the positive self talk. But that will change when your brain heals more.

 

I know this is hard. But you just push forward and hold on.

 

I dont think you are "doing this" to yourself. I think you are in the thick of wd and it is a scary, hard place to be.

We are here for you. Hang in there. It will  get better.

Has ANYTHING gotten better to date?

[[...]]

I'll keep working on it, Spengler. It's just so hard when I'm this far gone.

 

Hi,RFB. I'm sleeping every night for about 6 hours and my head seems to have cleared up the tiniest bit. So I can watch Tv sometimes now and read better. But it still gets horrible sometimes and I still have intense derealizatiok, fog, memory and weird head problems. But more symptoms have come they make me feel so much worse. I have the physical uncomfortable stuff all over now. My body feels like it needs to sweat but can't. I get burning, aching uncomfortable feeling that is unbearable. It's worst in my arms and shoulders. And then sometimes in my arms, legs, and feet I get the stinging pains and needles.

 

It all makes me feel like I have a damaged central nervous system. Sometimes are easier than others but it never goes away. When it's bothering me bad, I just suffer so much a d just have to take it and take it and take it. I feel damaged, so the fear and negative thinking are just a part of all that.

 

[[re...]]

I understand. But it will get better. I have the burning skin, tingles, head stuff, neck pain, etc.. I have never had a day off from it. But it DOES go away. The old timers assure us of that.

 

Hang in there ok?

One day at a time. Maybe keeping a calendar to post your progress will help.

 

 

[[pa...]]

Hi, how did your docs appt go today?  Coop, I know first hand how a awful these sensations are, but they are all wds.  They are unnatural sensations, right?  That,s why they are difficult to deal with.  I had all the symptoms you explain, of course I was terrified also.  But then I had to try to find a way to fight through this.  I kept telling myself I did not have any of this prior, that is where I found my fight.  Each and every person who has been on these drugs, while tapering off them and got off them have suffered with these and other wd symptoms.  They,re awful, but, each person has to find tools to help themselves go through it.  Whether that is learning deep breathing to help the CNS, meditation for relaxing, self talk with mantras, singing the same song over and over again, just something to start with.  When one begins, in small steps with something.. It begins helping.  It helps you begin controlling your response to the symptoms, to not escalate the symptoms with the added stress from the anxiety that occurs.  This is where the challenge is at, that each person has to find and apply.  It's small steps to begin with, then the become bigger steps, but you ave to begin and start that.  The intrusive thoughts are tough, that is wd, but that,s where the self talk comes in.  Not trying to preach, I just understand first hand going through it, experiencing it now with my husband and bring on this site over 1.5 years.  Let us all know how the doc appt went; I hope good.  You are NOT damaged, you will heal.  Hugs, pattylu

[[le...]]

Hi all.....I never thought I would ever say this but I feel like an old timer.  I will reach my one year mark on March 3rd.  My last dose of K.  The past year has been hell.  I have a list of about 150 w/d symptoms and I had at least 100 of them.  I never had a day that I didn't have symptoms.  Keeping a journal of my journey has been therapeutic in its own way.  When I look back at the first months I can fully appreciate how bad off I was and how far I have come.

 

I can now say that I am beginning to feel normal....maybe a new normal but more normal than I have in 18 months.  I still have some short term memory issues but I think that is getting better too.

 

I just want to thank everyone on this site for all the help, inspiration and encouragement.  I honestly did not think I would make it.  This website is the BEST! 

 

Pressing on......looking at the prize......eyes wide open and ready to jump into being myself again.  :yippee:

 

Benzo buddies.....keep on hanging in there.  It does get better!

[[el...]]

Hi Coop -

 

I guess it is time for some of the old timers to speak up.

 

I know exactly the feeling behind what you said, “Even after the physical and mental agony leaves, how will we be happy again?”

 

I had that same question day after day after day for month after month. It seemed completely beyond imagination that I would ever feel good - that my brain would even remember what “feeling good” was. I would think about the 40 years of boozing and the countless blackouts from the booze and the 13 years of Klonopin use. I thought my brain was fried beyond repair. I felt doomed. But that was not true at all.

 

My brain is actually healing just fine. Believe it or not, one of the very first mental sx to leave was the black depression - including the complete inability to be happy again, to laugh, to joke, to enjoy life. Once that left, it made the other remaining sx MUCH easier to deal with. The inability to be happy is actually part of the “mental agony” you mention. They heal together. I know that is hard to believe in the midst of the misery - it seems impossible.

 

Our brains are remarkably resilient and can obviously heal from damage caused by severe chemical abuse. I would like to say that I was able to pull myself up and out of the pit with positive self-talk and “happy thoughts.” But, I had no concept of what happy was - no recollection whatsoever. The truth of the matter is, my brain literally had to heal enough so that I had something to grab onto and could then start pulling myself further out of the pit. The healing just happens on its own. No amount of therapy will accelerate it. That’s just benzo w/d. That’s why this is so hard.

 

It’s a long battle. But it is a winnable battle. I had nearly given up early in the struggle, but now the beast is on the run.  Hang on. The beast will give up eventually.

 

eli 

 

[[co...]]

Hi pattylu, as far as the neurologist appointment, it went as well as could be expected. They said although uncommon, they've seen this reaction in benzos and some ssri's so they took blood and will run head scans with and without contrast next week.  They don't work with disability benefits but they gave us a copy of the assessment today to give to his work. Thank you for asking. I wish it could give him some relief. They even quoted time is the best medicine.  Just have to keep playing the waiting game....Still planning on being off at the end of the month

[[pa...]]

Hi pattylu, as far as the neurologist appointment, it went as well as could be expected. They said although uncommon, they've seen this reaction in benzos and some ssri's so they took blood and will run head scans with and without contrast next week.  They don't work with disability benefits but they gave us a copy of the assessment today to give to his work. Thank you for asking. I wish it could give him some relief. They even quoted time is the best medicine.  Just have to keep playing the waiting game....Still planning on being off at the end of the month

 

Well, as you both know it is COMMON, you both are aware and understand this.  That,s good they are going to do some tests.  Yes time is the best, glad coop will be off at the end of the month.  Tanks for letting me know, Pattylu