Dragged into the past, intrusive thoughts, hopelessness

[[ab...]]

Sorry this is just a bit of a vent to get this out of my head and see if others experience anything similar.

I'm now around 13 months post jump from 6-8mg Clonazepam. Around 6 months ago I reinstated to 0.125mg a night, which I'm trying to wean off now.

I am getting constant memories and thoughts of the past, a previous relationship that I ended. It's been relentless for months now. There is no benefit to it at all. My ex is now married and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. It's like I can't keep the barriers between parts of my brain up, or have no willpower to resist these thoughts. I am spiraling hundred of times a day. 

The only reprieve I get is when my brain decides to fixate on self hatred of how I look. Ive lost hair, I looks exhausted, my eyes burn, I look hagged...being around others in social settings is so hard because these thoughts go up to 100...like someone inside my head yelling at me that I should be ashamed of how bad I look...

I have a loving partner, but I'm just unable to connect with her and just have awful mean thoughts that she isn't right or good enough. 

I'm trapped in this loop of hating myself, pushing away others and being obsessed with past decisions. That I've totally messed up my life. 

Right now it just feels like there's no escape. 

Sorry for the bleak post. I keep reminding myself to be patient, I have a tiny sliver of hope that one day things will be better and I'll get out of this dark place.

I'm doing all the right things I think. No alcohol, minimal caffeine, therapy, self-paced courses, still trying to connect with friends and family, eating healthily, regular exercise, sleep as much as I can...

Sending love to all, I hope we all escape this hell one day...

[[Th...]]

Sounds like you are experiencing "tolerance withdrawal symptoms?"  That's when the dose you are currently on is no longer effective, but you are having WD symptoms.  I doubt .125 is doing anything for you, especially since you were up to 6-8mg at one time.

I personally would have added something non-Benzo at night for sleep.  There really isn't such a thing as a "low dose" of a Benzo.  No matter what dose you're on, Benzos still down-regulate and damage or destroy GABA receptors and cause WD symptoms.

Intrusive thoughts are a fairly common Benzo WD symptom.  I had them too and while I was still on Benzos and after I jumped CT (not recommended).  They eventually go away. 

I would definitely taper off the Benzo you are still on and avoid caffeine and alcohol completely.  It's only after Benzos are completely out of your system that healing and recovery truly begin.

Peace! 

 

Edited January 7 by [Th...]

[[ab...]]

14 hours ago, [[T...] said:

Sounds like you are experiencing "tolerance withdrawal symptoms?"  That's when the dose you are currently on is no longer effective, but you are having WD symptoms.  I doubt .125 is doing anything for you, especially since you were up to 6-8mg at one time.

I personally would have added something non-Benzo at night for sleep.  There really isn't such a thing as a "low dose" of a Benzo.  No matter what dose you're on, Benzos still down-regulate and damage or destroy GABA receptors and cause WD symptoms.

Intrusive thoughts are a fairly common Benzo WD symptom.  I had them too and while I was still on Benzos and after I jumped CT (not recommended).  They eventually go away. 

I would definitely taper off the Benzo you are still on and avoid caffeine and alcohol completely.  It's only after Benzos are completely out of your system that healing and recovery truly begin.

Peace! 

Thanks @[Th...]. I really appreciate your reply and kind words of support.

You've really motivated me to get off the last bit of benzos completely. I've ordered a jewelry scale so I can shave down small enough amounts.

[[Th...]]

How I was able to deal with intrusive thoughts:

I imagined the thoughts were happening to someone else (even though I knew they were happening to me).  I was on the "outside" looking "in."  I was "observing" those intrusive thoughts as if they were not mine.  I was just observing them.  They couldn't hurt me.

It didn't make them go away, it just made it a lot easier to deal with them until they gradually faded and ended.  I'm not saying it's easy, it wasn't.  The intrusive thoughts still got the better of me from time-to-time.

Give it a try.  What do you have to lose?

Hang in there, the days that you will be in WD are numbered.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and crossing the "finish line" is so worth.

Peace.

[[ab...]]

14 hours ago, [[T...] said:

How I was able to deal with intrusive thoughts:

I imagined the thoughts were happening to someone else (even though I knew they were happening to me).  I was on the "outside" looking "in."  I was "observing" those intrusive thoughts as if they were not mine.  I was just observing them.  They couldn't hurt me.

It didn't make them go away, it just made it a lot easier to deal with them until they gradually faded and ended.  I'm not saying it's easy, it wasn't.  The intrusive thoughts still got the better of me from time-to-time.

Give it a try.  What do you have to lose?

Hang in there, the days that you will be in WD are numbered.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and crossing the "finish line" is so worth.

Peace.

Thanks so much @[Th...], I'll give that method a go. 

You're a good person and I appreciate you sharing hope in this trying time.