Through the flames and Back

[[Ne...]]

Hello All,

 

   I'd like to finally post my success story, even though I still have a ways to go. When I try and use a percentage to describe then versus now I usually say 80-90% depending on the day. I'm officially Benzodiazepine free almost 19 months now. I guess I'll start with the who, what, where, when and why though. Please don't let my agony deny you from achieving your sobriety. Use it as a source of inspiration and achieve your peace.

     It all started in 2019, I was working at a smoke shop. I was the assistant manager, about to become the manager. Let's call this shop Joker's Voice. I started messing with a substance we sold called Kratom for a second time (I quit it a year or two earlier). As I used this substance i began to notice some strange side effects, rapid heart rate, headaches. Panic, Anxiety, etc. I told a new co-worker about it and he recommended a Xanax. He said it was Anxiety and convinced me I developed this recently. I was still in my late 20s and kinda naive so I took his word for it. He also mentioned that he had some. One day, at work I had a Panic attack from the Kratom and he gave me a Xanax. It worked wonderfully and very quickly. He then added that he has a whole slew of them and could sell them to me. I began buying small amounts to help if I had an attack. I took it like a doctor would prescribe. 1mg in the event of an attack. One day I had several attacks and took a higher dose. At one point I thought to myself (I should preemptively take this once a day, to prevent any and all anxiety) and with little information, that's exactly what I did. So once a day, for 4+ years, occasionally having to take a .25 or .50 as my body was becoming dependent and I didn't know it. Until one day, March 2023. He admitted to having something different. He said it is the same and more potent. It was Valium 10mg. He advised me to only take s quarter as they were "stronger" I did. Well, he was terribly wrong. I got to work, sat in the parking lot thinking something was terribly wrong. I spiraled into my own thoughts and quickly had a massive Anxiety and panic attacks. I pulled over having wicked heart palpitations, begging my Fiancé and friends to come get me. None of them could.  I took an entire Valium and tried breathing, eventually got myself home. I called my job and told them I was sick, I started thinking and came to it must be this Valium. After tons of research I learned it was only like .25% the strength of xanax 1mg. I did more research and discovered i was heavily addicted and needed an out. I called a bunch of help lines and they told me to go to the hospital. I had made my mind up. I want off of this terrible substance, I wanted off of the kratom as well.

      I put myself into a detox Hospital wing. They asked what I was taking, how often, etc. They weened me off in 3 days. Terrible, not sure how they are able to get away with that. Offered me Suboxen for the Kratom. I refused and said I don't want yet another addition to my addiction catalog. It was grueling. I slept all three days as much as possible, they kept checking me over. Blood work, not giving me the food I requested. They even got mad when I stopped filling out the food sheet. I exclaimed " There is no point, clearly you have me on a diet of sorts and won't give me what I ask for." Wouldn't let anyone see me, let me contact them. It was necessary though. I may have given up. After the three days they dismissed me with a myriad of medications and vitamins. Even gave me Narcan (not sure why). The long walk to the car was agonizing, my girl had to hold me up half the walk. The world kept shifting. My legs week and unable to bear my weight. We grabbed lots of pedialite, Gatorade, etc. I lost like 20 pounds from not eating. I couldn't see straight, had a headache from hell. Crushing pain in the front of my skull, wicked heart palpitations, the slightest sound or flash of light would set off extreme panic and anxiety. Any sensory stimulant like light, sound. Music  Noise, touch would be agonizing. No sex for like 3 months. No sustainability during it. The dizziness was the worst, I still have extremely tiny bouts here and there. An occasional palpitation. But far less often then 18 months ago. Every symptom that people list, I had it. Memory problems, insomnia, etc. The worst was memory, palpitations, dizziness and anxiety. They were so strong for so long. I stayed on my couch for 2 whole months, finding solace laying on my back, watching anime and Bob's burgers, at an extremely low volume. I basically put myself in a hyperbolic chamber free from stimulus. I can't truly express how miserable I was and obviously my thoughts are scattered on the matter, I don't truly recollect a lot during this time. That being said. I've learned from all the fine people here that this is expected and normal. I look at the pain and suffering as a method to prevent me from relapsing and as a constant reminder of how far I've come.

      Now that that's out of the way, let's talk positively. A lot has change since then, for example, music I used to enjoy was a "No Go". I'm a musician and couldn't even play. Now I can blast the heaviest metal and while the thought persists in my mind about the matter, I never succumb to the panic or anxiety anymore. I can drive again, I was terrified before. Another symptom I had was what we call a brain blast or surge. It's like a jolt of excitement or lightning up your spine to your brain. For a brief moment. It's startles you. I can stand for long durations, I work everyday, I clean, I abstain still from caffeine and alcohol. Though I try small amounts of caffeine now. My appetite is back, my sleep still suffers but I use sleep tea and zquil to help. I have a very slight palpitation now occasionally because I just had covid and a tooth infection (antibiotics effect the CNS and can cause a flair in symptoms, covid can cause dizziness and palpitations after as well.) Most days 90% of the time I feel alright or good even. Especially when I occupied my mind. Meditation and mindfulness really helped. Taking it slow, feeling your body and letting it happen helps as well. Take it easy on yourself, Neuroplasticity is no joke, it's like chemically causing brain damage to yourself. You need time to heal. Embrace it, if you felt nothing. You're not healing. Any questions or concerns, I'd be more than happy to help. I'm super thankful to everyone here. Thanks for reading 😁

Edited November 2 by [Ne...]

[[Pa...]]

What an amazing story @[Ne...], thank you so much for sharing it with us!  Your determination and strength leave me in awe, you found your way back to your life, I'm so happy for you. 

Your story shows us that even when we don't get off of the drug the right or suggested way, we can still recover. Thank you again. 

[[je...]]

I am so happy for you! You’ve endured a lot and you made it through!

[[Mo...]]

Thank you so much for posting your succes story here for inspiration ♥️

[[La...]]

@[Ne...] I’m glad to read that you made it through and now doing well. I wish you the best! Thanks for sharing. 

[[er...]]

I'm happy you got a window

[[Ne...]]

@[er...] I think you are correct about it being a window. It felt so real, so natural and close to normality. I guess I more or less wanted it to be true. I suppose it was a longer window. I am getting ing better, slowly, everyday.

[[vo...]]

On 25/11/2024 at 18:00, [[N...] said:

@[er...] I think you are correct about it being a window. It felt so real, so natural and close to normality. I guess I more or less wanted it to be true. I suppose it was a longer window. I am getting ing better, slowly, everyday.

Are you saying at the time of posting you were in a window? Are you no longer in that window?

[[4L...]]

I  @[Ne...]don’t understand did u feel bad again?

[[Pe...]]

@[Ne...] my absolute worst symptom is dizziness. Was this still bad for you at 8 months off? I have other symptoms that got better but this has remained. 

[[er...]]

I'm so sorry for that!!! I didn't mean anything by my comment. And I know exactly how misleading this journey can be. It's the reason why I held back from posting any success stories. I too felt like I was done with this ordeal, only to be at 14 months and feeling worst then I did at 6 months. It's along journey that can be very convincing at both feeling like beat it, or that your dieing.  My advise to you is next time you get a window, enjoy it to fullest and try nit to get to exited. Enjoy it yes, but be prepared to fight if and when it turns It's ugly face again. I don't blame you cause I too thought I was healed, I too was deceived. I hope you feel better. Feel free to send me a message whit any questions about the process if withdrawal. 

[[er...]]

8 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

@[Ne...] my absolute worst symptom is dizziness. Was this still bad for you at 8 months off? I have other symptoms that got better but this has remained. 

Yes dizziness tends to stick around for a while. I remember feeling way better at 8 months. But at 10 months I began to get some really bad stomach issues that I'm still suffering with at 14 months. These last couple of days have been rough, and I'm usually a strong , positive person, but I have been feeling like I need to go check and see if there is something else wrong with me. I know it has to be withdrawal but you feel bad for so long that it starts to mess with your mind alot. I have been dealing with nausa, dizziness, body aches, shirtless of breath , and weakness on my limbs. This process is really tedious to say the least. 

[[Pe...]]

12 minutes ago, [[e...] said:

Yes dizziness tends to stick around for a while. I remember feeling way better at 8 months. But at 10 months I began to get some really bad stomach issues that I'm still suffering with at 14 months. These last couple of days have been rough, and I'm usually a strong , positive person, but I have been feeling like I need to go check and see if there is something else wrong with me. I know it has to be withdrawal but you feel bad for so long that it starts to mess with your mind alot. I have been dealing with nausa, dizziness, body aches, shirtless of breath , and weakness on my limbs. This process is really tedious to say the least. 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Was your dizziness constant, like 24/7? Mine is and it makes it feel so permanent 

[[er...]]

Just now, [[P...] said:

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Was your dizziness constant, like 24/7? Mine is and it makes it feel so permanent 

Yes for a while it was, but it dies down a lot. I will get better for you like it did for me. I get dizzy at times now but nowhere near how it use to be. 

[[Pe...]]

19 minutes ago, [[e...] said:

Yes for a while it was, but it dies down a lot. I will get better for you like it did for me. I get dizzy at times now but nowhere near how it use to be. 

Thank you so much! I hope you continue to see improvements and a full recovery 

[[er...]]

Thank you. You as well!!

[[Sh...]]

I totally understand how you can be deceived by this . I posted a few days ago about how it is so confusing being out of the severe symptoms stage but not close to being normal . you are fine physically but something is wrong , mentally you are a mess most of the times . exhaustion , POTS that leave for 3 weeks to suddenly sneak on you while watching a movie . it is so nerve wracking just sitting there waiting for it to come when you had a week or two of somewhat not so bad symptoms . but having said that I believe that long breaks or long windows mean you are close to the finish line . I am at 14 months next week and although sometimes I feel there is no end to this . but I am positive the time will come very soon to feel like a Homo sapiens again . best of luck brother

 

[[Ne...]]

To answer @[4L...] and @[vo...] yes, it was an extended window. I'm back in the trenches. Today, in fact has been the worst in awhile, i think its a correlation with having covid a month ago, being on antibiotics a few weeks ago and the holiday's. This wave I feel uneasy, dizzy and fatigued. Like super fatigued and its peaking up the cortisol a little bit. Im trying to remain calm and positive but its difficult at work. Im a Manager of an arcade, its black friday and super busy. Im working 10am-8pm and my brain is screaming "Go Home" but we mist not give in to these urges or inclinations. They are a damaged brain trying to cope with a situation we can't control. I must submit and just feel it. Its super uncomfortable but it makes us all stronger mentally. We have to fortify our minds to continue down this path of healing and substance freedom. I could use some encouragement today myself. It's feel so real, so tangible and then it was ripped away a day or too agter I made that post. But steadfast and stay strong, it can't rain all the time.

[[4L...]]

@[Ne...] So sorry for you… i am so far away from getting off 10mg diazepam. Trying a cut this week another .5 and we will see how I do. I don’t have a scale so I am just using 5 and 2 mg  pills and dose 3 times a day with my other pills that are not benzos. Gabapentin propanolol and Zoloft am and pm dose but not mid day. My body is used to getting 3 doses of diazepam wish I could cut to 2 and then 1 but My Dr says no. Ugh. You have company in misery. I feel like i was CT going from 45-12.5 in 5 months. That’s when I took a 5 week break and now just .5 3 weeks if I can handle it. Will be tapering till I’m 75. Too old for this. I’m 66 now and a terrible mother wife and grandparent because I am in a bubble of fear anxiety and taking pills and worrying. Can’t travel and I am trying to avoid PAWS. 😭 Lenore.  Scary to read others stories as it does take away hope for future.  

Edited November 30 by [4L...]

[[Ne...]]

I wouldn't worry too much about PAWS. I did for awhile, now I fear I'm in the throws of it. I'm 19 months CT now and I fear I'm in PAWS now. I sincerely feel your pain. Most Tapers, from what I have read and heard usually steer the afflicted away from that hell. That's the point on tapering versus CT. I was forced into a 3 day Taper/CT from a medical center. That thought I was a junkie of sorts, not a highly functional and dependant addict. It wasn't very pleasant. Im 34 but man does this catch up with you, regardless of age, creed, sex, et cetera. You will make it through this, as I have completed my day. We both will cross the threshold. Freeing ourselves from this metaphorical precipice. Just hang in there, try and remember it's temporary. Our healing continues and I'm here if you need encouragement ♥️ My fiancé helped me through and continues to support me. A lot of my friends and family don't understand, but we do. Just KEEP GOING.

[[Ne...]]

And P.S. I'm sure you're a wonderful Wife/Mother/ and Grandparent. Age is relative and a number. You need to not be so hard on yourself. Try to be positive 🙂 

[[4L...]]

@[Ne...] I have no one that understands. It’s very hard to be positive when you have no interests or motivation  to even get out of bed. I have such outrageous anxiety that I can’t function or remember anything. I just pray I don’t get worse as I taper down like I hear. 
so happy to have found this site but I am also scared to read it. 

[[He...]]

Congrats 🎉 👍 Things will get better from here. Just be careful using zquil. The active ingredient is a first generation antihistamine (diphenhydramine benadryl) and can cross the brain/ blood barrier.

[[Ra...]]

On 02/11/2024 at 17:40, [[N...] said:

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk positively. A lot has change since then, for example, music I used to enjoy was a "No Go". I'm a musician and couldn't even play. Now I can blast the heaviest metal and while the thought persists in my mind about the matter, I never succumb to the panic or anxiety anymore.

I love this part of your message - I'm 38 years clean, so I sometimes catch myself giving what AA used to call a drunk-a-log.  However, I've come to believe that these are useful to people still suffering as a way to identify what can be overcome.  So "Now that that's out the way" made me smile

When I first took Ativan I was about to see Led Zeppelin for the first time - I saw them, I loved Jimmy Page, but I didn't FEEL the concert as I may have otherwise.  I was 'comfortably numb' as Pink Floyd have sung for many years.  Nowadays, I listen to their music with a greater understanding.  I love my 1970s times and was able to see some amazing acts then - far better nowadays to see bands with all my nerves exposed to the elements   It's funny really, as when I saw that amazing guitarist, Jimmy Page was in the grips of a terrible addiction.

We're lucky to have made it through.