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5 years off


[ka...]

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  • Buddie

I am 260 weeks off, that is 5 years:thumbsup: off. I am celebrating me today, woke up grateful this a.m., I will be visiting with family later for October birthdays, I will celebrate my success by celebrating others and keep it simple. I did it, it was not easy, it changed me in profound ways. It affected my life in the most critical of ways, my health was compromised for so long,I couldn't engage but I did keep my career - it was a way to work my brain, while I will still get overwhelmed I am more capable of handling life b.c of this journey. I have been told "NO" many times, I have become ok with the word no. This was a lesson in discipline and what you put in your body. I keep to myself these days , strong boundaries and I speak my truth- sometimes not in the most gentlest of ways. I am alive, I am sober, I have slept. I am mostly healed and I am strong mentally- I will be even better as each day passses, I would not have chose this journey as it claimed parts of my life that I will never get back, time spent healing, but there is no greater feeling than healing and the hard work that comes with it. Healing is truth- it is a universal truth and it will never let you down. There truly were 260 weeks of ineffable, unspeakable suffering. The sleepless nights, the games the brain played on my , the thoughts, the canceling of plans, the journaling of symptoms- relentless, the diet sensitivties, the noises startling, the living in hell with the most intrusive thoughts, someone was carrying me- the divine, an angel. My life was taken and now it is given back. I hope you have had the same experience and have endured to do the hard work that healing requires. I AM BETTER FOR IT. TOday, I work full time I lead a full life * with boundaries* I say "NO". I am enrolled in classes to work my brain, I learn I read, I eat, I rest, I warm my body she is home - a temple. I grow outward from how stable I am inward and that is a gift I cannot teach anyone, you must live it, I appreciate the slow, the nothing, the time and patience and perseverance it takes to get goals done, I spend money more freely, I hope to give more freely in the future,I am a whole person. I am fertile-alive! I have hopes, dreams and goals and loved ones. I am an aunt, sister, teacher, daughter, niece, coworker. My hair is healthy so is my skin. My body loves me and I love her back. YOU WILL GET THERE TOO.

Thanks for reading. This is plenty.

-from a very healed and healing

love Kanoba 

 

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5 hours ago, [[k...] said:
  • Buddie

I am 260 weeks off, that is 5 years:thumbsup: off. I am celebrating me today, woke up grateful this a.m., I will be visiting with family later for October birthdays, I will celebrate my success by celebrating others and keep it simple. I did it, it was not easy, it changed me in profound ways. It affected my life in the most critical of ways, my health was compromised for so long,I couldn't engage but I did keep my career - it was a way to work my brain, while I will still get overwhelmed I am more capable of handling life b.c of this journey. I have been told "NO" many times, I have become ok with the word no. This was a lesson in discipline and what you put in your body. I keep to myself these days , strong boundaries and I speak my truth- sometimes not in the most gentlest of ways. I am alive, I am sober, I have slept. I am mostly healed and I am strong mentally- I will be even better as each day passses, I would not have chose this journey as it claimed parts of my life that I will never get back, time spent healing, but there is no greater feeling than healing and the hard work that comes with it. Healing is truth- it is a universal truth and it will never let you down. There truly were 260 weeks of ineffable, unspeakable suffering. The sleepless nights, the games the brain played on my , the thoughts, the canceling of plans, the journaling of symptoms- relentless, the diet sensitivties, the noises startling, the living in hell with the most intrusive thoughts, someone was carrying me- the divine, an angel. My life was taken and now it is given back. I hope you have had the same experience and have endured to do the hard work that healing requires. I AM BETTER FOR IT. TOday, I work full time I lead a full life * with boundaries* I say "NO". I am enrolled in classes to work my brain, I learn I read, I eat, I rest, I warm my body she is home - a temple. I grow outward from how stable I am inward and that is a gift I cannot teach anyone, you must live it, I appreciate the slow, the nothing, the time and patience and perseverance it takes to get goals done, I spend money more freely, I hope to give more freely in the future,I am a whole person. I am fertile-alive! I have hopes, dreams and goals and loved ones. I am an aunt, sister, teacher, daughter, niece, coworker. My hair is healthy so is my skin. My body loves me and I love her back. YOU WILL GET THERE TOO.

Thanks for reading. This is plenty.

-from a very healed and healing

love Kanoba 

How long did it take for you to hit a turning point? Did the intrusive thoughts go away? Did you suffer from anhedonia and a lack of motivation during recovery?

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Early on I turned a corner, night one was tinnitus like an elephant sound in my ear I didn't know what it was. I would drive to work (29 miles one way) on zero sleep and the thoughts of harming others would be with in my alone time. The nights I did not sleep I was grateful for commuting and work b.c it made the day go by, I would always sleep the next night so it was a bridge to get me from the toxic morning on zero sleep to the 3pm mark. I worked at religious school and would go to the chapel where a tiny beam a light shining through gave me hope. 

 

I did not have anhedonia but the lack of motivation was from lack of sleep.

 

Hang in there, distract, lean on others, do nothing if you can , sit in a black calming room and repeat a mantra to keep you alive for the next moment. 

 

I am nothing special and I made it,  I gained a lot of coping tools and I am tough now.

 

-kanoba

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What an amazing story, from an amazing person, thank you @[ka...] for writing your success story.  5 years, oh my gosh, I can't imagine suffering this for that long, but you made it and I can see your strength, I can hear your wisdom and I can feel your determination going forward.

Congratulations on making it through, you deserve happily ever after. :smitten:

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thank you @[Pa...] you were the first to welcome me to the forum, I remember the reply so vividly being seen by a survivor that was a step I needed to start a chain of healing that has carried me.

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Perhaps the best part of this all is that the pieces of me that needed work are fixing. I am confident, I carry myself with ease and trust b.c I have been through it. I converse (and not nervously) I TRUST. I move with convicition through my days- knowing my next step. I nourish my body, I revel in the slow, I wait. The angst is gone- into ether, I drive slowly, I walk and move with grace. I crack jokes and make conversation. I try to reign it in when needed. I am awake. I have energy but I strive for stamina. I make decisions independently and I call on my spirit guides to inform my life. I am taken care of by the universe. I changed jobs and the transition was smooth. I am lucky and blessed beyond, I still have wants but I time them more appropriately. I honor the masculine and feminine energies of my life. My body is my wisdom. 

Onward,

 

-kanoba

Edited by [ka...]
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On 30/10/2024 at 22:11, [[k...] said:
  • Buddie

I am 260 weeks off, that is 5 years:thumbsup: off. I am celebrating me today, woke up grateful this a.m., I will be visiting with family later for October birthdays, I will celebrate my success by celebrating others and keep it simple. I did it, it was not easy, it changed me in profound ways. It affected my life in the most critical of ways, my health was compromised for so long,I couldn't engage but I did keep my career - it was a way to work my brain, while I will still get overwhelmed I am more capable of handling life b.c of this journey. I have been told "NO" many times, I have become ok with the word no. This was a lesson in discipline and what you put in your body. I keep to myself these days , strong boundaries and I speak my truth- sometimes not in the most gentlest of ways. I am alive, I am sober, I have slept. I am mostly healed and I am strong mentally- I will be even better as each day passses, I would not have chose this journey as it claimed parts of my life that I will never get back, time spent healing, but there is no greater feeling than healing and the hard work that comes with it. Healing is truth- it is a universal truth and it will never let you down. There truly were 260 weeks of ineffable, unspeakable suffering. The sleepless nights, the games the brain played on my , the thoughts, the canceling of plans, the journaling of symptoms- relentless, the diet sensitivties, the noises startling, the living in hell with the most intrusive thoughts, someone was carrying me- the divine, an angel. My life was taken and now it is given back. I hope you have had the same experience and have endured to do the hard work that healing requires. I AM BETTER FOR IT. TOday, I work full time I lead a full life * with boundaries* I say "NO". I am enrolled in classes to work my brain, I learn I read, I eat, I rest, I warm my body she is home - a temple. I grow outward from how stable I am inward and that is a gift I cannot teach anyone, you must live it, I appreciate the slow, the nothing, the time and patience and perseverance it takes to get goals done, I spend money more freely, I hope to give more freely in the future,I am a whole person. I am fertile-alive! I have hopes, dreams and goals and loved ones. I am an aunt, sister, teacher, daughter, niece, coworker. My hair is healthy so is my skin. My body loves me and I love her back. YOU WILL GET THERE TOO.

Thanks for reading. This is plenty.

-from a very healed and healing

love Kanoba 

Love this

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Wow, beautiful story of healing!  You are such a gift to the world and this community and your words and the way you live your life now are inspirational.

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