The Mind and Me - an Open letter

[[El...]]

Hello again. I am on fire creatively speaking lately, apparently, and it feels wonderful - also incredibly overwhelming. This is something I just wrote which was to help my never ending thoughts and the heavy and dense feelings in my body. I felt like saying "this is impossible, you are impossible" and I wondered who was the "you" I was referring to. I realized it must be my mind and I started writing something to start to mend my relationship with it. 

I hope this might help some of you who might also be feeling like telling themselves, inwardly, to fuck off. It's prose poetry I guess, I don't want to label it. It's an open letter and a cry from my heart that might resonate. Hope you enjoy:

THE MIND AND ME 

You expect me to be shaped in a way that isn’t possible. To be adaptable, flexible enough to dodge the fists and knives but still to be a joy to be around; to be the rock beneath us when the ground shakes. You expect me to hold you up, to keep you fighting even when our battles are so old and gone; they are only the soot and dust around our sparks. You demand of me to prove that I love you; every day, all day, I am the reason you breathe, I am the reason you laugh, I am the reason you feel love in the first place.
You expect me not to care so much about what people think but I care only about what they feel! And at the same time you need me to close on demand, to make hurt impossible.

You. You are impossible. 

You want me to be perfect even though you know there is no such thing. You want me to sound different even though our voice is a song. You want me to bend over backwards for others to see us and hear us and understand us and connect us and love us, but you resist when I say that there is no need to bow, there is no need to get fucked, no need to be polite or to be pleasant, no need to beg for forgiveness, no need to hold our breath, no need to be silent anymore because all we need is to follow the love. But you don’t believe me; you think this simplistic and naïve and that is what you do best - to think - but you are ignorant about how to feel. You expect me to feel this and feel that, to make it all disappear, to fix it and change it, to transform it, to go forward, always forward, even though you know, by now, that there ever only is the Moment.
 
You want me to let you rest but you refuse to lie down, you want to let go of your armor and sword but you cling to it like a last shield, like it defines us to be hard and rough and tough. It only defines what happened to us: it was hard and rough and tough and we are so much more.
You want to let me take over the reins of this wild horse we ride but you cling to them with your bloodied hands, asking over and over again if it is safe to let go. You ask me to show you a different path, a different way, a different life and when I do, you pace backwards, clench your fists, jaw set, ready to fight yet another inexistent battle. 
You forget there is no longer any screams, no longer any harm, no longer any blades, no longer any mud, no longer any holes to jump into. You forgot I am here, have always been here, and will always be here. You resent me for feeling so much and you ask me: ‘not so much’ but when you feel no longer, you scream: ‘why am I so numb!’
You are unbelievably infuriating. You are the child who had to grow out of a shell, the maiden who forgot what it means to play, you are the layers of sand and stone that tried to shape us. 
You are the mind and you are afraid. 
And I forgive you.

 

 

<3

 

 

[[Ta...]]

On 06/10/2024 at 07:58, [[E...] said:

Hello again. I am on fire creatively speaking lately, apparently, and it feels wonderful - also incredibly overwhelming. This is something I just wrote which was to help my never ending thoughts and the heavy and dense feelings in my body. I felt like saying "this is impossible, you are impossible" and I wondered who was the "you" I was referring to. I realized it must be my mind and I started writing something to start to mend my relationship with it. 

I hope this might help some of you who might also be feeling like telling themselves, inwardly, to fuck off. It's prose poetry I guess, I don't want to label it. It's an open letter and a cry from my heart that might resonate. Hope you enjoy:

THE MIND AND ME 

You expect me to be shaped in a way that isn’t possible. To be adaptable, flexible enough to dodge the fists and knives but still to be a joy to be around; to be the rock beneath us when the ground shakes. You expect me to hold you up, to keep you fighting even when our battles are so old and gone; they are only the soot and dust around our sparks. You demand of me to prove that I love you; every day, all day, I am the reason you breathe, I am the reason you laugh, I am the reason you feel love in the first place.
You expect me not to care so much about what people think but I care only about what they feel! And at the same time you need me to close on demand, to make hurt impossible.

You. You are impossible. 

You want me to be perfect even though you know there is no such thing. You want me to sound different even though our voice is a song. You want me to bend over backwards for others to see us and hear us and understand us and connect us and love us, but you resist when I say that there is no need to bow, there is no need to get fucked, no need to be polite or to be pleasant, no need to beg for forgiveness, no need to hold our breath, no need to be silent anymore because all we need is to follow the love. But you don’t believe me; you think this simplistic and naïve and that is what you do best - to think - but you are ignorant about how to feel. You expect me to feel this and feel that, to make it all disappear, to fix it and change it, to transform it, to go forward, always forward, even though you know, by now, that there ever only is the Moment.
 
You want me to let you rest but you refuse to lie down, you want to let go of your armor and sword but you cling to it like a last shield, like it defines us to be hard and rough and tough. It only defines what happened to us: it was hard and rough and tough and we are so much more.
You want to let me take over the reins of this wild horse we ride but you cling to them with your bloodied hands, asking over and over again if it is safe to let go. You ask me to show you a different path, a different way, a different life and when I do, you pace backwards, clench your fists, jaw set, ready to fight yet another inexistent battle. 
You forget there is no longer any screams, no longer any harm, no longer any blades, no longer any mud, no longer any holes to jump into. You forgot I am here, have always been here, and will always be here. You resent me for feeling so much and you ask me: ‘not so much’ but when you feel no longer, you scream: ‘why am I so numb!’
You are unbelievably infuriating. You are the child who had to grow out of a shell, the maiden who forgot what it means to play, you are the layers of sand and stone that tried to shape us. 
You are the mind and you are afraid. 
And I forgive you.

<3

I appreciate very much the artist in you, and your gift of expression. Sounds like there's a great deal of anger turned inward. It will be most interesting to see how your amazing gifts unfold as you move along in the process of recovery.

Sending love 💕 

Eileen

[[Kr...]]

Yes, you are a breath of fresh air @[El...].

most people bore me, not you. Thanks for being you!!

[[El...]]

18 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I appreciate very much the artist in you, and your gift of expression. Sounds like there's a great deal of anger turned inward. It will be most interesting to see how your amazing gifts unfold as you move along in the process of recovery.

Sending love 💕 

Eileen

Oh thank you so much for this message. I am so glad when my work, my words mean something to people. And I'm very grateful that my recovery isn't just a long and painful process but an evolving and shapeshifting gift. Thank you for your kind words. 

[[El...]]

11 hours ago, [[K...] said:

Yes, you are a breath of fresh air @[El...].

most people bore me, not you. Thanks for being you!!

I have no words here, and they're not needed. 

Thank you, merci, Obrigada, gracias, grazie, danke... and all the languages I do not know and those without words 🍁

Edited October 13, 2024 by [El...]