Lorazepam to Valium

[[mo...]]

On 29/11/2024 at 19:15, [[P...] said:

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom @[mo...], I've visited a friend when they had to go to memory care and its not good, they deal with a lot of fear and confusion and its heartbreaking.

I've been thinking about your husband and I hope you won't be offended but do you ask for reassurance, do you introduce the doubt in your relationship?  I just wonder if he's not so much exhausted by what you're going through but by having to reassure you?  I was in a relationship many years ago with someone who was very insecure and its what drove us apart.  I hope I haven't overstepped but if this is what is going on, I'm not sure how you can fix it when this process turns us into these puddles of paranoia and insecurity but thought I'd mention it.

How are you feeling now, did you catch a break?  Sorry I haven't been around, my little pug got spayed this week and I took a couple of days to tend to her. 

I ask for the same reassurances constantly. He told me yesterday that it is stressful for him as it makes him think I'm doubting his word. But he also said he feels I'm doing so much better and am continuing to get better. He said to think back to when I wouldn't leave the bed or eat. I cried all day. Then, it wouldn't leave the couch if I did get up and he had to sit and hold me all day. I am more productive and doing a lot of things on my own. It's just the constant anxiety and this stupid tremor. I'm so over it. The panic attacks aren't happening as often either which is good. But the anxiety starts from the moment I get up and builds from there.

Haven't caught the break I'd like to catch. But the additional stress of an official diagnosis of dementia for my mom and knowing she can never go home again is killing me. She is in a nursing home/rehab facility right now that is horrible she said and my sister actually visited and agreed. The nursing home residents are mixed in with the rehab patients and the building stinks and people sitting around in their geriatric chairs in the hallways sleeping or crying or drooling. We are going up Monday through Saturday to take care of her pups and visit. She won't eat as everything tastes bad to her and isn't drinking. This woman who just 2 months ago was walking 10,000 - 15,000 steps a day, keeping up a house and 3 acres, and very independent despite some memory issues. Those issues have become so much worse so quickly. She has been a best friend as well as mother my whole life and now I'm dying inside as she thinks she will be back home soon.

We held the last cut of .5 ml for 18 days through Thanksgiving. Today is day 1 of another .5 ml cut going from 8.5 to 8. Kiddos went home yesterday so thought it was time. Honestly, I haven't felt much in the way of symptoms except anxiety which seems to be coming more from the pituitary tumor affecting my hormones so they are imbalanced, the stress of the nerve pain from the surgery Nov last year, and my mom's situation. I have also finally gotten off the buspirone which was only taking a low dose of 10 mg a day so that tapering was easy. 

I'm sorry I've been out of the loop responding. I haven't felt much like talking to people and am stressing about being at my mom's house and seeing her. My mom only has full size beds to sleep in and Pete cuddles up to me every night until I fall asleep which can't happen as he rolls around a lot with his back and neck injuries from his deployments. We have a king size bed. Plus, her one pup has medical issues that require meds 3 times a day. So, it's going to be a hard 6 days. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go. 

[[mo...]]

On 29/11/2024 at 19:19, [[4...] said:

@[Pa...] @[mo...] i can relate to this. I feel like I. Have such issues with my husband and I have ruined his life too. 

I'm so sorry! My husband is remaining strong and very supportive for me but I see how this is wearing him down. Hugs!

[[mo...]]

@[Pa...] @[Ro...]

What is 8 ml of Valium = to in ativan? Am I correct, it is .8 mg of ativan? If I'm not really having any symptoms other than anxiety, tremors and occasional panic attacks, I'm doing pretty well right? The depression is definitely still there and strong from the valium but think I'm just going to have to deal with that until I'm off. Rather the evil I already know than trying to switch and face other side effects. 

Edited December 1, 2024 by [mo...]

[[Ro...]]

32 minutes ago, [[m...] said:

@[Pa...] @[Ro...]

What is 8 ml of Valium = to in ativan? Am I correct, it is .8 mg of ativan? If I'm not really having any symptoms other than anxiety, tremors and occasional panic attacks, I'm doing pretty well right? The depression is definitely still there and strong from the valium but think I'm just going to have to deal with that until I'm off. Rather the evil I already know than trying to switch and face other side effects. 

Sorry about your mom and her diagnosis.  Yes, Ativan is 1/10 the amount of Valium.  Your symptoms sound pretty typical of benzo withdrawal.  They're a pain in the butt, I'm sure.  Did you start having panic attacks only after you started tapering, or did you have them before tapering like a symptom of panic disorder?

[[mo...]]

@[Ro...]

I started taking Ativan for panic attacks in February. Initially, I only used it occasionally between February and the end of April, but by May, I started using it more frequently. By June and July, I was taking it every day due to a breast cancer scare and a biopsy and I had to increase the dosage s I had become tolerant and was inter dose withdrawal. On August 4th, I was switched to Valium, and after the shock to my body of the direct switch settled, I made my first dose cut on August 23rd.

The panic attacks began after a surgery last year that caused permanent nerve damage to my supraorbital nerve, leading to extreme dry eye syndrome and changes in my eye appearance that were neither expected nor discussed. The surgeon also performed additional procedures that I didn’t need, wasn’t aware of, and didn’t consent to. This has caused significant anxiety, as I’m both angry at him and disappointed in and angry with myself for trusting him. One of these procedures was billed to my insurance, which is how we found out about it, and we only discovered the other when we requested the surgical records.

The panic attacks have become less frequent and shorter in duration which I'm thankful for and attribute to some of the tools I've learned the last few months. My last hold lasted almost a month, and the anxiety and tremors didn’t ease during that time. Overall, I feel more productive than I have in the past, but I still can’t drive myself anywhere and I dislike being alone.

 

[[mo...]]

2 hours ago, [[m...] said:

How are you feeling now, did you catch a break?  Sorry I haven't been around, my little pug got spayed this week and I took a couple of days to tend to her. 

I'm sorry I didn't even ask. How is your pup doing? We have a standard poodle who is the love of our lives!

[[Pa...]]

I'm glad the two of you talked @[mo...], and I hope you'll take what he said to heart, he can see more objectively how you're doing, his brain isn't wired for hopelessness like yours is.  But the fact that you can recognize improvement is huge, keep looking for it because you need hope.

I'm so sorry for your mom, and you, this is a critical time in her life and you're not in good shape.  I hope she'll adjust to living in the facility but it sounds horrible, is this your only option, are there others you can find for her?  Your upcoming trip will be challenging, I hope you can use the tools you've been honing to help see you through.

I'm encouraged to hear this last cut didn't produce any new symptoms but constant anxiety is no way to live.  I hope this next one goes smoothly, you're getting lower in dose so that's good but as we all know, there is recovery after the taper to deal with. 

My dog is doing well, no need to apologize, I know how all consuming this process is, it doesn't leave much room for anything else.  She's 4 and I got her in August, I've never been around an unaltered female, my goodness, she's frisky, if you know what I mean.   She's gone into heat twice since I got her so it took a bit of time to get her spayed, I sure hope this calms her down, she's been abusing me way too much!  

 

 

[[mo...]]

Day two of the next cut and we are on our best to my mom’s in WV. She is declining so rapidly, it is breaking my heart. The stress and anxiety is through the roof but I’m handling. Worried about the next week of two though as my body adjusts to another cut along with the stress to come this week.  Please keep us in your thoughts and send good thoughts our way. 

[[Pa...]]

I'm glad you're going to see your mom @[mo...], I'm so sorry she's declining but I'm glad you're able to make the trip.  I know its hard on you but you'll feel better when you're able to see her, and hold her hand, that will be good for you both.  Maybe seeing her will calm and comfort you both, I hope so.

[[mo...]]

Today is day four of my cut and I’m having major symptoms. Full body shakes and major anxiety, borderline panic. Seeing the decline in mom is killing me too. He short term memory is really bad and she has physically declined so much. She will never see her home or pups again. supposed to tour a memory care nursing home today but I just can’t. It’s the worst it’s been in a while. Not sure how I’m going to do this. 

[[Pa...]]

I don't know how either @[mo...], but I know you will because you have to.  You seem like the kind of person who takes care of business, who always comes through and I know you will this time too, its who you are.  Yes, this process has humbled you and made you doubt yourself but you're still you, the one everyone turns to. 

Give yourself credit, if I can see this in you, even though you're in the depths of hell, then its obviously who you still are, even if you can't see it right now.

 

[[mo...]]

Day 8 of my cut to 8 ml. The anxiety is still hanging tight to my brain and won't let go. I know it is due to the outside stressors of the pain and struggling with knowing my mom is very likely heading to having to move into a nursing home. I'm so lost in this and Pete is exhausted. We got home last night and he is depressed, anxious and worried over both me and mom and dealing with some new aches and pains of his own. I worry as he has increased how much snuff he dips and I've been trying to get him to quit since we started dating over 33 years ago. He swears that, if I can do this with the valium, he will get on it when I'm done. I'm so depressed and tired of the sweaty feet and hands from anxiety. 

[[Pa...]]

Are you and Pete doing any better since you got home?  It sounds like Pete is coping the way he knows to, I hope when things settle down he'll turn to more healthy ways.

How is your depression, do you still feel the weight of the drug is exacerbating your own at the moment?

 

[[4L...]]

On 08/12/2024 at 16:37, [[m...] said:

Day 8 of my cut to 8 ml. The anxiety is still hanging tight to my brain and won't let go. I know it is due to the outside stressors of the pain and struggling with knowing my mom is very likely heading to having to move into a nursing home. I'm so lost in this and Pete is exhausted. We got home last night and he is depressed, anxious and worried over both me and mom and dealing with some new aches and pains of his own. I worry as he has increased how much snuff he dips and I've been trying to get him to quit since we started dating over 33 years ago. He swears that, if I can do this with the valium, he will get on it when I'm done. I'm so depressed and tired of the sweaty feet and hands from anxiety. 

@[mo...] i am so sorry for what you are going through with your tapering and your Moms condition. It will all work out and you are not alone. Sounds like Pete is a good caretaker. I too wake up with debilitating anxiety and fear every day. I have medical scares as well and extreme bletharitis causing infection and chelazions in my right eye. I am lowering .5 per 3 weeks but I cannot tell when the Valium worst sxs are because I feel bad everyday. My stomach just gets tight and i panic over everything. News does not help and god help us w us medical appointees, all for that matter. I just want peace and an across the aisles government. I fear benzos will be outlawed as they outlaw everything else except being a criminal. 
sorry for the rant but I do fear this immensely. 
 

wishing you healing and as a diazepam polydrugged with AD and gabapentin can feel your pain. 🙏🫶🏻

[[Mo...]]

@[mo...], I'm one of those praying people, so I am lifting you and your family up in prayer today. As @[Pa...] said, you take care of business and with get through this. And I am believing God is helping you even though it might not seem like it right now. Stay strong - us Buds are here for you 

[[mo...]]

I'm NOT hyperthyroid though. He is of the old school thought and only tests TSH and FT4. Even with that, to be hyper, the TSH would be suppressed and the FT4 would be high. My FT4 is right in the middle of normal. H doesn't test anything else like FT3 and RT3. That's why I'm following his recommendations for one month only then returning to what my thryoid/hormone doctor says to do. I want to appease him so he will continue watching over the tumor. If I was hyper, after this last month of the changes, according to him, the anxiety and tremors would go away. They haven't. I can feel the hormones have dropped again as he stopped the tumor meds for a month too to see what happens. They had dropped from a high of 18 to 37.3 with under 23 being normal. Now, I'm sure they have jumped back up again and are messing with my thryoid and sex hormones. I'm so frustrated. It's going to be a touch week as we go to my mom's to close out and winterize her house, have an ADT security system installed and take her pups to a new home. They have never been outside, with other dogs, or had vaccinations as she didn't believe in it especially as they never left the house unless she hand carried them to the vet for any issues. We have to hide all of this from her as she has declined further mentally and we need her concentrating on getting stronger in rehab. She does not realize she will never go home again and that has always been her biggest fear along with dementia. That is what happened to my dad and how he passed. I'm such a mess and am going to hold longer with this cut. I'm on day 13 and had hoped to do another cut at day 21. Don't think I can with this stress.

[[mo...]]

On 11/12/2024 at 18:38, [[M...] said:

@[mo...], I'm one of those praying people, so I am lifting you and your family up in prayer today. As @[Pa...] said, you take care of business and with get through this. And I am believing God is helping you even though it might not seem like it right now. Stay strong - us Buds are here for you 

Thank you!

[[Mo...]]

20 hours ago, [[m...] said:

Thank you!

You're welcome! Please keep us updated on everything

[[mo...]]

Day 21 of my cut to 8 ml. Going to hold a little longer with Christmas and the kids being here then doing a 5% cut.

 

. It’s been a crazy 2 weeks so sorry we fell off the radar. We have been in WV taking care of things with my mom’s house and pups. Securing it with a system from AADT and taking her pups to a foster family. The stress has been killing me and Pete is feeling the brunt of it. Before heading there, our truck started acting up while my car was in for new tires and brakes to be taken care of while we were gone. Luckily, we were able to get the last rental car available in a 100 mile radius. While in WV, our 22 yr old daughter called and let us know she hit a deer. Luckily, she is ok. Her car, not so much. Then, I found out my pituitary tumor lab values have jumped way up which partially explains why my anxiety and panic attacks have been off the charts again. Finally, on the way home, we also hit a deer. We are exhausted, sad, frustrated, and feeling hopeless. We haven’t had a chance to decorate for Christmas; don’t even have a tree. Our kiddos will be here Sunday and we have only a few things done and only a few presents to go under a tree we don’t have. All the tree farms are closed and the tree lots are slim pickings. The stores are sold out of most fake trees and we have never liked them anyway. Christmas has always been my favorite time and I spend a lot of time making the house special and selecting the perfect gifts. We just aren’t feeling the spirit this year and I don’t know how I’m going to handle the kids seeing me like this. Panic attacks are a daily thing and anxiety is constant as well as the nerve pain from the surgery that went wrong last year and gets worse when I’m anxious. I’m just feeling so done right now. (Insert joke) Yup, sounds like a country song yet to be written. Thanks for listening/reading.

Edited December 22, 2024 by [mo...]

[[Pa...]]

Hi @[mo...], its good to see you again, but my gosh, Murphy's Law seems to be in play here.  I can't believe you both hit a deer, but I'm grateful you're all okay.  

I'm glad you have another reason for your anxiety besides your taper, well, I'm not glad but its good to have explanations.

Your kids will be just fine with your Christmas, because you'll be together and they're old enough to know that life isn't always perfect.  They'll understand you're not at your best and you've got good reason not to be.  Your health, your surgeries, your mom, its reality and they'll understand.  Next year you'll be back to doing what you do, making everything special. 

I'm sure you can still find a real tree, try to pick the saddest one and give it a purpose, maybe you could enlist the kids to help you find the perfect tree to match this awful Christmas and give it the makeover it deserves. Maybe if you joke about how awful everything is, it might lighten the mood.  I don't know, just trying to think of a way for you to be at peace with the season. 

[[mo...]]

Sorry for the long absence. It’s been a rough few weeks. We made it through Christmas and even found a nice tree last minute. Our kiddos are so understanding and caring, especially our daughter. She is very empathetic like I am. That can be a bad thing though as we each carry other’s problems with us. 
My mom’s health is declining more and we have about 5 weeks before we need to let her know she will not be returning home from the nursing home/rehab center. I’m devastated and not sure how we are going to handle this as it has been her greatest fear since this happened with my dad. 

Currently on day 15 since my last cut from 8 to 7.5 which was a 6% cut. Considering another cut tomorrow. Trying to decide between 3% or 5%. 

 

Lot of outside stressors causing major anxiety still, so thinking smaller cut?  

Took my 4th weekly dose of cabergoline for the high prolactin and tumor last night so hoping it has reduced again. Hate the endocrinologist took me off for a month “to see what would happen” and prolactin jumped high again. 

Should I cut from just one of the two doses to eventually get to just one dose daily? Could it cause inter-dose withdrawal even with Valium having a longer half life? 

Or should I stay on two as that is what I’ve been doing for quite awhile now; cutting from each dose. I was on 3 and cut my middle dose out first as it was the lowest. Want to do my best to avoid upsetting the small bit of balance I have going now. Thank you all for any feedback you might have.

 

@[Pa...] @[or...] @[or...] @[Ro...]

 

[[Pa...]]

Hi @[mo...], I've sure been wondering about you, I'm glad you checked in!  I still see a lot of stress in your life but, I don't sense the panic.  Its almost like you're dealing with life first, and withdrawals second, not sure if that's the case but it feels that way.

It seems like seeing your kids and having them see you helped, you were so worried about them seeing you in this condition but you raised them right and they just see mom.

As for your taper, if its been working for you, then I'd hold on to those doses for as long as you can. Of course, they all have to go eventually but stick with what works until you can't. 

 

[[mo...]]

Just now, [[P...] said:

Hi @[mo...], I've sure been wondering about you, I'm glad you checked in!  I still see a lot of stress in your life but, I don't sense the panic.  Its almost like you're dealing with life first, and withdrawals second, not sure if that's the case but it feels that way.

It seems like seeing your kids and having them see you helped, you were so worried about them seeing you in this condition but you raised them right and they just see mom.

As for your taper, if its been working for you, then I'd hold on to those doses for as long as you can. Of course, they all have to go eventually but stick with what works until you can't. 

I’ve been having panic attacks still. They don’t last as long but hit hard out of nowhere. I’m having a really hard time dealing with what has been done to my eyes and the nerve pain on top of my mom’s dementia diagnosis. Is guess that is par for the course and, as you said, not so much withdrawal but situational anxiety and panic. My last hold was 28 days then the 6% cut. Do you think I should do the 5% or 3% with only holding the 15 days? I’m scared of making the wrong decision.

[[Pa...]]

I know things are still awful, and you have a long way to go which is so discouraging but I still feel a difference, I think I'm seeing that strong woman in there. 

I wish I knew what to tell you about how much to cut @[mo...], I'll go with the cautious route since you're only planning to hold for 15 days, lets see how that works for you.

Hopefully someone with actual taper experience will stop by. 

[[mo...]]

@[Pa...] thank you! I’m truly trying my best. Spent almost 2 hours on the phone with the veteran’s crisis line last week but today was a better day compared to the last few. The medicine for the prolactin messes with my stomach but only for a day or two and I only take it once a week. Your kindness and care are truly appreciated. Hugs!